A free wall paper I got from google, until I take a better picture.
Was the thought going through my head, over and over again, on repeat.
I was 21 years old, and life was hard.
I was lying in the middle of the street at 3 in the morning, and I was intoxicated.
I had been going out drinking with my friends, and I had met my ex there.
The pain after our breakup was still fresh and the anger was there, all consuming.
The street was empty and quiet, and I was lying there thinking about my life.
I had just given birth 3 months earlier, and I was now a single parent.
My ex and me broke up in a massive fight 1 month earlier, and it had been messy. This was the first day I had seen him after the breakup.
I didn’t have a lot of money and was in the process of moving back home to my mom.
I was on welfare, but my ex didn’t pay child support, and my beautiful daughter was still a baby in need of milk from the pharmacy.
I couldn’t breastfeed her, when she was born. I was so stressed out that my milk wasn’t running, and she was constantly hungry trying to feed from me, so I had to give her formula.
It wasn’t the first night out drinking with my friends, after I had given birth.
It was my way of escape, trying to drink my sorrows, and failures away.
My daughter was with my mom and being taken care of better than I could.
I was lying in the middle of the street, and I felt I was the biggest failure on earth.
Life was too hard.
I wasn’t a good mother, I hadn’t been a good girlfriend, I wasn’t a good friend, those where the thoughts I had. I was depressed, stressed, tired, and in pain.
I just wanted it all to stop.
While I was lying on the street thinking about all this, I hadn’t noticed a car had stopped and called the police, until a guy was standing over me and told me to get up. I wasn’t in a state to care so he lifted me up and put me inside the police car. I tried to resist but was too tired to fight back.
I don’t remember much from that night only one thing, that I was quiet, and that I tried to open the door of the moving car to jump out.
The policemen asked me my name, but I said nothing.
They drove me to detention, and I slept there that night.
In the morning I was woken up by a woman talking to me gently, asked my name and what happened that night.
I started crying and said that I just wanted to die.
She drove me to the psychiatrist department of the hospital, where I spent the whole day talking to psychiatrists.
I was sent home, after that.
This was my darkest day of my life, and when I think back to the pain I was in and remembering the feeling that I wanted to end it all, I also think about how much that event gave me.
Even in the darkest hour you can find strength and truth in it.
Suicide thoughts I think is common, acting them out isn’t that common. But I think everyone can be in the state that they want the pain to stop.
Before the feeble attempt to take my life, I had often had suicide thoughts, and a few times I had tried, but little did I know that after this event I would never have another attempt again.
The state had been informed by the police and the psychiatrist that I needed help, so I meet my social worker and she sent me to an organization that helped young mothers.
There I meet a psychotherapist who changed my life view on suicide.
I told her about the event, and she said quote.
“fay, do you have any idea how selfish you had been, how many people you would affect if you had committed suicide. Not just your family but also people like me, your social worker, anyone you come across”
How many people would be left with the thought, what could I have done to prevent Fay from committing suicide?
How many would be angry but also sad.
The main reason I wanted to die was because I had the notion that I was a nuisance to society, to people around me and that everyone was better off if I was dead. That’s the occurring thought that goes through my mind when I’m in that state.
And now this stranger told me the truth of things, and I started thinking how I would feel if a stranger had committed suicide too, how I would feel.
And I agree I would feel the same, I felt the same way.
I knew a drug addict for a short time while at work, I only talked to him a few times, he was a customer, and I was just being polite, but I started to like the guy every time he came by to talk. Last time I had talked to him he told me he was trying to get off the drugs, and that life was good. A few moths after I was told by his brother, that he had overdosed. He had often talked about me to his brother, so his brother wanted to tell me why I hadn’t heard from him in a while.
I still think about him, and I’m still angry at him, and I wish I had known that he was in pain, and that maybe I could have helped.
I’ve learned from experience, that it doesn’t matter how much pain you’re in emotionally, suicide is never the answer.
Life will always get a little better. The sun will shine again.
A sunrise I got from free wallpapers on google, until I make my own 🙂
I still think about these words from my psychotherapist, and every time the thought of suicide has crossed my mind, I hear the words, and I snap out of it.
I would rather be in a state of immense physical and emotionally pain, then to hurt people around me, by taking my own life, and knowing this made me keep on fighting.
I haven’t talked to her in years, but if I ever see her again, the first thing I would do is give her the biggest hug.
She helped me get through the worst time of my life.
After the meeting with her, I started pulling myself up, I stopped going out to drink, started playing computer instead, and I got into gaming.
I went back to live with my mom, and it got easier being a mother for my baby daughter.
I got a better relationship with my ex, and we grew into being better co parents for my daughter.
I learned how to look at the bright side of things, when the days are dark, and have hope that it will get better with time.
Those days leading up to my suicide attempt was the worst days in my life, I’ve felt pain after, and life wasn’t always easy, but the way I was thinking about myself was different. I never ever thought the thoughts that I deserve to die, and that people are better off without me.
And changing that view about myself changed everything.
We all have dark days sometimes and how I learned to get through the worst ones is to talk about it. If you can’t talk to family or friends, even talking to a stranger helps.
It gives you perspective that you might not have on things, in either way it can help drown the negative thoughts out.
Like what she did for me, put some common sense into my irrational thoughts.
After the darkest winter nights, one day spring will come.
That’s what I say to myself if I’m in a bad place emotionally. I remember that time, and what I learned from it, and I wait for spring to come.
Ill take some pictures of the first spring flowers, when its the season 😀
So being brave despite fearing a negative result is easier than I expected.
For years I wanted to do something that matters to me, but I feared failing, so I didn’t.
Being a streamer, and starting a blog was all unreachable dreams, that my fear held me back from.
In my mind, I kept thinking.
What if no one reads what I write, what if no one see my videos.
So many what ifs, going through my mind, and none of it was positive thoughts.
So, what changed?
Well I made myself a promise last year. The promise was, if you are scared and your fear is holding you back from acting, then stop thinking and just do.
Made this little picture in photo shop 🙂 My motto from last year
Take the leap and see what happens.
You can’t fear something that hasn’t happened yet.
So, I took the leap.
I still remember the day I installed stream labs on my computer, and I sat starring at this new program and thought to myself “Holy this looks complicated”
How stream labs Obs looks like
I got some help from a friend of mine that had suggested stream labs to me, and suddenly I was live.
The feeling I had when I first turned on my stream was relief that I had done something that I had feared for so long. The world didn’t come crashing down on me. I felt joy sharing it with my friends, and in that moment I felt proud. I had done it.
My first day streaming, my friends where teasing me about my Add-ons in game
I could have stopped streaming after that and still had the feeling “I did it”.
Its like when you jump into the water for the first time learning how to swim, its scary but when you make the jump it fills you with excitement, and joy that you made the jump.
And you realize it didn’t kill you.
Since I started streaming Ive made a lot of videos
So how did streaming one day turn into “I want to do this for a living” one day.
Waking up in the morning and feel like I have a purpose is the best feeling, especially since I’ve felt the opposite for years now.
Waking up with no purpose, no plans and nothing to do.
I was only dreaming about streaming before. That if I was a different person, I could be a streamer, or blogger or you tuber.
The naysayer inside your head. The voice that tells you, that you are stupid to dream big and that it won’t happen for you, was the only voice I heard when I thought about my dreams.
Yes, it’s a big dream to have, but I won’t succeed if I don’t try, and fail and try again.
The most important thing for me when I do this is that its in my own pace and that I enjoy what I do, and so far, I’m loving every second of it.
From streaming that first day to now, a lot has changed.
I didn’t realize back then how much work you need to do, and I still have a long way to go.
Since then, I’ve gotten myself another screen, when you stream on twitch its important that you engage with your viewers, and when you only have one monitor you have to tab out of your game to see chat a lot. It wasn’t optimal.
Now that I have my second screen it’s a lot easier.
I’ve also been looking up how to make videos and post them on you tube, getting programs installed I’ve never heard of.
Programs like Vegas pro, Photoshop and then having to learn how to use it.
Another photo shop image I created today
There is a lot of work behind streaming, and I’m still working on that plan for the near future.
What you need is content to stream, and then work on having a schedule, if you plan to put your videos on you tube you must edit them and then post them on you tube.
I recently learned about thumbnails and how important they are for you tube videos. The better your thumbnail looks the more viewers you might get.
But it’s the content that’s the most important bit.
You have to think about how you feel that day, if you stream and if you are in a bad mood, it’s not going to be a good stream, you have to be in the right mind set to do it.
Every step I make every day is forward, yeah there are a few roadblocks, and a big upward hill ahead but its all moving forward with something I love, and the challenge from doing it and conquering those challenges feels amazing.
I wish I could tell my past self to just make the jump and do the things I feared.
Its not about how it ends, its about trying, and doing it.
In 10 years from now I might find out it wasn’t for me, but I won’t have to look back and say I didn’t try, and that’s what matters to me.
If you have dreams like that, my advice is just, go for it.
What is the worst that can happen, and if it happens then what?
Will it kill you?
What will you lose from doing it?
What would you gain?
When I ask myself these questions my answer to it is.
The worst that can happen is that I get stuck in my process. Not getting any viewers, my reply to that thought in my head is.
Then I just figure out how to turn it around and do something different than I was doing before. Work more on my content I’m putting out, and make it better
Will it kill me? No, it won’t
What will I lose? Time is the only thing I can think of, but since I love what I’m doing that’s not a bad thing, since I get to spend that time doing something I love, which is better than doing nothing.
What will I gain?
The things I’ve already gained. Feeling proud of myself, having a purpose, learning new things, and becoming better at it.
So everyone out there reading this, don’t think just do, you wont know how it goes until you make that jump, and follow your dreams.
So what if you have big dreams, if you work at it, they might stop being dreams and come true, but you wont know until you make the jump.
Have a nice evening everyone. I got some more streaming to do tonight
I’ve been feeling restless today, and that happens a lot with me, when I don’t have a lot to do.
Took this picture at the moon a few months ago, I thought I would share it with you today, doesn’t it look beautiful?
I’m on welfare and have been since I was 21. I’m not in the normal welfare system as most, I’m in box number 2 as the state calls it.
What is box number 2?
Let’s start with box number one.
If you are between jobs, or school, and you haven’t been able to find any you get into box number one, and its up to you to find a job. You get welfare, but it’s your responsibility to look around. Keep your job application updated, and sometimes the state will help you put you into a job.
As the state sees you, you are ready to work.
Box number 2, is the box where the state doesn’t see you as ready for work yet, either because of health issues or mental health issues, they will try to help you with a mentor, and what you need in order to get back into box number 1. After a few years they evaluate you again at a big meeting, to see which box you belong in.
Box number 3 is the box where you are working towards retiring early, because of either severe mental health issues or health issues. It’s the box where the system has tried everything but has given up.
That’s how I got it explained from my social worker.
I had been close to get into box 3 for years, I had to fight to stay out of it. Because of my past working a normal job or going to school has been a big challenge, I’ve been sent out to work or try school for years, but I got send home sick a lot.
I got told by my doctor 2 years ago, that looking at my history, he doesn’t think I can work a normal job ever, and a few of the people I worked with from the state, mentors and psychiatrists told me I should think about retiring. So, go from box 2 to box 3.
I’ve always been adamant to work though my issues and get back into having a normal job again or finish a degree at the university.
So, every time there was talk about box 3, I said a firm no, not interested.
I have hope.
I have hope for being able to work normally one day and get out of the system. Being able to support myself.
Being at home, makes you feel restless a lot, and I’ve tried in these last years to work on myself, educate myself, reading books, watching ted talks or lectures I find on the web.
I’ve had to do a lot of self care.
There isn’t a moment where I’m not working on something or on myself.
Now I’m working with my mentor on finding a place I can work, for a few hours, but its been a rough time these last few months, so my energy level hasn’t been up there. So, we are working on the smaller things, like going out a little more.
I’m bad at leaving the house, because when I’m in a space with a lot of people I feel drained, and I spent a lot of time recuperating from it after.
I’m still not sure if this comes from being an HSP or my past or both.
So, what do I spend most of my time on at home?
When I’m not playing games, I either write, or watch videos that teaches me something new.
The last few months I’ve had a passion for reading about human behavioral psychology and for learning how to edit and make videos for you tube.
I started this blog as well and been spending some time looking into how websites work, and how to customize them.
When I’m not trying to find new things to learn I work on the state of mind I’m in. My stress level mostly.
If I’m stressed its harder for me falling a sleep at night because I keep thinking.
Its my main priority, keeping myself in balance. To work on my sleep pattern, and to pick myself up if I’m having a rough day.
For years I was demoralized being in the system, and my own self worth was low. I felt ashamed of being in the system, and felt it was an impossible job to get out of it, I felt stuck and overwhelmed. I felt like if you are in the system you aren’t good enough as a person, because you are dependent on someone taking care of you, and I felt guilty every day I went to buy something at the grocery shop.
Now I see it as a place where I heal and its on me helping myself to get out of it.
There is a lot of ways you can contribute to the society you live in, and it doesn’t all have to be from working a job. I try to work on that.
Its often talked badly about if you are on welfare, and that’s been a hard pill to swallow as well. When you meet a new person and they ask the question.
So, what do you do?
I have always hated that question.
It sounds like what you work with is what defines you as a person. That its important how you earn your money, and what you spend your time on.
I still don’t know what to answer.
I’m not as shame ridden about being on welfare as I used to be, because I know that I always tried to get out there.
I get praised from my social workers in always being cooperate, and open to new ideas from them and they all know I work on myself a lot when I’m at home.
I think if you are in the welfare system the most important thing you can do for yourself is, not feel demoralized by it, everyone has some sort of setback in their lives at some point, and its nothing to be ashamed of.
Use that time to heal and pick yourself up, use it to reflect on yourself on how to get back on your feet again.
Keep working on learning new things and keep up the work on yourself.
And especially if you have days where you are bored and restless, find a project to work on or learn a new skill. That’s how you keep the days going, but also feel pride in what you do with all the spare time.
I feel pride and joy from the small things I learn, a small thing is better then doing nothing.
I wrote about all the things I’ve learned from gaming in my blog post about World of Warcraft.
I developed better social skills and learned a new language.
Before I was placed in welfare I didn’t have as many skills as I do today, and its all on me, I taught myself all of it, well with the work of the internet 😀
So yes I’m on welfare, but I still have hope that in a few years ill be able to pull myself out of it, and take pride in being able to support myself, until then I do everything I can to better myself as a person, and keep my head up high, and most importantly have something I’m proud of.
Now it’s my twitch steam, and my blog.
So why am I feeling restless today?
I’m in between projects and Ive been wracking my brain and what to work on.
Working on my blog is one of my projects, but there are many hours in a day so I need something else. I’m also streaming a lot of my games on twitch and I want to stream a lot more, question is at the moment is what to stream.
I normally stream playing the game World of Warcraft but we are still waiting for the new patch to come out, so been thinking about picking another game up and put some time and effort into that.
Feeling restless is the worst and that just comes from having a lot of spare time on your hands, but I’m sure I figure something out at the end of the day.
I got to keep moving forward, that’s one of my mantras at the moment, doing something is better then doing nothing, even if its just how to learn how to knit.
A picture of my mom to the left, my grandmother in the middle and my aunt to the right
My mom grew up in Serbia in a small gypsy village.
Everyone in that town is somewhat related and they all know each other.
I remember when I came down to visit every summer, and was walking down the street, I was invited in by strangers who told me, hey I’m family come eat with us.
Its polite to accept and eat at least a little bit, so we had a lot of stops around a lot of households that summer.
Everyone greets each other by kissing you 3 times on the cheek, and I remember at a party where there are 100 people this can take a while saying hello to everyone.
When you get invited in to eat dinner, you have to eat something, and the more you eat the better, if you end up burping it’s a good sign, and its basically a way to say thank you.
I always wondered for this reason why people in western culture apologies when they burp, because I was brought of thinking it was something you had to do.
Family:
This is the most important thing for gypsies, and they have very big families.
Everyone who is a little related is close family, even god mothers and god fathers are considered close family, and their families. So, my family is huge. Its not all blood related. I have no idea who is blood related to me, I just know they are family.
They do anything for family, and if someone dies, they all mourn the loss, If someone gets married they all come, everything is shared, even small events. If someone steps out of line, they all intervene.
Appearance:
This is important for gypsies. How they look and what they wear.
For girls, they all look like super models, wearing high heels, miniskirts, big puffy dresses, gold jewelry, and a lot of makeup.
A picture of me when I was a teenager, a lot more makeup and a lot more jewelry and its fitting to how the girls looks like. I was 15 at the time.
Before a girl gets married this is how she shows status, even though she wears skimpy clothes they are all virgins until they get married, this is something they take pride in. If a girl isn’t a virgin when she marries, that’s her status gone, she is considered impure, and her worth falls.
For men, they always wear clean clothes, with gold necklaces. Their hair and everything in order.
If they have a nice car that’s a plus and sign of wealth.
When they get married, how they hold their household matters. It must be constantly cleaned, so if they get surprise visitors its spotless.
I remember when I was back home, my friends would always have to clean the house before agreeing to go out and play. I would have to sit and wait or even help.
Flowers on the table, a bowl filled with fresh fruit or candy, and making sure everything was dusted off.
I remember growing up and my grandmother yelling at me from time to time, because I was a messy head and had left my plate on the table not cleaned. She was the kindest and most loving person I’ve have ever known, but it was important for her everything was clean at the house.
My mom is the same way. She values looking good when she goes outside, she puts on makeup before she goes shopping, she always told me to clean up, because what if we the Danish queen came to visit us, and saw the mess we where living in.
My moms shelf, with trinkets that she dusts off on a regular basis, everything is placed neatly, the more trinkets you have, its a sign of wealth.
Everything matters. That the house smells and looks good, that you yourself always look your best. Its all signs of good status and wealth.
If you are a little round around the waist, that’s a sign of good status too, being curvy, means you have a lot of food, and live a rich life.
Superstition
Gypsies believe in good signs and bad signs, they believe in the supernatural, ghosts, reading the future in coffee cups or your hand.
They believe in curses, and the evil eye.
They give their kids protection with a red bracelet made of yarn or give them religious symbols to war around their neck, like a cross made from gold, or a picture of a saint on it. Its to protect from curses and evil eyes, that is to be believed to cause illness or bad events happening to a child.
Pictures of Saints, that according to my mom watches over us, and protects us, she sometimes kiss their pictures
Its important that a kid is baptized when they get born, if they aren’t, they will grow up evil, and go to hell.
You can’t address your kids or anyone to be beautiful, you have to say the opposite.
I remember going to see my family and everyone would pinch my cheek, kiss their fingers, and say I was rusno. This confused me growing up because rusno, means ugly, and I didn’t understand why everyone would say I was ugly until I asked my mom and she told me that they cant say I’m pretty because then one day I wont be, so they use the word ugly to say I’m pretty.
They give their kids nicknames that’s related to a flaw in them. I was named Zuba, because I had big teeth growing up. Zuba means teeth.
If your nose itches the left side of it, you will get into a fight, if the right side has an itch something good will happen.
If you left hand itches you will have loose money, if your right hand has an itch you will get money. Its all connected and has a meaning. Left side is bad things happening and right side is good.
There is a lot more of these superstitions they follow. Things you can and can’t do.
Dreams and coffee cups:
Dreams are important to gypsies. If you have a dream about an elephant they will try to determine if the dream was bad or good, going from the letter E for elephant, and then try from what the dream was about to predict if it’s a good omen or a bad one.
From what I’ve noticed its only women who practices the art of interpreting dreams.
They also learn how to read your fortune in coffee cups.
I think it’s passed down from mother to mother. I can’t tell if it’s true for every family, but my mom learned it from her mother.
Funerals:
When someone die there is a lot of tradition going with this event.
They believe the spirit will stick around for 40 days.
The spirit will haunt the family for 40 days, either appearing as an animal, or a shadow or something else.
When my grandmother died, my mom firmly believed she came to visit her one day as a cool breeze. My mom went to bed one night and thought it was too hot, it was in the middle of summer, and suddenly after having thought that, a cool breeze came through the window, and cooled the room down. My mom got up scared and told my grandmother to stop haunting her.
I’ve heard a lot of similar stories from most of my family members, either stories of shadows, animals or objects in the house suddenly being out of place or being moved around.
After those 40 days, when a person has died, they have a big party.
When my grandmother died. They bought a lamb, it was important it was female, because my grandmother was one.
Its bad luck if they get a male for a woman and the other way around for men.
Before the lamb is roasted over a pit of fire, they must address the lamb and say goodbye to the spirit inhabiting it, this case my grandmother. My mom told me she kissed the lamb and dried it of tending it as it was my grandmother lying there.
Then later that evening everyone would be feasting on the lamb comforted by this action had sent my grandmother to the afterlife, and no longer roaming around as a spirit.
If they would fail to get a lamb after 40 days, my grandmothers’ spirit would roam around creating havoc forever.
After a death, everyone in the family would have to wear black clothes for an entire year, in the old days the women would wear black headscarves, but now they just wear a black shawl around their shoulders.
No music or television is aloud for 1 year, and you can’t laugh or smile too much.
My mom told me that my grandmother had asked everyone in the family to not follow this tradition when she died, she wanted us to laugh and still listen to music.
My mom still honored the tradition and didn’t listen to music for a year.
It’s all part of showing everyone you are mourning a big loss, a person you loved dearly and its all about showing their pain of loosing them.
When my family went to visit grave sites of the dead, we would bring a ton of food and have lunch at the grave. My grandmother was a smoker, so my mom would put a cigarette in the ground, so my grandmother was with us smoking in spirit. All the favorite foods and drinks of the person who has died, is placed upon the grave site, and sits there until next time they come to visit.
It’s believed that they get to enjoy these things in heaven if it’s brought to their final resting place.
On the walk to the grave site, its tradition for mostly the women to start screaming and crying very loudly. This always scared me a little when I heard it, but its again sign of showing how much they loved the person who had died.
Weddings:
This is filled with many traditions.
What happens mostly is, boy meets girl, boy goes to his parents and says he is in love with the girl, the girls family gets a visit from the boys family and they discuss If it’s a match and what the price will be to marry the girl is.
On the day of the wedding, his family will go meet the girl and her family, and they will have the money with them. Then they get married and after have a big party.
The party is mainly held in a big tent or a big venue that’s big enough for at least a 100 people, and they all dance, drink, smash plates on the floor and celebrate.
The day after they have another party, if they found blood on the sheets of the newly wed. To show the girl was a virgin.
My mom told me if I had gotten married that way, she would have had to kiss my bloody sheets and then show them around dancing to everyone. To show everyone I had been a good girl and that she had raised me well.
Old traditions say that if a girl isn’t a virgin, she would get put on a donkey and had to ride out of town while everyone would have to throw rotten fruit at her.
This tradition is outdated now, but I have seen a case where the girl got sent home the day after because she wasn’t a virgin and the couple got divorced.
That’s why its so important that the girl is a virgin, and everyone of my friends upheld this. They did tell me however that they had sex before marriage, but It was anal sex, since they would still be a virgin when they got married.
The wedding can last up to several days, up to 7 days depending on the family and how much they can afford.
Everyday the girl wears a new dress, a big puffy dress with loads of jewelry and a crown on her head, either made of flowers or jewelry.
One of the traditions is to shoot an apple of a big pole, if the couple manages to do this, they will have a fortunate life.
Everyone had to show they are happy, and dance as must as possible.
I remember these weddings, and everyone would be dancing throughout most of the day.
Even the elderly would shake their legs, laugh and shout, maybe even dance on the tables.
You can say a lot about the gypsies, but they sure know how to party.
When I was 15 I fell in love with one of the boys from my moms village, and he courted me for 2 years, we where supposed to be wed, when I was 18, but I discovered he had been cheating on me with one of my friends, so I broke up.
I remember it was very innocent when we where dating, we where constantly being watched by family to make sure I would be a virgin if we ended up being married.
I’m happy to this day it didn’t end that way, I was way to young for marriage, and having grown up the way I did, I wouldn’t have been suited for a gypsy life style.
He married a year later and has a few kids now.
The language:
I was taught to speak both gypsy and Serbian.
The gypsy language is called Romani, and they people call themselves roma.
Rom means man, and romni means women. So, therefor roma means the people.
I once meet gypsies from Spain, and I was surprised I could understand what they said, mostly.
The language is passed down from generation to generation, and varies, depending on dialect and what country you live in.
What I learned from asking my family about the gypsies.
There are several kinds of gypsies. The once who has taken root in a country, and no longer travel, they adopt that country’s religion and some of its culture. And then there are the ones who still travel.
Depending on what country you live in, your religious beliefs will be different, so because my family live In Serbia and they are mostly orthodox catholic there, they have embraced that religion as their own.
I know some gypsies in Denmark who are catholic, some are protestants, some are Muslims.
I do find the fact, that the language and most of the traditions they have across countries are the same, interesting.
I’ve watched a lot of documentaries and videos from gypsies around the world, and a lot of their way of life is what I grew up watching.
I think that’s why tradition is so important to the gypsies around the world, that and their language, if they don’t pass it along to their kids, their way of life and their culture dies out.
I was raised mostly Danish, living here in Denmark, and my mom didn’t want me to grow up gypsy. She didn’t want me to be married of like she was when she was younger, she wanted me to live a more modern life, but some of the traditions she follows, she still tries to pass down to me.
Believing in the supernatural is something she managed to pass down, and that’s another blog post for another day 😊
My family aren’t travelers. They have their home in Serbia, some of my cousins moved to Germany or Austria to live a more modern life, but they all value the traditions they grew up with, passing down from our ancestors.
Some of the traditions aren’t as strict anymore, I see more and more of my family members marrying out of love, and the women have jobs, and aren’t just at home watching their kids.
They still value how they appear, and how well kept their homes are.
Gold is a big part of our family and decorating the homes with religious paintings and objects.
Many people believe that gypsies steal and are great con artists.
Some are, I’m not going to lie, but the only people I know who follow this lifestyle is my sister and her kids.
My sisters father, married my sister off to a guy when my sister was only 12, and the guy was raised to steal and lie, so it was the life style they lived by, and because of this we don’t talk to my sister anymore.
My family on my moms’ side, we value hard honest work, and my grandmother was the biggest influence on that. She taught me that giving is a virtue.
My grandmother was a poor woman, she lived of her own land, and sold what she could at the market. Every night she would make too much food, and one day I asked her why, she told us, if a poor man knocks on my door hungry, he doesn’t have to go home hungry.
She lived by this until she died.
I remember she would walk to town for an hour, to get me a pizza slice because I told her my favorite food was pizza.
She was the kindest loving woman I have ever meet, and I miss her gentle spirit every day.
If only everyone had the heart, she had, the world would be a better place.
Growing up watching 2 different cultures, has been interesting to say at least, I take the good from both cultures with me.
The good things I got from my gypsy heritage is our family views, we take care of each other, and we value giving.
Its in the small things, the traditions they have, that always strive to live an optimal life with great joys and celebrating the good events life through at you.
I don’t get to see them often but I know I’m loved and will be by all of them, even the ones I haven’t meet, because we are family. And family is everything for them.
So today the 8th of January, is the day my family celebrate their version of Christmas.
My family on my moms side live in Serbia, in a small gypsy village. More information about them will be in another blog post I’m posting after this post
They are all orthodox Catholics
How do we celebrate Christmas?
Today early in the morning I got a stick from the mailbox, that my mom had bought from the orthodox catholic church.
I held it in my hand and knocked on the door. I said a sentence in gypsy 3 times, and waited for my mom to reply 3 times, and then she opened the door.
When I entered, she threw some rice at me, and kissed my cheek 3 times, on each side. From left, to right, to left.
Then at noon we sat down for dinner, a big feast of Serbian specialties, that has some origin from Turkish and Greek food.
The bread with the coin inside is in front of the picture
She had also made some freshly baked break, and as tradition says put a coin inside of it, for us to find.
The lucky finder of the coin would get some money for it, as a little gift.
My mom found the coin 🙂 She will get good luck all year because of it.
As Tradition says in my family everything, we do today we will do all year. The more food we have on the table the richer we will get this year, it’s a plus if there is money on the table as well, so my mom decorated the table with notes of money, and put it on the little branch she got from church.
We aren’t aloud to fight, because if we do so, we will do so all year, everything that happens today will make the foundation of what’s to come this year.
In gypsy culture everything is about superstition. They strongly believe in bad and good omens.
I remember when I was growing up, I had to have a bracelet made of red yawn around my wrist, to avoid evil eyes from people around me. If someone gives you the evil eye it’s basically a curse, they put on you, and to avoid it, the parents give their children and young youth a red bracelet.
To protect their kids they give them nicknames, that’s either a flaw in their appearance or another bad trait.
I had a nickname that basically was the word teeth in gipsy. Zuba, I was called growing up, my nephews nick name was shit.
It sounds weird but it’s said in a loving way. I think we get those names in order of a protection from evil eyes, or other bad events happening.
When it comes to how they celebrate anything in life, they go big, Big parties, that lasts days.
Some weddings take 7 days, and they all have a set of different traditions to them.
Most of my family live in Serbia, so today it was only me, my mom and my daughter.
My mom and me 🙂 My Daughter Adriana
But in my gypsy village I know they will go big today, with a big feast with a lot of presents to go around and money for everyone. Later tonight they will play gypsy music and dance most of the night, maybe even throw a few plates on the floor.
Throwing plates is something that happens almost every time they party, and its not a rare thing to see people dancing on the table as well. I’ve seen my grandmother on the table dancing and throwing plates.
And every visitor you meet today you kiss 3 times on the cheek.
Today its important you look your best too.
That you have showered and put on your finest clothes.
Both woman and the men, will wear jewelry, all made from gold. Even the kids will wear it.
Its important the house is clean.
Again, its all part of what will happen this year.
So, a clean home means the year will be pure. Hygiene will be at its top and you will be healthy all year.
The gold symbolizes riches, so it means you will have a rich year.
The more you laugh and smile the more you will do so this year, so today is not just a celebration of Jesus birth its also a future prediction of what’s to come.
I don’t share the same religion as my mom, but I still honor my family’s traditions and do my best to follow them.
This is how my family celebrates Christmas, so merry gypsy Christmas everyone.
May everything good that happens today follow you through out the year.
Ill post some screenshots of the food we had today
the money bread in front, and a plate with roasted porkStuffed Sauerkraut leaves, with rice and meat ( Sadma we call it) and a bread dish made with spinach and beef meat (Bureko we call it) Bread made with feta cheese ( Bureko) and crackers filled with melted chocolate and nuts (Oblande)This is my present, a tradition to give to everyone, your own money bread.
According to scientists we have around 12000 to 70000 thoughts a day, most of them are negative thoughts.
When I think of my own thought pattern this rings true, but how do you control your thoughts if they turn negative, how do you address them.
For me when It comes to thinking I have a few ways of resolving to self-care when intrusive thoughts come up.
During a day I can go from I’m feeling great to suddenly have a thought that comes from fear or not feeling good enough, and being empathic, I worry and think a lot about others.
If I let the negative thought run its course, it can turn from me feeling great to end up crying most of the day. So, I have a few steps to help me get through them and get back to the happy place I was before the thought occurred.
For me it depends on what thought it was.
If it was a negative thought worrying about something or someone, I have to accept I can’t do a lot, since its out of my control, and I have to convince myself that if I have to worry I cant worry until there is something concrete to worry about, a problem that arises now not a problem that might arise in the future.
If it’s a negative thought about myself, that’s where my self care come in.
Step one, take a deep breath, and I tell myself it’s going to be okay.
That normally does the trick, but if it doesn’t and the thought keeps running wild.
Step two, listen to music take my mind somewhere else, listen to feel good music or look at puppy videos.
That normally takes my thought process to the good, I have a little laugh, or I sing along to a song that reminds me, of the good things. If this still doesn’t help
Step Three, I address the thought deeper, I delve into and I feel it. Obviously it was something that wanted to be addressed, and I tell myself its okay not to be perfect, I’m human and I make mistakes, and I’m not always In control, then I just work on that and try to do my best in the future.
It wasn’t that long ago something happened, and I ended up having to deal with step 3.
I had a friend I’ve known for years, and we fell out of contact. He had fallen in love with me, and I didn’t have the same feelings, but naïve as I was, I hoped we could still work through it and be friends. But it turned out it was a lot more difficult then I imagined.
He ended the friendship with removing me from social media and telling me before hand he was leaving, it left me in a state of anger and not really understanding why, since it was so sudden. It came from a little argument about something he didn’t agree on.
Close to Christmas I contacted him again, after not having talked to him for 6 months.
It didn’t end well.
He wrote me a long list of the ways he thought I was a bad friend, and treated people badly, that message left me crippled for a day. The thoughts I went through sent me into a state of constant tears.
I started thinking of the friends I’ve had over the years, the ones I had lost, the ones I had argued with. I turned to my friends help and asked them if it was true. Was I a bad friend?
They all told me it wasn’t true, and he was just trying to upset me, with him clearly being angry still.
It was hard for me to accept the comforting words from my friends, I couldn’t let the thought go, that maybe I was a bad friend.
So, I had to use step 3, I went inside the thought, felt it through, cried it out, felt the loss of my friend, dealt with that loss, and then I told myself.
“Fay, you aren’t perfect, and that’s okay, sometimes you meet people who aren’t a match, sometimes you go different ways, you have different views, you cant please everyone, sometimes people fall through the cracks and you can only let them go, even if you care for them, you did your best, you have to trust that”
I took a deep breath I got up from my bed, and I felt a lot better. The thoughts were going away.
It took me years to find the self-care to deal with negative thoughts, and sometimes its still hard, depending on how I feel generally and what the thoughts are.
When I went through my breakup, it was hard to use those steps, I had to use them over and over, and it took me months to get back up again.
When we lose something in our lives or our heart breaks, its not just the thoughts we have to deal with but heal the broken heart and having to deal with a loss, so it’s a lot harder to manage good self-care then.
What I have taught myself is to trust in the better, trust that one day it will get better, and that’s what gets me out of those moments of feeling pain for a longer period.
I have a saying
At the end of the tunnel there is always light
I say that sentence to myself over and over until I believe it
When I think back to 10 years ago, I didn’t have the same self-care as I have now, and when I felt negative thoughts, it was crippling. It put me in a state of depression and took me months to get myself out of it.
The ways I dealt with bad thoughts back then, was inflicting pain on myself, that was the only way the thoughts could stop.
I would pinch my own skin, until I felt the thought go away for just a second, until it came back and I would pinch my skin again, if it continue, I would bang my head into the wall, until I felt a little better, but doing these things, also made me feel shame, having to resort to inflicting pain on myself, and it was a vicious cycle of bad thoughts.
I think in those times, I taught myself to accept that I wasn’t perfect and learned to see the beauty in the small things, try to direct my thoughts to something beautiful instead. Like looking at the sunrise outside my window, watching my hamster do silly things in its cage, or the biggest thing that got me through the worst moments was my gaming. Distract myself with thoughts I couldn’t deal with by playing video games. It got me through the worst of it, and I managed to pull myself up slowly in those moments.
I have better self-care now, because of the therapists Ive had in my life, but also the things I taught myself.
I see myself in a different light then I did back then. I don’t try to be so perfect all the time and have accepted that no one is. But for me the most important thing, is to try, to be the best version of myself I can be, and if I fail, I get back up and try again.
I’ve recently developed a mantra I got from playing games, it’s a meme we use from a song called go Agane. It came from a streamer on twitch.
So, when I fail, I tell myself that, I get up and Go Agane.
In my past I didn’t have the same view, I couldn’t accept if I wasn’t perfect then I wasn’t good enough, and shouldn’t be aloud to be around, and wasn’t worth taking any more breaths.
Well past me, I’m still here, and kicking ass.
Its all in the power of how you control and deal with your thoughts.
Its okay to have bad thoughts, we all have them, but how you deal with them is how you come up on the other side, feeling stronger before it brings you deeper down.
I started playing World of Warcraft in November 2007.
Burning crusade had been released in January the same year.
I’ve been watching my boyfriend and his friends play and something about the game spoke to me.
I just had to try it for myself, and that’s where Faydra was born.
A Bloodelf Retribution Paladin.
I remember in the beginning I was still very shy playing in an online game, where you had to interact with strangers, and where most of the players where male.
I was constantly teased by my boyfriend and friends that I wasn’t that good at the game, and I was even told that they wouldn’t want to raid with me, when I dinged max lvl because I wouldn’t be good enough to do it.
That sparked an inner voice promising “Ill show you guys I can do it better” and eventually I did 😊
The first few years I just ran around mostly by myself just lvling, but when one of my friends from primary school asked me to come play with him and his Danish guild I said yes, and I got into raiding then.
I still remember my first raid, I was tanking it and I was terrified, but they where all super supportive and we managed to down all the bosses in Karazhan and Zulaman.
The next expansion came out shortly, the Wrath of the Lich King, and I started the lvling process again, this time I made a new character and leaving my friend and my paladin behind. I made a priest with a few friends, and ended up in an English-speaking guild, when I hit max lvl.
This was the first time, I had been on my own, in an English-speaking guild, and it was slightly intimidating talking to strangers on Team Speak, but once I got to know them all, it was an amazing feeling. I was sitting in Denmark and talking to people across the world. Getting to know different cultures and viewpoints. My world had just opened to be bigger than just me sitting alone.
A few months later I went to a guild meet with them all in Cardiff Wales. At the time I was single, but I’ve been talking to this guy from Scotland a lot more, and we started dating after that guild meet up. He moved over to Denmark a few months later and I was with him for about 6 years.
I wasn’t the best at speaking English, in the beginning I was shy, but when my boyfriend from Scotland moved over, I slowly got the hint of a Scottish accent I still have today.
And a few years later people wouldn’t be able to recognize that I was Danish.
English became my first language, I even started dreaming in English. I still do.
Over the years I stopped being shy around people and started doing things in the game I would never have thought I’d be brave enough to do.
I started a guild of my own, I became an officer in most of the guilds I was in, managing websites, applications, recruiting people on discord, and in writing.
I started raid leading.
World of Warcraft is just a game in so many people’s eyes, but for me it was a jump to develop skills for myself I never thought I would have gained.
When I first started, I hardly knew how to turn my computer on, and everything was a challenge, figuring out how to download add on’s, installing a voice program.
To be competitive in the game I had to do a lot of homework. Read up on the different bosses in wow, learn how to play my class well, since I was the raid leader I had to read up on the other classes as well, and their jobs in that raid, and then convey it all to them in voice.
I had to learn how to review applications and how to write one, and to this day I’ve never done a job application, but a guild application and a job application looks a lot like the same thing, and I’m confident if I had to make one I would do it well because of my experiences in wow.
Sometimes there would be conflicts in game, and as a leader I had to address those conflicts and sort it out, so I learned how to handle conflicts well.
It was sort of a try and fail thing in the beginning but with every mistake you make you learn what not to do next time.
I learned to be tough and sometimes had to turn people down, who didn’t have the right experience for the task my guild needed them to do. That was the hardest one to learn, because it doesn’t matter if it’s the sweetest people you talk to, you must think of what’s best for your team.
There where moments I had to fail an application or a trial and I had to tell them myself, that they didn’t make the cut.
Today the recent thing I’ve learned is stream my game play in World of Warcraft and I’m in the process of learning how to edit videos, for future guide videos on you tube.
Its not just the practical set of skills I’ve gotten today but my social skills have improved massively. I’m no longer shy when it comes to talking to strangers.
When you are a girl playing in a world that’s mostly dominant by guys, it can be challenging. Its still a world, where everyone immediately think if you are a girl that you aren’t as good a gamer as them. Getting the same respect, they give each other is something I had to work towards, and slowly built up.
Especially when it comes to leading a bunch of people. Earning respect takes a lot of hard work, but when you show them how serious and hard working you are, that normally does the trick.
There are moments where you will get flirty comments from people. When I first became a streamer, I got a few comments that I should become a titty streamer, and its something I just shrug off now.
I play more games then just World of Warcraft now, and there is always something new to learn, a new challenge to complete. Its never ending and along the way I build stronger connections to people from other countries. That’s my favorite part of playing online games, is the people.
The people I was once to shy and to scared to talk to, is now the biggest motivation for me to continue playing World of Warcraft, along with the skills I get every year, that I can use in any workplace.
I never realized how much I’ve learned until last year when I went to a lecture with my mentor about gaming, and how much you learn from it.
It’s always been addressed as taboo playing video games at the lvl we do, but now gaming has been proven that it does benefit you as a person.
I love what I do, and I wouldn’t change this lifestyle. I’ve on several occasions gone to meet people I’ve meet in game in real life. I’ve become a more confident person, and my social skills has improved to the better, and the creativity I got from it, still surprises me.
World of Warcraft changed my life to the better.
Below I put in some screenshots from the games I play 🙂
Picture of my Retribution Paladin FaydraA boss fight in action, I’m tanking here.Break time before we meet the next bossThis is Ark Survival Evolved, another game I play with friends. Rocket League, I just scored another goal
A few years ago, I had a mentor, who came by to help me with practical things in my life.
I had recently been diagnosed with a few personality disorders, one of them was borderline, but according to my psychiatrist I only had partial borderline.
My mentor came to visit one day and asked me to sit down, he then said “Fay, I don’t think you have borderline, I think you are a highly sensitive”
Highly sensitive?
I had just tried to understand what borderline meant for me, and what it was about and now I was told I might have something else entirely.
When he went home, I started googling highly sensitive personality and took the test on Elaine Aron’s page and scored a top score.
What I read suddenly made sense.
It was like suddenly my world made sense, I made sense.
I had always felt misunderstood, and frustrated that everyone around me had told me” fay you are just too sensitive, you are too nice, you are too caring, you are too emotional” I never understood why that was a bad thing, why everyone made it sound like it was a bad thing.
The more I read the more relief I felt that I wasn’t alone in this, and that I was finally understood.
Was is highly sensitive personality?
Elaine Aron’s describes it with the words D.O.E.S
D: Depth of Processing
The HSP Brain has a more active Insula, which basically means HSP takes in a lot more information around them and thinks more deeply about things. This may result in slower decision making and more transition time between tasks.
O: Over stimulation
Since HSP’s notice more subtleties in their environment and are more impacted by social stimulation, they get more overstimulated and feel more exhausted by a high level of input.
E: Emotional Responsiveness/Empathy
Brain scans have shown that HSP’s have more active mirror neurons which are responsible for feelings of empathy for others and more activity in areas that are involved with emotional responses. HSP’s feel both positive and negative emotions more intensely than non-HSP’s.
S: Sensitive to Subtleties/Sensory Stimuli
HSP’s notice subtle details that others miss such as non-verbal cues and small changes in their environment. They are also more impacted by strong sensory input such as bright lights, loud noises, strong smells or rough textures.
How does these things affect me?
I think a lot, about anything and everything, the smallest things follows me for days. If I walk into a bus and notices the bus driver looks sad, I go home thinking about the bus driver and why he was sad that day, and then that thought turns into a million other thoughts.
I dream every night, and some nights I remember having had up to 3 different dreams. Its rarer for me not dreaming.
I try to avoid the news because I’ve had times when I was watching the news and it affected me for days, I would be spending days worrying about a nuclear plant leak in china, or other things, that caused people to die, or other horrible events. I remember bursting out into tears just by the thought of those events. I couldn’t help it I just feel deeply about big events like that.
When it comes to going out to shop in big Supermarkets, I always feel super exhausted when I get back home, like I’ve been running a marathon.
I notice everything when I’m out, people’s facial expression, how they walk, the tone of their voice, the lights, the smell, the noises.
It’s just too much.
Don’t take me wrong, I love going out, meeting new people, and seeing new things, but its always really draining, and I feel the need to take mini breaks where I find a quiet space or listen to music.
I feel my body tensing, and I feel stressed.
My emotions feel’s too much.
I’ve had times when I feel in love and it’s just feel’s too much, the affects it has on my body, not being able to sleep or eat, and the constant butterflies in my stomach. It’s a nice feeling, but its also overwhelming, being sad feels too much, and at times I’m not sure how to handle the emotion. Being angry is the worst, because at the same time of being angry I’m aware of the people around me, how they react to me being angry and I notice their voices change, how they act differently, and it makes me feel guilty for feeling the emotion.
But controlling my emotions or hiding them feels almost impossible.
The last few years I tend to withdraw when I feel an emotion that feels hard to control. I don’t like how people around me gets affected by it, so I deal with it in private and come back when I’ve dealt with it.
When I have acted my emotions out in public, I’ve always been told “God fay you are just too sensitive. Just shake it off, let it go”. Thing is I have no idea how anyone can shake their emotions off. It’s an impossible thought to me, I’ve tried to hide my feelings, but failed every time.
It’s like when I see a movie that’s sad, and suddenly I just burst into tears, at the same time I’m laughing because its silly I’m crying over a movie, but also feel embarrassed that people see me like this, but I’m also surprised why no one else is crying.
I’ve always felt amazed why people around me don’t react or act on the same things that affects me, that I see or feel, and in that, that’s how I always felt different.
More sensitive then others I guess, or just different.
Growing up, I was always daydreaming and noticing everything around me. I was super curious and always wanted to figure out how people worked.
To this day I’m still curious to how people think and act in certain situations.
One of my big hobbies is psychology, trying to understand how emotions, and the human mind works.
How we are all different in ways I have yet to understand.
The more I read about being highly sensitive the more I understand, and I learn more about how to deal with situations that feel overwhelming. I’ve learned to embrace my sensitivity, and accept it for what it is, not something that’s grey and white, but colors.
Its not a bad thing being sensitive as I always thought it was.
It has its strengths. Being able to empathize with people around me, makes me feel more connected to them.
Seeing the world as I do, it’s a lot more beautiful. The color of the night sky, the feel of the wind on my skin, the beauty of music, or a painting in a waiting room.
I see the world in colors. People are colors to me.
And yes, being sensitive, can be overwhelming at times, but once I learned to take my mini breaks and withdraw to a quiet space its something I can deal with now, learning to take deep breaths when I feel stressed has helped. People around me now understands if I’m emotionally, that’s just fay as they say, they have accepted that’s just how I react to things.
I still withdraw if I feel anger or I’m sad, because I still don’t like upsetting people by me being upset, but I always end up coming back to chat when I’ve dealt with the worst storm of the emotions.
Music helps with that and singing along to songs when I’m angry works magically.
are you highly sensitive as well or do you know anyone who is ? S
I don’t remember much from when I was 5 years old, what I do remember is a few glimpses of something I’ve been trying to piece together over the last few years.
My earliest memory is me on my mom’s lap and she is rocking me to sleep, humming a song. I remember I feel safe and loved.
My next memory isn’t as pleasant, and I remember more pieces of it.
I stand on a parking lot with bags of clothes next to me. I’m feeling scared, alone, and missing my mom so much.
A car pulls over and a woman gets out to greet me, she takes my hand introduces herself. I follow her inside the car, and we drive away.
I remember crying.
Next memory is me lying in bed thinking of my mom, crying out for her. Not understanding why she isn’t there to tuck me in at night, and a lullaby pops into my head, a song where an elephant mother sings her baby elephant to sleep, and I cry even harder, wishing my mom was there to tuck me in too.
When I was 5 years old, my gypsy moms brother died in Serbia, and as tradition says she had to go to the funeral and be there 40 days.
She wanted to take me with her, but a friend of hers in Denmark told her it wasn’t a smart idea to take me with her, because I would get upset seeing everyone crying, so she offered I could stay with her.
So my mom went thinking I was safe and happy back here in Denmark, what she didn’t expect to happen, was when she got back I would be in foster care, and the little happy girl she left was now traumatized by her leaving.
What happened at my mom’s friend’s house?
Well I remember not feeling safe. I was later told I was too scared to go to the bathroom or even eat. My dad told me I called him, and that I cried saying I wanted to go home, and my mom’s friend and my dad both called the state and got me placed into foster care.
Why wasn’t I put into my dad’s care ?
He wasn’t allowed to have me. He was deemed an alcoholic at the time, and only had me for one day a few hours every 14 days, and my mom had full custody of me.
At my foster parents house I didn’t feel any safer or happier, and it took a long time before I could feel safe again.
My mom came home, and I still remember glimpses of her, and me not being able to believe she was back.
I was told I drew pictures of an airplane crashing and my mom lying dead under it. I believed she was dead or had left me, and suddenly she was there, in front of me. So, I was hesitant, but also slightly hopeful.
I remember every day since I can remember I wanted nothing more than go home, to be with my mom, come back to live with her, but since she had left me the way she did, and the background she came from, the state didn’t trust her to not go away again, so they decided to place me in foster care every weekday and I was only allowed home in the weekends. This would go on until I was 18.
I had to lie a lot and tell the state since I can remember that I wanted to live with my foster parents, and that I was happy there.
I never was. It was a struggle for me trying to keep it hidden, that I cared for them, that I loved them, but the truth was, I was terrified of them.
They told me on several occasions that if I didn’t want to live there, I wouldn’t go back to my mom, I would be transferred to another family across country, and they wouldn’t be as nice to me.
I don’t remember how old I was, but I have an early entry in my journal when I was 12 where I wrote that my foster father sexually abused me, but I’m very certain I was a lot younger when it first started. It went on until I was 17.
And my foster mother was very strict. I was never hit, but they used fear tactics on me.
I was shouted at, if I didn’t eat my ice cream the right way, she would grab my chin and make me look into her eyes, while she reprimanded me to eat my ice cream and not lick it as a child would. I was 8 or 9 at the time.
They would shout at me if I ate too much at dinner or too little. I would get shouted at if I did my hair wrong or picked clothes they didn’t approve of. I was shouted at because I choose to spend more time reading then seeing my friends.
I remember when I fell and got a cruciate ligament injury, and I told my foster mother it really hurt in my knee, she was telling me off for being a hypochondriac until we went to see the doctor and he told her about my injury and that I had to get surgery.
I learned after that, to toughen up when I wasn’t feeling well, so I often went to school with a fever or other pains. I just said I was feeling fine.
I once had an astrology book that my dad gave me, and I loved reading it, and telling people about what I read.
One day I told my foster mother about her star sign the Leo, and she told me I had become obsessed with astrology and that she would take the book away, and if I ever read about astrology again she would burn the book.
The book was precious to me since it was a gift from my dad, so I never spoke about astrology in front of her again, and I longed for the day I would turn 18 so I would get my book back.
I have more stories like this.
Lying became second nature to me. I lied to avoid confrontations with them, I lied if I thought they would prefer another answer to the truth.
I tried so hard to please them, so I didn’t have to get into any confrontations with them. Fighting with them scared me, even when I was 17 years old, I was terrified of making them angry.
I believed the things they told me. That if I hadn’t moved in with them, I would end up like my mother, and father. On welfare.
I learned I couldn’t be myself. I had to be different people to please everyone around me.
What everyone saw was a girl who always had a smile on her lips, a happy girl. But it was my mask. Behind the smile was fear, shame, sadness and so many dark emotions, I buried every day.
I couldn’t let my emotions slip out, because then the lie I had lived with for so long would slip out too.
It was only in the weekends and when I was at school, I could be myself. It was where I could be relatively free.
In the weekdays I would spend most of my time with my nose in a book, reading, trying to forget how I was feeling, and I managed to put most of it in a box, being able to lie to myself, that I was fine.
Every Friday I was filled with joy, I was going home to see my mom, and every Monday I was filled with dread, I was going back to my foster parents.
I did have some good memories with them too, and in those moment’s, it wasn’t too hard living with them, but the bad moments, made me long for the day where I would turn 18 and be free.
I went to see a therapist not too long ago, and she told me a harsh reality that gave me the answer to why I’ve been struggling so much with pulling myself up, from bad times in my life.
She told me I’ve been lacking self-esteem, and that self-esteem is something we develop in our childhood. It’s what makes us feel rooted, and feel that we are okay, and be able to pull ourselves back up from adversity in our lives.
I’ve never managed to grow my self-esteem.
I think it’s because of how I grew up. When I turned 18 I had to figure out on a massive scale what I liked and didn’t like. I’ve been so used to pleasing everyone around me, that I never stopped to think about what I liked or who I was.
It’s still something I struggle with, but it’s been easier with age getting to know myself.
What has followed me since I was a kid up until now, is that I really care about people around me. I love interacting with people, being social. Making people smile is one of the biggest joys of my life.
One of the biggest things, that helped me through my childhood, was my imagination, and learning to look at the positive side of life. When there was only darkness around, I learned to see a little light in the small things. I think that’s why I managed to go on for so long lying to myself and everyone around me.
I remember when I was riding my bike home and I was terrified of the dark, I would sing, and if it didn’t help, I would sing louder until it worked, and the fear would vanish.
I remember at night, when I was scared off monsters coming into my bed, I would build a fortress of teddy bears, to keep me safe. I think I had 20 teddy bears all surrounding me while I was sleeping, because it would make me feel a lot safer.
I spend a lot of time reading fairy tales about princesses and princes living happily ever after. I had a lot of friends, that I loved spending time with at school even though I never really went to visit them after school. I had something I looked forward too every day.
And when I was 18 I got out, not the way I imagined, but I got out, and I learned to stay true to myself, and keep seeing the positive in small things.
Its tradition to make new year resolutions, but is there a tradition to self reflect on the year that has gone by?
What did 2019 bring you ?
Ive learned one thing from my 34 years of life and that is time goes by fast, every year comes and goes, but do we ever stop and reflect on what the one year gave us?
Whether its new experiences, bad or good ones, new people you just meet or having to say goodbye to some.
For me 2019 was a great year, it started rough, with me still getting over my past relationship, but when spring came around, I was feeling like myself again, with a new energy boost to do new things.
I started streaming my games for the first time in the summer, and found my passion for it.
It was the year of trying things I was too scared of trying before.
It was the year of ted talks and watching psychology lectures on you tube.
I meet my boyfriend in 2019 and went to visit him for the first time in the fall.
I meet a few friends, who became very close, and went to see one of them as well.
The biggest thing I gained this year, was letting myself be brave and just jump into new things without worrying about it to much, and just let things happen.
You never know what hand life deals you, but its how you handle it that matters.
And I sit here, reflecting on 2019 and I’m feeling proud of how I handled the rough situations that got thrown my way, and how I choose to keep moving forward instead of standing still, even when I felt scared or worried, I managed to keep walking.
I’m thankful of the support I had from my friends in the early 2019 when I was going though my rough period, I know I wasn’t always easy to be around, but they kept me strong and positive, that everything would work out.
I think for me instead of making resolutions I’m going to make it my own tradition to instead turn to what did the last year give me instead and be thankful of that experience.
We don’t know how many years we get, so we should cherish every one of them.
Even if one year turns out to be the roughest of all years in your life, it still teaches you something, whether it was your own strength, to get through that year or the support from friends, family.
I’m excited for 2020 but I’m also a little sad to see 2019 leave.
How do you feel about 2019?
And what was your best memory from 2019?
A screenshot of the guild I was in after we killed one of the bosses in World of Warcraft A screenshot of me and my friends chilling before our dungeon runA screenshot of me and one of my close friends I meet this year, the awesome Fangslice 😀A screenshot of me and my Boyfriend in game, when we first started dating
Here´s a few screenshots of some of my best days of 2019, with my friends, and my boyfriend.
One thing I also had the courage to do, was to dye my hair purple
One thing I also had the courage to do, was to dye my hair purple
So 2019 was a great year for me 🙂
Cant wait to see what 2020 brings.
Happy New year guys and girls out there in the world, may the next year be awesome for each and everyone of you ❤
Missfaylyn 