Faydra took a deep breath…
But not enough air would flow through her lungs.
Every time she took a breath, she felt she had taken none.
Her head full of thoughts.
She craved peace of mind, but every time she tried to relax, she failed.
For a year she had been standing at a crossroad.
Staring at the different roads to go.
Yet she could not decide.
So, life happened all around her while she stood there staring.
She had watched the fall leaves, and everything around her lose their colors and die.
She had watched the white snow cover the ground.
Everything freezing in place.
The world around her silent yet her mind would still be shouting at her to pick.
Left or right, or straight ahead...
Left or right or straight ahead…
Left or right or straight ahead…
Yet every time she tried to move, she stumbled on her feet, unsure in her own steps, and ended up every time walking back, to her spot at the crossroad.
Every morning
Every day and night.
Staring.
Frozen in place.
Even when it turned spring and life around her grew and flourished.
Even when it turned summer, and the days where warmer, and everything in full bloom.
She just needed to decide.
Left, right or straight ahead.
Why…,was she so scared of picking the wrong road.
She had made the wrong decision before and learned from it.
Making a wrong choice wasn’t the worst thing in the world.
Standing still was way worse.
She knew this, she had been through this before.
So why did she make this decision to stand still, right now.
Making no choice was still a choice, an active choice, and one made of fear of the unknown.
She didn’t want to be scared anymore.
She wanted to be able to take the hits that life threw her way, with her head held high.
It was time to move.
She had already made her decision a long time ago.
The only reason why she had hesitated, was because she had doubted herself.
Was she able to succeed in this?
Even though the world around her, wanted her to pick an easier road.
A road custom made for her.
Even though she had promised to try, and follow this easy road on her right, she just couldn’t.
Her heart wasn’t in it.
She wanted to go straight ahead.
She wanted to succeed so badly, follow her dreams.
She wouldn’t let anyone tell her what to do anymore.
She wouldn’t allow herself to fall back into fear.
She wouldn’t allow herself to be at a standstill anymore.
Yet here she was filled with so much fear.
But after a year had passed, fear was no longer enough to keep her from moving forward.
It was time.
She picked up her feet and moved straight ahead.
One step at a time.
Slowly
She attempted to walk with confidence, but her body had been used to standing still for so long, that every step she took, exhausted her.
Yet she kept moving forward
On the road that she had finally chosen to be on.
This time she would not falter.
This time she would not let fear rule her.
This time, she knew better.
This time she remembered why being at a standstill sucked more then anything.
Better late then never, right?…
…………………………………………………………………..
I start with a story, and end with my thoughts about this story.
I am Faydra, Faydra is me.
It’s been a hell of a year.
I’ve been through the longest standstill in my life. (At least it feels that way)
Unable to move forward
Unable to decide on where to go next.
Filled with doubts and fear.
I’ve not been able to stop my thoughts.
I tried.
My head and my heart at war, so deep-rooted and wild, that I’ve had unhealthy symptoms of stress.
Feeling like I couldn’t breathe.
Struggling to sleep through the night without waking up from stressful dreams, or struggling to fall asleep, with a mind too full of thoughts.
Everything I had learned the previous year, was a struggle to maintain, and I slowly found myself slipping into my bad habits before.
The before I’ve promised I would never get back to again.
Sitting at home, in front of my PC, shutting myself inside, playing games all day.
Living in isolation, living inside my head.
But every time I tried to do what I did so easily a year before.
Going out, being active, socializing, seeing friends’, family, walking in nature, writing, being creative, and so much more.
It felt too draining to maintain.
My mind a constant battlefield of fear, indecision, and doubts.
After my dads sudden death a year ago, I thought the worst was over, and I just had to heal from that, but then disaster struck at a constant, that I had to deal with, heal from, from all sides of my life.
Now a year after almost, with my dad’s death in august last year, I’m struggling to get back on my feet again.
With everything I’ve worked so hard to achieve the last few years, my dreams my goals.
I almost threw the towel in the ring.
I almost decided to quit.
Accept that I would never achieve my dreams, that it was stupid to even try.
I had to hit rock bottom again to realize what an idiot I’ve been.
I say it with love.
Calling myself an idiot, because in so many ways I was, but I also understand and remember.
I’m not perfect.
I’m human
Sometimes I fall
And sometimes it takes a while before I get back up again.
A lot of bad events and things can happen to me.
But I’ve learned that there is only one thing that can make me stand still for so long, and that is myself.
Its my own head.
Doubts and fear.
And I’ve already learned too many times in my life, that I will not allow fear to rule my life again.
And to avoid this I have to go through some painful moments.
Life is not just pleasure, rainbows and unicorns.
Its also pain, and making the tough choices, its fear and doubts.
And so much more, of both good and bad.
Life is life.
So, I walk on the road again, of my own choosing.
I’ve decided.
And its time to start where I picked off last year.
I’ve chosen the road of creativity.
To create.
That’s my lifelong goal.
Even if I never succeed in it, its what I need, what makes me happy, what gives me purpose.
I couldn’t rest, because I stopped being creative.
I couldn’t stop thinking because I stopped writing, creating videos.
I felt stress affecting my body and mind in a bad way, because I didn’t allow myself to de-stress with the things that makes me happy.
I need to be creative, as much as I need to draw breath.
And I will never give that up again.
My standstill is over, and I’m on my way again.
I’ve made my choice and for the first time in months, I’m smiling.
With a mind at rest, finally.
And a heart full of love.
I will write more about this fear and why I worried so much in following the road of creativity, why it stopped me silent for so long.
Why I haven’t been blogging and creating as I used to do a year ago.
Though I still feel like I’ve been an idiot fearing something before I even started, I am also feeling appreciative of the lesson I’ve learned yet again.
Standing still for too long is way worse than anything else.
Fearing the unknown and listening to that voice of doubt making you not act at all, is way worse.
I hope its the last time I have to learn this lesson.
Until the next Blog post, I wish you all the strength to walk towards your own dreams and desire, and wish you never reach a standstill.
If you do, have hope that it will end one day, and the clouds in your mind will clear, and leave only sunlight ❤
Stay Tuned, more will come soon…
Missfaylyn out…
Missfaylyn 