Love is Just Love…

Its funny how life works

The moment I give up on the idea of finding love, the moment I feel like I don’t really need it and feel absolutely content being single.

Boom

I find it.

And it’s like nothing I have ever experienced before.

I’ve been single for 4 years, and this might not sound like a long time, but for me it was a lifetime.

Since I was 17, I’ve been in long term relationships.

and though being in a relationship felt great at times, it also took away too much.

I always lost part of my identity, giving myself 100 %.

I always put a lid on my emotions, dialled myself down, so when the relationships I was in broke, I had to rebuilt myself up again from the ground.

And I learned in the last 4 years that it wasn’t my ex-boyfriends that was to blame for that.

It was me.

I dialled myself down on purpose.

I lost my identity willingly.

In order to please

To fit in better

To be the perfect version I thought they wanted me to be.

In so many of my previous relationships I secretly wanted to be saved.

I wanted them to be the hero and I the vulnerable princess.

But that’s not how love works.

Love is so much deeper, and love means you don’t have to dial yourself down, or change the core of who you are, love is when you can be completely yourself, and your partner can be the same.

Its not about need, want or trying to change each other.

Love just is.

In these past years, I read a lot about love.

In spirituality, science, and psychology.

I studied it, but always questioned it.

How could it be so simple?

Why didn’t I feel it in my previous relationship?

That sense of it being easy.

Natural

The way I read about.

I didn’t understand it until I meet him.

And now I finally understand.

I feel like a fog has lifted and I see the world in a brighter light.

An endless lightbulb moment.

When I meet him, there was an almost immediate connection.

And a friendship developed quickly.

It felt so easy to talk to him.

Like our communication just flowed so easily.

I was shocked at how easy it was to talk to him, and even more stunned when I realised, I opened up about things I normally found difficult to talk about.

I was completely myself around him, no filters, no dialling myself down.

I could just me 100 % me.

With most people in my life, I always have the feeling that I have to tune myself down a little bit.

I have always been told that I can be a little too enthusiastic at times, that I am too loving, too caring, too emotional.

Being a highly sensitive person, this has been a pretty normal reaction to me my entire life.

Being too much.

So of course, I’ve been so used to dialling myself down, so I feel I fit in a little bit better.

But with him there are no walls, just 100 % me.

I quickly developed a crush on him, but I didn’t act on it for a long time. Instead, I tried to put a lid on it.

I was in a really good place in my life, everything was going well.

My dreams felt a little closer, my family life had never been better, everything just felt great, but that wasn’t the reason why I didn’t act on my crush.

I was terrified of losing the budding already strong friendship with him.

I had previously experienced that when you first share your crush feelings with a friend, the friendship changes, sometimes in a negative way.

And I was scared.

So, I thought I could drown this budding feeling down.

Try to hide it.

But the more time I spent with him, the more difficult it became to hide this feeling.

It only grew and soon that was it.

I was in love.

Being me, I fall hard.

I turn from a grown woman into a giggling teenager in an instant.

I have a hard time focussing, sleeping, and eating.

And my smile grew 10 times in size when I was near him.

I live with my mom, and she was the first to notice.

She looked at me one day and said.

“I have never seen you this much in love”.

I was shocked when she said it, though I knew her words where true, I felt it, it was pretty intense, but I also realised that I couldn’t hide it anymore.

I had to tell him.

Not because I expected anything to come out of it, not because I wanted anything.

But because I value honesty so much that I felt I was being dishonest by not sharing my feelings.

So, one day after we had talked for hours, and I had caught myself unconsciously flirting with him, I took a deep breath and wrote him a message.

I have never in my life felt so scared, so naked, so emotionally open.

I remember I had talked to a friend of mine, and I Burst into tears of fear.

I was so scared of how he would react if he would feel pressure or if it would ruin our friendship.

My friend calmed me down, and told me it was better I just tell him, than keep it in.

That everything would work out.

For the entire night after having written my message, my thoughts where ruminating in my mind.

Taking control of everything.

I imagined every possible scenario, and how I would react or how I would have to deal with it.

I didn’t sleep much that night.

In the morning I saw the dots on my screen, and his name in print.

He was typing me back.

My heart stopped in that moment.

Until the words formed on my screen.

He felt the same.

I jumped out of my chair.

I ran into the living room with my mom sitting there and I screamed happily.

He feels the same.

I was ecstatic.

Since that moment I’ve been living in a dream.

Feeling my heart growing 10 times bigger, with an everlasting smile on my face.

I feel different, but also 10 times more myself than I have ever felt.

I feel more inspired.

More motivated

More me

I don’t have to hide with him.

I am just 100 % me, and it’s so easy.

When I got into a relationship in the past

I always felt too overwhelmed being in love.

I felt fear.

I felt anxious.

With him every single thing feels like the most natural thing in the world.

Everything just flows.

I find myself doing things I have in my past been a bit nervous doing.

Like wearing a dress.

I am more open, more myself with people around me too.

Its so much easier just being 100 % me.

In public

With my friends

With my family

Its like I see everything more clearly.

Yes, it might be the in-love brain talking.

But one thing I really noticed changing.

Is how my entire mindset changed.

Towards every part in my life.

I see myself growing.

I feel myself feeling stronger.

I feel more determined towards reaching my goals, my dreams.

I don’t feel I have to change myself.

Or dial myself down anymore

yet I’ve never been more determined to just me be.

In every aspect of my life

The biggest change I feel is.

I feel absolutely no fear.

Only freedom, joy, and excitement for tomorrow.

Another change I noticed with him, there is no need, no want in selfish ways.

We can be together and just ourselves.

And we can be apart and be missing each other but still give our attention to our family, friends and our dreams and goals.

The previous desperation I felt creeping in in previous relationships to be glued together, in fear of the relationship ending, I don’t feel with him.

There is just love.

I finally understand the meaning of

Love just is.

Its that simple

Ill be back with more Blog Posts soon

Until then have a magical day ❤

MissFaylyn out…

Everything really is possible with these small steps

it really is the spring of change. with a feeling of hope, dreams and everything being possible. I took a picture of this the other day, and in me it inspires the same feeling I feel in at the moment. Spring of ever lasting postive change..

I have so much to write about, I have no idea how I can possibly fit it into a blog post.

I have no idea where to begin, how I can describe in good enough detail how I am feeling and thinking.

I am absolutely in awe of how life feels right now.

I see nothing but beauty, possibilities, and hope.

A strength I’ve never felt so strong before.

A feeling of everything will be okay, and better than I could have ever imagined.

I’m getting so close.

So close to that impossible dream

Not my You Tube dream, that I’m still working on

No, this dream is much bigger.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I’ve been living on wellfare most of my life, and I was often advised from everyone in my life, and the government, that maybe it was time to retire.

I almost agreed to this 8 years ago.

Because at that time, I had lost hope.

At that time, I was desperate enough to try any job, it didn’t matter what I did, I just didn’t want to be unemployed with no purpose to waking up too.

Having no purpose followed me through all my life.

And I hated that feeling.

It wasn’t because I didn’t dream or had no desire to do anything with my life, but my confidence and self-worth in myself was so low, that every time I dared to dream, I quickly shot that thought down, because I felt so broken.

Broken by my past, broken from feeling so much all the time.

I never understood why I found everything so difficult.

My life was a constant failure, everything I tried or pushed myself to do, ended up being another burnout, another failure.

So, I lost hope

Lost hope for a better tomorrow, for ever getting out of the system.

Every time I had to talk to social workers or walk up to that horrible building where my meetings where at, I felt myself shaking.

I got that familiar feeling of intense fear, and felt anger rising at myself the world even the state, crippling my steps, crippling my mind.

I felt so small, so unseen and so worthless every time I talked to a social worker.

Despite them trying to inspire me, and give me hope, all my failures made it so hard to see the way forward.

And I felt the constant pressure of time running out.
I got older and worse with every year.

but something changed last year.

Before last year I went through small steps towards healing my past, healing my trauma, my pain, and I was feeling a lot better than I had in the past.

I wanted to change, more then anything I’ve ever wanted before.

I wanted to get up with a feeling that I was capable of so much more.

That I could be so much more then just unemployed.

Being good at gaming wasn’t enough anymore.

Being a good loving person wasn’t enough anymore.

I started to slowly play with the idea of making You tube videos my dream, and the goal to work towards, and this dream only grew in strength.

But I also knew within myself, that If I really worked on becoming a content creator one day, I had to sort my life first.

I didn’t want to get there, still feeling scared, overwhelmed doing small things like shopping or groceries, or feeling too independent on my mom to help me with the smallest task that every grown person does naturally.

  • Paying bills
  • Talking with banks, strangers
  • Washing clothes
  • Cleaning
  • Grocery shopping
  • Cooking
  • And so much more

I had a hard time finding the energy for any of that. I also never realised that just washing my clothes felt so intensely scary to me.

Every time I wanted to try and wash my own clothes, I was suddenly overwhelmed with thoughts like.

“If I wash my clothes, ill make it all pink or destroy the fabric”.

“What if I, being so clumsy as I am, electrocute myself or destroy the washing machine”.

“I can’t even maintain a normal daily life, so why do I think I can manage washing my own clothes?”

I felt extremely confident in the gaming world, but when it came to a small task like washing my clothes, I felt a lot of anxiety about it, so I did what I learned best in those situations, and that was to avoid doing it all together.

But in avoiding it, I also robbed myself from feeling independent.

And having that feeling now, I cherish it so much.

Independance

Today after having worked extremely hard on myself this year, I feel so confident, and true independence.

I know I can handle anything that comes my way.

Every small task I was so scared of before.

I know that when I live alone Ill handle everything with grace and strength.

Because I understand the steps, I have to take to do things that are hard.

I understand that if one day I make a mistake, that its okay, it’s just an opportunity for experience and growth.

Yes, so what if I turn my clothes pink?

Ill just learn a valuable lesson and try again.

“I’ve been washing my own clothes for months now, and I’ve never made it pink yet, but I realised that this small task, has already given me so much joy”.

And I feel the same with every day-to-day task that I do now.

I understand the value of the small things better now.

And by working so much in the small, I have realised I can use the same steps on the much harder challenges facing my way.

If I remember the same steps, I took to get to a place where I could wash my own clothes.

And that is why I for the first time see my big dream so close to me.

Its no longer unbelievable but so close.

I know that I can do great things with my life.

I know that I’m no longer going to trap myself into a

“I can’t do it mindset”.

Instead, I embrace the steps I’ve learned to don’t think just do mindset I have practised.

My steps for doing anything in life is this, doesn’t matter if its washing my own clothes or ifs its making a new You Tube video

  • Set a goal to do it and start with the first small step.
  • Learn (Gather information, read, ask for advise, YT videos, skillshare, everything that might help you know more about the task at hand)
  • Take the first active step, even if its just as small as sorting my own clothes into small groups, or starting on a script, writing ideas down or a video)
  • Feel (how does it feel? Does it feel scary? What thoughts do I have, having done this one step, sit down and write it down if I find the need to, reflect on it. Write it as I write a blogpost, write how I feel but try and find a positive outlook to it.

Example on this: I’m scared I turn my clothes pink = yes you might turn your clothes pink but its okay to make mistakes. Remember you are MissFaylyn you celebrate your failures, because you understand with experience that it only leads to growth and more experience, and every time you practise you get better and faster at a task = proof, my gaming experience, and my YT videos.

That’s how I internalise how I feel, and after I do this, with the same outlook as the example above, every task feels a lot less scary, because I allow myself to fail and see it as a positive thing instead of something that’s bad.

  • Take the next step – and the next. If I need to go back to the feel step and realise it’s okay to take a step back. Now that I’m working on this task = Challenge, I know that I have committed myself to be on this path. In taking the first step with intent, its easier to continue, as long as I remember small steps, not look at the big picture too soon, get too impatient in reaching the end goal.
  • Now its time to practise, learn more, get better, faster at this task, and slowly implement it into my day, week, month. Some of the things I work on, is more important than others. Like calling the bank is not as needed as washing my clothes is on a weekly basis. Recognizing what’s important now, to what’s important later has helped me a great deal in relaxing more, so I don’t feel so overwhelmed that I have to do everything right now. Some things can wait until tomorrow, but I should never push it back too far. So, I make sure to put everything I want, need, and have planned into my schedule for the month, and if I notice I push washing my clothes, I keep a deadline, so it gets done, same with everything else in my life, so I don’t end up in the mindset off “Ill do it later and then never do it”.
  • The last step is the most important step of them all and it is Recognize why this task was so important in the first place, notice what you learned, what feeling it gave you, what your thoughts are now on this difficult task. Did it add positives into your life or is there a feeling of something negative – if positive celebrate it, be proud, you did it, add it to the pool of small success moments, if negative, recognize its okay to go back, work more with the feelings of it, and maybe take a different path to doing the same task. Maybe add in things can help make it more positive experience.

Doing these steps in everything I do has helped me tremendously on my path to change.

I no longer feel something is to impossible, but I see a way where I make everything possible.

It gives me hope that there is no limit to the sky. That I really can do what ever I set my mind too.

I can be succesful

I can be great at what I do

Aslong as I just start and work on things I want in my life and not hold myself back with fear.

and most importanly never rush any of my steps.

In my past the reason why I failed and found everything so challenging, is because I forced myself to do everything too quickly, and if I didnt do it perfectly every time, I would see it as a fail and instead of trying again I just gave up.

It was easier to not try but it only made me feel worse over time, for not trying, for giving up.

Because everytime I gave up on a task I really wanted to learn or do, I lost more faith in myself, and put feelings of shame, and guilt into that mix…

I couldnt fit everythingt thing I wanted to write about so ill have to do it in more blogposts soon.

I experience so many moments of change, and lifechanging lightbulb moments at the moment, that it has been hard to find the time to put it all into words.

what I can say though is that my life today and this entire year, has given me a feeling of a deep feeling of hope, of strenght, of love.

I went from being a girl with so little in my life, and I have now found love, deep connection, amazing friends.

My family life has never been better.

My confidence and selfworth has never felt so safe, and strong, especially my selfworth.

Like its made from the strongest diamant, and that is a feeling I have never had before.

That no matter what happens in my future, I just know with every fiber of my being that I will be okay.

I have committed myself to myself, my life and my dreams, and I feel the impact of the choice, in everything that I do.

and have also discovered so many sides to myself that leave me lost for words.

My world no longer feels too difficult to live in but instead a world of love, magic and where everything is possible.

I have never been prouder to be MissFaylyn as I feel today.

If you find anything in your life has been to hard, too scary, dont give up. remember its okay to take a step back, dont beat yourself up, but instead trust yourself that in time you will get there.

Its always worth trying even if it might not look like it when you set out to do a task at first.

Some things are harder then others, and some take a lot of time, even years to work through, and its okay if you remember that you are already commited to the journey when you in your mind say that you want to do it, to try it, to satisfy your curiousity, to change.

Aslong as you think it, you are on that path to doing it and eventually add it to the small success piles in your life

But remember dont beat yourself up when you fail, failing is something I myself cherish now more then my succes stories. It was the failues that taught me more about myself, my own strenght, my capabilities, and my resolve, or how to find a new and better way though the things that are difficult.

MissFaylyn out

have a magical day

keep failing, keep succeding, and most importantly keep smiling.

I believe you can do anything you set your mind and heart too, we are so much stronger and capable then what we might think we are at times, as long as you never give up and keeping moving forward.

Words in Anger of a Forgotten Feeling

I’ve haven’t been this angry in years.

Today my past came up like never before, and I needed to write.

I needed the words on paper so I could release them safely from my head.

Today I write in anger, but I hope the message is clear enough, without too much anger.

I know its not that simple. Black or White, that it is in colour.

But today I only see red

Today im Blind to any other colours.

Yet, I hope my rant resonates.

The same frustration and anger that everyone sometimes feels.

When not being heard.

When not being seen.  

Here we go, rant incoming…

I remember today why I escaped into the world of gaming for years.

I remember one of the reasons.

And it’s the same reason that gives me the urge to put my weapon down and stop fighting.

Fighting for everything I have achieved and accomplished so far.

Realising at the end of the day that I’m still meet with doubt in my resolve to show that I got this. 

Doubt from people near and dear to me.

Doubt from the state.

That doubt sprouting a little seedling within myself.

Feeling so tired of feeling so misunderstood

My whole life

Misunderstood

Being seen as weak

Despite having survived horrors, and abuse.

Being seen as dumb despite how long and how many days I’ve picked up books and learned something from scratch that normally comes with a degree.

A degree I couldn’t take because of my sensitivity and constant feeling of overwhelm from living in a too busy high-speed world.

Being seen as selfish and not caring when all I do is care, and so carefully try to not step on any toes, when at the same time being so used to feeling like a doormat.

But its okay because I cant not care. Its grown so deep into me, that despite me having tried to avoid people, so I wouldn’t care too much still end up caring.

Caring about the world I see in the news, the in-game talk from strangers, the songs of deep emotions from my favourite bands.

I often wonder where my place is in this world.

I just want a normal life where I can be independent and live my own life.

But how can I even get there if I am constantly meet with doubt?

Doubt that I CAN change, that I can be the strong person I know I am inside.

How can I make people close to me, believe that I do have it within me.

How can I prove that I got what it takes.

Isn’t it time I escaped the hell that was my life?

Isn’t it time that I am meet as an equal, as a human being with thoughts feelings, and that I matter just as much as everyone else does?

That I am capable of so much more then I was in my past.

That I don’t need to survive anymore but can actually thrive.

So why not allow me to just be…

Be ME

Why do I have to prove every step I take?

Why do I have to work so much harder?

The girl broken by her past

When is it time that the world doesn’t see the broken girl anymore.

But a woman headstrong, living every day like it matters.

Because it might look like im just that broken girl, but I am soo much more than that today.

That girl escaped hell inside of herself.

She wasnt lazy

Or weak

That hell she was living was created in the first place by the State she was put in care off.

Torn away from her loving Mother who didnt understand Western Society, and the loving Dad who had his rights taken away too early.

To grow up in hell.

A hell that she learned was the safest place to be, because she didnt know any better.

A hell she learned to have faith in

Believing this was how the world worked.

The only way to live a good life was to be meaner, own more cars, get rich and not caring.

and abuse and manipulate.

She learned that it was okay to step on other people to get a head.

A world of constant competition to prove that you where better then the person next to you.

A world where if you speak up, say no, no one will listen, and if they do, tell you to get a grip and move on the road already decided for you

She learned quickly that broken girl that she was doomed.

She had too big a heart.

Told too many times growing up.

“Loving too much, caring to much will be your downfall”

They might have been right…

Better behave or else

Better do your chores or else

Better do as told or else

Better try this because it’s the safest way.

Your dreams don’t matter.

So many years behind me

And I still don’t understand.

What are we fighting for?

What are we living for?

What is the most important in life?

Is it being an upstand citizen that’s important?

Have good table manners?

Look twice before your cross the road.

Stand in line and don’t cut through?

Is the most important thing in life chores?

Responsibility?

Degrees, diplomas, education?

I must have gotten it wrong.

I thought love was important.

I thought living life as your true self, was important.

To not be scared of who you are, but to be your own unique person, and it’s okay to not care for table manners, to not have multiple degrees, and still be considered smart.

To be sensitive but still be seen as strong.

That love is never wrong.

That family means everything.

Arrrrgh so f……. Angry.

Did I get it wrong?

Did the years of life lessons not matter?

My years of constantly fighting to stay afloat, to fight on.

I trusted them!

I trusted the state.

I trusted my family.

I trusted them to have my back.

I trusted them to hear me when I said no.

Instead, I realised I was wrong all along.

No one will be there, No one is on your side.

Only yourself

And if you want people to pay attention

Get that degree.

Step on those toes.

Fight like never before.

Shout a little louder.

You better prove that you can be trusted to have changed.

One day

One day I’ll show them all!

Enough is enough.

I will no longer be quiet.

I will fight until the end of my days.

To prove I’m stronger because of my past, not weaker.

Not a victim. So much more

That I’m worth just as much as everyone else.

That I am capable of so much more.

Yet still I feel unseen and misunderstood.

Its properly a bad idea to write when I am angry.

But in my anger, I feel frustrated.

I have been fighting with everything I got.

I work 5 times more than I did a year ago.

With only one day of rest.

My work, which the state called a “Hobby”, that my family still laugh at.

And yes, it is a hobby since I don’t get paid.

But does it mean less because I dont get payed?

Is wanting to inspire, to make people smile, to unleash my creativity not worthy of a profession?

Just because I do it for free?

Isnt it my life? Or did I get it wrong

Yes I live in poverty.

Yes I chose that lifestyle

It gives me hope

Because I dont want to retire

I want to work, to live, to do something of meaning

and my work “Hobby” gives me hope and meaning

I treat it as work.

I wake up every day early.

I work hard for hours, take a little lunch break, and then work hard again.

I work more than the normal 8 hours work time in a day, in Denmark.

Most Days I work all day.

I remember to do my exercise, to eat healthy, to do my chores, to attend to bills, everything that normal life brings.

Everything thats considered healthy.

Everything a normal human being considers to be normal.

Carefully planned steps, Ive written down in my excel spreadsheets.

I take time to see friends, to spend time with family.

I take on more responsibility from family, things I don’t normally do but volunteer to do, so I can finally prove that I got this.

That I’ve changed!

And even despite everyone around me can see I’ve changed; they still hesitate to do the one thing that’s means the world to me.

The one thing I can’t write about.

The reason why I am filled with so much fury.

I trusted them to have my back today.

To talk with the State, to help me show them I got this.

But alas I was disappointed.

At my meeting that meant everything!

That was the culmination of everything that I have gone through for years.

Worked so hard for…

They…

Left me hanging.

Looked at me with the same doubt.

“Poor Fay”

“Weak Fay”

“You haven’t proved enough”.

You are not enough.

You will never BE enough

Every single fibre of my being tells me I’m ready to take on this step.

I’ve been ready for a long time, but still, I have more to prove.

I spent almost a year doing extra and everything in my power and beyond that

To Prove im ready for this.

That its why im figthing so hard.

But still not enough…

and by the time it is enough it will be too late…

I wish still that we lived in a world where we can trust the spoken word, and that’s enough, to give just that one chance.

Even if it might appear risky, what if it isn’t? A Risk?

How many years do I have to work just a little bit harder to prove myself?

I know its not as black and white as that.

But today the meeting with my family and the state, it felt like I was back with me foster parents.

Speaking up, but not being heard.

Being disregarded and almost reprimanded for not being enough, for not knowing better.

Today after all I’ve fought through, everything I’ve worked for. Today it didn’t matter.

Today it wasn’t enough.

So tomorrow I’m going to do what I do best.

And fight a little bit harder.

Even though I don’t need to.

Even though I know I am doing enough, but I still have a lot to prove.

With a past like mine, I can’t just do ordinary like everyone else.

I have to excel to shine a little bit harder.

Cause If I don’t, they will always fear that I fall back to my old ways.

Being the victim not the survivor.

All because back then when I grew up.

I only learned what the grownups taught me.

I learned to see the world in a twisted way, because I was living in a twisted world.

Put there safely by the State, who trusted they knew best for me.

Despite all the degrees they had, and healthy upbringings, didn’t care to double check if the family they put me in to really was a good place to be in, a safe place to be in for a child.

And I am still being punished for their mistake.

MissFaylyn out.

Have an amazing day.

Be your own unique self, and don’t ever let anyone stop you from being you.

For living life as you want

For loving the way, you want

I still believe we all carry a unique light inside, and that we don’t need to prove anything to be special, to be beautiful, to matter, and to be trusted.

Learning How to create a Budget for the First Time

There is a lot I am in control over in my life right now.

My routine/daily schedule – check

A healthy lifestyle – check

Healthy friendships – check

A good work routine and flow – check

But there is one thing I am absolutely horrible at managing.

And I have always been the worst at this.

And this is my financial situation.

Handling my own money, I have always handled so irresponsibly.

It’s gotten a little bit better over the years, I’m no longer in a lot of debt.

But my relationship with money used to be the same with food.

I preferred to look at an empty wallet just as much as I enjoyed looking at an empty plate after a huge meal.

Whenever I got paid, I would spend all of it almost right away.

And not necessarily on myself, but friends, family at times even strangers, so at the end of the month I would have to loan money from friends or the bank.

Either that or collect bottles for food.

I used to do that a lot before I turned 30.

Every time I realised, I had to do something about this, and start looking into my finances, I kept postponing it.

Ill do it tomorrow or next month, and so went the years, and an even larger debt.

At 33 I moved back home with my mom, to start saving money for my own apartment.

At that time, I started to dream about becoming independent.

Opening my own business and brand one day.

And my hobby expenses increased.

I spent more money on computers, tech gear, gaming stuff, and in all that time I saved zero.

I’ve lived at my moms for more than 5 years now, and I still haven’t saved a dime.

I’ve tried to but after our washing machine broke, and my computer graphic card broke, all of my hard saved money was spent in a day.

3 months ago, I had enough of this.

And I realised I can’t keep saying “I’ll do it tomorrow” because at this rate, tomorrow might never show up, and then what happens, when my computer needs to be replaced, or something else needs to be replaced.

I realised its time to do the work and create my own budget and start looking at my wallet in a different light.

Just as I have learned that its okay to leave a bit of left over food on my plate rather than eat it all on an already full stomach.

Just because I have money doesn’t mean I have to spend it all in a month.

So how do I make budgeting fun?

Excel is the answer.

Well at least my answer.

I use excel for my schedule and work plans, but I’ve never actually used the calculative abilities it provides.

I never really realised its perfect to create a budget.

I never bothered to learn it.

Until I talked to my mentor, and he told me I should try it.

He gave me a template of how a budget could look like, and a week after I went to work, trying to understand this unfamiliar template.

Then it hit me.

I’m going to learn how to create my own. From scratch in my own style.

I love being creative, I love learning new things, so I started to look at this with a more positive outlook.

Creating a budget became fun.

I put all the numbers in, and it calculated it all out for me.

I expected to see a huge number left on my account afterwards but was shocked to see that my expenses were way to high.

I hardly had anything left atter bills, food, subscriptions had been paid, and I realised that won’t do if I have to start saving for my future dreams.

So, I took a harder look at my finances and had to pick and choose between my expenses.

Choose what to keep and choose what to stop buying, paying for.

And after a day of really deep diving into this, I felt so relived and immensely proud of myself.

I finally have a plan going forward.

I still need to learn a few things, but I know ill get the hang of it soon.

Its all practise.

The more energy I put into wanting to save and change my finances and work I put into it, the more it will change into something positive.

And not consistently be in the red.

I wish I had learned this a little bit sooner.

I wish someone would have sat me down when I was 18 to explain to me the pitfalls of borrowing money from the bank, not making a budget, and how important it really is to save.

I have always hated math.

Numbers make my eyes glaze over, wanting to fall asleep.

But I’ve learned just because I hate numbers doesn’t mean Ill have to hate making a budget.

If I decorate my excel spreadsheet in a splash of colour, with a few small prints on it, it will be a lot more fun to look at then just a bunch of numbers on a page.

I’ve learned yet again.

Its better too late than never

I am grateful that I finally rise up to the challenge of learning how to handle money in a better way.

Step 1.

Make a budget in excel, notepad, skecth book.

Step 2.

Do it in your style, make it fun to look at. Colourful if you are creative.

Step 3.

Regognise whats really important to spend money on, and what is a luxary, that you dont really need.

I had issues with step 3 but I also realise that when you save up for something you really want, once you eventually buy it when you have saved enough its a great feeling.

Impulse buys always left me with a sour taste in my mouth. especially if I had to borrow money for food.

Realising this makes step 3 a lot easier to swallow.

It’s been a while since I’ve written a blogpost, and ill try and change that a bit.

But I’ve been so immersed into making videos on my new You tube channel

(MissFaylyn Plays Sims)

I still plan to one day when I can afford the camera I want, down the line, ill start taking this Blog to You Tube, but that dream has to wait in line a little bit longer.

Firstly, I have to work a little bit harder on saving for a few rainy days before I spontaneously buy something I can’t afford yet.

I hope you an amazing day

Until next time 🙂

MissFaylyn Out…

A month into following my dream…

It’s a while since I’ve written a blog post.

Initially I set myself a goal to write a post every week at least, but the last month I finally started on the dream I’ve had for 3 years.

And ive been so busy

Not going to lie it was a scary feeling.

I had struggled with that fear for years, hiding it behind excuses like “Its not the right timing yet” or “I need to learn more, I still don’t have the experience need” and a million other bad excuses.

You see my dream was to start a You tube channel where I make Sims videos.

To be a content creator.

For the last year I struggled to start.

I already had my main channel where I posted world of warcraft videos once every 2 – 3 months and it felt safe to just do it when I pleased. Make silly videos just for me.

But last year I realised I wanted more.

I wanted to give this a proper shot.

I wanted to test if I really wanted this and I needed to understand why

Of all the jobs out there, why do I find content creation so interesting.

It took a year of soul searching and I realised something.

When I had been down, in a bad mood, or going through a mental breakdown, I always sought comfort in two things.

Playing the sims and watching you tube.

I would watch other content creators playing sims.

For hours on end

And watching them managed to make me smile, to make me laugh, to get up from the ground and move again.

I realised if I could do the same towards others. Make them smile on bad days, then that would be enough to make me happy.

I was already in love with making videos.

I have been for 3 years, and I knew I wanted to work with something like this in the future.

Making videos is the creative outlet I need.

To be able to express myself.

Playing games is where I can let my imagination unfold.

Where everything is possible, and I can just drift away living in that space for a while.

So making videos of the games I play is a perfect dream for me, but is it realistic?

Properly not.

Can I make it?

Maybe, maybe not

And that is why I was so scared to start.

Because I put my dream on a pedestal and put way too much pressure on myself.

In my mind I was terrified to start because looking back at my other channel, where it rarely got any traffic, if any.

And I didn’t want that to happen on my new channel if I suddenly started for real.

That’s why I didn’t start for so long.

I didn’t want to fail from the beginning.

So that’s what made me obviously fail before I even started.

I forgot all the things I’ve learned in the past 3 years.

That failing is not a bad thing its part of the journey to success.

If You don’t fail, you don’t learn.

I am never going to be a good editor if I don’t make videos and I will never be a watched content creator if I don’t actually make videos and learn from them step by step.

When I think about my dream I didnt care about the money that it could give.

Money is never the reason why I do what I do.

My main goal was to feel a sense of purpose, to give back to the world in my way.

Give back what I got myself.

My goal is eventually to be independent, but most important to have a job that provides meaning for me.

With my past I know I cant have a regular job, I cant work just to work, it would tear me apart.

If the meaning isn’t there, the purpose I burn out quicker then a match does.

So, I’ve spent the last decade trying to find a purpose of a future career that could give me this.

And that’s where I found video creation.

So in the last month I started.

I started with an idea, and I had no idea if it was a good idea but I was determined to start no matter what.

It was time.

I felt it.

If I didn’t start now, I would end up the same in the last 3 years, and feel shame for feeling the fear.

What worth does it have to me if I say I want to make videos but rarely made any?

I wanted to prove to myself that I truly love this, and to prove that it was just my fear that held me back.

And a month later I can happily say it was just my fear.

I am in love again.

In love in a way I have never felt it before.

I am in love with my work.

I have made 11 videos in a month, and I haven’t felt this fulfilled and happy in a long time.

It’s not the best videos.

In fact the sound was way to loud, and the edit could have been better.

But with every video I learn more about editing then I have in long time.

I am not just reading and researching about how to edit videos, I actually put everything I’ve learned into practise.

To my surprise I initially wanted to post one video a week, but making 2 hasn’t been hard at all.

I still have time for my 10000 steps every day, to spend time with family, to walk with friends, to do my chores at home, to live outside of You Tube.

One of my biggest fears was that it would consume all my time, that the love I have for my work, would consume me too much, and I would only breathe You Tube and my videos.

It is a balancing act, of discipline, time management, and saying no to a few things.

One of the things I had to say no to, was actually gaming.

I hardly have time to play the games I enjoy. I try to set a bit of game time in the weekend, and work on my videos for the week.

But I mostly play games when I record for my videos, and I realised that playing so little, makes me more excited to play when its time to record again, I feel happier more excited to play and it shows in my videos.

By waiting 3 years to start on my dream taught me a lot about myself.

It taught me to find a reason behind my dreams.

To find out why, and really question myself and my decisions.

I learned a lot about fear, and how to overcome self-doubt.

I still feel afraid, and I still have self-doubt, but it’s part of the process. I realised I have to just breathe and do it anyway.

My motivation to make videos and so many of them, comes from my mom.

She enjoys them a lot.

I watch them with her, and hearing her laugh when my sims does silly things, or when my sims gets in trouble, it’s the greatest feeling in the world.

To watch her look forward to the next video I make or the next episode.

This is the feeling I wanted to pass a long to others.

What I got myself back in the day and wanted to give back.

So yes, I have found a new love and its my new channel, my sims videos, my work.

We all have dreams, and our dreams change every year, but I realised having mine, that its important to fight for them, to work towards them its worth following them.

At the end of the road dreams might change, mine did a little.

I initially wanted to make world of warcraft videos, but instead chose sims 4 .

I think the biggest thing I learned, is to question your dreams, to ask why you have them, but also dive deeper into you own expectations and what is realistic.

I have no idea if I will one day be able to live of my dream, and that’s okay not knowing this.

I am okay with my videos only being seen by a handful, if I can make that handful smile, it’s worth all the time and effort I have put in my videos.

Its also a process I enjoy.

Editing a video is a feeling of doing a mindfulness meditation for me. I am present in the moment and just disappear into my work.

Everything around me fades away.

It’s a playground where my creativity can truly do its work.

So, if was to just edit for the rest of my life I would find great joy in doing that, even if it is a hobby.  

That doesn’t mean I won’t take it seriously.

I have dedicated myself to my dream and I will do what it takes to follow it through, by still remembering myself in the process, taking care of my mental health and wellbeing is the only priority over my videos.

So with this knowledge I am so excited for the next years to come, I am excited to see what I can do with my videos in a year, what comes out of it.

And I am happy I overcame my fear and just started.

And I’m so relieved that it was just my fear that prevented me from starting sooner…

Ill do my best to plan out blog post a little better, I still want to write a post every week, but sometimes I struggle to find inspiration that isnt about video creation which at the moment is something I live and breathe for.

But I have so much I want to write about still.

So if I arent as active as I usually am on my blog, its just because im busy or struggle to find inspiration thats not You Tube atm 😀

I still need to update my website aswell, and one day ill set time to do this.

I hope you have an amazing day ❤

MissFaylyn out…

Dont Think Just Do

The Phrase Dont Think Just Do, helped me start My You Tube Channel, Missfaylyn Plays Sims, it helped me create this website and blog, and I would never have started streaming if not for this saying.

I started thinking about this phrase years ago.

Don’t think Just do.

What it means to me is when I start overthinking something, when I start feeling scared or nervous of making a jump towards something I want, I say this phrase in my mind, a few times, and instead of thinking I just Do.

It has come in handy several times in the last few years.

It has made me make jumps towards making my own life richer on new experiences.

Some of them good, and some of them bad, but even the bad taught me a lot about myself.

This phrase changed my life around.

Before I stumbled upon this little saying, I was living in constant stagnation.

It could take me months to be brave enough to just take a leap into something new, if I even made the jump at all.

And I needed new.

For years I lived every day the same way.

I experienced nothing new, and felt like I was just being carried away with the stream of life.

No control over where I was going.

Every time I wanted to try something new, my fear and anxiety stopped me.

“I really want too, but I can’t”.

“I would love to do this, but I can’t”.

“Sorry I know I said yes, but I have to cancel”.

For years I did this.

I was so scared of feeling pain, or taking a wrong step in life.

I was so scared of doing the wrong thing that even the possibility of doing something right, scared me off from trying, because what if it turned out to be wrong.

Before I changed my thinking something bad happened.

I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 7 years.

I was heartbroken for months.

My life turned worse then it had been before the breakup, but even though every day was painful, I felt something I had never felt before.

I felt very strongly.

For years I had protected myself a little bit too carefully.

I was so used to saying no, that I started to feel like a robot.

I just lived, ate, slept, and escaped into the fantasy world of gaming and watching tv shows.

Constant entertainment, no purpose.

This lifestyle had taken a toll on me.

Feeling nothing for years, except from fear, and constant anxiety over the future, it left me feeling numb and unhappy.

Like a robot.

Until that breakup.

For months I felt the despair, the loneliness, the confusion, the fear and anxiety.

I felt angry, ashamed, depressed.

I had hit rock bottom.

One day something changed.

One day, when I felt I had nothing, I suddenly started to hope.

Hope for a better future.

This was the first time, I no longer wanted to live my life pleasing people.

This was the first time I was so angry at the world, that I just thought F… it.

“Today I live for me, and I will do all the mistakes and say yes more then I say no.”

“Yes, I might feel sad, I might get angry, I might lose everything again, I might fail, but its nothing I haven’t already lost, its nothing I haven’t already felt.”

So, I came across the phrase.

Don’t think just do.

I still don’t remember where I found it, I think I was just googling one day and saw a picture with this sentence.

And I went on to DO.

I did a lot of new things I had never experienced before, and to this day I still constantly do new things.

Every time I feel myself overthinking something I stop my thoughts, and I just jump into it fearlessly.

I’ve learned that sometimes, you have to try to find out if its just as bad as you might think it is, and in my experience.

Everything I was so scared of trying turned out to be the best experiences in my life.

I’ve learned since then that the things you worry about, only 90 % of it is true.

So mostly we just spend time worrying about nothing.

While being so scared of pain, it stopped me from living life.

Forgetting that pain is a part of life, without feeling pain, you never feel the really good in life too.

Life isn’t just black and white, its in all the colours and emotions out there, it’s a lifetime of new experiences, mistakes and small successes.

And when I really started to realise this, it made it easier to really live my life.

I still have a lot to learn about life, and myself.

I still occasionally think more then I do.

It’s a balance, and I have to constantly remind myself to live more, and try more, then too quickly say no to things.

But what this phrase has already taught me is a lifetime worth of value.

I would never have started my You Tube channel if it wasn’t for this phrase.

I would never have attended the group I did last fall.

The group that changed my life to the better.

I would have never started this blog or started streaming.

So do you have anything where you think too much instead of just doing?

What is stopping you from this?

What would happen if you, just DO, and try it, before you say no?

Have an amazing day with all the new experiences waiting for you out there, and may they all be great and lifechanging in the best of ways ❤

MissFaylyn Out…

I am finally ready to be on the road of my dreams

It’s been a while since I last posted a blog post, but its funny how fast time goes, when you are focusing on something.

Sunday the 15 January I finally did it.

After 1 year of debating whether to go for it or not, I did it.

I posted videos to my new You Tube channel, and since then I’ve been head deep into making more.

3 videos released and working on the 4th.

My 3rd video released only 8 days after my first one on my new You Tube Channel MissFaylyn Plays Sims

For years I wanted  to make this You Tube channel, since I knew I was in love with editing, making videos, creating,  but I was too scared.

I kept making excuses to postpone my plans.

“I am not ready yet”.

“I need a better camera before I start”.

“I need to practise talking on camera”.

For Months I had this thought in the back of my mind.

“What if people hate what I am doing.”What if people hate what I am doing”

“What if a year forward no one will watch my videos”

“What if I start and I realise I hate it, and its too late to stop”.

What if….

But I forgot something.

Something Huge.

Making videos make me happy.

Watching my own videos with my mom, makes me smile.

Finishing a video, fills me with a sense of pride, like I accomplished something huge.

I made an idea into a visible product.

This is what I needed to think about.

Not all the other thoughts and worries.

The last many months, since summer, I’ve been through a lot.

I have learned a lot.

Learned about habits.

The importance of a healthy sleep schedule, eating patterns, daily exercise.

My entire lifestyle changed.

I do realise today why I didn’t start making videos on my new channel until now.

I had a dream, I wanted to follow it, but I never realised the sacrifices I would have to make.

I wasn’t ready to sacrifice it yet.

When you want to make videos for a living, then its work, and it’s a lot of work.

I wanted to play games all day, still be able to talk to my friends and live the way I lived. I wasn’t ready to give up the late night marathon gaming with my friends.

I was terrified if I did start and gave up time for my friends, if I would lose them in the process.

I was terrified that I would sacrifice too much.

When I am passionate about something I always do it a 125 % and have a hard time stopping, until I experience a burnout that normally last a few months.

So, this was the main thing I was worrying about.

But changing my life this last fall to a more healthier one, where I put my mental health and general health first, has done wonders for me.

I am no longer scared of burnout, because I learned how to stop it before I starts.

I learned to take breaks for me, for my friends, but not spend all day gaming, and by learning this, I am finally ready.

No longer ruled by fear, and worries following my dream.

I am in love with Editing and making videos.

I’ve done it for 3 years, but this is the first time, when everything just clicks.

Where I feel a sense of freedom, no longer burdened with my own negative self-talk.

I have no idea what is going to happen in 1 year, but I am determined more then ever to make videos every week.

To enjoy the process instead of thinking about the outcome.

To put all the love and passion into my work.

It had to start with slow steps of change.

I’ve known for years I wanted to do this.

But to truly be ready for it, I had to first understand what it takes to follow this road, what I needed to sacrifice, what I needed to improve on.

And I finally see it clearly now.

That every step I’ve taken the last 3 years is not father away from my dream, but I was actually getting myself closer to it.

I had to go through the fear, to work through it.

I had to realise and feel the sadness when I realised the first time, no one watched my first video, beside a friend or two.

If I hadn’t experienced that I wouldn’t have realised what really matters to me.

That its not about watch time for me, that’s just a bonus.

Its me doing what I love, and making my mom smile and laugh when she sees my videos.

Being a content creator is a lot of work, more then I could ever have imagined it would be, and I never really realised how much you have to learn.

Its not just watching a person play games, it’s so much more.

That person put hours of work into an idea, how to film it, what to say, how to react quickly, and then when its time to edit.

What to cut from the video, how to edit it

To add music?

Animations?

What the intro and hook should be like.

End screens, call to actions, thumbnail designs.

I had to learn adobe premiere pro, I had to learn how to use photoshop.

I had to learn colour theory, typography, filmography, and so much more.

And I am still learning.

Every single day I make a new video, and every day I am not.

But I feel happier now then I have been in forever, knowing that I no longer just watch the road I want to take, but I actual took the first step on that road.

I am finally ready to be on that road.

I have a 5-year plan now.

Something I never thought I would have, and I have dedicated myself a 100 percent to follow this road.

It’s never been so clear before.

The last 3 years was frustrating to me, but I am thankful of that frustration, because it thought me more then I ever thought possible.

The many times I almost quit on my dream out of fear, and worrying that I didn’t have what it took, before I even started, but instead of quitting, I kept moving forward. Even when I was at times taking a step backwards. I always kept my mind on the prize.

This is what I want to do.

Every day.

Create, edit, upload.

Have a beautiful and creative day, and always follow your dreams ❤

MissFaylyn Out…

From a Sedentary Lifestyle to exercising Daily…

Today I want to write about exercise.

A year ago, I hardly moved on a daily basis.

I was lucky if I got 1000 steps in every day.

I live at home so my mom would bring me dinner, while I was in my chair working or playing my computer.

I would only ever get up from my chair if I was going to the bathroom or in the kitchen to get myself coffee.

I had lived liked this for years, and been content living this way, since playing online games had brought me so much joy over the years.

But one day I found myself going to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and I suddenly felt a lot of pain in my ankles.

I sat down and looked at my ankles in horror.

They has swelled to almost double size, and the pain I felt was from my sucks cutting into my skin.

I was scared.

What was causing this amount of swelling?

Was it something serious?

I went to my doctor and he told me that it was because of my very sedentary life.

I knew I had to change something and fast or I would be at the risk of getting diabetes.

I was overweight since I ate more then I burned in energy.

But how did I change?

I was so used to this lifestyle.

I had tried before to do a bit of exercise at home, but it had never stuck.

I didn’t really enjoy exercising.

At that point I still had a lot of fear of going to the gym or getting my heartbeat up.

In my past it used to trigger my past when my heartbeat went up.

I would get flashes of events that I had tried so hard to forget and I would often start hyperventilating, so I knew if I had to start exercising, I would have to start slow, and do it carefully.  

So, I started doing some research.

And while browsing through video after video on you tube, I found him.

The creator that would start my whole journey of getting fit again.

Getfitwithrick his channel was called.

And it was a mix of walking on the spot and a bit of dance moves combined.

I attempted to do one of his videos that was 10 minutes long, and just after 5 minutes I found myself panting for breath.

I was shocked of how little I could do, how quickly I got tired, but that just made me more dedicated to keep trying

So next day I clicked on the same video and did 5 minutes again.

Next day a little bit more

Until one week after I got through the video.

10 minutes before I found myself too exhausted.

I was over the moon.

It had worked.

I was doing something right.

I set myself a goal that day, to increase my step count every month.

And with baby steps I increased my step counter from 2000 a day to 5000 to slowly getting to 7500 and then one day 4 months after I decide to increase this to 10000 steps.

I had bought myself a smartwatch for the first time, and I found a sense of joy and excitement of tracking my steps every day.

Over the next 4 months I found myself happier and more fit. It had greatly improved my body and mental health.

GetfitwithRick:

I watched his videos religiously every day and did one exercise every day.

His videos where simple to follow, but also a lot of fun.

This creator had this positive energy to him that I often found myself smiling and laughing at times, watching his videos.

He managed to make exercising fun, and I don’t think I would have gotten this far in my fitness and health journey if it wasn’t for his videos.

I’m still surprised that I feel this way after so many years of disliking exercising.

Walking on the spot at home to music might seem simple, but it worked.

I found that my fitness level increase month by month.

I could suddenly walk further, do a 40 minute video without panting for my breath.

Today I’m doing his 12-week challenge, where I work on getting some of my muscles stronger.

I even do some of his dumbbell and abs workouts, and I enjoy the feeling of getting stronger every day.

The Gym:

After a few months of walking my daily steps, I wanted to increase my fitness level more.

I wanted to start working my muscles.

I found that after years of not being able to do this, I could now run, but I still couldn’t carry heavy shopping bags, or bend down to touch my feet, and I wanted to be able to do this. I wanted to eventually get fit enough so I was able to do push ups.

I had a friend who went to the gym almost every day.

So, I decided to overcome my fear of exercise, and attempt to start going to the gym myself.

With his help I suddenly found myself one day at the gym and loving every second of it.

I worked my muscles like I had never done before, and I loved the feeling it gave me after.

Next day I woke up with DOMS – Delayed onset muscle soreness.

A term I had never heard of before, until I felt it myself.

My entire body was sore, but not in a bad way, in a way where I knew it was working.

I was getting stronger.

And just a few times in the gym, I felt it too.

I could lift more and do more sets.

Today I’m working myself up to do a fitness challenge soon in the gym.

Called the Baby Groot challenge, and I’m exited by this.

My Mental Health:

When I first started walking at home to get fit with rick, one month later I discovered that my mental health improve greatly.

I felt happier than I had felt in years.

I felt energy rushing through my body like never before.

I never felt exhausted throughout the day like I had been before.

The biggest change I noticed was when I was walking down the street, I no longer had this lazy slouch in my steps, I was walking with confidence and strength.

And my friends would comment on this walk style often.

I felt more confident and stronger.

The feeling when I noticed I was able to run was amazing.

The adrenaline pumping through my body, the wind in my hair, it was intoxicating.

I knew I was starting to get addicted to exercising.

And this surprised me.

I had gone from hating it, to loving it.

I had overcome my fear of exercising.

I no longer found myself hyperventilating, and the flashes from my past never came up.

Instead, I was left with a feeling that I could do anything.  

I have always loved dancing but I would be panting for breath after just one song, months after I started on my step journey I one day went to an EDM festival with a friend, and I found myself that evening on the dance floor for 2 hours straight, dancing like I had never done before, and I never felt tired or out of breath, but enjoyed the feeling of dancing to the beat and having the music vibrate through my body with every step I took.

Today…

I’ve come to realise that exercising is part of my life now.

Doing my daily 10000 steps and doing my workouts and home or at the gym.

Is something I can’t live without anymore.

The impact it had on my mental health and overall health were so great that in ways it made me feel a sense of strength that I never knew I could feel.

The confidence it gave me.

The happiness I feel when I exercise.

The energy It gives me through out a long day.

If I feel a bit tired throughout my day, I do what I call a healthy snack.

I get up and do a workout of 10 minutes and after I feel more energized and happier.

I also do this if I need inspiration.

Inspiration to write my blog or just need to think about something.

I practise mindfulness when I need it by going for a walk, if I feel my thoughts are too invasive.

For me to it all started with curiosity, and a wish for change.

It started with me watching a you tube video, and I will always feel grateful towards the creator of the video.

Getfitwithrick managed to show me that exercising can be fun and easy for everyone to do.

My mom who is 70 years old is now watching the videos with me and exercising next to me in the living room.

And she loves every second of the workouts.

My desire to keep building up my strength is what drives me forward to continue, and the joy I feel throughout my day.

No longer are the days of living a sedentary life.

My advice to you…

If you find yourself living a sedentary life but with a wish to change this.

Find a way to exercise that makes you smile.

Something that makes you enjoy the process.

I learned that changing a habit into a lifestyle, you have to find a joy in doing it, otherwise its hard to keep up.

It has to feel rewarding.

For me it made me happier and feel stronger, and that was reason enough to continue.

There are so many creators on you tube that are very talented, and they all exercise in different ways.

I have a few creators that I like, but my favourite videos are getfitwithricks, because I love his energy and the simple but fun workouts he does.

So, find a workout that works for you.

Try it for a month if you don’t feel its rewarding keep looking.

Write down reasons you want to exercise.

I found that this helped me greatly, it helped me start my journey.

I didn’t want to feel I couldn’t go for walks without feeling excruciating pain in my ankles with every step I took, this was my motivation to start.

What’s yours?

I hope you have a great day and enjoy the start of the new year ❤

MissFaylyn out…

A New Year of Opportunity

Today is a new day

A new year

And with it follows hope, excitement, new experiences, new lessons.

I got a lot of plans for 2023 and I’m certain the year will be great.

This will be the year where I take my dreams to the next level, and put in the work towards them, but it will also be a year where I keep practising the things I learned from last year.

The year of 2022.

This year I will always remember as the year of change.

I changed so much that at times I look into the mirror, and I wonder of the old me is still in there.

I started out 2022 doing the same I had done for years.

I spend almost 99% of my time in my chair, online.

Working on my videos, playing online games.

This had a bigger effect on my health and my well being that I realised.

So, to no surprise I found myself in March hardly being able to walk because of my feet swelling.

I didn’t have any routine.

I slept when I wanted, and mostly I would sleep most of the day and be awake until early morning.

I ate what I wanted when I remembered to eat, and this made me gain a lot of weight, so much so that I often had muscle pains, and felt out of breath.

I was lucky to do 500 steps in a day. The steps required to walk from room to room at home.

I was happy in my chair, until I noticed my feet swelling.

I suddenly felt scared.

Scared that I would one day wake up with something more serious.

So, I knew I had to change.

And not just one thing but everything.

I had to change my routine, my bad habits, my entire lifestyle.

I had absolutely no idea how to do this.

I hardly knew anything about what was considered healthy. I never cared about it.

So, I started doing some reading, and I started out small.

I made myself a schedule in excel. Something that could help me track my sleep pattern.

I started doing some small workouts, and I still remember how exhausted I felt even just 5 minutes into the workout video I was watching.

I went grocery shopping one day and I was shocked that just going to the shop that’s 5 minutes away from my house, I had to take 3 breaks to sit down, catch my breath and try to endure the pain in my swollen ankles

Every month I implemented small changes.

Changes that was healthier, and I felt the difference quick.

I woke up more energized in the morning, having had 8 hours of sleep, I started craving veggies and fruit instead of unhealthy snacks, I was now able to do 5000 steps, and one day I pushed it to 10000 steps, and soon I noticed I could run and bend down, without any pain or having to catch my breath.

I felt more alive, more confident, and happier than I had been in years.

From going to being a hermit, and only spending time alone, at the end of the year I had developed friendships with people from the town I live in, and together we experienced so many new things.

I felt more inspired, and I wrote more posts on my blog.

I practised balance more then anything in 2022.

How to balance my health, and what I need to do in a day, to practise mental health, and selfcare when I feel overwhelmed, so I wouldn’t end up stagnating or burning out to quick.

I learned to say no, say no to things I wanted to do but I didn’t have the energy for.

Something that I had never been able to do before.

This helped my stay balanced.

So, I quick continue to focus on my health and my wellbeing as a priority.

By changing the smaller things, and take one small step at a time, I realised at the end of the year of how much I had changed.

I was suddenly braver and did things I had never been able to do before.

Talk to strangers in the phone, go the gym for the first time and so much more.

I felt different but still the same, I felt stronger, happier than I had felt in years.

So, the year of 2022 was a year of change.

And these changes are something I am going to continue to practise in 2023.

To focus on my health and get down to my normal weight again.

To keep eating healthy and get my 8 hours of sleep at night, so I wake up early morning well rested.

To keep socialising outside of the computer, so I continue to experience new things, and just get out there in the real world outside my 4 walls in my room.

My New Sceduale for the first week of the new year. A sceduale where I focus on work versus health balance, remembering to do my steps and exersicing.

What I want for 2023.

In 2022 I focussed on my wellbeing, and my health.

In 2023 I still want to focus on that, but also building my brand.

It’s the year to learn how to be productive.

To put major focus on my new you tube channel I’m launching soon.

To put more focus into my website and this blog.

Its time to really follow my dreams.

Its time to learn new things and get better at what I can do.

Its going to be a year of potential and following through on my dreams.

A year where I put everything, I’ve learned in 2022 to practise.

I have a lot of dreams. I have a lot of things I want to try and experience, and the time of stagnation is over.

Its time for action.

And I will spend every month writing about this.

What I learn both the good and the bad.

My goals for 2023 is this

  • Get to my normal weight again
  • Meet new people and maintain and grow the friendships I have developed.
  • Launch my new you tube channel
  • Focus more on streaming on a regular basis.
  • Learn new things, one of them photography.
  • Grow the MissFaylyn Brand
  • Continuing to stay balanced, Healthwise, and practise mental health – selfcare on a daily basis.

I have for a long time wanted to take this step, but I was still filled with a lot of fear.

Fear of the unknown and fear of failing.

But I realised something.

The things I do is what makes me happy, and for this reason only I need to keep going.

Even if it is at times scary, it also something that fills me with great joy.

So, the time to stop thinking and just doing is upon me.

To do what makes me smile.

What will 2023 bring you?

And what did you learn in 2022?

Feel free to comment down below.

I hope it will be the greatest year for you.

MissFaylyn Out… ❤

Christmas will never be the same after this

December

A month where magic and miracles happen

A month where you come together with family

Where snow coats the ground in a beautiful white

A time to reflect on the year gone by too quickly.

A time with Christmas songs blaring out loud in the shops

A time where you see Christmas decorations everywhere.

A time where you look forward to spending it with family.

But what if you don’t celebrate Christmas?

What if you don’t have a huge family to celebrate it with?

How can December be a month that you enjoy?

Story time…

Fay was only 10 years old.

She was sitting on the couch, starring at the tv.

Her mother was in the kitchen cooking dinner.

It was Christmas eve, and she knew that all her friends where dancing around the Christmas tree with their big families.

She knew that they would feast together, sing together, and get a lot of presents.

Fay was sad.

She tried to hold back the tears

The Christmas movie she was watching was about Christmas miracles, big families, and Santa Claus granting wishes.

She made a wish

“I want a big family for Christmas, I want to celebrate Christmas like my friends, I want what I see in the tv”

Maybe one day she would get her wish.

Maybe one day she would stop hating Christmas.

Stop feeling this lonely.

Her mother tried to make the day special, and she felt grateful to her mother, but it still wasn’t the same.

She wanted what her friends had, what everyone in Denmark had.

She just wanted to know what it was like to have a normal Christmas.

Fay 19 years old

So, this is how a Christmas feels like….

She had just celebrated a normal Danish Christmas with her boyfriend and his family.

And it had been just as magical as she had expected it to be.

So much love, so much care

It had started out a little hectic, then it had been calm, waiting for dinner, the joyful anticipation of what’s to come.

she had a lovely dinner, so much laughing, so many smiles.

Then they had opened presents together.

So many presents.

It had all been magical, and fay felt whole.

She felt love, she felt the magic of Christmas, and she never wanted to let that feeling go.

She knew she wanted every Christmas to be like this, and maybe this was the first of many to come.

Maybe the time of her feeling alone for Christmas was over.

Surrounded by family was all she ever wanted.

Fay felt hope like she had never felt it before.

Fay 31 years old.

It was Christmas eve, and she was logged into world of warcraft.

An mmorpg game, that she had been playing for years.

Tonight, was like any other night.

There was no Christmas to be celebrated today.

Except from the one single pixel Christmas tree in the game.

She looked at it and felt the sting of loneliness.

There would be no Christmas dinner today

No Christmas gifts

No smiles from family, no hugs.

Just fay sitting here alone, in her room.

While her Friends took time off the game, to celebrate with family.

Some of them would come back later tonight and share stories of time with their family.

What they had to eat, what presents they got, how funny their uncle had acted after having a bit too much eggnog

Fay thought back to the time she had experienced her own Christmas, surrounded by her boyfriend’s family.

A tear formed on fays cheek.

She hated Christmas.

She hated this feeling she felt every Christmas

She hated December

And every December she did her best to sleep as long as she could

Keep her head down when she went shopping so she wouldn’t notice all the Christmas decorations

Covering her ears to not hear the Christmas songs.

She felt the anger rise every time she heard a Christmas song.

It reminded her of her loneliness.

It reminded her that she didn’t have a big family.

And the family she did have didn’t celebrate Christmas.

Not in the way she wanted it.

Christmas sucks

December sucks.

She continued playing world of warcraft and went to bed sad and angry, but also relieved that it was finally over.

Tomorrow was just another normal day, thankfully.

Fay 37 years old

Fay went to bed smiling.

She had spent Christmas day with her mother and her daughter, and nothing special happened, but then again something different did happen tonight.

She had made dinner, shepherd’s pie, and while they were eating dinner, they had all worn Christmas hats.

Our christmas food. Shepards pie, and a duck a bit of salad. Not the greatest feast, but was a lovely dinner, in presense of my 2 favorite people in the world. My mom and my daughter

There had been smiles, laughs, a room full of love, and cosy comfort.

Then they had watched a Christmas movie together.

3 generations of women.

Watching the grinch

A movie fitting for what Fay had felt every December.

While they had watched the movie, fay had realised something.

Something huge.

Christmas

She had been all wrong about this.

Christmas wasn’t about a big family.

It wasn’t about the songs

The decorations

The presents

It was about family, even if it was a small one.

It was about love

Hope for the new year

Being able to reflect on the year that had gone past.

It was about the small joys.

The flickering lit candle in the window still.

The white snow outside the window coating the world beautifully.

It had been a beautiful day…

The best Christmas she had had in years.

And next year it would be better.

Every single year since I can remember, I have always hated December.

I have always felt more alone

More angry

More sad

And all because I wanted something I didn’t have.

A big family.

That I couldn’t change.

But I’ve come to realise, something important.

That I don’t have to hate Christmas

Or December.

Because I can make my own traditions.

I can make my own Christmas celebrations.

I didn’t realise that I already have a Christmas tradition

I have always watched Christmas movies on the day.

And this year I started a tradition up again that I did a few years ago.

I made cookies.

Daim cookies, and this is something I want to continue.

I want to make Christmas my own.

I want to make every holiday my own.

With my own traditions.

So next year I came up with a plan how to celebrate these my way.

Christmas 2023

Make Christmas cookies

Reflect on the year that has gone past.

Celebrate the victories and good times in the year.

Go into town and buy roasted almond nuts.

Watch Christmas movies with mom and daughter.

Light candles around the house.

Knit a scarf.

This isn’t a lot, but it’s a way where I can look forward to Christmas.

Appreciating the season in a way I’ve never done before.

And this brings a smile to my face while I’m typing this.

Next year 2023

Next year I want to go into December looking at the entire month differently.

Im going to look forward to spending this month with my new traditions.

Lighting up the house with candles.

knitting scarf while binging christmas movies.

and most of all remembering the leasson I was taught this season.

Its not about all the fluff and the bling.

Christmas is about the small joys.

The family I do have, the friends in my life.

The love I feel for them

and the love I feel for myself

and I will celebrate this love in my way.

I will do some of the things that is unique to december.

eating roasted almond nuts, making daim cookies, and other baked goods.

I will wear my christmas hat and I will smile.

I took This Picture walking next to the zoo with a friend. The Zoo had decorated for christmas early, with this huge sculpure of a present.

Its been exhausting being a christmas grinch for so many years.

wishing for things I didnt have

Instead I learned to appreciate the things I do have in a new way.

and that is the biggest christmas miracle I could have ever recieved.

and I wouldnt have felt this way, if I hadnt watched the movie the Grinch.

It gave me the gift of appreciation.

and with that hope for a better christmas and a joyful december, every year.

I also learned that its not about celebrating the day of christmas, but celebrating the season.

Celebrating december.

All I know, is that my christmas going forward wont be the same after this experience.

I will forever remember the leasson I got this christmas.

Do you celebrate christmas?

if you find yourself in my shoes, where you never celebrated christmas like everyone else.

make your own traditions.

even if they are about just doing somethings differently.

or something small

something that brings a smile in december.

Update…

Ive been struggeling to find inspiration lately, and took this month to rest my thoughts a little.

But soon I will be posting more regular blog posts.

I might be experimenting about what to write about and how I write it, so stay tuned for this.

Im still in a place of self discovery, and in deep thought of what I want to do in 2023.

But I expect the year of 2023 to be a great year.

I plan to expand and work more on my website, and with blogpost that follow all the changes I go through internally and externally.

So stay tuned, and thank you so much for reading this post.

You are awesome!

I hope you had an amazing year, and a joyful holiday

MissFaylyn out