Overcoming My Fear of Exercise

My friend texted me

“You want to join me in the gym today”

At first, I felt excitement.

I had just joined the gym, but never actually been there yet.

But then I started feeling a sense of dread.

“What if I start hyperventilating again?” I thought

My experience in the past when I used to exercise was filled with bad memories.

Memories of a time with PTSD and hyperventilating at any physical activities.

Then years followed with inactivity.

I used to love running, but even that I stopped, and got used to a sedentary life.

A life sitting in a chair.

The last few months Id been starting to do more.

I started to walk for longer periods of time.

10000 steps every day, which I had been religiously following the last 3 months.

And I felt myself getting stronger, and with that a feeling of pride.

Pride that I am getting stronger and healthier.

At times I would do a small workout at home, following a random You Tube video, but I felt a need to do more.

I started to remember my love for exercise.

The love I had left in my past, and never in my wildest dreams thought I could do again, with a positive experience.

My curiosity won over my fear in the end, and at the start of the month I had bought myself a gym membership.

And every day since then I attempted to build up the courage I needed to actually go down and exercise.

But I kept postponing.

I was worried, I felt anxious.

I had no idea how it would be like.

What if I started hyperventilating again?

What If I got a panic attack?

What if I broke the machines?

What if

What If

The brain is a funny thing sometimes.

When I got that message from my friend, I knew it was time to do just do and don’t think.

So, I wrote him back that I could be ready to meet him within an hour.

I quickly showered and took the train downtown.

And soon I found myself standing outside the gym.

I felt myself shaking a little and being a bit nervous.

But the presence of my friend, helped calm me down.

He was so supportive

He showed me the locker room, and I went in to hang my jacket.

Before I met him upstairs.

I found myself sitting in the locker room, having a hard time believing I was actually doing it.

I was actually here.

And soon I would be up there and face the fear I had for years.

I sat there for a while.

Thinking about my past, thinking of my decision to overcome this fear, and while I still felt nervous, I also started feeling more excited.

I was here.

I got up and walked upstairs.

Confident in my steps, and excitement running through my body.

It was time

We went over to the running machine

Very high tech and it looked a little intimidating.

I got pictures in my head of the movie clips where someone is running on them but tripping and sliding down with high speed.

I laughed a little, that wouldn’t be me today, I would make sure to be careful.

And my friend was a good teacher.

I started walking, at first at the lowest setting but then found myself continuously pressing the speed button.

I loved the feeling, and I started smiling.

For the next 2 hours I tried every machine in the building.

And it felt great.

I had no idea how to use any of them in the beginning, but my friend showed me how, and made sure to put the right weights on, and that I was comfortable.

I felt muscles that hadn’t been moved in years, I felt muscles I didn’t even knew I had, and I loved the feeling of it.

I loved feeling the burn, and the slight tickle in my muscles.

I found myself smiling and laughing.

The feeling of dread, the anxiety, even the memories from my past completely gone.

I knew it helped my friend being here, to support me, and guide me through this, and I felt extremely grateful and lucky to have him here.

I walked out of the gym feeling ecstatic, and really proud of myself.

I had done it, after years of dreading going to the gym, exercising again, I was now here.

And not just having done it but discovering my love for it again.

It proves to me that time heals every wound.

And that every bad experience and memory can be turned into positive ones eventually.

I can’t wait to go down to the gym again, and exercise more regularly.

I can’t wait to start running again in spring.  

I can’t wait to try other things that I have had bad experiences with.

My past no longer rules me, and I feel freer, than I have felt in years.

The reason why exercising filled me with so much dread.

When I was 18, I got PTSD, from a horrible childhood.

My nightmares consisted of me running away from my foster father who had been the cause of my trauma.

For an entire year I had the same dream.

And I think having that nightmare, was the cause of my panic attacks and finding myself hyperventilating when I attempted any physical activity.

It turned something I used to love into something that filled me with a lot of dread.

It left me feeling powerless off my own body and filled me with frustration.

So, for years I avoided anything that got my pulse up, in fear of how I would react to it.

Until last night…

I woke up this morning with sore muscles and found myself smiling.

Smiling that I overcame this fear

Smiling that I had the best time with my friend in the gym.

I realised that everything changes with time, and I feel like for the first time that I can do anything.

Fear no longer rules me.

I got this

And I can’t wait to start building muscles.

To feel stronger

To feel healthier

To be able to run again, wind in my hair.

To do sit-ups, which I haven’t been able to do since I was a teenager.

There is hope. If you have a fear that you haven’t been able to overcome, there is hope that eventually that fear will change into a good experience. I truly believe this now

I will eventually write a longer post of my fitness and health journey, but wanted to write a little post of my first time in a gym since I was a teenager.

I hope you enjoyed this small read today and I will be back eventually to write more.

Ive been busy, living life, and I have found myself struggeling to find inspiration, but I have a lot of future posts planned ❤

so until then have a beautiful day, morning evening and night ❤

MissFaylyn out..