Featured

The 3 Voices

Today I want to dive deeper into my own head.

To the voices I hear, and I am not talking about hearing voices, but how I talk to myself.

And to do this, I will start with a little story, to best explain it.

You all know by now, that I love my stories.

Lets begin

Faydra had a question and she needed it answered.

The only thing she could do was go into the deep forest, find the 3 wise men, and hope they would help her with the answer she desperately needed.

She was tired of lying awake at night.

Tired of thinking about the same question over and over and over again.

Was she ready for love?

She was standing right where the Forrest started.

Behind her a clear road back to the city.

Ahead of her the forest full of life.

Green leaves

Rays from the sun lighting up the entire forest, almost making it look magical.

Faydra took a step forward.

She felt the ground under her feet, small branches breaking under her shoes.

She started walking at a fast pace, confident that she would soon find the answer she needed.

Birds singing, it was a beautiful day.

Suddenly she heard a child laughing.

It was coming from behind that tree.

She stepped towards it, a first hesitantly, but then realised, could it be?

“Hello, are you the wise one I need?” Faydra asked in a confident voice

“Tihihihi…Heeeeeeey. Its so good to finally meet THE Faydra” The child answered and stepped forward, smiling from head to toe.

Faydra looked down shocked.

She was looking at herself as a child.

How could this be?

“Are you the one I am seeking to help me answer my question?”

“Yes of course I am, what can I help you with, oh Divine goddess of kindness, beauty, and intellect” the child answered

Faydra frowned. What was this?

A bit sceptic that she found the right one to help her, she asked her question.

“Oh wise little one, am I ready for love?”

The child giggled and a stream of words followed.

“Of course, you are, who wouldn’t want to be with such a beauty. Anyone would be lucky to have you. You are sooo amazing, so smart, so kind. You deserve the best, in fact you deserve a king, who can treat you like the goddess you are, and if someone doesn’t treat you well then, its their loss. You have always been ready for love, its just the ones you found weren’t deserving of you”

Faydra blushed, feeling the confident words wash over her.

It was nice, but also felt wrong.

Something was wrong

This was not the voice she was seeking.

The was the voice of confidence.

Nice in the present, but forever fleeting.

Faydra smiled and thanked the child version of herself.

Was she really this naïve as a child? Faydra pondered while walking through the forest again to find the other voice to help her in her quest for the truth.

So deep in thought Faydra didn’t notice the forest changing.

The forest turned darker and gloomier by the second.

The wind picked up, howling in the trees.

The sun no longer high in the sky.

It was night now.

Faydra snapped back into the present by wolfs howling in the distance.

Shivering she looked around in search for the next voice.

“Helllllooooo…. Anyoooone… there?”

Faydra felt fear creeping down her spine, anxiously waiting for an answer.

“WHAT THE F… ARE YOU DOING HERE”

Was that her own voice? So much anger so much hate, it couldn’t be?

“I am looking for ehm…someone to…… help me with my question, are you… the one? I just want to know… if I am… ready for love?”

Faydra wanted to run away so badly but couldn’t move her feet. She felt frozen, frozen in time, frozen in her own body, frozen by fear, and the hate surrounding the air.

She watched with fear when her darker side emerged from the forest. It was like looking into a mirror, but one of those twisted ones, because when she looked into her own eyes, she only saw hate in them.

The dark version of herself spoke

“PFFFF… you? Ready for love?”

“Why do you think you deserve love”

“You are so broken”

“So damaged”

“Who would want to be with you?“

“You disgust me“

“You will never be loved“

“You will end up alone“

“Die alone“

“You deserve nothing but pain and misery for eternity“You deserve nothing but pain and misery for eternity“

Tears rolled down Faydra’s cheeks.

In a stream she couldn’t control

Maybe this voice was right, maybe she was stupid to think that she could ever be ready for love.

Maybe she was too broken

Faydra had no idea how she managed to find the energy but suddenly she found herself running.

Running through the forest, still crying, her insides screaming at her, her heart broken by the answer

She kept running.

Until her breath left her and she fell down.

She curled into a ball and cried her heart out.

So deep into her own misery she hadn’t noticed she was deeper into the forest now, and someone was comforting her.

“There, there, Faydra, it will all be okay” an elderly voice spoke.

Faydra looked up, wiped her tears away and looked right into the eyes of an elderly woman.

A woman who looked a lot like herself.

Where she had only found hate in the last one’s eyes, there were only love here. Unconditional love

“How can it be okay; I will never be ready for love” Faydra surprised at her own words escaping her mouth.

“that’s not true Faydra, and you know this, deep inside, isn’t that true?” The elderly woman said with a smile on her lips, and loving empathetic eyes

“I guess, I wasn’t sure, that’s why I wanted to venture into this forest and find the help I needed. I’ve been having too many thoughts at night, debating heavily if I truly am ready or not. Can you help me?”

“Yes, I can but first I want to ask you a question” the elderly woman said, “Do you love yourself?”

Faydra surprised by this question but attempted to answer the woman as truthfully as she could.

“Yes, I do, I didn’t always, but I do now, I love the person I was, who I am today, every aspect of myself, unconditionally. The reason why I want love in my life again is not to fill a void like I used to need from love, but because I want to share my love with someone else, new experiences, just life in general”

The woman smiled at Faydra.

“There I think you just got your answer”

Faydra in shock said

“But what if I get hurt again, what if I make mistakes again, what if its too early, what if……”

The woman interrupted Faydra and spoke

“I know you are scared; I know you worry, but look at how far you have come, look at the lesson you were taught on the way. You have learned so much, grown so much, but in all that even when you felt heartbroken and sad in the past, you got up. You recovered and found joy again”

“No matter what happens, you will always be okay. Trust in that.”

“Remember you will always have the love for yourself inside.”

And just like that Faydra knew the answer to her question.

What was the point of this story?

You see, it’s the 3 voices I have in my head.

They are all me, my voice but all speaking to me in a different way.

The first voice is the voice of confidence.

The childlike but naïve cheerleader who thinks I can do no wrong and is perfect.

The voice that drives me forward when I need the boost, but is ever fleeting, and at times is too cheerful.

The second voice is the dark side of myself, the voice that used to rule me in my past, the voice of negative talk, the voice of fear, and the voice that is ruled by past bad experiences.

Then there is the last voice.

The voice of self-worth.

A voice of unconditional love, my teacher, my mentor, my best friend.

This is the voice I always turn to for questions in my life.

Questions I need answers too, or anytime I need help sorting out my thoughts.

It took many years to find the voice of self-worth.

So, in my past I only ever listened to the voice of confidence and the voice of self-doubt and hate, and by only having those 2 voices to guide me through my life, it felt like I was sitting in a rollercoaster.

Constantly going up or down.

I either felt good or really bad, and when I felt bad it took me ages to get myself up from that pit of despair.

Today I don’t just listen to the voice of self-worth.

I listen to them all.

Because they still teach me something meaningful.

The darker voice makes me realise my fears and self-doubts to a point where I realise it’s something I still have to work on.

The voice of confidence teaches me to stay grounded. That yes, I am amazing, but I cant be and won’t be every single day.

Sometimes I make mistakes, sometimes I’m human, and that’s fine.

The self-worth voice is my favourite.

Its my reminder to treat myself with care and love, it’s the voice that allows me too just be me.  

When I struggle with big questions in my life.

I pay attention to what these 3 voices inside my head tell me, I listen to the first two, but I only take the advice of the self-worth voice.

How I developed self- worth

I didn’t have this when I was younger.

Self-worth

It took years of growing this.

And it still takes practise and care to maintain this.

I learned that when you go within and hear your own thoughts.

That you have to imagine, a mother or a father.

Someone who loves you deeply.

What would they say to you?

Would they reprimand you?

Would they yell at you?

No

They would give you a hug and tell you it’s okay to feel or think the way you do.

They would give you unconditional love.

I had issues imagining a mother or a father doing this, so I had to turn it around and think at it this way.

What would I say to my own child?

And by saying what I would say to my own child, to myself, helped me grow my self-worth.

It helped me so much that I no longer feel myself either being up or down. I can maintain a healthy balance

So, when life throws me a curveball and I feel insecure or bad about something.

I can get up and go again, with a smile on my lips.

Just like a child would when they scrape a knee and after a loving parent gave them a hug and a few loving words.  

I hope you enjoyed the short story, and that I explained the 3 voices in a way that has meaning.

May your day be great with Sunshine, Laughter and Love ❤

MissFaylyn out

Featured

I’m a Survivor NOT a Victim

In my childhood and early teens, I was a victim of many things.

Things happened to me that was out of my control, things that should never have happened to a child.

Things that made me feel like a victim most of my life.

What happened?

When I was 5 years old, I lived with my gypsy mother, and everything was well, until one fateful day and her brother died.

My mother was devastated and wanted to go home to Serbia to visit her family and attend her brother’s funeral.

She noticed I was very distressed by her grief, and in a loving way wanted to protect me from watching her cry and being grief stricken, so she told a friend of hers, her worries about me, and how I was handling this situation.

Her friend advised her to leave me behind, while she was away, so I wouldn’t see her sorrow.

So, my mom packed her things and left to attend a 40-day funeral. (In gypsy culture a funeral takes that long)  

During that time, while I was living with her friend, I wasn’t happy, I didn’t want to eat and became more and more sad, so her friend called the state to take me off her hands.

They put me in foster care, because in the state’s eyes, I had been abandoned by my own mother and they saw it as child abuse.

They did this to protect me, to make sure I was well cared for. Though without knowing, they put me into a situation that was much worse.

From 5 to 18 I lived with my mom in the weekends and my foster family in the weekdays.

When I lived with my foster family, I experienced mental and sexual abuse.

They where extremely disciplinary, so I always felt even though I tried so hard to be the good quiet girl, that I could never please them enough.

I always did something wrong.

I was constantly scolded for small things.

Forgetting things at school, not being on time, for eating an ice cream wrongly, for not being like the other kids, for not socializing enough, for not going out and spending time with the other kids.

I was told I was behind my age in intelligence.

I was told I wasn’t normal.

I was told if I didn’t live with them, I would live a life time on welfare and be like my mother.

I was told if I didn’t want to live with them that I would be sent far away and would never see my mother again, and so many other threats.

I was never good enough, so naturally I felt that way too.

I learned quickly to hide my emotions behind a false smile, because if I was smiling no one would notice or comment on how I really felt, which was feeling scared and sad all the time.

I learned to be that mask in time and did it so well that I managed to keep what was going on a secret.

This secret became my norm.

I started to believe that I was in a happy family, that I was lucky to live this way.

I started to believe that my foster parents loved me, that it was just normal family love.

I lived with this delusion until I was 18 years old, and in a fight with my boyfriend at the time, The tower that was my life crumbled, and the truth hit me in my face, and shook me to my core. It shook me so much that from that day I developed PTSD.

That’s where I became the Victim.

I left my foster family and learned to just survive.

I felt like Robinson Crusoe, who had been living on a island alone for years to one day be back in society, the normal world and having to learn the most basic things from scratch again.

I felt I was constantly in survival mode, struggling to keep myself above water and be as normal as I could be in this fast-paced society we live in.

To no surprise I cracked in the years to come.

I couldn’t keep up with normal day life, I still had so many scars to heal, and learn the most basic things I should have learned in my childhood.

Everyone saw me as a victim of my past. They where supportive, caring, and loving, but in seeing me as a victim, I learned to see myself as a victim.

I saw my self as weak, and different.

I felt out of place and that I didn’t belong in this world.

For years I struggled to keep afloat and stay sane, to learn to heal, to improve, but this was hard.

I still had so many things I didn’t understand.

I didn’t understand why a normal family like my foster parents could be not normal. I didn’t understand what normal was, and I struggled for many many years with what the idea of what normal was.

When I was 30 years old.

I started to understand and see the world differently.

I started to rebel against the normal in my eyes and learned to embrace my difference.

That’s where I really learned to not be a victim of my past anymore, and I could see it as a strength instead.

I’m not a victim I am a survivor.

When I realised that my past, didn’t make me weak but instead made me incredible mentally strong, I stopped for the first time seeing myself as a victim.

I realised that having to learn to see the world differently, learn about self-worth, being able to open up about what happened to me in my past, but also see the positives it had gotten me throughout the years, made me strong.  

It made me realise that I was a survivor, and realising how long and hard I had fought, also made me realise if I can survive this, and still remain sain, that I can survive anything.

Today I feel eternally grateful for the inner work on myself. How much I have grown from this horrible experience, how much I have achieved.

I am not normal, but I don’t see it as a bad thing anymore

I am not a victim, because this experience made me throughout the years realise what I learned, growing up and as an adult. I learned my inner strength.

I’ve managed to still have an incredible fun and loving life, where I find it natural to smile and see the world in a positive light.

To find the beauty in the simplest things.

A beautiful flower, a sunrise, a hamster running around in a hamster wheel, a smile on stranger’s face.

They didn’t take that away from me.

They never took my lust for life, and my positivity.  

While trying to shape me into what they wanted, I became something different, something more, something much stronger than I could ever imagine I would be.

And I use that strength to experience my life, to learn new things, to dream big, overcome fears, and take a leap of faith into new things.

I still have a lot to learn about the world. I still have to rewire a few parts of my brain that is still affected by my childhood, but when I was 18 and my brain was a crumpled mess, now there are only a few knots to untangle.

Because I have experienced so much mentally in my lifetime.

Gone through PTSD

Depression

Borderline and other personality disorders

Anxiety

A non-existent self-worth

When I feel pain or heartache, I understand myself more, so I can get myself up quicker now.

I’ve dealt with the worst already so nothing can no longer beat me down.

I used to believe that I was broken because of my past, now I see that what is broken, can be mended in time, and get out much tougher than it ever was in the first place.

I look at life around me differently now. When I see pain and misery around me, I know that us humans are strong enough to survive anything thrown at us. That any traumatic experience can in time make us much stronger.

When I hear other people’s stories from their past, I don’t see them as victims of something horrible, I see a survivor, and an incredible strong being for having gone through their experience.

And I feel so inspired that some has turned their past into working and helping people in the same situation today.

I am grateful for the people in my life that never saw me as a victim but kept me above water in my time of need.

My ex-boyfriend who got me out of the worst experience of my life.

 His mother who always encouraged me and gave me a sense of safety.

My father who got me into working in an organisation for sexual abuse victims (Survivors)

My friends who kept reminding me of my inner strength.

And my mother who has been my rock every single day.

My Mentors who helped me dig deeper into myself and discover my hidden skills and strenghts.

If you know anyone who is a victim of something horrible, know that it takes time and years of mending and self-work to get back into “normal”, but once they do, you will see a new sense of strength, that wasn’t there before.

A beautiful being arising from the ashes.

A rose in full bloom.

My past dosnt define me, it helped me grow in strenght, compassion, understanding and love.

I wasnt in control when I grew up, but now I am in full control of how I handle diffucult situations in my life, and I learn and grow from every bad experience that comes my way.

Have an amazing beautiful and strong day, morning evening.

If you have a tower moment in your life, and find everything in ruins, know that with every new block a much stronger tower will be built.

MissFaylyn out ❤

Featured

The Dark Side of Beauty

When I was a teenager I used to love dressing up and wearing makeup and dresses, that all changed when I grew older.

15-year-old Fay looking into the mirror

Green eyes, soft brown hair in braids, a soft curl to the stray hair.

“ERGH, I hate it, I hate how I look”

“I wish I could wear classes and look geekier, then maybe people would stop labelling me as pretty and cute. I could be considered a smart girl instead”

Fay was slim and had gotten curves early.

She knew she was considered beautiful and would often turn heads.

She remembered an incident, where she was walking with her dad in the streets, and a guy in a car with his girlfriend or a lady friend next to him, pulled his head out the window to comment on her ass.

Didn’t he know she was 15 and walking with her dad?

And how did his girlfriend feel about this?

Why couldn’t they just stop looking.

It wasn’t her fault, that she came out the way she did, of how she was born.

It wasn’t just that they would look very inappropriately, they would also sometimes try to steal a kiss, slap her on her ass or come with crude comments about what they would like to do to her.

Even her mom’s friend and to make matters worse her dad’s friend had attempted to kiss her.

Fay haven’t even had a boyfriend yet, not really anyway. She had no interest in playing kissing games or what should be normal her age.  

She liked Fashion at her age and wanted to be able to dress the way she liked to dress, not have to worry about how others would react to what she was wearing or how they treated her.

She remembered another incident, where her mother had bought her a really cool looking outfit.

White trumpet pants with a matching top that showed her belly. She loved that outfit and had worn it one day at the playground with her friends.

She had been 13 years old.

A girl down the street a few years older than her, and her boyfriend and his friends walked by.

Suddenly this girl started shouting that Fay had flirted with her boyfriend.

She hadn’t even looked at the guy, but the girl was convinced that fay in her new outfit had tried to seduce this stranger.

She had ended up being beaten up, and after that experience she didn’t want to wear that outfit again.

She had learned quickly that she had to be careful of how she would dress.

To not wear too much makeup or to not smile at strangers.

It wasn’t just the unwanted attention she got, that was annoying.

She also felt that because she looked innocent and cute, people would assume, she was just this sweet not so bright girl.

She loved learning and reading books, but people always assumed that she was just a pretty girl.

She would happily be considered book smart then have her whole personality defined by her looks.

It wasn’t fair.

19-Year-old Fay looking in the mirror.

“Should I put makeup on? Or just leave the house without?”

Fay and her friends were going out drinking, and she was excited. She couldn’t wait to hang out with her friends. Maybe if she was lucky end up in a conversation about deeper topics, like psychology, or debate the existence of life, and if there were life on other planets.

Fay lived for those conversations. It would spark her imagination, and she would learn so much about how others thought about these things.

But she feared that she would get unwanted attention again.

She just wanted to be free. Free to be herself, truly herself, and not have to deal with flirty boys, who expected more. Who would grab her ass and try to dance really close to her.

She knew she was attractive and with that came power.

She had once done something she was embarrassed about

She had asked the bartender if she could have a free drink if she flashed him. He eagerly said yes, and after it was done, she had gotten a free drink.

It was wrong, so wrong, and she didn’t like that feeling.

Even though she constantly got told by her friends that she should use this to her advantage, that she was lucky to be pretty.

She had even stumbled upon an article once that said that pretty girls would get father in life. Be luckier getting jobs and more opportunities.

It wasn’t fair. It shouldn’t be like that. It wasn’t something that should be important or off value.

What should matter if a person was a good person or not. Their personality, how they interacted with people around them.

“I just want people to see me for who I am, not for how I look. To look past the cute face and see that I’m intelligent, kind, and eager to learn new things” With a sigh, she looked away from the mirror, knowing full well that it was of no use, people saw how she looked as the first impression.

Later they would come to see past how she looked and get to know who she really was, but she knew she had to fight a little harder for that.

It was still hard to shake the label of just being cute, pretty and innocent.

She decided to leave the house without makeup, hoping it would help hide her away a bit. Become a bit more invisible.

29-year-old Fay looking into the mirror

And quickly looked away again.

Feelings of shame and disgust flooded her mind.

After the age of 19 she had come up with this genius idea, so dress less, to never wear makeup, and later it ended with her stopping to care at all about her looks.

She had gained over 60 kilos and was now considered obese.

It had worked for a while.

People around her would stop slapping her in the butt, they would stop shouting inappropriate things, and they would stop seeing her as just pretty.

She had had a chance to develop her personality.

To feel freer and truer to herself.

But she hated how she looked now, she hated how she felt.

She wanted to feel pretty again, just for herself, to wear what she wanted to dress in, to wear makeup again, but she was still too scared to care for herself.

If she got thin again and looked pretty again, then the attention would come back, and she didn’t think she could live with that kind of attention again.

Every time someone had slapped her ass or said inappropriate things to her, she felt an even bigger shame, and rage.

Rage over her past.

Rage that she had been sexually abused by her foster father at the age of 12.

Her lawyer telling her at 18 that she thought he did it because he had in a twisted way fallen in love with her at that age.

Her remembering her mom and dad’s friends who would try to steal a kiss.

She WAS not property that people was allowed to touch whenever they felt like it.

She WAS a human being with feelings and boundaries, with a care for the world and those around her, eager to learn about the world and wanting to live a normal life, but no one seemed to care about that. No one would ever see past her beauty, as a person.

She would rather any day be obese.

At least she was left alone to be herself.

She just wished that she would grow to love how she looked now.

She still felt she was staring into a stranger’s eyes.

The person in the mirror wasn’t her.

37-year-old Fay looking into the mirror.

“Hello there beautiful” She winked at herself.

A lot had happened the last 8 years.

She now longer felt ashamed of how she looked.

She dressed for herself, and only herself.

She had learned to set healthy boundaries for herself and had learned how to handle unwanted attention.

She was still overweight but felt comfortable in her skin now.

She noticed her first grey hair and thought it to be rather charming.

She laughed “I cannot believe I used to be scared of getting grey hair”

She wanted to get back into shape, to take care of how she looked, but mostly for her own health.

She wanted to dress in a style, she liked. At the moment it was gamer clothes.

Black comfortable pants, with gaming related text on her t shirts.

She even started to wear makeup, and wanted to experiment more with a different style of clothing.

She had to learn how to apply makeup, how to dress for the occasion and how to apply skincare.

For years she had neglected how she looked and felt a little embarrassed not knowing the basics at the age of 37, but then again it was never too late to learn.

She remembered the slight embarrassing encounter with the lady in the makeup store when she asked for help with finding a cream for her skin and a bit of foundation that would match her skin tone.

The lady had asked her so many questions about if she wanted night-time or daytime makeup and cream.

Fay had just awkwardly said “For the whole day I think?”  

Then the lady had started trying to explain what she meant, and fay still felt a little lost and picked the 24-hour cream and a foundation.

When she applied the foundation for when she was recording herself for her videos, she had no idea if she did it right.

But practise makes perfect right? She thought.

She knew she had a lot to learn, but she was also eager to learn.

She wished she had learned what she learned over the last few years, when she was a teenager.

So, she wouldn’t have to feel so bad about feeling beautiful for almost her entire life.

That her beauty had been more of a curse then a compliment.

She knew if the wrong attention she had gotten hadn’t happened then she would likely not have felt it to be a curse.

She still occasionally got the kind of attention when she was streaming on twitch but had learned to stop it quickly. Set a firm boundary when it went to far.

Today she was just Fay – or else known as MissFaylyn, not just that pretty cute girl over there.

TODAY

Today I’ve learned a lot about myself.

But I still have a long way to go.

One of the things I want to learn is to feel beautiful not for others but for myself.

I do feel that way today, but I want to get to the point where I can wear a really beautiful dress and makeup one day, where I can feel comfortable in it, and not feel like I’m too exposed.

I still struggle a little with feeling too pretty, from how I grew up thinking when I was young.

To me it really was a curse, something that felt bad, and something I had to hide away, to stop the wrong kind of attention from people around me.

I have learned to set healthy boundaries, and when people tell me I’m pretty, I don’t get angry anymore but can take it as a compliment.

How people dress and how they look is something I don’t really care too much about, as I see it, its for them. If they feel happy and comfortable that’s all that matters.

I see the person I talk to not if they have red hair or brown.

The person behind the exterior is what I see, and what I appreciate.

To me today, how people are as people is true beauty to me.

My past taught me one thing that I appreciate to this day.

And that is my ability to see the person, not how they look, its something that helps me take that extra step to ask questions when I meet a new person.

Learn more about them as people, and not judge how they are by how they look.

I’m still not a fan of the media today.

Commercials, and programs that tell us that we should look beautiful, wear antiwrinkle cream, cover the white hair, get a face lift or surgery.

Make ourselves into something we are not just because society deems us not pretty enough and that the main goal is to be beautiful.

If people do it just for themselves that’s great, but if it’s because they feel less of what society think they should be, that’s not okay

Every one of us is beautiful in my eyes.

We all shine bright, our different personalities and individual uniqueness, and that SHOULD be celebrated. Who we are as people. Our quirky sides, and all the other sides we have.

That’s where the beauty is, and not how we where born, or what our genes gave us.

MissFaylyn out…

Have an amazing night and be the beautiful human being you are! 🙂

Featured

Up the Mountain

Today I’m going to try something new.

Something different.

Here it goes…

My avatar Faydra in my favorite game, world of warcraft, but she is also so much more then just my character.

Faydra had one goal.

To reach the top of the mountain in the far distance, the sun was setting, and she felt she was running out of time, she had to move now and fast.

She was excited and picked up her step and turned it into a sprint.

She reached it almost in no time where the mountain began.

Surprised she had gotten here so fast, and thought to herself, “This won’t be too hard”.

She prepared her steps and climbed the first part, when suddenly, something grabbed her leg and she fell. She looked up at the culprit and noticed it was herself.

Well, another version of her, in another time. She looked confused up and asked

“but don’t you want us to climb that mountain?”

The other Faydra just shrugged and vanished just as quickly into thin air.

Had she just imagined herself or had it really happened?

She got up confused, preparing to make the climb again.

Once again, she took a step, but this time looked back, making sure no one was there to pull her off the mountain.

Nothing was there, relieved she took another step, feeling yet again exited to start the journey ahead of her.

Determined to reach the top.

After the 3rd step, she heard someone distantly calling out to her.

It was him.

He had the most beautiful calming voice. A voice that reached something deep in her core, a feeling of love, and joy, which left her weak in her knees.

Her legs gave out and she stumbled down the mountain, desperately trying to follow the voice.

She walked far away from the mountain, searching where the voice was coming from.

She followed it into the deep dark woods, deeply entranced by this beautful mystical voice. She suddenly saw an image, but faint.

She was close, but not close enough, she had to get closer, to see the image more clearly, but when she thought she was close enough to him, he vanished into a smoke cloud.

She was yet again left alone, standing in the woods. Wolfs howling nearby, and she felt more alone then ever.

She stood there a while, listening to the howling of the wolves, feeling stupid, that she had been tricked by this illusion.

She felt the anger rise.

Cursing herself for being distracted by this beautiful idea of something that wasn’t true.

She turned around, stomping her feet, towards the mountain, even more determined now to climb that damn mountain.

Once again, she stood in front of the mountain, and nothing would keep her away from her path, she promised.

She took a step, then another, and another.

For a long while she was moving up that mountain.

It was rocky and slippery at times, and left her catching her breath several times, but she was also feeling more alive and happier than before she had decided to go on the climb.

Suddenly out of the blue, she got caught in a branch. It had entangled her leg so thoroughly, that the more she tried to shake and pull her leg free the more she was stuck.

She tried breaking the branch off but noticed an image of her friend, deep inside the branch.

Her friend lips moved, but no words came out, though surprisingly she understood every word.

The words was pleading to her, to not climb that mountain and get consumed by the climb.

To stay here on the cliff side half way up the mountain or turn back completely.

She hesitated and was suddenly filled with doubt.

Maybe she was crazy.

Was it the right thing to do to climb this mountain?

Was she loosing herself in her pursuit of a better future, a dream that she had no idea what would bring?

Would she have to sacrifice what she held so dear, or would she be gaining more?

Was it worth it?

She just stood there for what seemed like hours, in a complete standstill.

Thoughts consuming her.

Doubts, fear of the unknown and the what if´s

She had had nothing but trouble so early on in her journey, maybe the voice was right.

Hours passed

days

months

Eventually she felt she was becoming a part of the mountain side.

Still stuck on the branch, doubting herself more the ever.

Until one day, when the sun stood high in the cloudless sky, she realised.

ENOUGH was ENOUGH
NO MORE doubts NO MORE standstill, only Action

She wouldn’t be able to know if she was sacrificing a part of herself, or if the journey ahead of her was her biggest dream or a potential nightmare.

The only way she would be able to find out the truth was if she kept on climbing, until she reached the top.

At least she would be moving and not stuck in a perpetuous standstill

Suddenly the branch released her. Surprised and also relieved she yet again went back to the climb.

To this day, if you look far enough into the distance you can still see a faint image of Faydra climbing that mountain.

Step by step

Sometimes taking breaks to catch her breath, but is no longer ruled by fear doubts, or insecurity

So, what was the point of this story?

Who is Faydra?

And why this style of writing?

Faydra is a part of me.

She is me.

She is my inner strength, inner turmoil, inner doubts, fear, insecurity, she is love, she is friendship, she is my thoughts, my feelings.

When I was younger, I used to write about a fictional character in a fictional style to tell a story.

In this story its things I struggle with in real life right now, my thoughts, my fears, you get the jest of it.

This story today is about the struggle I’ve come across trying to reach my own personal goals, and my own dreams.

Determined to reach them, but also constantly being pulled back by fear doubts and life events.

I’m on the long journey to climb my mountain and determined.

So dear reader, what does this mean to you?

Well maybe its just a few minutes of entertainment or maybe you are in the same situation?

If you are then here is what Ive discovered in my own journey, so far.

When you are determined about something, its not always going to go your way

Sometimes, unexpected events will pull you back.

Sometimes, being pulled back isn’t a bad thing but just makes you more equipped for the journey ahead.

But staying on the journey you set yourself is important

If you have something you want in life, your own mountain, keep climbing.

Yes, you don’t know what will happen when you reach the top, but you won’t know until you try.

Sometimes things in life will hold you back, but if you don’t quit and come back to it, once well rested, you are at least on the climb.

I hope you found my blog post entertaining or that it could help you in your own climb up your own mountain.

The biggest reason I turned my post into one of my little fictional stories is because of something I need to get better at in my own journey, up my mountain and that is storytelling.

Also being indecisive, but that I cant do anything about at 3 a clock in the morning, but atleast I can practise the art of storytelling.

I hope you enjoyed reading this and mostly that you have an amazing morning.

Until next time

Missfaylyn out 🙂

Turning 40 is not the end, its a New Beginning.

Dear 18-year-old me.

I did it.

I actually did it.

I turned 40.

And its not bad, not at all.

That’s what I wish I could tell my younger self.

40 years old was always an age, that I would fear.

I always imagined that one, I wouldn’t live to be 40.

I couldn’t imagine it.

And two that it would be the end of who I was.

I would have changed, and if I didn’t change by then that would mean I was doomed to live my life at a standstill.

Because who changed at the age of 40?

If I hadn’t gotten my dream career, my husband, and kids by then, then that would be it.

It would be too late.

But weirdly enough, I never in my wildest dreams would have realized it for what it really is to turn 40.

For me its not the end

Its not my eternal standstill.

For me its a new beginning.

A new life.

A new direction.

Its the age of hope and where my dreams start.

At the age of 40 I am 7 months pregnant.

I live with my best friend and partner in an apartment that we just got in December, and life is good.

And the change doesn’t stop there.

I can see my future clearly.

More clearly than I have ever seen it.

Its a future where I follow my dreams and aren’t too scared to start.

Ill start my education in a few years maybe, or ill start working independently.

Its a future of endless possibility.

And I can’t wait to see what else is in store for me.

My 20ies was filled with emotional pain, and a lot of healing from my childhood.

It was a time where I had to get to know myself, and fight some of the beliefs that I had gotten wrong.

It changed my view on the world, my world.

My 30ies I spent mostly in solitude In front of my PC.

It was a time for self reflection and rebuilding my self-worth.

Every year I grew stronger and started to dream again.

I learned about my own strength, and that I could be brave.

Brave enough to write and share myself with the world.

Brave enough to record and post my gaming videos.

Brave enough to start believing that I was worth more.

But in my 20ies and 30ies I didn’t do much else then self reflecting and self healing.

So I’m excited that the next 10 years, will change from reflection to action.

Taking action towards what I want to experience in life.

I can’t wait to be a mother again. (I have a daughter already, but I didn’t raise her, my mom did, and her dad did. One day when I feel brave enough ill wrote more about this)

In so many ways it will be a new beginning for me.

A start to do it differently.

Because now I am finally ready.

Turning 40 is not the end, its the beginning.

If you feel like its too late to change something in your life, have hope.

Its never too late.

Have faith.

Even when it feels hard or impossible to believe in.

MissFaylyn Out.

Better Late than Never…

Here goes…

So, its been a long time since I have written anything.

Too long.

And its not because I didn’t have anything to write about.

Its actually been the opposite.

I struggle to write now, because I have no idea about where to start.

I have a million things to get off my chest.

But I just couldn’t write until I was ready to announce the news I am about to write about today.

My life has changed again.

This time its big.

Like life changing big.

Its so big, that everything I’ve worked for, and the dreams I wanted to achieve, I have had to put on hold, for a long time.

It no longer makes sense to work on gaming You tube Videos or even start an education right now.

At least not yet.

So, what is the big news.

Well, here goes.

I’m Pregnant…

My 18 Week scan. Its a boy…

And yes, I’m very thrilled about this.

But a part of me is also a little bit terrified.

I turn 40 years next month, and in 3 months he will be here.

My son.

Yes, I am a bit further along.

In a few days ill be entering my third trimester.

So yes, my life has changed.

I have changed.

I still feel like I have to pinch my arm to make sure I don’t wake up from a really realistic dream.

I still can’t believe how much everything has changed.

For years I’ve wanted this, but I thought I was too old, and that ship had sunk.

I didn’t dare to dream, and even when I decided to try almost 2 years ago, a part of me didn’t really think I could achieve this.

But yet, here I am.

27 weeks and 3 days along.

And my son is actively kicking in there to remind me I am not dreaming.

The unachievable is still a possibility.

Its been a crazy journey these last few years, of amazing things happening in my life, heartbreaks, turn of events, and big surprises.

I feel like I’ve lived more in these last 2 years, than I have lived in the decade before, and every time, I feel my joyful roller coaster of a life has stopped spinning, it starts again.

I have to figure out who I am now, what makes sense for me to chase in the future, what aligns with my life and who I am now, and what doesn’t make the cut.

Ill have to rebrand, if I start You Tube again, and ill have to rethink my website eventually, which I never finished.

For now, all my focus is on my son, and my life as a mother again.

Its a short post today, but I had to just start.

And ill soon return to write about the ups and downs, and everything in between.

I’m sorry its been a while.

I can truly say that I’ve missed this.

But I just couldn’t write until I felt ready.

I didn’t expect it to take months to do so, but better late than never, right? 😊

Ill be back with more posts soon.

I promise ❤

Missfaylyn Out

At a crossroad…

Faydra took a deep breath…

But not enough air would flow through her lungs.

Every time she took a breath, she felt she had taken none.

Her head full of thoughts.

She craved peace of mind, but every time she tried to relax, she failed.

For a year she had been standing at a crossroad.

Staring at the different roads to go.

Yet she could not decide.

So, life happened all around her while she stood there staring.

She had watched the fall leaves, and everything around her lose their colors and die.

She had watched the white snow cover the ground.

Everything freezing in place.

The world around her silent yet her mind would still be shouting at her to pick.

Left or right, or straight ahead...

Left or right or straight ahead…

Left or right or straight ahead…

Yet every time she tried to move, she stumbled on her feet, unsure in her own steps, and ended up every time walking back, to her spot at the crossroad.

Every morning

Every day and night.

Staring.

Frozen in place.

Even when it turned spring and life around her grew and flourished.

Even when it turned summer, and the days where warmer, and everything in full bloom.

She just needed to decide.

Left, right or straight ahead.

Why…,was she so scared of picking the wrong road.

She had made the wrong decision before and learned from it.

Making a wrong choice wasn’t the worst thing in the world.

Standing still was way worse.

She knew this, she had been through this before.

So why did she make this decision to stand still, right now.

Making no choice was still a choice, an active choice, and one made of fear of the unknown.

She didn’t want to be scared anymore.

She wanted to be able to take the hits that life threw her way, with her head held high.

It was time to move.

She had already made her decision a long time ago.

The only reason why she had hesitated, was because she had doubted herself.

Was she able to succeed in this?

Even though the world around her, wanted her to pick an easier road.

A road custom made for her.

Even though she had promised to try, and follow this easy road on her right, she just couldn’t.

Her heart wasn’t in it.

She wanted to go straight ahead.

She wanted to succeed so badly, follow her dreams.

She wouldn’t let anyone tell her what to do anymore.

She wouldn’t allow herself to fall back into fear.

She wouldn’t allow herself to be at a standstill anymore.

Yet here she was filled with so much fear.

But after a year had passed, fear was no longer enough to keep her from moving forward.

It was time.

She picked up her feet and moved straight ahead.

One step at a time.

Slowly

She attempted to walk with confidence, but her body had been used to standing still for so long, that every step she took, exhausted her.

Yet she kept moving forward

On the road that she had finally chosen to be on.

This time she would not falter.

This time she would not let fear rule her.

This time, she knew better.

This time she remembered why being at a standstill sucked more then anything.

Better late then never, right?…

…………………………………………………………………..

I start with a story, and end with my thoughts about this story.

I am Faydra, Faydra is me.

It’s been a hell of a year.

I’ve been through the longest standstill in my life. (At least it feels that way)

Unable to move forward

Unable to decide on where to go next.

Filled with doubts and fear.

I’ve not been able to stop my thoughts.

I tried.

My head and my heart at war, so deep-rooted and wild, that I’ve had unhealthy symptoms of stress.

Feeling like I couldn’t breathe.

Struggling to sleep through the night without waking up from stressful dreams, or struggling to fall asleep, with a mind too full of thoughts.

Everything I had learned the previous year, was a struggle to maintain, and I slowly found myself slipping into my bad habits before.

The before I’ve promised I would never get back to again.

Sitting at home, in front of my PC, shutting myself inside, playing games all day.

Living in isolation, living inside my head.

But every time I tried to do what I did so easily a year before.

Going out, being active, socializing, seeing friends’, family, walking in nature, writing, being creative, and so much more.

It felt too draining to maintain.

My mind a constant battlefield of fear, indecision, and doubts.

After my dads sudden death a year ago, I thought the worst was over, and I just had to heal from that, but then disaster struck at a constant, that I had to deal with, heal from, from all sides of my life.

Now a year after almost, with my dad’s death in august last year, I’m struggling to get back on my feet again.

With everything I’ve worked so hard to achieve the last few years, my dreams my goals.

I almost threw the towel in the ring.

I almost decided to quit.

Accept that I would never achieve my dreams, that it was stupid to even try.

I had to hit rock bottom again to realize what an idiot I’ve been.

I say it with love.

Calling myself an idiot, because in so many ways I was, but I also understand and remember.

I’m not perfect.

I’m human

Sometimes I fall

And sometimes it takes a while before I get back up again.

A lot of bad events and things can happen to me.

But I’ve learned that there is only one thing that can make me stand still for so long, and that is myself.

Its my own head.

Doubts and fear.

And I’ve already learned too many times in my life, that I will not allow fear to rule my life again.

And to avoid this I have to go through some painful moments.

Life is not just pleasure, rainbows and unicorns.

Its also pain, and making the tough choices, its fear and doubts.

And so much more, of both good and bad.

Life is life.

So, I walk on the road again, of my own choosing.

I’ve decided.

And its time to start where I picked off last year.

I’ve chosen the road of creativity.

To create.

That’s my lifelong goal.

Even if I never succeed in it, its what I need, what makes me happy, what gives me purpose.

I couldn’t rest, because I stopped being creative.

I couldn’t stop thinking because I stopped writing, creating videos.

I felt stress affecting my body and mind in a bad way, because I didn’t allow myself to de-stress with the things that makes me happy.

I need to be creative, as much as I need to draw breath.

And I will never give that up again.

My standstill is over, and I’m on my way again.

I’ve made my choice and for the first time in months, I’m smiling.

 With a mind at rest, finally.

And a heart full of love.  

I will write more about this fear and why I worried so much in following the road of creativity, why it stopped me silent for so long.

Why I haven’t been blogging and creating as I used to do a year ago.

Though I still feel like I’ve been an idiot fearing something before I even started, I am also feeling appreciative of the lesson I’ve learned yet again.

Standing still for too long is way worse than anything else.

Fearing the unknown and listening to that voice of doubt making you not act at all, is way worse.

I hope its the last time I have to learn this lesson.

Until the next Blog post, I wish you all the strength to walk towards your own dreams and desire, and wish you never reach a standstill.

If you do, have hope that it will end one day, and the clouds in your mind will clear, and leave only sunlight ❤

Stay Tuned, more will come soon…

Missfaylyn out…

2023 – A year of Love, loss, and Family

A few pictures from 2023. Our christmas tree, a flower in may, and a selfie of me, while im out taking my steps of the new year.

It’s a brand-new day in a new year.

Today it’s the first of January of 2024, and as tradition on this day, I sit down and reflect on the year past.

2023 is a year I will always remember, for many reasons.

Love

The 10th of January last year, I meet the love of my life.

My best friend, and partner.

It started out as a deep meaningful friendship and soon blossomed into something I could never have predicted.

Meeting him, changed my world upside down, and I started to dream about things I could never have imagined myself ever wanting.

I found myself very quickly dreaming big about having kids with him, living one day in a house together, and growing old together.

I knew it was a little fast, but it didn’t feel scary or unnaturally fast. It just felt right.

Like suddenly nothing else made sense but this did.

I guess that’s what it feels like when you meet that guy who just turns your world upside down.

What I realised as well, to my surprise.

I never lost myself, not one bit, like I had in previous relationships.

I found parts of myself that had been hidden away.

I found strength in myself like never before.

I finally found a person who I can be completely myself with, and more, and I never expected I could find this.

Loss

A year isn’t just going to be rainbow and unicorns, eventually the storm of the year hits, and it hit me twice this year.

I lost my dad unexpectantly in august. He died after we had a big fight, and it was never resolved.

Losing him that way, not haven gotten a chance to sort it out, it hurt.

For months I was angry, sad, and felt guilt and shame, but I also learned something I didn’t expect to learn.

Before I lost my dad, I had always been so scared of death.

Of losing my parents.

I always imagined I would completely crack from it.

That I would sink into a depression like never before.

Instead in my sorrow, I didn’t hit the ground.

I started to remember memories that I thought was lost, and I felt closer to my dad than I have ever felt.

I felt him with me every day, and I remembered old, cherished memories every day, that I previously had forgotten.

I realised yes death hurts, but you don’t really lose your loved ones completely.

As long as you hold onto them in your heart.
Cherish the memories.

I got to honour my dad in my own way.

I played a game he always wanted us to play together, in his honour, and when I completed the game, I send a little thought out there “This is for you Dad”.

I also made a vow to myself to live my life in a way that he would feel proud of, taking what he thought me as a little girl to heart.

To always remain curious, and never lose hope when trying to follow my dreams.

I also lost something else this year.

I got pregnant two months after my dad passed, and sadly lost it at 8 weeks pregnant.

It was a tough time, both dealing with the loss of my dad and my unborn baby at the same time, and again I thought this is it, this is where I crack.

I didn’t.

Yes, I cried, and I was angry and having to deal with a rollercoaster of emotions, but these last years has thought me to not think of the bad, but feel grateful for the good, on my darkest days.

And grateful I felt.

I was grateful for having gotten pregnant in the first place, after only 2 months of trying at an age of 38 years old.

I felt grateful for my boyfriend, my friends and family’s support.

I knew deep within my heart, that no matter what happens I will be okay.

I knew that one day again I would get pregnant again and carry it to term.

I remained hopeful.

And having hope is properly the thing I feel most grateful for.

Having hope is what makes me smile at the end of the day.

The months of experiencing loss, didn’t break me, I only felt myself grow in strength and love.

Family.

For years I have only been close to my mom and my daughter.

With most of my family living far away, and some of them being distant, I always wished for a bigger family.

I am really close with my mother and my daughter, and I am so grateful for that, but every Christmas coming I felt a little bit sad.

Wishing for more.

And after my Boyfriend came into my life, I have gotten an extended family.

His family.

Who I love just as much as my own.

I was embraced quickly with love and support, and this year we celebrated Christmas together.

My entire family, and It’s been the best Christmas ever.

My internal December Scrooge never showed its face this year, I just felt love and joy.  

I finally started to understand what Christmas is really about.

Its not the gifts, the food, its all about being together with the people you love in life.

My friends are just as much my family as well.

And I will never forget this lesson.

So, 2023 taught me more then I could have ever imagined it possible.

I didn’t expect the year of 2023 to have brought so much change into my world, but I am eternally grateful it did.

Now I’m thinking of what I want 2024 to look like.

And while writing this I find myself smiling.

I can’t wait to see what this entire new year will bring.

Both ups and downs.

If it gives me just half of what I experienced in 2023 I know it will be a great year.

I’m ready.

What I want to focus on this year is to continue to work on myself.

Get myself mentally ready to get back to school.

I want a degree, and to work with mental health in a few years.

I want to continue to work on my You tube channel, that for months I’ve neglected.

I want to finish my website.

I want to continue to keep my healthy habits, so on this day I am starting my 10000 steps challenge again.

100 days of 10000 steps.

3rd time is the charm.

Most importantly, I want to keep reminding myself, every day, that I can do whatever I set my mind into.

I want to continue to have faith in myself, and to never give up on my dreams, and goals.

Even when at times I am meet with resistance and doubts from the world around me.

If I believe that’s all that matters.

So, note to self.

When 2025 hits, read this post again and reflect.  

Thx for reading ❤

What is your wish for 2024?

And what do you remember the most from 2023?  

What did you learn the previous year?

I hope you have an amazing year.

MissFaylyn out…

When Life Beats You Down…

Dont stop, keep moving forward ❤ One step at a time

It’s the day after I had my miscarriage.

And after an entire day in tears, and having trouble sleeping, I am left feeling a sense of peace.

Something bad happened.

Something I had been scared off.

Dreading…

But now after it happened, I am okay.

I still feel sad, and that will properly follow me for a while.

And I will never forget the experience.

Both having been pregnant and having lost it again.

I am so grateful I got to experience being pregnant again.

Relieved that it was possible in the first place.

And I have faith that I will one day go full term.

But until then I realised, I still have a lot of work to do on myself.

After I lost my dad, I’ve been at a standstill in my life.

2 post ago, I wrote about losing my dad in auguts. I still miss him so much, every day…

Moving backwards rather than forward.

And last night I was once again reminded that life is full of pain, but that’s not the only thing life has to offer.

Pain is just a part of life.

And remembering this lesson I feel a little braver to get back into working on my goals and dreams again.

I remember my many years when I was at a standstill.

How it made me feel, and why I never want to go back to that ever again.

A post I wrote about my life at a standstill and how I got out if it.

Everything that’s hard in life is worth working for.

That’s the biggest lesson I learned this entire year.

Fighting for what YOU want, for what YOU believe in.

To never ever give up on yourself and your dreams.

I have so many dreams still, and the road to get there is long, but I look back at what I have already achieved, and it gives me the hope and drive to keep looking forward.

It’s the worst experiences in my life that taught me so much more about myself, and my own strength than any of the good ones could ever possibly do for me, so I am grateful when something bad happens.

It makes me be able to reflect on things in a clearer way.

It makes me feel stronger for having gone through it.

Imagine there is a goal, and you have to reach it, but to get there you have to go through being slapped, kicked, and punched. In your face, your gut, everywhere.

Would you stop?

Or continue?

In my past I stopped from the first slap life got me.

I got too scared to keep moving forward.

So, for years and years, I just stood still, that goal post just felt father and father away.

The goalpost became Impossible to reach.

So, I stopped trying.

That was the time in my life I regret the most.

I regret it, but I also feel appreciative that I learned from it.

Being at a standstill for me, makes me feel less alive.

Like a robot just going through life.

Where days, nights, months, years just blends into nothing.

Its when I decided to start moving forward again where I became happy again.

Even if life was slapping me and kicking me down from time to time, it was still a better feeling than just standing still.

So, from the many months of having experienced a lot of kicks to my gut, its time to keep moving forward, and to have that goalpost in mind.

I’ve realised more then ever what I really dream of having.

I want to create a family with my sweet boyfriend.

I want to work on my dreams and make it into a career.

I want to go back to school, and learn, to improve the skills I already have, and to get new skills.

I want to one day own my own house.

I want to learn to drive and have my own car.

For years battling my mental health, victimising myself, and being at a standstill, these dreams felt impossible.

It made me give up on the idea entirely, and I almost agreed to retire, when the state asked me.

I still remember the words my doctor spoke years ago.

“Fay” He said, “I don’t think you can ever have a normal job”.

And for years I believed it, I tried to accept it.

Even though that’s the words that I ever heard that hurt me the most.

Something inside of me was resisting it.

And I’ve been fighting so hard for the last couple of years to get to a place where I can start to believe that I am more, that I can be more.

I do understand that to get to a place where I can live the life I want; I have to be okay with what ever life throws at me.

I will have to work harder then most.

I will have to do things I’m scared of.

I will fall down a lot, but then I will have to get back up again and try again.

Its all practise, practise, practise.

Until you succeed.

I do believe now with every fibre of my being that we are all capable of the impossible.

I showed myself that.

Every day I remind myself of how far I’ve come.

So, it’s time to keep moving.

One foot in front of the other.

I’ve learned from last night, that yes, I still need to grieve the bad events in my life, but that’s I shouldn’t stop entirely to grieve for too long.

When I stop resisting the bad things that happens to me in my life and reach a point of acceptance and be okay with feeling the intense emotions that these events trigger in me, but still keep myself moving, that’s the point where I will feel a sense of purpose and joy again sooner than later.

I remember when I was living in what I call my standstill.

I wanted life to be different.

I wanted a world where there was no pain, no bad experiences, no bad emotions.

I wanted a world that wasn’t real, and I was constantly struggling against reality.

I was fighting it every day, and I was constantly in my own head trying to understand why it happened to me.

Constantly thinking

Its not fair.

I’m a victim of life.

Bad things will happen if I do this.

Bad things always happen to me.

Its when I decided to not be a victim anymore and to take the punches I got in life with grace and strength, and still keep moving that I reached the point I am today.

I see it now.

I still see the world as the beautiful place it is.

The fall leaves.

Sun shining through my window.

After one of the worst days of my life.

And I feel so grateful for this reminder.

Yes, life sucks from time to time, but it’s also incredibly beautiful and in every miserable experience there is also a lesson or something of beauty to hold on to.

I learned after my dad died, to cherish the people I have in my life so much more.

It made me remember the good times with my dad, more clearly.

After my miscarriage last night, it made me realise that I feel so grateful still to experience being pregnant.

It was a time of feeling hope and love for a possible future outcome.

It got me closer to my family and my boyfriend.

And the support and affection I got from them during this horrible time.

It made me remember what I am grateful for in my life.

I know that I will have days still where it will still hurt.

Losing my dad and my sweet baby.

And that’s okay.

That’s just life.

I have to keep moving, one foot in front of the other.

One step closer to my many goals in life.

MissFaylyn out…

If you are currently at a standstill in life, remember that pain never lasts, its temporary.

Like when it rains, eventually you will see the rainbow again.

Keep moving and have faith. One step at a time.

May everything you dream off come true one day…

Should we try for a Baby?…

another picture coming soon…

Trigger Warning!

This is my story over the last few months and up to today.

This is why I havent written a blog post in a while.

A lot had happend last time I wrote a post, and today im sharing everything.

Read with care.

I had to write about it.

I write blog posts to help me process my emotions, but also in hope that I can reach out to someone who can relate, and that I can somehow share my story and help that way.

Story time

“Should we try for a baby?“

She asked him.

“I know its early but I’m not getting any younger and I’m scared if we wait then it will be too late.”I know its early but I’m not getting any younger and I’m scared if we wait then it will be too late.

My doctor told me that if we try soon then I’ll still be able to get help trying to conceive if we have issues with it before I reach the 40-year-old mark.”

She was a little scared how his response was going to be, but also hopeful.

She couldn’t believe her luck.

She couldn’t believe that she was thinking about having a baby.

At her age of 38.

Her life had changed so much the last year, that sometimes she felt she was living a dream where anything could happen.

He looked into her eyes and spoke.

“Yes, why not let’s try. I believe we are ready for this or will get ready. We would have many months to prepare for a baby if we are lucky to conceive quickly.”

Her heart was instant flooded with hope and so much joy.

She smiled thinking of the future baby with this amazing guy who had entered her life 6 months ago.

A guy who she felt so much at home with already, and who showed her what love really felt like.

The true kind, the good and healthy kind.

Something that she had never understood and felt in the same way before.

She grabbed his hand and started walking home.

A bright hopeful smile on her lips.

The future was looking good.

They planned to first start after 3 months.

She was eating vitamins every day and was counting down the days.

Soon.

It was time.

She looked at her birth control pack. Only one month left.

………………………………………..

Her dad died in august…

It had happened suddenly and all her hopes and dreams for the future felt like it was on shaking grounds.

She was devastated.

She only had 14 days left of her pills.

Should she wait?

Or continue with the original plan to conceive?

She was scared that maybe her boyfriend had second thoughts.

But he had calmed her down and spoke.

“If you are ready my love, then so am I

We will get through this I promise.

I’m here for you.”

She shallowed down the tears and felt that tiny sliver of hope.

Maybe it was the best time to start soon.

It was the cycle of life; one life ends another one starts.

She only wished she had told her dad that she was thinking of trying for another baby soon before he had passed.

Argh, it wasn’t fair.

She hated that she had lost him that way.

But she was determined to look forward and start a new life for herself and the love of her life.

………………………………………………..

The first month of trying.

She felt so excited but also so nervous.

What if she couldn’t get pregnant.

What if she was too old.

Her mind was spinning out of control, but he calmed her down. Took her hand in his and kissed her cheek so gently.

The love so obviously in his eyes and his touch.

She adored him so much.

Her rock and best friend.

She had reached her fertile window and now it was time to wait.

A week into the window, and she felt so inpatient.

Did she feel different?

She did go to the bathroom a lot more.

She did feel her chest grow in size, and she swore they were a little sore.

She had been googling all night for symptoms of early pregnancy.

She took an early test, but it had showed negative.

She already felt she was going a little crazy.

But she realised how much she really wanted it to happen.

It would be perfect to get pregnant fast.

After everything she had gone through with her dads passing.

The pain, the heartache

She needed the sun to shine a little in her life.

She needed something to put her focus into.

She needed this.

A week later.

Disappointment.

Sadness

She was in bed crying.

Her boyfriend holding her tight and comforting her.

The test had showed negative, and her period had just arrived.

She had felt so sure that she could feel her being pregnant.

She felt it so strongly.

At least that’s what she had thought so.

It was heartbreaking to realise today that’s she hadn’t been.

She couldn’t even trust her body anymore.

She always thought she had a close relationship to her own body.

Maybe she had been pregnant but had lost it early.

She swore that she hadn’t been crazy experiencing those symptoms.

The long list of symptoms that had been a match for early pregnancy.

Could she really have imagined it all?

Somehow conjured symptoms that weren’t really there, just with belief?

Almost 2 Weeks later.

She had gotten through the initial days of feeling sad and disappointed and was ready to try again.

She knew it might be a long road.

This time she would everything better, and track everything better.

But also try not to put to much weight into any symptoms arising.

Try to not get too excited.

Try to stay calm and keep busy.

4 days before her period was due.

She had just gotten up and had decided that’s he couldn’t wait any longer.

She took the early pregnancy test in the bathroom at 8 o clock in the morning.

She felt her heart pounding and expected it to be negative.

And that would be okay.

She had seen a negative test last month; she could go through that again.

It’s a marathon not a sprint she had to remind herself.

It’s a journey and it might take a while before she saw a positive line.

She looked at the digital early detection test.

Starring at it, not blinking.

Just starring.

Waiting…

Then suddenly the results came in.

No

It can’t be

No no no no

Am I seeing this right?

She ran into her room grabbing the test to look at the box.

It was a clear + sign.

She was pregnant.

She wasn’t imaging it.

Right?

Holy f….

She was pregnant.

A squeal of happiness escaped her mouth, and she couldn’t help but jump up and down.

She ran into her mother’s bedroom and woke her up.

Then typed her boyfriend the news.

She was in shock.

Holy

She didn’t expect it to happen this fast.

So much joy and happiness rushed through her.

She took 3 more tests over 4 days, just to confirm the news.

That’s she wasn’t imagining it.

Her first doctors’ appointment.

She had called them to ask now what.

They wanted her to take a test at their office to confirm pregnancy.

And the nurse had told her the news.

You are pregnant congratulations.

You are currently 4 weeks and 5 days according to your last period.

You should go home and celebrate.

She smiled at the news.

She already knew she was pregnant, but it felt so incredible relieving to have it confirmed by a professional.

She was sent up with a follow up appointment when she had reached week 10 of her pregnancy.

6 weeks pregnant and she had told most of her friends and family that she was expecting.

She felt so hopeful and so joyful.

She held a hand gently on her stomach.

Already loving the little life growing inside of her.

She imagined the birth.

Changing diapers.

Watching the baby take his/hers first step.

So many pictures all of them happy

A few days later.

She was crying.

Someone in the family had recently gotten some horrible news.

Cancer with a life expectancy of only 4 – 7 years.

Someone she loved very dearly.

Someone who meant so much to her.

It wasn’t fair.

She had just recently lost her dad.

How could she be happy and joyful now?

She felt despair, pain.

A lonely sadness trying to drown her down.

She had to be strong.

Both for the baby and the people in her family.

But she couldn’t shake the sadness and the shock of the news.

It wasn’t fair.

Not yet

Not now

It was too soon.

The person was a beautiful person who makes the world a better place.

Who cares so much for others.

Someone who’s light shines on everyone.

This person didn’t deserve this, she still had so much to live for.

Her heart bleed for her and everyone who had been diagnosed with such a nasty disease.

She put a hand on her stomach and felt a tinge of fear.

What if something happened to the baby?

What if she would lose this baby too.

She tried to calm herself down, but all she felt was fear.

The world had already taken her dad from her too soon, now she would lose this person, maybe.

She remembered a saying that a disaster rarely comes alone.

She promised herself to remain strong.

She had to be!

For the baby coming.

Trying to think positive thoughts.

She started googling more about the baby’s development in her stomach.

Week 7 soon.

The baby would already have a heartbeat.

She imagined the baby’s heart beating a little faster than her own.

A strong healthy beat.

Little blueberry.

“You got this.” she whispered to her baby…

She was stroking her belly gently.

Feeling the love for her little growing baby.

Week 7 and day 3.

She was sitting on the toilet reading on her baby app about miscarriages.

She couldn’t help but feel a little bit of fear still.

She still felt all the symptoms.

Breast tenderness

Nausea.

The constant trips to the bathroom.

Food Aversion

The constant hunger

Her doctor’s appointment was so long away, and she wanted to badly to know if everything was okay in there.

She knew she had a higher risk of miscarriage.

Because of her age and her being considered obese still.

But she still felt symptoms every day that was good news, right?

She eased her mind and wiped herself.

Shock

No

No

No no no no NO  

It can’t be.

There it was.

A little blood on the paper.

Her mind racing.

Her heart sunk.

Heartbroken in an instant.

She rushed into her room and started googling.

The blood had been pink and very little.

But still blood is blood.

And that couldn’t be good right?

She googled and found loads of posts saying that it could mean nothing.

That it was pretty common to bleed a little during a pregnancy.

Relief washed over her.

She went to bed.

Hoping…

Praying that it was nothing….

She woke up the next day.

She still felt pregnant.

Her chest heavy, and tender

And so much nausea and she was so hungry.

She opened the fridge.

Erk the fridge smells.

She closed it as quickly as she had opened it.

She would have to go to the shop and buy something that wouldn’t make her feel so nauseous.

She went to the bathroom praying that she wouldn’t find any more blood.

She was staring at the paper again.

Fear rising in her chest.

She had really hoped that it would have stopped overnight.

But no there it was.

More blood.  

This time a little bit more, still very little, but a bit more than last night.

The day went on and she tried to focus on something else then the paper she had seen this morning, but by evening she couldn’t handle the fear anymore.

She told her boyfriend.

He said it was properly nothing and that he would be here no matter what.

So supportive, so much love. She felt a little calmer.

She went to bed.

Her mind still racing…

She fell asleep praying for her little baby’s health.  

Trying to imagine it being strong and healthy.

She woke up from a nightmare.

She had dreamt she had miscarriage twin girls.

Telling the news to her family.

Feeling herself cry.

She went to the bathroom praying this nightmare would stop.

She wiped.

And found more blood this time.

It looked like spotting.

She thought…

She wasn’t sure…

She started googling what spotting meant, and how much blood was healthy.

She ended up calling her doctor crying, and explaining to her was she had seen.

The doctor had comfortingly said that it wasn’t anything to worry about. That it could be perfectly healthy as long as she didn’t bleed a lot and had any pain anyway.

She tried to ease her mind a little and calm down.

She could only wait it out and see.

She was 8 weeks soon.

Everything was properly fine.

Though she still felt that crippling fear.

She kept googling for most of the day.

Trying to ease her mind with information and other people’s stories.

It helped a little

The next day.

She woke up, this time she felt a little pain, and she was bleeding more now.

No no no NO

Please

No

Please God, anyone out there, please let my baby be okay.

It’s not fair.

She went for a walk…

Trying to think about something else.

But as she walked the tears kept falling.

She called the doctor again and explained.

She got an appointment for the next day to come in for a check-up.

Now it was time to wait.

Tomorrow she would be 8 weeks.

And baby would be the size of a kidney bean.

Focus on the good.

Focus

Focus.

Try to calm down.

Try to breathe.

She couldn’t.

She called her boyfriend and asked him to come over.

She was supposed to see him tomorrow

He had some work to do today.

She felt a little guilty for asking, but he rushed over.

He was so amazing.

So supportive

So, loving.

She meet him at the train.

She started crying.

He held her hand.

Reassuring her that everything was going to be okay.

Even if it were bad news tomorrow, they could get through this.

She watched Netflix and ate pizza in bed for the rest of the day, with his arms around her.

When it was time to sleep, she had a hard time finding sleep.

Her mind constantly racing.

Tomorrow…

Tomorrow she would know.

Tomorrow this nightmare might stop.

Maybe

She was still clinging on to hope.

Even though she had a sinking feeling of disaster.

She looked at the screen in shock.

The gynaecologist told her the news.

She felt herself slipping away, she was there but also not there.

She felt like a robot.

“Your baby seems to have stopped progressing. It looks like a 4-week foetus, and it should be 8 weeks. I’m so sorry, but all you can do is try again”.

She thanked him.

And walked away from the office with her boyfriend holding her hand.

The tears streaming to the surface again.

So many tears.

In public

How?

 4 weeks?

It didn’t even have a heartbeat.

It never had one.

The worst had happened.

She had miscarried.

The world felt different…

So dark…

like a living nightmare…

“Please let it be a dream, she begged in prayer to a higher power”

Every step she took felt hard.

It wasn’t fair.

This little blueberry of hers.

It had been her little light in a world of misery.

Her little hope

Of something better.

She knew it had been a possibility.

That having a miscarriage was normal.

That it happened.

She had been prepared for it before she had tried to conceive but she had still clung to hope. That it wouldn’t happened to her.

Not after the world having taken her dad away from her too early.

And after having heard about the cancer in her family.

How much more misery could she take?

It wasn’t fair...

So, I lost my baby.

I didn’t know how to write this story.

I am still filled with a lot of emotions.

I’m mostly just really sad.

But I’m also a little calmer now.

I know we can try again.

And that it’s still a journey.

I know that after darkness comes light, and that soon everything in my life will get better.

I have a lot to be grateful for.

Friends, family who are really supportive.

A loving boyfriend.

Despite for life handing me some hard times now, I know that I’m going to be okay.

I feel for everyone who has gone through a miscarriage.

It hurts.

It sucks.

And I wanted to share my story too.

Of the hope I felt

The love.

The fear.

Today sucks, but tomorrow will be okay, and I still have hope that one day, I will hold my baby in my arms.

As my boyfriend said a while ago.

That there are so much in life we can’t control we can only control how we react to what life throws at us.

I will be writing more about life going forward and a lot more about my TTC journey. (TTC stands for trying to conceive)

And about life in general.

If you have gone through a miscarriage, my heart bleeds for you. I knew it was a thing, but I never expected how it really feels going through it.

Writing this still in tears over today.

and ill properly shed tears for days to come and thats okay.

Everything will be okay….

MissFaylyn out…

Sending baby dust to everyone who is trying to conceive… ❤

Too Soon…

Before you read this.

There might be triggers. So, thread carefully…

It happened…

The storm I feared came sooner than I expected.

The storm as expected tore through the foundation I had so carefully built the last year.

Everything that I had so carefully built up for myself, shattered and I am now at square one again.

So, what happened?

My dad died.

And even though my intuition has alerted me for a long time that something was wrong and that one day I would lose him, I didn’t expect it to happen so soon.

Too soon

My biggest surprise was my feelings when it happened.

My relationship with my dad has for years been complicated.

When I was a child and teenager, I adored him.

He was my hero.

But after my grandmother died, he changed, and instead of being there for each other we ended up fighting a lot and slowly becoming estranged.

A few years ago, I got back into contact with him, but his health wasn’t great.

Chain smoking and sitting indoors, not moving, and having poor eating habits.

All of it was his downfall.

I told him that he needed to take better care of himself, but stubborn as he was (I inherited this trait) he refused.

So, a few weeks before he passed, we had a huge fight and left our last words in anger.

But when he died, I felt completely numb.

I expected to be heartbroken, or maybe even angry.

But I felt numb for days

A week

I welcomed any emotion, but they didn’t want to surface.

Even though I felt it in my stomach and my chest, they didn’t want to surface.

Eventually I managed to feel the anger, and sadness that I had lost such a huge part of my family.

My dad.

It’s only been 3 weeks and I still can’t believe it.

He wasn’t that old, only 66 years old.

I always expected, hoped that I would have more time with him.

That we eventually could recover from our fights and disagreements and get back to being close as I remember us being.

I always hoped that would be the case.

All of this has sent me back into my old habits, and lifestyle.

I try to get back up on the horse again, but I just feel tired, and yet I have a hard time finding sleep.

I have written this post for weeks now, but I struggled to find the words, the find the emotions.

I feel them now.

Anger.

Angry, that he died, and we didn’t have enough time.

Angry, that our last talk was in anger.

Angry that he didn’t listen to me years back to stop smoking.

Sadness.

Sadness that my hero died.

Sadness that we can’t catch a movie like we used to together.

Sadness that he won’t be there at my wedding if I ever get married.

Sadness that I can’t tell him that I love him again.

I try to accept it.

To move on from it

To tell myself that it was for the best.

He was in a bad emotional state for years.

He often threatened to take his own life.

He often said he was tied of life.

I know he was lonely.

I know I tried my hardest to be there, and that I shouldn’t beat myself up over it.

I know I did my best and its okay

But I still feel guilt.

Guilt for not being there more.

Guilt for not trying a lot harder.

Guilt for getting angry when he got angry at me a few weeks ago.

Guilt for not feeling more then I do now.

So, what now?

How do I heal from this

How do I move on from this?

Only time will tell.

I’ve learned that I have to take one day at a time.

That it’s okay I fell back into my old habits, ill get back to my good habits soon.

That it’s okay I haven’t been as productive in following my dreams these last few months

That it’s okay I haven’t written a blog post in a while or made a You Tube video in months

That I need to heal

To move slow

But I still feel its not enough.

I wish.

I wish I had handled everything differently.

I wish my dad were still here, and we could play online games together, like I always wanted to do with him.

I wish I didn’t have to lose him yet.

But somewhere in me, I do believe.

I believe he is in a better place now.

I believe he is looking down from heaven (or a place like it) and smiling down at me.

A few days after I lost him, I made myself a promise and I vow to keep it.

I promised myself that I wouldn’t live a life like my dad did.

I have always been very much like my dad.

A dreamer

Always dreaming big but never doing much about them

A gamer

Spending way too much time gaming, to escape into a world that’s different than ours.

Sensitive

Sensitive to everything so much so that it was easier to sit in my room and never go outside of it.

Just like my dad.

In so many ways

I still smoke.

Just like he does – Did.

I still cant believe he is gone

But I promised myself that I would do anything to change my lifestyle.

I wouldn’t just dream big but work a lot harder to try to achieve these dreams.

I need to do a lot more than I have done before.

I had hoped to one day tell my dad after I had accomplished those dreams that I did it.

So, he could feel proud of me.

All I ever wanted was him to feel proud of me.

And I think he was.

(But I’m not sure)

So now I am turning a new leaf.

Once I’ve healed from this

I will do it for my dad.

I will do it for me.

I will do it for my future.

In honour of him

And one day when I get there.

Where I want to be in life

Ill look up at the sky and say.

“This one is for you dad”.

P.S Its been a hard post to write but I had too. I might write more about my dad in the future, but right now its too fresh, and I am having a hard time coming to terms, that this is it.

I think its normal to feel that way when someone you love dies

but how can you really tell?

Thats what I struggled with the most, in trying to find any sense in my thoughts and emotions.

Trying to heal and move in the best way, but maybe there isnt a best way, maybe it just is random, and chaotic, and confusing.

and maybe thats okay.

Ill be back to blogging soon, in the meantime.

Remember to tell the people in your lifes that you love them

That you cherish them before its too late.

The only thing I regret is that I didnt tell my dad a lot more often that he was my hero.

Even still after so many years.

MissFaylyn Out…

Fight… Dad… Please…!

Pictures reworked in Photoshop of Me and my Dad.

Faydra ran.

As fast as her legs could carry her.

It was storming.

The worst storm she had ever been outside in.

But she didn’t care.

Lightning struck a near by tree.

Fire engulfed it and made the ground shake.

This only made her run faster.

She didn’t care.

If she was struck by lightning so, be it.

She had to reach him in time.

She had to make him see reason.

She had to rescue him from himself.

She had to get there in time.

Her thoughts was racing as fast as her steps was.

Tears falling down her cheeks.

Mixing with the rain.

She was close.

Hopefully she got there in time.

She saw his house in the distance and ran even faster.

It looked cold, dark.

Too dark.

She approached the house with a breaking heart.

Clinging to the hope that she wasn’t too late.

Her father.

The man that used to be her hero.

Was in need of help.

He had to be saved from himself, and the darkness within.

She had to help him conquer this evil, and make him feel joy again, feel hope.

But as she approached the house, she saw him.

On the ground

Lying in the dirt.

She was too late.

The demon had already gotten to him before she could.

It was too late.

Faydra fell down in front of the corpse of her father.

the broken-down husk of a man she loved so much.

Unrecognizable.

Faydra wailed into the sky.

A high pitch scream mixing with the thunder in the background.

A scream of despair and deep-rooted anger.

Why?

Why couldn’t he see reason?

Why had he just given up like this?

How could he leave her like this!

Didn’t he know that she still needed her father.

That deep down she was still a little girl needing the hero she used to see him as.

Faydra changed after that.

She became cold.

And a small part of the demon that had once been in her father took root in her heart.

The picture-perfect view she had once had of her father, the Hero died that day.

She buried a piece of herself with her dad.

The storm had passed but was now raging within her instead.

In time Faydra would move on, but the anger would still be there, would always be there.

How could he…

Words are failing me right now, but I have to write.

I have to write about my father.

The father I always looked up to.

The father I learned so much from.

That father I’ve loved every day of my life.

And that same father wasting away into very little right now.

The father who taught me about strength, and fighting for what I believe in, is now in the process of giving up entirely.

And despite my constant help and advice, it falls to deaf ears.

As a little girl he was my rock.

He encouraged me to seek out knowledge, to continuously learn new things, but to also question everything I learned.

As he told me once

“A long time ago people would believe that the earth was flat until it was one day proven it wasn’t, and there for its important to always keep an open mind to what you learn”.

I live by this today, I always keep an open mind, question what I learn, and investigate matters from all possible sides before I believe in something full hearted.

I grew up watching him play games, and that would later inspire me to dive into gaming myself.

He encouraged me to stay curious, and there for sparked my need to be creative.

As I grew up from a child to a teenager, my love for him grew.

I Idolized him.

Even though I only saw him 1 day every fourteen days.

That one day, was a day I always looked forward to.

I was so similar to him in so many ways.

I often joked with people around me that I was just a female version of my dad, and to a point I still am.

I have the same darkness he struggles with.

I have the same anger, at a system that failed us both for years.

But instead of listening to that anger, I did something about it.

I turned my life around and kept fighting for myself, while my dad just stayed angry.

That anger later turned to something else, and here I sit today, watching my dad wither away, and instead of rushing to his aid as I would have done in the past, that I have so many times done.

I am tired.

I realised that there is only so much I can do.

It made me realise that the only reason why I got better, from a life in darkness, was that I willingly wanted to do whatever it took.

I fought like I had never done before, and I never gave up.

I chose to walk another path for myself, I chose to fight.

My dad gave up years ago, and while I want to help him more than anything, there isn’t much I can do.

He has to chose to fight, chose to want to fight.

I won’t go into the details, because right now if I did so, my heart would break.

Again

Instead, I am writing this post, to release some of this anger, and the impending doom I feel inside.

That eventually soon, my nightmare version of my story I wrote in the beginning will one day come true.

Until then I am watching the clouds form for the upcoming storm, and still having the sliver of hope that one day, my dad, my Hero, will see reason, and realise that he still have people in his life to fight for, that there are still some who needs him.

That I still need my dad, like I did as a little girl.

I need him to be my hero again.

P.S: A lot is happening in my life right now, and while I havent struggle this much to be creative, I have to just write.

I have to release some of this emotions and thoughts racing through my mind, and the best way I do this is here.

So one day I can look back, reflect when I need to reread this post again.

I know its a different post that I normally post, but I just had to get it out, in a way that feels right to me.

I will be posting a lot of other posts in the upcoming days.

Like I said a lot is happening in my life right now, and its been hard to process and keep up with it all.

I still need to work on my website and make my first video on you tube, but this summer heat makes it hard for me to sit in my room for too long, so it might be a while, before I get down to it.

Dear Reader, no matter what happens in your life, keep strong, and keep the fight going, never give up, there is always sunshine and rainbows after the storms in your life ❤

MissFaylyn Out…

Its TIME to JUST Jump over that CLIFF…

I’m at a crossroad in my life right now.

I reached the end of the road I was following so intently.

I knew where I was going, I knew what I wanted.

Even though it was a simple dream, a simple direction, it felt right.

And following this road, that direction led me to where I am at now.

At a crossroad.

So, now I find myself in a room, with multiple different doors to open, and contemplating which door I should choose first.

My world is changing, my dreams, my desires.

My motivation has shifted.

Every day I wake up I ask myself this question.

“What do I want?”

Followed by

“Why do I want this?”

And everyday I come up with a million answers.

I’ve never been in a place where I want it all and I want it now.

So how do I choose?

Which direction do I go for?

Which door do I open first?

And most importantly do I have the patience to only open one door, and give it 100 % of my focus?

Or can I open a few, and give it equal amount of attention?

Can I really have it all?

Love?

Career?

A family?

My own independence?

Friends?

And still maintain and work on my hobbies?

Right now, everything in my life is moving, but I am also finding myself at a standstill.

Can I allow myself to stagnate a bit longer, or will the desperation I feel to do something overtake me?

And where does this desperation to act come from? What does it mean?

Why am I in such a hurry to go in every direction?

Why can’t I wait a little bit longer?

If I have to be completely honest with myself

Even though at times seeing the naked truth staring at you, isn’t always easy, its necessary!

Why am I in such a hurry to act?

Because being in stagnation for a decade, has made me incredible impatient.

I’ve felt so desperate for years on end to move on with my life.

To feel the sun shining again.

To run free in the wind with my hair out

To feel free

To be myself

And allow myself to be selfish.

I think my biggest problem right now isn’t that things are going fast in my life.

Its not that I can’t choose, and that I want it all.

I think its me feeling scared that people around me won’t approve.

That I skip over what is logical and instead move straight into desire without too much thought.

Its like feeling like a sudden urge to just jump off a cliff and dive into the ocean, because going for a swim is all you can think about.

Without worrying about if the cliff is too high, or if there is enough water down below.

I feel the urge to just live.

To make mistakes

To feel everything again, and deeply.

The world has changed so much for me.

I’ve changed so much.

And everything that gave me joy a year ago is no longer enough.

Its like when you see movies in black and white your whole life and then one day suddenly see your first movie in colour.

Going back to black and white is NOT an option anymore.

I just want to jump and see where life takes me.

I have found love in a way that defeats rational sense.

I have found meaningful friendships, connections that I have always so desperately longed for.

I have found meaning and value in myself, in a way I have never felt before.

I have a deep desire to change the world around me to something better.

To share my years of contemplating.

To share my mental health journey.

Going back to sitting in this chair I am sitting in, and just playing games for entertainment isn’t enough anymore.

I want so many things.

I want a family of my own.

I want a career in mental health.

I want to give to others what I got myself all these years.

What I learned myself.

I want to unleash my creativity in a way where fear and self-doubt no longer is stopping me from just creating.

I no longer want to feel I have to get everything approved by others.

And yet I still feel I need someone to tell me if I am being too irrational, if I move to fast based from what my heart wants and not being capable of listening to what my own logic says.

Then again, I often question my own head.

My own head is often ruled by fear, doubt.

Thinking thoughts like

“What if I make the wrong choice?”

“What if I move to fast?”

“What if I make a choice where people in my life disapprove?”

Instead of these thoughts I want to be thinking instead.

“What if I make the right choice?”

What If I don’t do this and it will create unrest, unhappiness?”

“What if the reason I don’t move is fear based”.

“What if it’s a really good idea”.

What I’ve been teaching myself for a year now, is small steps.

And small steps is what I will choose to do.

Instead of picking one road, one door, I will for the first time ever just go with what my heart tells me without fear. 

I will jump over that cliff and see where the wave takes me when I hit the ocean.

I won’t drown.

I won’t allow myself to drown, because I know that the shore is close by, and I can always swim to safety.

I know ill have my head above water, but I need to just let the current take me to new shores in my life.

I am no longer fit to live the life I lived a year ago.

It’s no longer enough.

So, it’s time to implement the strength that my gaming avatar Faydra always provided me.

To just do and not think too much.

To act without fear.

To be a little reckless.

Id rather spent my entire life picking the wrong doors in life, make mistakes, fail then being ruled by inaction. To be at a standstill with no action taken.

And by that fact alone I have already jumped off that cliff and is already submitting myself to the ocean waves of life.

With that said, everything I am going to do going forward is going to be coming from my heart.

It’s going to be experimental.

It’s going to be a little reckless without too much thought.

At times ill be in way over my head, and having started to much, but I can handle it.

I know I can find my way in the direction that feels right for me.

Because id rather try everything then try nothing at all.

Especially because I lived a life with so much inaction for years.

I am tired of running away from myself in order to please.

Tired of trying to do what I think people think I should do, the perfect way to do things.

How can I ever live and shine bright for myself if I constantly try to fit into boxes.

How can I ever stand out if I don’t allow myself to stand out.

So, first action I am going to take, out of a million brave acts, is to start my New You Tube channel.

It is NOT going to be perfect.

Its not going to be too planned.

Its going to be for me.

Its going to be experimental.

And I have no idea if I will continue to post videos on it.

But I need to find out.

I need to find out how it feels.

Today I am just doing.

Today I choose my heart over my head.

Today I create chaotically and letting go off perfection.

I let my heart guide me to a new life, and accept that I can’t control anything beyond how I feel.

I embrace the Name I gave myself and choose to live by it truly in thought and spirit.

Missfaylyn = MissFailing

Update:

There will be changes, and a lot of radical changes to my website, when I have the time for it.

Consistency I cant do right now, since I am making the choice of opening a lot of doors in my life right now.

I will keep focussing on what gives my life value and meaning.

My boyfriend and being in the honeymoon stage is one.

My work for the groups I manage at this time.

My voluntary work I do for the state right now.

and towards my internship I am starting soon, and maybe even the education thats awaiting me next year.

Im also in the process of moving house soon, when I get the right offer, and its summer so its time to travel, have fun, and experiment in real life as I call it ❤

So my work on my blog, website and My vlog channel on YT will be when I find any spare time.

Its an exciting time and its time to fully live and enjoy every stage of it.

So you will hear from me soon, and in different ways that ive been heard before.

Have an amazingly beautiful summer day, and live continously from your heart.

Until next time

Missfaylyn out…

I cant believe im doing this…

But here I go

I finally think I understand what my life mission is…

What my purpose is.

What I want to spend the next many years fighting for

And honestly, I am all over the place making this important life decision.

I feel a lot right now.

Mostly I feel excited.

Ecstatic

and I can’t wait to start on this new journey.

But I also feel a tinge of fear.

I feel the well-known perfectionism creeping into my thoughts.

I need to do this right.

I need to start this right.

And what if I start and I dont do well.

What if I willingly crack open my chest and bare my heart wide open to the public and its not well received.

What If I say something stupid or do a poor job editing.

Before I keep freaking out in text, I should probably talk about what this huge decision is going to be about.

Well…

I am actually a little nervous writing this down…

I am taking my blog to You Tube.

What does that mean?

Well, it means I want to make videos about the same subjects I’ve been writing for years about on here.

I want to talk about my past.

I want to talk about mental health.

And how I live and love as a sensitive emotional woman.

I want to talk about my time in the welfare system, what I learned, and that I feel closer than ever to getting out of it, towards true independence and my dreams.

Why do I want to talk about this?

Let’s first dive into why I started this blog.

And ill tell you that wasn’t a decision I took lightly.

In fact, it took me several years to get the courage to start it.

I needed a creative outlet, and a free space to share my thoughts and feelings about my life.

When I was 18 years old, I decided that I had to keep talking about my past, my feelings, and my thoughts.

I had to share.

I had to stop the silence I had lived through in my teens.

You see the silence about the sexual abuse I had lived with in my teens, was tearing me apart, and the only way to heal that scar, was to openly talk about it.

(I write more about my past in my post – Im a survivor not a victim)

Picture from my im a survivor not a victim blog post. In this blog post I dive deeper into my past.

I have always been writing down my feelings and thoughts.

Because on paper I can be completely honest with myself.

When I read what I have written down, I often get these moments of clarity, and it makes me feel lighter, better, filled with more hope, and motivation to keep moving forward, even when it was hard.

So, I started the blog to help me heal.

I wrote down my blog post so I could eventually visit them again, and relearn, revaluate a thought or emotion that I had at the time I wrote my post.

I reread them to remind myself to stay on the path of self-healing, and selfcare.

I never imagined that I would get followers, or even that you, wonderful people would like my posts.

Every time I got a comment about my strength or that I wrote an inspiring read, I was filled with joy.

It gave me the necessary strength to continue, and to keep fighting for a better life for myself.

And now that I feel like I’m in a really good place in my life, I want to spend the next many years of helping others in my old shoes.

I want to share my journey, my ups and downs, in hope that someone who needs it will feel the same hope I got when I read posts from others having mental health issues.

I want to share that even if you have been a victim of your past, that you can reach a point, eventually where you don’t feel like a victim anymore.

But instead feel like a survivor.

That with every breakdown, and beat down in your life, that you will come out much stronger, and feel the light of tomorrow even stronger than the day before.

I am ready.

I am ready to share.

To open up

To start writing my book about my past

To make videos in hope that I can help inspire a little.

Tell my journey towards the life I feel so grateful of having today.

When I only just 10 years ago, felt no hope, no future for myself but early retirement.

I never ever in a million years would have thought I could get to a place where fear doesn’t rule my life anymore.

Where I every day wake up inspired and motivated with a smile on my face.

And with me sharing my life, I hope I can inspire that same hope in someone else out there.

Someone who needs that hope.

That change is possible even when nothing has changed for years.

Even when you live the darkest of your days, and you think that it will never change, that you are stuck in perpetual midnight and you don’t remember how dawn looks like, how it feels like.

There is always hope.

I used to think I was so broken.

That nothing could repair the damage on my soul, mind, and heart.

But it’s funny how time works.

It really does heal every wound.

On my journey I meet so many people who inspired me, motivated me, and kept me clinging to hope.

They taught me that its okay taking small steps.

It’s okay to take breaks, and its okay to sometimes move a step backwards, but to never give up.

I am forever grateful for those people, and its what they gave me I want to give to others.

So yes, I am setting myself on a new journey in life.

And yes, it might be scary to start with

It might fail.

But its okay.

I am MissFaylyn (Miss failing)

Failing is my speciality. Its where I shine, because failure doesn’t make me quit, it only motivates me to work harder, to get back up on that horse, and learn to ride a bit better.

So, I am doing it.

Soon

I’ll still be blogging, and perhaps even more the I have in the past.

But I will have to start working on my website a bit more.

Right now, it’s still a mess.

Thing is I have to learn how to make a website, and that will take time.

But hopefully in the next few months I have my website updated, and a channel with my first videos on it, and when I do, I will write about it here.

I would like to thank you all for reading my post and continuously following me.

You created a safe space where I feel safe enough to share my life, and for this…

You are my hero.

Your comments and your likes showed me that what I was writing down, even when I was frantically Scribbling down my unedited thoughts down, that they had meaning, value.

It gave me the faith and confidence in myself to continue this.

So, from the bottom of my heart thank you ❤

You are awesome.

Keep shining and living your life to the fullest. Keep smiling and never lose hope.

If its midnight for you, one day soon it will be dawn, and the sun will shine on you again.

MissFaylyn out… ❤