My 2020 Experience

Its new year’s day and the year is now 2021

When I look back at 2020, it fills me with a lot of emotions, but also surprise.

Going into 2020, I thought it was going to be my year. I had found new love, I was braver then ever and started working on this blog, writing about my past experiences, and had a new passion of streaming and making videos.

My daughter was happy, my mom was social and happy, enjoying life.

My friends and me where on great terms, and having a lot of fun. Life was good, and the opportunity of traveling and working on a dream I’ve had for years.

And life was great for 2 months, but then COVID-19 happened, and it spread widespread panic. I could no longer realistically see my long-distance boyfriend, I had to shield at home, because my mother was an elderly and her lungs weren’t in a great state. My Teenage daughter was having a rough time, and couldn’t go to school, and had to stay at home. Boyfriend and me broke up, and it was rough, I suffered heartbreak for a few months but tried to stay positive despite feeling down, I continued to work on my dreams, but it was rough acting like I was in a good place mentally when I really just didn’t want to get out of bed most days.

I had months and days where I weren’t feeling super social, so lost contact with most of my friends, and seeing them having a rough time too during these times, brought us further apart then closer, since we where both having a rough time.

Watching my normally happy mother go into what looked like a depression, and then being sick and we where both thinking at the time that she had gotten infected, she was later cleared, but watching the panic in her face, scared me, I suddenly started having thoughts that I had put behind me years ago.

What if I loose my mother and everyone I love and its just me, alone?

I couldn’t deal with that thought and I tried to escape from it, but it followed me, most days. The fear of loosing people I love, I had already lost a few I cared about this year and was still mending from my heartbreak.

I spend most of my days at home too scared to go out because what if I got sick and infected my mom, I live at home at the moment to save money, and I spent most of my year in isolation. Only contact I had was with friends, and my family.

As a gamer I don’t go out a lot normally but before if I wanted to travel or go to the movies I just did, but with covid 19 I felt I had to stay at home, for my safety, for my moms, and for everyone out there. I wouldn’t take it well if I got sick and infected strangers around me and putting people at risk, especially the elderly. So I turned down every offer through out the whole year of seeing people and going out.

This year has been one of the toughest for me personally, not only because of the fear of covid, but the isolation, the loss of people I cared about, seeing people I care about being depressed or upset.

As a highly sensitive, I learned quickly that I couldn’t handle watching the news too often, because it was all way to upsetting, and I care deeply when I hear someone got sick or aren’t feeling well.

What surprised me this year is that through out the next bad thing after the other, I still kept going; I still managed to stay me, and not loose track of my dreams, I had to put some of it on standby and take care of myself better, but when I had those days I didn’t want to leave my bed, I got up and started working anyway.

I set goals for myself and managed to keep most of them and despite life being hard I never stopped walking up that hill.

Just to be in motion, to keep moving forward, and managed to keep the smallest hope that things would soon turn to the better.

I never gave up, I never went back to my old way of thinking, and im proud of that.

I am also thankful because in all this, I had amazing friends who always cheered me on, to keep moving and gave me praise when I achieved even the smallest of goals.

This was my 2020 experience, and I learned so much.

I learned to keep hope, even when its hard, that things will be brighter tomorrow, even if it wasn’t true. I would still wake up the next day thinking that it would be brighter tomorrow, for the world, for my family, for my friends and for me.

I learned to be more comfortable being alone, even though I hated it most days being an extrovert, an all, but being alone, gave me a chance to feel through the pain, and heal when I needed too, and learn to control the negative thoughts, when I felt it was easier just giving up.

I learned a lot about friendship and what it means to be a friend.

I learned about love and when it fails, but also learning to love oneself, and that I actually liked being single, not wanting another relationship for a long time, because I just wanted to be me.

I learned that even though I fear being alone, I will never truly be alone.

I learned im a lot stronger than I think I am.

What did the world around me teach me?

That the world wasn’t ending even though I might have felt it in the beginning.

That people are a lot tougher than they look, and that despite these dark times, that they are still able to come together, show compassion and support for even strangers.

I saw love, compassion, and consideration in places I would never have thought, I saw strangers come together.

I will never forget 2020 like most of the other years, this year was the hardest yes, but I will always appreciate what I learned from this experience, and my hope for the future hasn’t diminished its grown like never before.

How was your 2020 experience and what did it teach you?

May 2021 be a great and wonderful year for you dear reader, and keep strong, you got this. I believe in you, I believe in all of us.