It starts with an Idea…

Since I wrote my latest blog post I’ve been busy, and I finally got myself together and got uncomfortable but in a good way.

Ive been recording and editing videos every day and today id like to share my work process when I make my videos on you tube. Im still very new at creating content and video editing, but since I started 2 years ago, ive come a long way.

It starts with an idea…..

This one is actually the hardest of video making, I would never ever have though that this would be the hardest part, but finding a suitable idea that is at the same time interesting enough for the viewer to see as a video, but also something that is fun to make, so it shines through in the video, is hard.

I have a lot of ideas, and things I would love to make a video about, but having a great idea takes time to think about, and also that its an idea that will make a great video

Maybe I’m more critical of my own ideas that I would like, but the thing is making videos, its all just you, you are the boss, the employee, the handy man, the customer, you have to be everything. You got no one to lean on, or ask questions to, or give you advise, so all I have is my own judgement., and the only way I can find out if my ideas are good or bad is by learning from them, after its been created into a video.

And learned I have, and I still learn this lesson

Recording

Once I have an idea that I can see being made into a video, and im happy with the recording starts

This process can easily take up to a few days of footage. I think the biggest amount of footage I had compiled for a 7 min video was 18 hours of recording.

Did I need that much footage?

No absolutely not, but it gives me more to shift through, and sometimes that’s not a bad thing

While I record, I also get more ideas of how I wanna make the video. I get inspired.

I normally put music on while I do this and just zone out.

I fully immerse myself into what im doing, and its hard sometimes to take a break from it. It’s the part I love the most of creating videos.

Script

Sometimes this come before recording it depends, sometimes its something I do at the same time.

I never finish a script before I record, because I often add more to the script when I record my footage.

After my recording is done, I can sit down and fully write the script, while I look back at the footage to get the facts right.

Then I record what I want to say in the video, reading up from my script.

I don’t always say what Ive written sometimes I tweak it a bit when I record, sometimes I change my words or even voice to get a slight comedic effect or a more serious tone, depending on again what I make.

It’s the hardest process for me. Since its still a little weird recording yourself while you talk to yourself. I mess up a lot, saying ehhhm, or suddenly bursts out laughing because I said a word wrong. And this can take a while to fully finish. Sometimes I had to wait until the next day because I sounded a bit tired or couldn’t concentrate enough on saying what I needed to say.

Editing.

This process is quite intense. I can sit for hours and hours fine tuning every clip, cutting, extending, cutting, shortening my video clips, and if I have 18 hours of  footage to shift through then this can take hours.

Editing isn’t just about cutting your video down, its adding music, adding your script you voiced, its animations, its effects, even just adding a simple cross dissolve to your clips so the video transitions look smoother. Its knowing when to cross dissolve and when to not, and that im still learning how to do well.

Its adjusting sound so its not too loud or too quiet. Its adding a  cool intro with a few text animations.

Learning how to edit well, it took a lot of research and often while I edit, I have a plan on how to do it in my head but I haven’t learned how yet, so I look up a video and learn while im doing.

Once the video is fully edited, and I have run it over and over again to double check for mistakes. I press the upload button

Uploading a video

This always fills me with a feeling of excitement but also a tint of sadness. Saying goodbye to the video ive been working on for hours and hours on end, is a weird feeling.

Always fills me with “Now what, I was enjoying this. Now its over”. It’s a weird feeling, but also fills me with excitement of getting to watch it live on my channel.

I always upload my video to be private first, so I can watch it while I make the thumbnail to make sure there are no mistakes.

My newest thumbnail for my newest video! Its in my opinion something I need to get better at making. What to put in a thumbnail can be hard to deside sometimes, and im not the best at aobe photoshop as I wish I was. Im a better editor I think 😀

I add the title and sometimes its hard to think of a creative title, to think of what my tags for the video is going to be, and to write a text what the video is going to be about. I have to make sure nothing is copyrighted and make sure my facts are checked and to add it to the video if Im using a song where I have to add a text in my video description.

In the beginning I was always nervous doing this since I didn’t know what was copy righted and what was right to use. I spend hours reading about this to make sure I understand it fully, so I have a clear conscience when I upload my videos. I can proudly say that I haven’t been copy righted striked yet since I learned this.

When my video is uploading I make my thumbnail, and its my least favorite thing. Its also one of the more important things to have in a good video, since the thumbnail is often the reason why someone clicks on your video.

So I try my best to make good thumbnails.

The finished product.

Now its time to press the live button and watch my video live for the first time, and im not gonna lie I do this over and over again. Both to say goodbye to 3 – 4 days of work but also be filled with the sensation of pride.

I created something from nothing and made something eternal. Atleast while you tube is still a thing and while I still want my video out there.

This feeling I get when I watch my videos is why I create videos. Its why I sit and work for hours on end to get this feeling when its done.

I made this!

After the video is done, and Ive watched it a handful of times, getting over the high of posting my video. Its time to start all over again

 So it starts with another idea….

There is also a downside to making videos, and its something I am still working through. Its before I press the record and when im still in the idea section. When I think about my ideas, but sometimes are too scared to even start.

Its where miss negative peaks out of hibernation and says no can do inside my head.

When I start doubting if my idea is good enough or if I make the video what if no one likes it, what if It’s a stupid video, what if I do something embarrassing, or say something wrong. What if no one ever watches my videos.

That is one of the bad sides of wanting to make videos, and sometimes miss negative voice wins and I don’t make a video for a looong time, sometimes I overcome this irrational fear and just don’t think but do instead.

In my last blog I promised myself to get busy, and I have been and im going to. I was for months so worried about not knowing what videos id like to create in what genre. Since I love two games not one, and cant just stick to one.

I was debating with myself to pick one, and I couldn’t so, I quit the idea of being a specific kind of video creator and just settled with making whatever video I want to make from now on, and then eventually ill see what happens, and it gave me the freedom to just do, so that’s what im doing now, and I have videos for the next few months incoming 😊

Thank for reading and I hope you have an amazing day out there 🙂

Ill try and blog more, but blogging for me is the same as video making. Sometimes miss negative says no can do today.

I am going to try to do the same I will do with my videos and just “Dont think just do”

My sceduale since I made my last blog. Im super proud that ive stuck to a routine of putting in hours of work every day while still maintaining fun time in the evening. To make sure I dont burnout. Making a sceduale and seeing of how much I accomplish in a day it keeps me motivated to keep making videos.

until next time

MissFaylyn out ❤

The dangers of being too content!

Too diffrent pictures from my past, one from a dark time where I lived in isoation, and what I describe as being content, to a time where I got out with the help of a little fear and letting myself feel uncomfortable.

Is living in a state of being content happiness or is it just to avoid being hurt again?

I was sitting in my own world watching Netflix when I suddenly came to a realisation.

Its funny that these moments always come out of the blue, and you have no idea why it hasn’t been revealed earlier, and so many years too late. Well better late than never right?

I realised most of my adult life why I’ve been in a standstill wasn’t because of fear of change, its because I’ve been too safe, too content. Too comfortable with living in what others whould call misery but for me it was safe and comfortable.

How was I living?

In solitude. I cut myself off from most of my friends.

I lived in my room, not willing to go out and live in the “real” world.

I lived in the gaming world.

I was content, but never truly happy.

Once and a while I did do some new things but eventually I would always go back to what was safe and comfortable.

It was a way I used to protect myself. Not feeling I needed anyone but myself and those closest to  me.

It was a way to escape my past, and delve into the world of entertainment, so I wouldn’t have to think about how I was feeling or listen to all the negative thoughts I had of myself.

But years went on, and it is still so easy to fall back into bad habits.

So hard that getting myself a little bit of discipline to get out of that circle has been energy draining.

By being comfortable, and the dangerous feeling of content has left me in a standstill again, of endless solitude and entertainment, and only one thing can break this circle.

Being uncomfortable and a little afraid again!

It started with fear and pain, when I started living this way, but now it must end with a little fear again to change what Ive been so used to.

I realised to get myself up from this standstill I can’t say no to the things I know will benefit me again.

Since living a world where covid 19 is a thing again, and being so used to isolation that suddenly I came to prefer it, I’ve not only not moved much from my chair but also been comfort eating and its time to get back up and move that A..

Because if I don’t who knows where I will be in 10 years.

Ill let you in on a secret, I’ve tried to do this the last few months, but got used to telling myself “tomorrow I’ll start, I promise” and another day passed of being comfortable and content.

The time Ive been really proud of my achievements, wasn’t when I was happy, it was when I was fulled with anger or pain, that it became my biggest motivator and I created new things, new opportunities.

This site of mine I created in pain, my most watched videos on you tube was created in anger or pain.

That was my biggest motivator, and some part of me miss anger or pain, because it has for some weird reason always made me feel more alive, more brave more seen, and more myself.

Im not an angry person, I dont take my anger out on the world, or others. I take it in, feel it and end up creating things. It gives me energy.

But why cant I do it when im happy or content.

How can I get out of this standstill without anger or pain being the reason?

How can I get used to being more disciplined and actually work towards my dreams and a future I can be proud of?

Not that watching Netflix is a bad thing or gaming, or sitting in my chair, though too much of it, is.

In the past when I was creating things it did leave me tired yes, but also the feeling of being fulfilled and having accomplished something.

I know that fear is also a reason, and that’s why I live in this bubble of being content. I am on a lvl trying to avoid like I used to any future pain and setback.

But avoiding things you have no idea what will bring just because of fear is a bad thing, you are at the same time closing yourself of from any good things coming your way aswell, and that is why feeling content to me is a bad thing, and also so hard to get out of.

Ive come a long way since my past, but I still have a long way to go, and the gaming gods help me, I will not be in a standstill forever, so its time to get uncomfortable and live by the saying don’t think just do, and be a little afraid again.

Sometimes its good to take a step back and take a break and live in a bubble of content to heal from the past, but its also a necessary to know when to lift the bubble and venture out into the scary world and try new things again, even when you don’t want to.

How am I going to do this

Well one step at a time, a little uncomfort every day until it no longer is but just the new norm.

Also if I am going to start creating things again, I have to let myself be a little afraid of the new, and just dive in, because its better then being in a standstill.

Ill let you know how it goes, if continued silence from my part then you know im still in my standstil.

Over the last few months ive had to delve a little deeper into what I really want to do, but been too afraid to start and thats why ive been too comfortably isolating, but now its enough

Its time to shine!

Have you ever felt being content was a bad thing for you?

How did you get out of it?

Have an amazing day or evening, MissFaylyn out, until next time.

Its good to be back 😉

How falling in love with a friend, made me realize its time to take a break from love

A lot have been on my mind these last few months and one of these things has been love.

Now before I can fully describe this conundrum, I have to start from the beginning.

Like every fairy tale starts

Once upon a time there was this girl who idolized fairy tales and only ever dreamed of one thing, finding her own prince of her very own fairy tale, that little girl yes you guessed it, it was me.

Since I can remember I would watch Disney movies, and dream of meeting my own prince who would one day carry me away into happily ever after.

I never really let go of this dream and im 36 years old.

 My past relationships did feel at first like a fairy tale.

I fell hard like struck by lightning and everything went pink until it didn’t and heartbreak after heartbreak followed

 Still I was secretly looking forward to the next time I would fall in love again, and maybe next time my prince would take me to wonderland.

Until a few months ago, where I realized, a year after my last breakup that I had fallen in love with my best friend.

This friend I had been in love with before.

I bet you have at least one of those cases where you fall in love with someone that’s beyond your reach, someone who is just too perfect in every way, and you just know you can never be together.

That one guy ( or girl) that will always be your what if guy/girl

Well this friend of mine is that guy for me.

But as I knew the first time I told him of my feelings that it could never be, this time I knew the same thing.

Because I realized something.

Even though I crave fairy tale endings, and that one big love that is life changing I also see one important thing.

Life isn’t a fairy tale.

Life is life.

Sometimes it can feel like a fairy tale but this fairy tale doesn’t have the happy ending that last forever.

Life is more a book of repeating fairy tales, that weaves themselves into one long story but is never ending. Life is love, its heartbreak its feeling content and every emotion in between.

So what happened with this guy? My friend.

Well story short I told him I have those annoying in love feelings with him again, and I got shot down.

I realized in that moment that my first intuition was right.

The reason why he isn’t my prince charming and I his princess, is because of life.

I realized I am not ready for that kinda of love right now, and neither is he, and we have something bigger then love.

We have our friendship that in the end means the world to me, more then love could mean.

Having his friendship is more important to me

But more importantly I need to be my own prince charming for a while.  

I need to let go of the fairytales and realize reality, before I can find my happy what comes next. ( I wont say happy ending because there is no happy ending 😉, not in the sense I was dreaming of anyway)

I need to love my self first for a while.

Because what I realized in my previous relationship is that I have been too good at losing a little of myself every time I entered a new relationship.

Ive non-stop been in a relationship, because as my friends tells me I fall easily in love, almost instantly in the first nice guy I meet, and I realize to late that I gave too much of myself or that we weren’t compatible in dreams, and what else makes someone compatible. I still don’t know the difference, I learned it too late, stuck in a relationship that made me unhappy.

It was either problems, like age, living in different countries that no one was willing to move away from, or just wishes for the future or lifestyle.

I never learned to ask prince charming what he wants for the future, I would just love and follow my prince where he told me to go, until I realized to late that I couldn’t cross the  boundaries on the path we had created for ourselves.

So when I fell in love with my friend and got rejected ( in the sweetest way I ever have been rejected) I realized that now Is the time to just stop and take a break.

Take a break from love, until I have learned that I am enough and I can make myself happy, so I don’t need to fill the void in me that I previosuly wrongly learned that I should have someone else fill in me.

So this is a huge breaking point for me.

Realizing I don’t need love.

Ive already been single for longer then I have ever been, and ill tell you a secret, its actually not that bad.

I always rushed into a new relationship because I was terrified of ending alone, and yes I am still a little afraid that will happen, but is that really so bad?

What if the fairy tale I grew up watching didn’t end with they lived happily ever after but she lived happily ever after alone.

Why is being alone such a bad thing?

Why is it something that I feared for so many years.

I learned a few important things about being single.

I only have my self to answer for if Im not happy

There are no fights or arguments, and no heartbreaks.

I can do whatever I want without having to compromise

I am no longer scared of not being good enough.

Im just me.

Of cause I miss some things of being in a relationships but as much as I can think of that I miss I can also think of a lot of things I don’t miss.

And my break isn’t forever. That’s the thing nothing is forever but its for right now.

If my younger self saw me write this post I would have properly thought myself the cruelest person ever to crush my dreams of fairy tales, but id like to think that I still believe in fairytales but I have to rewrite them a little bit.

So here is to celebrating my break from love, and to be my own biggest love right now. The one and only person I need right now.

So one day I am ready to find love again, I do it with thought and not to rush into the next inevitable heartbreak, but actually matching myself with someone who builds on to me on not just find a relationship because I was scared of being alone, even if I was in love.

Being in love dosnt mean you meet mister right, it means its a possibilty but you cant just rush into it without some thought.

and I have to be alone to learn this fact, I have to learn that being alone dosnt mean you are a princess stuck in your tower waiting endlessly for prince charming to swoop you of your feet and ride off into the sunset of happily ever after, but its the princess in the tower in her very own castle owning the place up happier then ever before because she has the biggest love in her life that should could ever find, herself. and everything else is just a bonus that comes along to add to her happiness.

Thats the fairytale I would rather have my life end with, not the sad dream of waiting for a prince that dosnt excist to show up and making everything perfect.

Im 36 years old, and ive loved and lived a life of many fairy tales, and have many more beautiful fairytales to come, one of the biggest fairy tales I live right now and its the story of Fay and her biggest love Fay riding together as one whole being into the sunset owning her own happiness.

anyway thats the end of my nightly ramble until next time 🙂

Im sure ill write more about love and life and other things in between, when the late night inspiration desides to bloom into the very chaotic rambling flower that it is, but that is how I MissFaylyn rolls.

Perfect is in the imperfect, like an uncut diamond. its a lot prettier that way.

Have an amazing day and I hope you find your own fairy tale story ❤

I have a confession to make

I have a confession to make

thumbnail picture for my videos, I felt this is a good pictures of desciping how I feel writing this post

In the last post I wrote about my ambitions, how I wanted to become a You tuber and a streamer, how I wanted to fight for the things I dream about and that I dream big.

My confession isn’t about those things.

I still want those things. My ambition is still great, but what is bigger right now is my fear.

I love making my videos, and when I stream, I love that too, so why don’t I do it more?

You see that’s where its super silly.

Every time I start, I immediately expect to fail, and I start giving up even before I keep trying.

So my confession is I’m terrified.

That’s properly normal you think, if you put yourself out there in that way, who wouldn’t be terrified, who isn’t terrified when they start streaming or posting videos.

In the beginning I was terrified when I started streaming in a good way, it was the exciting kinda way.

Now that fear feels different.

It stops me from doing what I love. It stops me from moving forward, and instead I stagnate.

I went back to my old routines of gaming alone, I stopped being competitive, I stopped socialising.

I was angry at my friends for a while, because selfish me, was secretly angry they didn’t watch my videos and give me the support I secretly craved, and in being angry at them I got angry at myself for being angry at them. So it’s a silly vicious circle of annoying pesky thoughts Ive been struggling with for a few months.

So how can I conquer this irrational fear of something that hasn’t happened yet, and what is my fear about?

Well that’s the ironic of it all.

My name is MissFaylyn, a name I gave my brand on every social platform, that is a secret reminder to myself that I will Fail.  (Failing is a part of success) Missfaylyn = Miss Failing.

I celebrate that name because it’s supposed to be a reminder of not being scared of failure, but to keep getting up on that horse and fight. Fight like never before and definitely not stay in the same place for too long.

So why is fear of failure so petrifying?

Why cant I make a schedule and fight through it, even though I go this road alone, it’s a road I have chosen for myself, that I know I have to walk alone, and I cant expect or even really need anyone to walk It with me, or to even watch my stuff if I myself can feel proud of what I do.

The thing Is I am proud of my videos.

Every time I make a video I feel this rush of high, the sweet taste of feeling proud of what I have achieved, even if it took me a few hard days of work, but after a while the devil voice of doubt creeps in.

Telling me that I could have done better, and my head celebrates that voice because every time I make a new video it comes out a lot better than the one I did before that, so I just improve my craft which is what I want, so why is the devil voice of doubt holding me back?

That’s the question I keep asking myself and have been asking myself for months now.

Instead of following my mantra of Don’t think just do, I do think, I think way to much, and its time to just do again.

Not for you, not for peter, not for mom, not for dad, for me and just for me, and If someone likes my vidoes, that’s just a bonus but I promised myself I would never do It for anyone but myself first otherwise I would be bound to fail from day one.

My confession is I have fear, and also really want my videos to be watched, not to be celebrated but I realised what I really crave is a second opinion, someone to help me improve my craft, but I also know stubborn me, don’t learn well from others, I learn the best my way.

That’s why failing is so important to me, so I can learn to succeed.

What I need to learn is to stop thinking so damn much sometimes, and just keep doing, and to never hold myself back from something that I love.

No one should ever hold themselves back from things they love to do. No matter what it is, even if its scary sometimes doing those things, or if people don’t like what you do, so what. Aslong as it brings a smile to your face that’s all that matters isn’t it?

Lets see if I can take my own advice.

I am MissFaylyn and failing is what I do, so stay tuned and watch, because one day I will turn a failure into success.

Got a few other life updates so stay tuned 🙂

MissFaylyn out, cya soon and have an amazing day and a few days with failures, the best of kinds so you can one day succed and improve your craft

Ambition

The other day my best friend and me where talking and she mentioned something to me that took me by surprise.

She told me I am ambitious, and I was so shocked by this word, ambition.

I’ve never thought I was capable of being ambitious, I never ever realised that I had that in me, but when she said it, I realised that she was right.

In my past, I always wanted a lot of things, I dreamed big but as soon as I had a dream, I quickly saw it as an impossible feat and moved on to the next new thing or I just rolled with the flow, and did what was necessary and let the days pass by.

My only dream for years was to get a house so I could get myself a dog, that was it.

But since I started streaming and making videos, I love what I do, and I want to learn more, I want to grow in my field, I want to expand what I do.

So, what happened? How did I change so much?

Well basically the last year or so I’ve been operating on the saying don’t think just do, and what I mean by this is I tend to overthink things a lot, to the point I get too scared of doing anything, I’m already so worried I will fail rather than succeed so not even trying new things became my norm, until I followed this little mantra for myself.

To just do what I feel like in the moment and then wait and see how it goes.

If I realise, I have a passion for this, then it does not matter all of the sudden if I fail, because I do it for me, and me alone.

When I suddenly became brave enough to try new things and to feel motivated, was when I had a massive crisis in my life, I was at a point where I had lost a lot.

Friends, a relationship that had lasted 3 years. I realised I didn’t have anything else to lose, so it was time to stop feeling sorry for myself and just do.

In the beginning I just did it to make the days pass faster so I would stop feeling so miserable and I came to realise it slowly worked.

I got my confidence back and I felt I got a new side of me back that I had lost in my teenage years.

Now I have so many dreams, and most days I can’t wait to work on my next project.

I have to force myself to bed most days because I am just so into what I do, and I don’t remember having that drive to do anything in the past.

I remember when I was 20 something and had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and I never expected I would find something that I love so much.

I realised it doesn’t matter what age you are at, or who you are as a person, that one thing that you just love doing will one day show up and you might be as shocked as me realising it might be something you could never imagine yourself doing with your life.

I never saw myself being so public or putting myself out there in this way, but now I cant imagine a life without this.

My only problem that I have to balance now, is slowing down a little, because at the moment I want to do it all, but the day only has this many hours in it, and I have to make time for friends, family and even remember to take a day off.

Doing what I do, its often I go to bed obsessing about my next project and it keeps me awake. My passion for this makes it hard to sometimes fall asleep.  

Its never to late:

I really believe now that we all have this in us. Its just about finding it for yourself, whether its taking pictures, drawing, playing music, playing games, working in the force, or being a teacher.

I really believe that to find that little something is to try as many things as possible, see what you grow an interest in, and to be brave enough to believe that you can do it.

I believe now that we can do anything we put our mind and heart into. Yes it might take time, as in years, and a lot of personal growth or reading up on a subject or two.

Just dont give up before you try it, keep at it.

If you love what you do start it as a hobby and then see if you can grow it into a job one day.

Im still at the hobby phase, but I have all the faith in the world that its only temporary.

As long as I keep at it, and dont give up if I have rough days sometimes.

And with everything in life you will have rough days at times, but then its okay to put it on pause and pick it up again when you feel better.

Fx as a streamer, I had a couple of rough months and I lost followers, and when I was streaming my energy wasnt the same, I wasnt the same happy me that I normally try to bring to my stream, instead of forcing myself to be on, when I wasnt feeling it I took a break and now im back to streaming and having the same positive energy that i had before, in the months i wasnt streaming, I instead started rescherching how to become a better streamer, how to make more engaging videos, and I learned so much in that time. So when I came back to my stream, Ive become a better streamer. I engage with the viewers I have a lot easier, and feel more excited about it now.

I still have a lot to learn, but I know that practise makes perfect.

Its like a raidboss in world of warcraft, we wipe what 20 – 80 times on a mythic boss and then suddenly do the fight flawless to see the boss go down. It means you might fail at something many many times, but eventually it will be a succes story. Just keep at it, and never give up.

What makes you jump out of bed excited?

What are you ambitious about? What is your passion?

Feel free to write in the comments below 🙂

Have an amazing day, Missfaylyn out, until next time 🙂 ❤

This is my daughters talent, she made this while watching my stream one day. She wants to work as an animator one day, and I have no doubt that she will make it far.

My 2020 Experience

Its new year’s day and the year is now 2021

took this picture on new years eve, Im a lot of more hopeful of the future, then I was a few months ago

When I look back at 2020, it fills me with a lot of emotions, but also surprise.

Going into 2020, I thought it was going to be my year. I had found new love, I was braver then ever and started working on this blog, writing about my past experiences, and had a new passion of streaming and making videos.

My daughter was happy, my mom was social and happy, enjoying life.

My friends and me where on great terms, and having a lot of fun. Life was good, and the opportunity of traveling and working on a dream I’ve had for years.

And life was great for 2 months, but then COVID-19 happened, and it spread widespread panic. I could no longer realistically see my long-distance boyfriend, I had to shield at home, because my mother was an elderly and her lungs weren’t in a great state. My Teenage daughter was having a rough time, and couldn’t go to school, and had to stay at home. Boyfriend and me broke up, and it was rough, I suffered heartbreak for a few months but tried to stay positive despite feeling down, I continued to work on my dreams, but it was rough acting like I was in a good place mentally when I really just didn’t want to get out of bed most days.

I had months and days where I weren’t feeling super social, so lost contact with most of my friends, and seeing them having a rough time too during these times, brought us further apart then closer, since we where both having a rough time.

Watching my mom smile tonight fills me with year, it was a rare thing in 2020, so I appreciate it a lot more now when I see it

Watching my normally happy mother go into what looked like a depression, and then being sick and we where both thinking at the time that she had gotten infected, she was later cleared, but watching the panic in her face, scared me, I suddenly started having thoughts that I had put behind me years ago.

What if I loose my mother and everyone I love and its just me, alone?

I couldn’t deal with that thought and I tried to escape from it, but it followed me, most days. The fear of loosing people I love, I had already lost a few I cared about this year and was still mending from my heartbreak.

I spend most of my days at home too scared to go out because what if I got sick and infected my mom, I live at home at the moment to save money, and I spent most of my year in isolation. Only contact I had was with friends, and my family.

As a gamer I don’t go out a lot normally but before if I wanted to travel or go to the movies I just did, but with covid 19 I felt I had to stay at home, for my safety, for my moms, and for everyone out there. I wouldn’t take it well if I got sick and infected strangers around me and putting people at risk, especially the elderly. So I turned down every offer through out the whole year of seeing people and going out.

This year has been one of the toughest for me personally, not only because of the fear of covid, but the isolation, the loss of people I cared about, seeing people I care about being depressed or upset.

As a highly sensitive, I learned quickly that I couldn’t handle watching the news too often, because it was all way to upsetting, and I care deeply when I hear someone got sick or aren’t feeling well.

What surprised me this year is that through out the next bad thing after the other, I still kept going; I still managed to stay me, and not loose track of my dreams, I had to put some of it on standby and take care of myself better, but when I had those days I didn’t want to leave my bed, I got up and started working anyway.

I set goals for myself and managed to keep most of them and despite life being hard I never stopped walking up that hill.

Just to be in motion, to keep moving forward, and managed to keep the smallest hope that things would soon turn to the better.

I never gave up, I never went back to my old way of thinking, and im proud of that.

I am also thankful because in all this, I had amazing friends who always cheered me on, to keep moving and gave me praise when I achieved even the smallest of goals.

This was my 2020 experience, and I learned so much.

I learned to keep hope, even when its hard, that things will be brighter tomorrow, even if it wasn’t true. I would still wake up the next day thinking that it would be brighter tomorrow, for the world, for my family, for my friends and for me.

I learned to be more comfortable being alone, even though I hated it most days being an extrovert, an all, but being alone, gave me a chance to feel through the pain, and heal when I needed too, and learn to control the negative thoughts, when I felt it was easier just giving up.

I learned a lot about friendship and what it means to be a friend.

I learned about love and when it fails, but also learning to love oneself, and that I actually liked being single, not wanting another relationship for a long time, because I just wanted to be me.

I learned that even though I fear being alone, I will never truly be alone.

I learned im a lot stronger than I think I am.

What did the world around me teach me?

That the world wasn’t ending even though I might have felt it in the beginning.

That people are a lot tougher than they look, and that despite these dark times, that they are still able to come together, show compassion and support for even strangers.

I saw love, compassion, and consideration in places I would never have thought, I saw strangers come together.

I will never forget 2020 like most of the other years, this year was the hardest yes, but I will always appreciate what I learned from this experience, and my hope for the future hasn’t diminished its grown like never before.

How was your 2020 experience and what did it teach you?

May 2021 be a great and wonderful year for you dear reader, and keep strong, you got this. I believe in you, I believe in all of us.

How do you break a bad habit?

When I was younger. Smoking cigarettes in my room.

I’ve been a smoker most of my life.

I grew up with both of my parents smoking and even though I swore many times to them both that I would never start smoking myself, I ended up at a party being convinced otherwise.

“Ill just try one” became to two, later to three and a week later I was addicted.

Several times during the years I tried to quit, but my motivation for quitting was lacking. I told myself its too expensive smoking and it’s for my health.

I’ve never really cared too much about money, and I’ve always been good at living minimalistic. Buying clothes once a year, buy second-hand furniture, and not spend my money otherwise on things I really need.

When it came to worrying about my health, I never really gave it a second thought. Ive never taken care of myself well, getting the healthy amount of exercise, drinking enough water, even being good at getting enough sleep.

I was healthy enough in my mind, so the excuse and motivation to quit smoking was mostly for others. For my family that told me I should quit, for boyfriends, who didn’t really like kissing an astray every time they kissed me, for friends who told me I should quit since its unhealthy for me.

I grew up with my parents smoking indoors, and I’ve always done the same. Getting used to the yellowish wallpaper and the smell of cigarettes everywhere, became my daily life. I later learned to just smoke in one room only, but even then, It was the same room where my computer was sitting in.

I often had a look at my fan inside my computer since it was at times struggling keeping my computer cool, because of the grey yellowish sticky dust inside.

The side effects from smoking inside, was noticeably clear. Over the years it has killed my computers more times then I can count.

This last year I was more determined then ever to quit smoking. It started effecting my health.

I often woke up coughing and continued to cough throughout the day

I realised my hair was getting really thin, more then usual, and my front teeth started to turn more brown then yellow.

I had recently bought a really strong gamer pc for streaming and video editing, and I was determined that this one was not going to die on me before it was its time. Not because of smoking inside.

The cigarette price in Denmark rose to double the prize so that was another motivation, and the biggest reason I could think of was it prevented me from streaming the amount of time I wanted to be streaming.

I have never been able or want to show myself smoking to my audience.

Smoking for me has become more of an embarrassment, then something that was cool, like it used to be when I was younger.

Quitting so I could stream more on twitch became my biggest motivation.

I initially wanted to start this spring, but I had recently gone through a messy breakup and I still used smoking as an emotional bandage.

Today, I am feeling like myself again. I’m stronger than I was this spring and my motivation to quit isn’t for others but for myself. I don’t quit for my family, my friends, or future boyfriends, I do it for myself only, for the extra time ill live healthy, for the health of my hair, my teeth, for my beloved computer, being able to buy more tech stuff for my stream, and to not ever again be dependant on an addiction. Having to worry if I have enough cigarettes for the evening, worrying where its possible to smoke when I travel or visit friends/family.

I am now 6 days smoke free, and more determined than I have been in years.

and 6 days might not be a lot, but for me it’s a big victory, and every day it gets easier, It even makes me smile a little when I think of smoking, because the second I think the thought a big fat NO comes out as a scream in my head.

What I learned from quitting my unhealthy habit:

  1. It’s not possible to quit before you feel mentally really. If you don’t feel ready you are more likely to fall back into smoking again.
  2. You will most likely gain weight from quitting, but don’t try to loose weight and quit smoking at the same time, I will be too much you put on yourself and you will most likely fail at both.
  3. Accept that you might gain some weight and that’s okay, its easier to lose weight then to quit smoking, so give yourself some credit, and spoil yourself a little.
  4. Substitute cigarettes with a carrot, pretzel sticks, chewing gum, candy, anything that might help take the urge to smoke off.
  5. I drink coffee while I’m smoking, and for me I can’t quit both, so I have my coffee with pretzel sticks at the side, don’t expect to quit both. Substitute.
  6. Avoid triggers, for me its arguments or stressful situations. So I took a step back from being social, streaming. Figure out how you feel about a certain situation and it triggers the will to smoke again, step away from that situation.
  7. Keep your hands busy, for me I started knitting or even playing games where I keep my mind and my hands busy. It helped massively.

Quitting is easy, keeping it is a lot harder.

I am determined that this is the last time I quit, and that I have to find healthier habits.

I am also aware that If I do fall back into the trap again, then its back up on the horse again.

Its better to quit 10 times then to not having tried at all.

And what’s most important don’t ever beat yourself up for trying and failing, because its still one step closer to a smoke free life.

Thank you for reading, until next time 🙂

Have a great day ❤

My dream – Becoming a twitch streamer and content creator on you tube

I’ve been living in a limbo of not knowing what to do with my life for years. When people asked me so what do you do? what do you dream of, what do you want to do with your life? I had no answer to give, then only thing I knew I wanted for sure is one day be able to get a dog but that was all I wanted, now if someone ask me that question I know with every fibre of who I am, what I want to do.

I want to do the same thing I am doing now.

Streaming on twitch and make videos for you tube.

I never in my wildest dreams imagined that this was my life goal, and what I wanted to do with my life, I never thought that I would be able to become more than just unemployed.

One year ago, I started streaming on twitch, 6 months ago I started taking some of my videos to you tube.

Learning how to edit and create videos, how to make emotes, how to set up my stream, make a channel video and so much more.

Research music and what music I can use.

It’s an endless learning process and I love every single second of it.

I started out streaming because I was curious. Curious to see if I could do it too, that curiosity grew to love, then to passion and then to knowing this is my life path.

Yeah it sounds crazy, a 35-year-old woman still playing games and wanting to become a streamer and content creator.

Why now? And why this?

The why now? Well 2 years ago I had no purpose I had no life dream I was drifting and lived a life in comfort, my life has for the last 10 years been about gaming, and healing from my past.

Living with my scars and learning to dream big again was my biggest challenge. Learning about who I am and what I want.

Streaming for me, and creating videos, is a way for me to be creative, to express myself and to share that with others.

When I was young, I wanted to become a writer, to share my stories with the world, and have my creativity out there. I’ve always lived in a fantasy world inside my head, and maybe that’s why I have this big love for gaming.

People climb mountains, and go sky diving, this is my thrill. Defeating big bosses on my avatar with my guild.

This is my purpose and passion.

One of my branding pictures I made in photshop. A picture of my three chacters in wow.

I still have a long way to go, and I am going to try and blog more about it in the future.

I know its a long road, its not a sprint its a marathon, and it will most likely take years. Years of learning and growing as a twitch streamer and a content creator.

If I look back at this last year how much I have learned and grown already. My videos are getting better from when I first started and my twich channel is still growing, slowly but steadily and its not just my friends tuning in on my stream.

The next year or so I plan grow my brand.

MY biggest challenge to overcome yet is making a sceduale.

Being consistent has always been an issue for me, and the life style ive had, the last few years. Being able to plan has never been my strongest sides, and thats something I still need to learn.

The simplicity of getting up early in the morning and having a routine, has never been my strongest suit. Ive always been spontanous with no plans, and just do what I want to do, but to grow my channel, I have to have a routine, and times where I stream, and set time of for my editing of my videos.

so…

In the next post Im going to write more about my learning process, my plans for the future and some of the obsticles I have to go through to get my dream to come true.

One of them being to keep a sceduale, and be persistant in it.

Until next time, have a great day everyone 🙂

Emotions, a weakness or a strenght?

Part 3

What do I wish for society

I wish that I had learned emotional control at a younger age and not by myself.

I wish that it was more common to talk about emotions and to deal with strong emotions, talking to others about them.

I wish that we could recognise emotions as being a strength not a weakness, so we wouldn’t feel shame or weak for having them.

I see so many men in my life today who has an issue talking about emotions, and I recognise myself from when I was younger and how much pain I dealt with from hiding my emotions.

And I sympathise.

It shouldn’t feel this hard talking openly about them

I don’t only see this in men growing up I still see it today in women, and in kids, how they grow up feeling now.

My own daughter I talked to about emotions, and she told me that her father had taught her how to hide hers.

I understand my ex comes from another time, where we where told to get over it if we where sad, or toughen up, getting told not to cry.

I grew up at the same time, I was taught the same.

And we teach our kids what we learned from our parents.

It’s now my job to teach my daughter that its okay to feel what she feels and to talk about them.

I hope that she grows up teaching the same to her kids and so on

And then maybe in the future we won’t hear sayings like stop crying you cry baby or toughen up.

But people would be more understanding and show empathy when someone is upset.

To be in world where crying isn’t seen as a weakness but just an emotion. Something that happens and can give you strength on the other side of it.

Being me, and a highly sensitive person, I often hear the saying, you are too emotional Fay, you are too sensitive. Just toughen up and get over it.

I don’t let it bring me down anymore.

I don’t change myself because of that.

I tell everyone this.

Yeah I’m emotional, its who I am, and what has made me the person I am today, I’m emotional, but I’m so many other things too, because I’m emotional. Not despite it.

I wouldn’t choose to be anyone else today then who I am.

I don’t see shame in it anymore.

I do often though feel misunderstood, and that’s okay, because we all have our own journey and life experiences to go through. We are all different and can’t always understand everyone around us.

What we can do instead is respect each other for being different.

Everyone I talked to the last day or so about emotions, all told me the same story.

That they were taught to toughen up, to not cry or show emotions in public or to talk about them.

Most of them also wish it had been different.

Not opening up and talking about emotions, can leave a lot of scars, that has to be healed or worked on in the future.

I had to spend years working on mine, and I still have to work on it today. I’m not done yet healing from staying silent for so long.

So, I sympathise, but I also recognise that we can do better as a human race, and its up to every one of us to change this for the next future generation.

How we change this fact is to start small.

  • Work on ourselves first.
  • Learn to embrace your emotions and work through them, and not run from them or hide them.
  • Learn how to talk about them with others
  • Allow yourself to be vulnerable and see that as being brave, not as a weakness.
  • Start small, share it with a friend, a partner, a family member, and then when you feel more comfortable talking about it to others, spread that knowledge.
  • We have to understand that we cant do this alone.

We are a social species, and we need each other, and we need to be able to open up about sensitive subjects.

No one is strong every day, we all have weak days, where we feel beaten down by life.

Instead of walking that lonely road alone, recognise that you don’t have too.

But if you dont open up about how you feel how can anyone be there when you need It the most.

I am proud of myself that I got through every tough event in my life.

I learned emotional control to the point where emotions aren’t a danger to my well being anymore.

Because I learned to handle them and talk about them when they arose.

I am stronger for it

Thank you for reading my posts about emotions.

How are your thoughts and feelings about emotions?

Feel free to comment below

Have an amazing day 🙂

Emotions, a weakness or strenght?

Part two

Feeling and showing emotions isn’t a weakness for me anymore, it’s a strength, and here is why.

Connection:

Being honest about my emotions to the people around me and showing them has brought me closer friendships and connections then I ever felt I had before.

People see into me now and know who I am.

“Into me see”, comes from intimacy, how are we ever going to obtain this if we don’t open up to someone.

I talked to a friend today, and we talked about we have known each other for years, but it was only when I was going through a heartbreak that I really let him see who I am and opened up, and since this he opened up to me as well and today our friendship is built on mutual trust and the feeling that we can be our self with each other.

We didn’t have this before. Before he didn’t feel like I knew him, and I didn’t feel I could be honest with him.

I’m happy today that I was brave enough to be vulnerable with him because in that our friendship grew strong  

This is true to all my other friendship and deep connections I have with people in my life. I only got there to built something deep, because I opened up, even when I was feeling down.

Break down your walls:

I know how it feels to put every emotion into a box and you end up building the biggest wall around yourself towards anyone who enters your life, you end up going through life feeling like a robot and numb or worse.

You end up not only walling the bad emotions in like pain anger, but also feelings like joy happiness, and you build your wall up so high that no one can connect with you.

You built up your wall so high, that you don’t know how you are feeling.

I remember so many times in my life where I had a feeling but I didn’t want to face it, so it felt like I couldn’t put my finger on why I was feeling this way, and what the feeling was.

It just felt uncomfortable.

When I felt this, it wouldn’t go away. It would stick with me, this burden in my chest, that I couldn’t get released.

 A feeling I was being dragged down by something heavy, and it just grew, until one day I felt depressed, and then that feeling culminated into becoming a depression.

If I had dealt with what the feeling was and dealt with it sooner, I don’t think I would have ended up feeling depressed.

Today I learned how to break down my walls, and if I’m sad, I say I’m sad, and I try and figure out why, and then deal with the reason im sad, and give myself the comfort I need.

If I’m around people and I’m sad, I say I’m sad, and they either talk to be about it, or try and cheer me up.

Sometimes its okay to just say I’m sad, but I don’t really feel like talking about it today, so I just want to do something fun.

When I’ve opened up to my friends about this, we end up doing something fun and at the end of the night I feel better and less alone, then if I had said nothing.

There is strength in anger and pain:

Pain and anger can be a huge motivator to get stuff done.

Anger to me feels like a lot of adrenaline rushing through my body and I feel like I can run faster and work at a higher speed.

You can turn anger into something productive. Anger is only a bad feeling if you use it to hurt someone else or yourself with it.

Same with pain, emotional pain can be a motivator too.

It was in my life.

You know the song believer from imagine dragons?

That song has a lot of truth to it. Pain can build you up and give you strength.

The time I have been most productive and the bravest I’ve ever been, was when I was going through emotional pain or when I was feeling anger.

It gave me drive and made me feel enough was enough, and instead of feeling sorry for myself I rose up and did something about my situation.

It eventually turned anger and pain into feeling pride.

Pride of what I had accomplished despite feeling in a rough state.

Sharing this with people around me in a healthy way, only helped build me up.

Empathy:

If you know how you feel, you can relate to how others feel and empathize with them, and in this, it brings you closer to them, and it creates connection.

If you have this in your life, it can make you a better leader, a better co-worker, a better friend, wife/husband and so much more.

Creativity:

I’ve never been so creative then If I was feeling a certain emotion, if it was pain, happiness, or anger. My writing or any work I put into drawing always ended up a million times better because I let my emotions unfold on paper.

It has helped my creativity immensely and brings my work to life.

Knowing your emotions gives you clarity of who you are and what you need:

If you know how you feel and deal with those emotions when they arrive, you give yourself emotional first aid and once a situation again arises you know better how to handle that emotion. Instead of burying it, you learn how to deal with a strong emotion, so you can walk stronger through life and the challenges it throws at you.

You learn more about yourself and what you need.

If you burrowed them, you rob yourself from that clarity.

Emotions is like a compass into yourself, knowing how you feel and why you feel this way teaches you a lot more about yourself so that you feel you know yourself at a deeper level.

Emotions are a part of life.

When you feel in love, when you cry seeing your new-born the first time, feeling pain when you lose a person you loved, or feeling angry when you lost control of a situation. Its all part of life, and it makes you human. We all have emotions, but for some reason openly talking about how we feel is taboo.

What I wish that we, as a society would teach everyone is emotional control.

Instead of having to hide how we feel, get used to talking about them instead and learn how to deal with strong emotions if they become too much.

I learned hiding mine wasn’t a gain to society or people around me, instead I robbed myself and everyone else from who I was and what I had to give.

I had to learn how to apply emotional first aid to myself, when things got tough.

Next part and last one is coming up next and its about what I wish for the future and my last thoughts on emotions. Stay tuned…