My biggest fear when I travel. Toilets!

There isn’t a lot that effects me when I travel. Only 1 thing and it’s the simplest thing of going to the bathroom. Why is this such a big fear for me? When I was a little girl, I would rather pee my own pants then use the restrooms at the shopping center. My mom had to rush home eveytime we where out and I had to pee because I refused to go. This has always followed me to the extent that I just can’t go when I’m out until last minute. This is a problem when I’m out travelling since I won’t see my own bathroom for days. Using my boyfriends bathroom is okay. But I’m still super aware of the negative thoughts rushing through my mind. Like what if he can hear me pee. Embarrassing. Or when I have to poop God forbid if it smells. I suffer from ibs and this doesn’t make it easier. It’s the constipated version of ibs. Ibs is irrateble bowel syndrome and you feel it as either having dierhea or feeling constipated for days. You get cramps and feel bloated. I can’t go for days when I have it and even farting I don’t do a lot. Just won’t happen. So I have to sit on the toilet longer to get it out or I feel more pain. My ibs only normally flares up when I’m stressed and not being around my own toilet makes me feel stressed. It’s a vicious cycle. I have a few ways of dealing with going to the bathroom. If the fear is bad, I listen to music and just get the deed done as quickly as I can. I close my eyes and pretend I’m somewhere else. I hum a little, calms me down. And I feel a lot calmer if there is a lock on the door. I’ve always been super paranoid if someone would walk in while I’m in the bathroom. I would rather have someone walk in on me while I’m butt naked then me on the toilet. But that’s how embarrassing I find it. I keep asking my self why do I find it so embarrassing having to go to the bathroom. It’s the most natural thing in the world and we all have to go. I once meet a woman who told me that she was once admitted into the hospital for holding in her bowel movements for too long because she didn’t want to go in front of her new husband. After hearing that story I make sure that won’t be me and I deal with my fear the best I can by going when I have to go and try and make it feel as safe as possible. The funny thing is I dond mind people farting or doing there business it’s only when it comes to me I feel this way. I worry too much what people think of me when I go to the bathroom and my. Rational head tells me that they properly dont think anything of it. That’s its just me overthinking it. I’m slightly better at taking better care of myself of not holding it in too long and being more open about it but I can’t do much about my ibs and my body just refusing to go when I need to. So annoying pain is something I still have to suffer through when I’m out traveling. So far though its been an amazing Holiday and it’s been like living the dream seeing my boyfriend and my friend. Still got atlaest another week here. I’m writing this post from my phone making it look great is challenging.