A month into following my dream…

It’s a while since I’ve written a blog post.

Initially I set myself a goal to write a post every week at least, but the last month I finally started on the dream I’ve had for 3 years.

And ive been so busy

Not going to lie it was a scary feeling.

I had struggled with that fear for years, hiding it behind excuses like “Its not the right timing yet” or “I need to learn more, I still don’t have the experience need” and a million other bad excuses.

You see my dream was to start a You tube channel where I make Sims videos.

To be a content creator.

For the last year I struggled to start.

I already had my main channel where I posted world of warcraft videos once every 2 – 3 months and it felt safe to just do it when I pleased. Make silly videos just for me.

But last year I realised I wanted more.

I wanted to give this a proper shot.

I wanted to test if I really wanted this and I needed to understand why

Of all the jobs out there, why do I find content creation so interesting.

It took a year of soul searching and I realised something.

When I had been down, in a bad mood, or going through a mental breakdown, I always sought comfort in two things.

Playing the sims and watching you tube.

I would watch other content creators playing sims.

For hours on end

And watching them managed to make me smile, to make me laugh, to get up from the ground and move again.

I realised if I could do the same towards others. Make them smile on bad days, then that would be enough to make me happy.

I was already in love with making videos.

I have been for 3 years, and I knew I wanted to work with something like this in the future.

Making videos is the creative outlet I need.

To be able to express myself.

Playing games is where I can let my imagination unfold.

Where everything is possible, and I can just drift away living in that space for a while.

So making videos of the games I play is a perfect dream for me, but is it realistic?

Properly not.

Can I make it?

Maybe, maybe not

And that is why I was so scared to start.

Because I put my dream on a pedestal and put way too much pressure on myself.

In my mind I was terrified to start because looking back at my other channel, where it rarely got any traffic, if any.

And I didn’t want that to happen on my new channel if I suddenly started for real.

That’s why I didn’t start for so long.

I didn’t want to fail from the beginning.

So that’s what made me obviously fail before I even started.

I forgot all the things I’ve learned in the past 3 years.

That failing is not a bad thing its part of the journey to success.

If You don’t fail, you don’t learn.

I am never going to be a good editor if I don’t make videos and I will never be a watched content creator if I don’t actually make videos and learn from them step by step.

When I think about my dream I didnt care about the money that it could give.

Money is never the reason why I do what I do.

My main goal was to feel a sense of purpose, to give back to the world in my way.

Give back what I got myself.

My goal is eventually to be independent, but most important to have a job that provides meaning for me.

With my past I know I cant have a regular job, I cant work just to work, it would tear me apart.

If the meaning isn’t there, the purpose I burn out quicker then a match does.

So, I’ve spent the last decade trying to find a purpose of a future career that could give me this.

And that’s where I found video creation.

So in the last month I started.

I started with an idea, and I had no idea if it was a good idea but I was determined to start no matter what.

It was time.

I felt it.

If I didn’t start now, I would end up the same in the last 3 years, and feel shame for feeling the fear.

What worth does it have to me if I say I want to make videos but rarely made any?

I wanted to prove to myself that I truly love this, and to prove that it was just my fear that held me back.

And a month later I can happily say it was just my fear.

I am in love again.

In love in a way I have never felt it before.

I am in love with my work.

I have made 11 videos in a month, and I haven’t felt this fulfilled and happy in a long time.

It’s not the best videos.

In fact the sound was way to loud, and the edit could have been better.

But with every video I learn more about editing then I have in long time.

I am not just reading and researching about how to edit videos, I actually put everything I’ve learned into practise.

To my surprise I initially wanted to post one video a week, but making 2 hasn’t been hard at all.

I still have time for my 10000 steps every day, to spend time with family, to walk with friends, to do my chores at home, to live outside of You Tube.

One of my biggest fears was that it would consume all my time, that the love I have for my work, would consume me too much, and I would only breathe You Tube and my videos.

It is a balancing act, of discipline, time management, and saying no to a few things.

One of the things I had to say no to, was actually gaming.

I hardly have time to play the games I enjoy. I try to set a bit of game time in the weekend, and work on my videos for the week.

But I mostly play games when I record for my videos, and I realised that playing so little, makes me more excited to play when its time to record again, I feel happier more excited to play and it shows in my videos.

By waiting 3 years to start on my dream taught me a lot about myself.

It taught me to find a reason behind my dreams.

To find out why, and really question myself and my decisions.

I learned a lot about fear, and how to overcome self-doubt.

I still feel afraid, and I still have self-doubt, but it’s part of the process. I realised I have to just breathe and do it anyway.

My motivation to make videos and so many of them, comes from my mom.

She enjoys them a lot.

I watch them with her, and hearing her laugh when my sims does silly things, or when my sims gets in trouble, it’s the greatest feeling in the world.

To watch her look forward to the next video I make or the next episode.

This is the feeling I wanted to pass a long to others.

What I got myself back in the day and wanted to give back.

So yes, I have found a new love and its my new channel, my sims videos, my work.

We all have dreams, and our dreams change every year, but I realised having mine, that its important to fight for them, to work towards them its worth following them.

At the end of the road dreams might change, mine did a little.

I initially wanted to make world of warcraft videos, but instead chose sims 4 .

I think the biggest thing I learned, is to question your dreams, to ask why you have them, but also dive deeper into you own expectations and what is realistic.

I have no idea if I will one day be able to live of my dream, and that’s okay not knowing this.

I am okay with my videos only being seen by a handful, if I can make that handful smile, it’s worth all the time and effort I have put in my videos.

Its also a process I enjoy.

Editing a video is a feeling of doing a mindfulness meditation for me. I am present in the moment and just disappear into my work.

Everything around me fades away.

It’s a playground where my creativity can truly do its work.

So, if was to just edit for the rest of my life I would find great joy in doing that, even if it is a hobby.  

That doesn’t mean I won’t take it seriously.

I have dedicated myself to my dream and I will do what it takes to follow it through, by still remembering myself in the process, taking care of my mental health and wellbeing is the only priority over my videos.

So with this knowledge I am so excited for the next years to come, I am excited to see what I can do with my videos in a year, what comes out of it.

And I am happy I overcame my fear and just started.

And I’m so relieved that it was just my fear that prevented me from starting sooner…

Ill do my best to plan out blog post a little better, I still want to write a post every week, but sometimes I struggle to find inspiration that isnt about video creation which at the moment is something I live and breathe for.

But I have so much I want to write about still.

So if I arent as active as I usually am on my blog, its just because im busy or struggle to find inspiration thats not You Tube atm 😀

I still need to update my website aswell, and one day ill set time to do this.

I hope you have an amazing day ❤

MissFaylyn out…