When Life Beats You Down…

It’s the day after I had my miscarriage.

And after an entire day in tears, and having trouble sleeping, I am left feeling a sense of peace.

Something bad happened.

Something I had been scared off.

Dreading…

But now after it happened, I am okay.

I still feel sad, and that will properly follow me for a while.

And I will never forget the experience.

Both having been pregnant and having lost it again.

I am so grateful I got to experience being pregnant again.

Relieved that it was possible in the first place.

And I have faith that I will one day go full term.

But until then I realised, I still have a lot of work to do on myself.

After I lost my dad, I’ve been at a standstill in my life.

Moving backwards rather than forward.

And last night I was once again reminded that life is full of pain, but that’s not the only thing life has to offer.

Pain is just a part of life.

And remembering this lesson I feel a little braver to get back into working on my goals and dreams again.

I remember my many years when I was at a standstill.

How it made me feel, and why I never want to go back to that ever again.

Everything that’s hard in life is worth working for.

That’s the biggest lesson I learned this entire year.

Fighting for what YOU want, for what YOU believe in.

To never ever give up on yourself and your dreams.

I have so many dreams still, and the road to get there is long, but I look back at what I have already achieved, and it gives me the hope and drive to keep looking forward.

It’s the worst experiences in my life that taught me so much more about myself, and my own strength than any of the good ones could ever possibly do for me, so I am grateful when something bad happens.

It makes me be able to reflect on things in a clearer way.

It makes me feel stronger for having gone through it.

Imagine there is a goal, and you have to reach it, but to get there you have to go through being slapped, kicked, and punched. In your face, your gut, everywhere.

Would you stop?

Or continue?

In my past I stopped from the first slap life got me.

I got too scared to keep moving forward.

So, for years and years, I just stood still, that goal post just felt father and father away.

The goalpost became Impossible to reach.

So, I stopped trying.

That was the time in my life I regret the most.

I regret it, but I also feel appreciative that I learned from it.

Being at a standstill for me, makes me feel less alive.

Like a robot just going through life.

Where days, nights, months, years just blends into nothing.

Its when I decided to start moving forward again where I became happy again.

Even if life was slapping me and kicking me down from time to time, it was still a better feeling than just standing still.

So, from the many months of having experienced a lot of kicks to my gut, its time to keep moving forward, and to have that goalpost in mind.

I’ve realised more then ever what I really dream of having.

I want to create a family with my sweet boyfriend.

I want to work on my dreams and make it into a career.

I want to go back to school, and learn, to improve the skills I already have, and to get new skills.

I want to one day own my own house.

I want to learn to drive and have my own car.

For years battling my mental health, victimising myself, and being at a standstill, these dreams felt impossible.

It made me give up on the idea entirely, and I almost agreed to retire, when the state asked me.

I still remember the words my doctor spoke years ago.

“Fay” He said, “I don’t think you can ever have a normal job”.

And for years I believed it, I tried to accept it.

Even though that’s the words that I ever heard that hurt me the most.

Something inside of me was resisting it.

And I’ve been fighting so hard for the last couple of years to get to a place where I can start to believe that I am more, that I can be more.

I do understand that to get to a place where I can live the life I want; I have to be okay with what ever life throws at me.

I will have to work harder then most.

I will have to do things I’m scared of.

I will fall down a lot, but then I will have to get back up again and try again.

Its all practise, practise, practise.

Until you succeed.

I do believe now with every fibre of my being that we are all capable of the impossible.

I showed myself that.

Every day I remind myself of how far I’ve come.

So, it’s time to keep moving.

One foot in front of the other.

I’ve learned from last night, that yes, I still need to grieve the bad events in my life, but that’s I shouldn’t stop entirely to grieve for too long.

When I stop resisting the bad things that happens to me in my life and reach a point of acceptance and be okay with feeling the intense emotions that these events trigger in me, but still keep myself moving, that’s the point where I will feel a sense of purpose and joy again sooner than later.

I remember when I was living in what I call my standstill.

I wanted life to be different.

I wanted a world where there was no pain, no bad experiences, no bad emotions.

I wanted a world that wasn’t real, and I was constantly struggling against reality.

I was fighting it every day, and I was constantly in my own head trying to understand why it happened to me.

Constantly thinking

Its not fair.

I’m a victim of life.

Bad things will happen if I do this.

Bad things always happen to me.

Its when I decided to not be a victim anymore and to take the punches I got in life with grace and strength, and still keep moving that I reached the point I am today.

I see it now.

I still see the world as the beautiful place it is.

The fall leaves.

Sun shining through my window.

After one of the worst days of my life.

And I feel so grateful for this reminder.

Yes, life sucks from time to time, but it’s also incredibly beautiful and in every miserable experience there is also a lesson or something of beauty to hold on to.

I learned after my dad died, to cherish the people I have in my life so much more.

It made me remember the good times with my dad, more clearly.

After my miscarriage last night, it made me realise that I feel so grateful still to experience being pregnant.

It was a time of feeling hope and love for a possible future outcome.

It got me closer to my family and my boyfriend.

And the support and affection I got from them during this horrible time.

It made me remember what I am grateful for in my life.

I know that I will have days still where it will still hurt.

Losing my dad and my sweet baby.

And that’s okay.

That’s just life.

I have to keep moving, one foot in front of the other.

One step closer to my many goals in life.

MissFaylyn out…

If you are currently at a standstill in life, remember that pain never lasts, its temporary.

Like when it rains, eventually you will see the rainbow again.

Keep moving and have faith. One step at a time.

May everything you dream off come true one day…