My time dealing with anxiety, panic attacks and isolation, and how I got through it

Around 8 years ago I had just been diagnosed with 3 personality disorders, partial borderline disorder, avoidant personality disorder and social anxiety disorder, and was told I still had some symptoms of PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder)

What is Borderline, avoidant personality disorder and social anxiety disorder.

Borderline personality Disorder:

Borderline is a personality disorder. It’s a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others. It causes problems functioning in everyday life. You have self-image issues, difficulty managing emotions and behavior, and have unstable relationships.

Symptoms are

An intense fear of abandonment

Unstable relationships, idealizing a person one moment and the next suddenly fearing the person doesn’t care or is cruel.

Rapid changes in self-image, and identity.

Periods of stress related paranoia and loss of contact with reality.

Wide mood swings

Ongoing feeling of emptiness.

Self-hurt and suicide threats.

Social anxiety personality disorder

Irrational fear of being watched, judged, or embarrassing, humiliating themselves.

The anxiety and discomfort become so extreme that it interferes with daily functioning.

Symptoms:

Racing heart

Fearing situations with strangers

Worrying others will judge you

Thinking others will notice your anxiety.

Profuse sweating blushing

Trembling hands

Muscle tension

Avoidant personality disorder:

Sensitive to rejection. People with APD show a pattern of avoidance due to fear of rejection and disapproval, which they experience as extremely painful.

Symptoms:

Social inhibition

Hypersensitive to negative evaluation.

Anxiety about saying the wrong thing.

Self-isolation.

Fearful and tense demeanor.

The list of symptoms is long, and I remember the more I read about it, the more I felt I was worthless and a massive hindrance to society and my family and friends.

I was at mostly at home, and at this point I was living in my apartment with my boyfriend from Scotland. I feared going out to shop for groceries, and I was living a life in isolation, hardly every talking to anyone.

When me and my boyfriend would argue I would end up sitting on my balcony thinking about suicide and scratching myself to get rid of the feeling of intense emotional pain. Physical pain seemed to take the edge of the emotional pain away but left me in a state of shame and guilt, because I was scaring my boyfriend with this reaction.

I had a psychiatrist at this point and was given antidepressant and anxiety medicine, but I had a severe reacting to the medication that made me itch for 3 days. It was so bad I couldn’t sleep and was at a constant discomfort.

Every time someone mentioned medicine after that, I would get panic attacks and start crying uncontrollably. I was terrified of another reaction to medicine.

My psychiatrist sent me to a group therapy for borderline instead.

It was a place to learn more about what borderline was and to have someone who was going through it to talk to.

One day at the class I remember this girl, she talked about her daily life and I felt so bad for her, until I realized I was in the exact same position of isolation and self-hurt.

I remember leaving the class of just feeling utterly hopeless. I just wanted to live a normal life, but everything was hard.

My mom and boyfriend followed me to class, because my social anxiety was so bad, fearing going out alone. The class had just ended, and I wanted a cigarette badly but noticed I had left my lighter at home. I asked my mom for a lighter, but she didn’t have one.

I was already feeling I had no control over my life and emotions, and not being in control of what I needed the most sent me into a rapid panic attack.

Suddenly I felt I couldn’t breathe; I was crying and felt a strong sensation of fear of being outside and that everyone was looking at me.

My boyfriend and my mother noticed my distress, and my mom got scared. I noticed this and felt shame, but all I could do was try to get my breathing sorted.

I was in the middle of the street, but all I could do was lie down, right there in the middle of the street.

Trying to get my breathing in order.

I was terrified, and I remember hearing people come over to my mom and ask if I was okay.

Eventually I got my breathing sorted but I was feeling pain in my stomach, my heart was racing and felt so shameful and fearful that the walk home was hard.

I didn’t come to the next borderline class, and it took my awhile until I got outside again.

Having a panic attack is scary and the one I had on the street was the worst I’ve experienced it.

After a few months I was told by my mentor that she thought I was highly sensitive instead of having borderline, and when I started thinking less of being one big personality disorder walking around, I started feeling better.

I suddenly felt I wasn’t as sick as I thought I was and going outside again became less problematic. Today I have no issues with interaction with others or going grocery shopping.

I learned its all about controlling my thoughts, and if I feel scared, I remember to take a few breaths and steady myself. I learned to just jump into situations instead of fearing them, if it turns into a bad experience, I deal with it when or if it happens, instead of being so scared before It happens.

The feeling of no control over my life, my emotions and thoughts was hard to go through, and I still remember the feeling of isolation, and feeling so worthless.

When I think back, I think of how far I’ve gotten today, and it helps me move forward when I have bad days where I’m more sensitive or if fear shows its ugly face again.

What got me through this event was stopping myself feeling like I only was my personality disorders, and there was nothing I could do to feel more normal.

I started focusing on what I needed and take a few risks of putting myself out there again. Talk to people again, socializing, doing things I had once feared, it helped.

Also learning to say no to what people wanted me to do if I felt I wasn’t ready for it, that helped.

I started meditation and working on mandalas to control my stress and negative thoughts. When I was painting those mandalas all you do is focus on the task at hand and the thoughts stop. Meditating helped with my stress.

Learning to focus on the small joys in life, a beautiful sunrise, listen to a good song, stuff like that, brought me back to feeling slightly more myself again.

It was a long up hill walk that time. That year, but eventually all my symptoms faded, and I no longer needed therapy.

I still have some issues with my stress level today, how it affects my body and I am still working on emotion control.

Struggling with amount of anxiety and isolation in those days, bad thoughts and my emotions all over the place back then, has today led me with the sensation of inner strength.

I’ve developed according to a lot of my past mentors and psychiatrist’s healthy survival mechanics, and I’ve done it myself mostly. Learning to focus on one thing at a time.

How I learned to deal with panic attacks:

Remember to breathe, in and out, long breaths, right from your stomach and out. I would hold my hand on my stomach to feel the breath going in and out from me and also focusing on breathing out, making sure it’s a long breath.

Do that until I feel calmer.

What is the situation that I fear, and how can I make myself more comfortable?

And then to my best capacity give myself what I need.

A small break on a bench somewhere quieter.

Giving myself some self-love, in the way I tell myself its going to be okay, and that I can control the situation.

I’ve learned to always carry either music or a book with me, since that helps me focus on something else then my negative thoughts.  

Learning how to stop my negative stream of thoughts with telling myself repeatedly, ill be okay.

Do this while I breathe in and out.

Focusing on your breath is super important I learned and can stop the panic attack so you don’t feel the physical discomfort of it, and focusing on something else, for me its music or reading, but it can be focusing on an object or go to your happy place inside your mind as well.

If I don’t have a book or music with me, I start humming quietly and think about something else. I try to find something to focus on, a painting or if I’m outside picking up a leaf or rock and hold it in my hand, feel its texture, and just feel it in my hand, it helps. Anything that can help you focus on something else then the panic attack and your negative thoughts.

How I deal with the feeling of worthlessness:

I realized that I wasn’t worthless. Being unemployed and having the issues I have doesn’t make me worthless. I’m loved by many and was never worthless. I still have a lot to give. I realized giving a smile to a stranger and have them smile back at you, is an amazing feeling. And the small things in life, can be enough.

You aren’t worthless, you always have something to give. Its just finding what it is. Start with smiling.

Then work from there.

Learn to self-love. Notice the strengths you have and focus on that. Are you a caring person?

That’s a strength.

 Are you good at something? Hone that skill and keep learning new things.

Notice when you get better at something and remember to praise yourself.

Remember if you have negative thoughts about yourself to always find something positive. It can be anything.

I was feeling so low that just me giving a smile to strangers was all I felt I could do at this point, and I worked on my self-worth from there.

How to stop feeling isolated.

This took a little longer to deal with and It started with for me, learning to socialize again with others online. I played a lot of online games, but hardly ever talked to anyone at this point and to feel less isolated I started joining voice coms like team speak back then and started raiding in world of warcraft. This helped massively and I suddenly felt a sense of belonging and connecting with others, creating friendships.

It was a hard step since I still feared being around strangers, and still worried people wouldn’t like me, but why it helped me socializing online was I could control when to socialize and when I had to leave a conversation. It could be done with just one click with my mouse, and I would never have to leave my comfort zone, which was my home at this point.

I forced myself to go out more, go out to eat, go out with my mom and boyfriend grocery shopping, take long walks, and always made sure to bring some sort of comfort with me which was my books and music. If I could feel it became to much I would make sure to go home, I never pushed myself too hard, made sure I was ready for it, and that I was in control of where we went and for how long.

Being around other people, it can help massively and also learning to open up about your isolation. Talk to someone about it and have people around you understand your fears and have them support you if you need it.

I started going for walks with my mentor, and it helped.

Its about being brave and taking the leap but start slow. Think about how you can start and what you feel comfortable with. Be a little braver next time, and take a bigger step, and soon I ended up traveling alone, which was something I could never imagine myself being brave enough to do.

Important thing is to start somewhere, even if it starts with a small step, like I did when I started being around others online and then took it to socializing with others outside.

How I dealt with the fear of what others thought of me:

I used to be terrified of making a bad first impression, I felt so scared of what people thought of me. I remember being outside on a summer day wearing a big winter coat not because I was freezing but so I could put my hood up and try to hide in public, I felt everyone could watch through me and see I was scared, and that I was different. If someone was laughing, I immediately thought they were laughing at me.

I learned to deal with this fear when I accepted that not everyone was going to like me or even have a good impression with me and be okay with that thought. I told myself, that if people got to know me better, they would start to like me, and even if they didn’t that was okay too. I had people who cared and loved me for me and learning to love myself gave me the comfort to stop caring so much about what everyone else thought of me.

Once I learned to stop caring less about this, I learned to feel more relaxed in public and could walk down the street smiling and humming to my music, and I noticed people around me smiling back.

Its all about your thoughts about yourself and how to control the negative thoughts. You often feel that people see more that they in reality see. Its mostly just irrational fear, and when you realize that it is just that, it helps.

I learned to think about what ifs then what. Ill give you an example

What if someone is laughing at me?

Did I look a little silly? Then acknowledge the humor of it and laugh at it too, embrace it, but do it with self-love. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Learn to laugh lovingly at yourself and realize we all do something silly from time to time. Doesn’t mean they don’t like you. Laughing is just a reaction and it isn’t always meant as something bad.

What if someone doesn’t like me?

Then acknowledge that not everyone will like you, and that it is okay, they just don’t know you yet. There will always be some who will like you, and its those you want to hang around with. We are all different and don’t all get along, that’s okay. Give yourself the love instead of expecting others to give it to you. You can’t control how others think of you, but you can control how you think about yourself.

What if someone hurts me, shouts at me or are rude, mean?

You can always leave a social interaction, if someone is mean, shouts or are rude to you, then walk away.

Realize that they might just have a really bad day and use you to lash out. That isn’t okay, but realize it most likely has nothing to do with you.

Online I learned there are a lot of people who will be a little mean or rude towards you, and I learned quickly how to not take it personally and instead react with positiveness instead of being mean back or take it personally. I would say to them, I can see you are having a bad day and I hope the rest of your day will be better, and send them a smile, or in game emote of a smile, and if they still react rudely towards you leave the conversation.

You don’t have to take it. You can always leave. Its important if it affects you negatively to give yourself some self-love by telling yourself its not about you, and that you are okay. Telling yourself its not true and start thinking of the positives instead of the negatives.

Everyone has bad days sometimes, and some will lash out at others, that just happens sadly sometimes. But once you can control how you react to it, its all good.

Having these what ifs reactions, has made me feel a lot safer being around people and socializing with others.

I feel I’m in control now, and that I have a way to deal with the negatives if they happen. Thing is I realized; they happen so rarely that I hardly ever have to use my what ifs.

It just amplifies the thought that its just in my head the fear, its irrational, and mostly about how I fear what would happen, and trying to avoid those situations.

You can’t control avoiding those situations, but you can control if it happens, then what, and once I learned that I no longer fear it.

I also learned a very big thing from my bad experiences back then.

I realized I had hit rock bottom, and there was nothing left to loose, I was so isolated and was in a state of constant fear that I felt I was a robot just going through life not really living it, and there was only one way out of it, and that was crawling back up from the pit of despair I was in. I stopped being so scared of feeling in pain, because this was normal to me, and it couldn’t get worse, so taking the first step up made me feel more alive then I had in years.

Since then I still use the saying when I hit rock bottom again.

There is always light at the end of the tunnel.

This saying helped me keep moving forward, in hope that sunshine will hit my life again, and that things will get better, and it always does.

Yes, sometimes I’ll be right back in that dark tunnel again, but I always comfort myself that I survive more, and I’m still breathing and alive. It didn’t kill me just made me stronger.

I might not be rich or have a job, but I got my inner strength and I know I can survive anything life throws at me now.

In a way I’m thankful of the experience of hitting rock bottom, because I know now that no matter what ill be okay, and that I will always get through it.

There is always hope. Even if it feels like there is no hope left.

Find the positives and focus on that. Every time you had a negative thought find something positive, even if its just a small thing, focus on that and keep moving forward. Life will once again smile upon you again.

I still have a long road a head of me, I’m still dealing with some residual effects of my disorders. Stress is still bad for me, but most of my symptoms are gone, with some hard work and change in how I think about myself, I now have hope that once I will be able to work, and that I can accomplish my dreams. A little bit of hard work and keeping myself comfortable and safe, is all it takes.

One small step at a time.

It’s nice to be back home from my holiday I’ve missed writing blog posts, and will be posting more in the next few days…

Have a nice day everyone 🙂

My biggest fear when I travel. Toilets!

There isn’t a lot that effects me when I travel. Only 1 thing and it’s the simplest thing of going to the bathroom. Why is this such a big fear for me? When I was a little girl, I would rather pee my own pants then use the restrooms at the shopping center. My mom had to rush home eveytime we where out and I had to pee because I refused to go. This has always followed me to the extent that I just can’t go when I’m out until last minute. This is a problem when I’m out travelling since I won’t see my own bathroom for days. Using my boyfriends bathroom is okay. But I’m still super aware of the negative thoughts rushing through my mind. Like what if he can hear me pee. Embarrassing. Or when I have to poop God forbid if it smells. I suffer from ibs and this doesn’t make it easier. It’s the constipated version of ibs. Ibs is irrateble bowel syndrome and you feel it as either having dierhea or feeling constipated for days. You get cramps and feel bloated. I can’t go for days when I have it and even farting I don’t do a lot. Just won’t happen. So I have to sit on the toilet longer to get it out or I feel more pain. My ibs only normally flares up when I’m stressed and not being around my own toilet makes me feel stressed. It’s a vicious cycle. I have a few ways of dealing with going to the bathroom. If the fear is bad, I listen to music and just get the deed done as quickly as I can. I close my eyes and pretend I’m somewhere else. I hum a little, calms me down. And I feel a lot calmer if there is a lock on the door. I’ve always been super paranoid if someone would walk in while I’m in the bathroom. I would rather have someone walk in on me while I’m butt naked then me on the toilet. But that’s how embarrassing I find it. I keep asking my self why do I find it so embarrassing having to go to the bathroom. It’s the most natural thing in the world and we all have to go. I once meet a woman who told me that she was once admitted into the hospital for holding in her bowel movements for too long because she didn’t want to go in front of her new husband. After hearing that story I make sure that won’t be me and I deal with my fear the best I can by going when I have to go and try and make it feel as safe as possible. The funny thing is I dond mind people farting or doing there business it’s only when it comes to me I feel this way. I worry too much what people think of me when I go to the bathroom and my. Rational head tells me that they properly dont think anything of it. That’s its just me overthinking it. I’m slightly better at taking better care of myself of not holding it in too long and being more open about it but I can’t do much about my ibs and my body just refusing to go when I need to. So annoying pain is something I still have to suffer through when I’m out traveling. So far though its been an amazing Holiday and it’s been like living the dream seeing my boyfriend and my friend. Still got atlaest another week here. I’m writing this post from my phone making it look great is challenging.

How to take care of myself when I travel

I’m going on a vacation tomorrow to see my friends and my boyfriend in the UK, and I’m super excited.

I love traveling, experiencing a different culture and country. Seeing new things, tasting new food.

I’ve been in the UK many times, and it feels more like my own country then Denmark does.

I love the culture there, and the food is amazing.

Fish and chips, Sticky Toffee pudding, and the fizzy drinks it’s the best.

Though I’m really excited to travel I’m also in super alert mode.

From experience I never get a lot of sleep, my mind is filled with a million thoughts of how the travel would go, if I remembered to pack everything, and what happens if I’m late to the plane or its cancelled.

I’m almost certain everyone feels this way when we travel some where new, but I really wish I would be better at getting the sleep necessary for the journey.

I’m not sure If its because I’m HSP or just super nervous about traveling but sleeping enough before something important is basically impossible for me.

I have to sneak in small naps and do small preparations to get the sleep necessary. Like sleeping when I’m in the plane, get a little shut eye in the train and so on.

On purpose I went to bed last night early and woke myself up early so I would be tired tonight. Hopefully it helps.

I used to have fears when I was about to travel somewhere new.

I travel alone, but thoughts like what if the plain crashes, and its in the middle of the ocean?

Or what if the train is delayed and I miss my plane?

What if I get robbed of my passport and money before I hit the airport or on the way back?

This used to be a big issue for me when I was traveling in the past, and it almost made me too fearful of traveling, but I found a good strategy, for all the possible bad scenarios, and that is figure out a solution if it happens, before it ever happens.

If my plane crashes, Trust the people on the plain to know what to do, the people who work there.

My plane before lift off. Last time I was traveling. I always order the window seat so I can sleep better.

If the plane crashes and we all die, well I had a good run, and it was my time. Weirdly enough that thought comforts me enough to not be so scared of the plane crashing.

If I’m late to the flight, I’ve made sure, I have money to take another flight which will be the same day or latest tomorrow. No harm done; I’ll just miss a few hours.

If I forget something, then I can buy it over there.

If I lose my money or passport, I’m sure my friends would help me out, the Danish embassy, and my bank.

So, I’m confident it will be fine, I got a plan. Even for the craziest thoughts. I taught myself to find a solution to even the worst possible outcomes.

It still doesn’t stop me from thinking the million thoughts, and sleep doesn’t come easy, but the fear is gone. Every time I feel fear, I just check off my plan in my head, and I feel calmer.

Feeling overwhelmed in a crowded space is also one of my issues when I’m traveling. I feel on alert mode constantly and feel completely drained at the end of the journey. Its not uncommon it takes me a few days to feel more relaxed.

I have a few things that helps me feel it less in a crowded space. Listen to loud music to drown some of the voices and noise out or read a book. These 2 things work wonders for me.

Feeling too overwhelmed by being in a crowded space doesn’t have the best effect on my body. I often feel stomach cramps, my IBS flares up. (Irritable bowel syndrome), My heart races like crazy, and I get muscle cramps, followed by headaches and what not. I try to treat myself to some peace and quiet once and a while. Be able to zone out, and recharge when I feel too overwhelmed can help these symptoms. I travel early in the morning the first day which normally means its less busy.

I have to mention my book again, reading gives me the option to zone out completely when I’m standing in line. It helps a lot, being able to zone out like that.

Being an HSP you have to remember to take mini breaks, and go to a quiet space, and reading is my quiet space. If you don’t take the small breaks, being out among people for that many hours, where it can be rather chaotic with people running from one place to the other, being busy, it’s a lot.

And I’m sure that’s why my body reacts so strongly to this.

Though I still love traveling even for the crazy thoughts, the no sleep, and the feeling overwhelmed by my surroundings.

Me on the Danish train on my last travel to the UK. They are really comfy the seats, and got loads of leg room. I always go for the window seat so I can look somewhere else to zone out. Being among a lot of people can easily overwhelm me.

Being out and seeing new things, is amazing. I love flying, feeling when it lifts off the ground and we are airborne, riding trains, and looking out at the scenery, the airport shops and food vendors. The look on people’s faces, who are excited to travel. Its an adventure every time.

So who do you relax your mind before you travel and when you are on the road?

What works for me is

  • Tell myself its going to be okay
  • make a plan for worst case scenarios
  • make a check list and cross it off before and after you have packed.
  • double check just in case
  • rest my thought after Ive packed that I got everything and If I did forget anything remind myself that ill just buy it when I’m there

How do I relax when I’m on the road?

  • Read a book, even if I’m standing in a line
  • Look out the window at the scenery
  • listen to music
  • Go to a more quiet space, like the bathroom

So yeah ill be away for 2 wonderful weeks, so I won’t be writing new posts for a while, but when I get back ill have pictures and new stories to tell.

Have a wonderful evening, and may your travels be relaxing and a good adventure.

How do you survive Heartbreak

I’ve had a few heartbreaks in my life, and it’s always been really painful.

Heartbreak is different from person to person, and in my case different from relationship to relationship.

I always thought it would get easier after the first, but it only seems to get harder and harder every time.

Science says it’s called heartbreak because it feels like your heart breaks after you lose a loved one. After a relationship has ended.

Apparently, there is something called broken heart syndrome that can make you heart stop beating and in worst case you can die from it.

I never knew this, until I googled heartbreak.

I remember the pain still.

Not being able to sleep, or feel disgusted by food, and just the feeling of utterly hopelessness. The what now feeling.

Losing someone will always hurt and if you where close to that person, if it was someone you thought you where going to marry, that they where your whole world, how do you keep moving forward after that loss.

I didn’t think I ever would, I didn’t think I could ever smile or laugh again.

I remember dreaming about my ex’s in my dream, and wake up smiling, realizing it was just a dream and the smile quickly turning into tears.

When I was upset the need to talk to them like I used to. To feel loved by them and comforted by them, and then realizing I couldn’t because it was over, and we weren’t even friends anymore.

Days passing by and feeling alone, and betrayed.

I remember I used to write them unsent letters, where I felt I at least could get a last say that way, talk to them in a way. It would help a little, and I still have those unsent letters on my computer.

I would write fiction, and try to direct my heartache into words, to let it all out.

A little piece of what I wrote when I was experiencing heartbreak

I remember for every heartbreak there is different stages you are in.

First is shock:

I remember sitting and waiting hoping for a text message or a phone call where he would say sorry and come back and talk it out, and we would get back together again. I couldn’t believe the words we had just said, it was just so sudden. Days would go by, and I would still be waiting, for that text or phone call that would never come.

Second stage is pain:

Then it would hit me, it really was over, he wasn’t going to call or text, he really meant it, it was over. I had lost him, my best friend, the guy I thought I was going to marry.

My heart would race, feeling like it was trying to jump out of my chest. I would feel it got hard to breathe, even move, and the only thing I could do to release the pain from my chest was to try and cry, and when I did cry it helped a little, but then the pain would start again once I stopped crying, and I would wait until I could get it released.

I wouldn’t be able to sleep, I remember only getting a few hours tops in a weeks’ time, and food would disgust me, having to force down an apple or a piece of toast.

When I feel heartbreak, I feel it hard.

I remember my friends and family getting worried about my sleep pattern and food habits and would tell me to go see a doctor for sleeping pills or order me to eat food.

I wouldn’t be a in nice place and would often snap at them, saying It didn’t matter and don’t you think I’ve already tried. And I did try. I was trying. It was just impossible to fall asleep at night because my chest would hurt and if I did fall asleep it was because I cried myself to sleep. If I did eat it was because I felt I had to and tried to eat slowly but I felt every bite was going to make me puke, and I just couldn’t, This was hard trying to explain to my family and my friends, because according to them, they never felt heartbreak this bad before.

Third stage is anger, and bargaining:

Then after several days of pain and guilt, I would get angry, finally.

I would get furious, and feel it was unfair.

It wasn’t fair to be treated this way. That we should have talked better, we should have ended it better, I deserved better.

I would be a little more alive then and be able to sleep and eat a little better. But with the anger comes stupid behavior, and I would try and reach out, not always in a nice way, but as a storm of emotions, and its never a good idea, and wasn’t in these cases either. It didn’t go well, and I would get right back to pain and sadness again and feeling guilty.

Fourth stage Depression:

Then I would realize it was over but also accept it, and depression would hit me. Or feeling depressed. I would go into a state where I just didn’t care about anything, and just do my routine of eating sleeping, listening to music and sing along to it.

I wouldn’t be very sociable and would often just do the above. Eat, sleep, sing. Next day, eat, sleep sing.

After a while, after the pain numbed down a little, I would play rocket league, or other games on my computer, or log into world of Warcraft and watch trade chat.

Fifth stage Acceptance:

After a while In a depressive state, where I just wouldn’t care about anything I would slowly feel less pain, and I would come to terms with what happened, and that there is only one way forward, that I had to keep moving and that one day I would be fine again.

Yes, I had lost him, but the world didn’t end, and I would get up, and start socializing again.

So, I would get back up on the horse, and talk to my friends again, play the games I used to, and fill my days with more then just eat sleep and sing.

I would also start feeling hope for tomorrow, and start to feel like myself again slowly, but also feeling proud I had survived the pain of a loss.

A few months after I would finally be able to see the breakup more clearly and look outside of the rose-tinted classes I had on in the relationship. That it was the right thing to do, and that we just weren’t meant to be, that I cherished the memories but we both did wrong in the relationship, and that it was something I could learn from.

When you are in the relationship its really hard to be objective and you only see things with love, but it doesn’t mean that it’s a healthy relationship, and I didn’t realize this until after a few months where I could finally be objective.

When I go into a relationship its hats on and get ready for a wild ride, I lose myself in the relationship and its all about the love for the person, and I tend to forget myself. I find it hard being honest to myself, if I’m not happy in the relationship. If you love someone, its hard realizing they aren’t treating you right or that your goals in life doesn’t align.

I always believed and part of me still wants to believe loving someone is enough, but I’ve learned that its not. A relationship is hard work and it requires you are a good match. When you fall in love with someone that can be hard to see, its only a few months later this shows its first signs, and I always choose to ignore those signs, because by then I love the person already.

I’ve had a few long relationships, and they have all ended in heartbreak.

The biggest thing I learned from it, is that I lost myself in the relationship, to the point where everything I did was, what he wanted to do, what I thought he wanted me to do, and I lost my identity.

After the breakups, I had to find myself again, and I always went back to my old ways, and feeling strong independent and confident.

I’m in a new relationship today and this is the first time I’ve managed to hold on to my own identity, and do what I want to do, and not just follow my boyfriend like a little lovesick puppy, and I’m really proud of myself for that.

It was my last relationship ending that made me realize I had to change my ways, since I had lost friendships and gave up on a lot of the things I liked doing.

Heartbreak sucks, and it will always hurt.

But in heartbreak we find truth about ourselves too. The good and the bad. Things we can change for next time.
I always make myself a promise when I experience heartbreak and that is never again. Never again to find love or fall in love again, but I’ve learned that it happens, and it will happen again.

The trick is to not be scared of it. Yes, it might end in another heartbreak, but it might not. If it does, you will still have the memories, and you will feel a little stronger for having survived it every time.

I don’t look back with regret. I’m happy I went through it because I learned so much from it, I have the amazing memories, and it led me to a new love.

I got to fall in love again, that’s always amazing. Experience new things and have another person to love.

I still care about my ex’s, and it’s not long ago, one of them messaged me again, after not having talked to him for 7 years, and he told me he was proud of me for writing this blog. Our last conversation had ended it anger, but now after 7 years we apologized, and talked about our lives today and where genuinely happy for each other.

So how do you survive heartbreak?

  • Have faith that one day it will make sense, and that you will get to love again and feel loved again.
  • Have faith there was a good reason for the relationship ending, it might not be visible right now, but one day it will make sense.
  • Take one day at a time, don’t think to far ahead. Looking into the future will only remind you of the future you planned with him, so take one day at a time, if that’s hard one hour or a minute. Take it slow and go down to survival mode. Treat yourself with what you need. If you need to sleep, sleep, eat when you feel the need, and tell people around you that you need some time, mostly everyone will understand and give you time to heal.
  • When it hurts too much, sing. It sounds crazy but singing releases endorphins and it helps numb the pain a little. Doesn’t matter if you sing badly, I can’t sing, but I put my headphones on and just sing along, have it so loud I can’t hear my singing.
  • If you feel you can’t talk to anyone or people don’t understand you. Get creative, write letters. Paint, write stories, play music.
  • Get those feelings out, if you hold them in too long, they will escape at inconvenient times, in public. I realized this when I suddenly burst out in tears or got angry and started shouting at someone. If you get them out before in your own private space, then its less likely it will happen as an awkward outburst.
  • Talk to friends and family about how you feel. That can help too. Its not always they will understand but they will most likely be there, to listen.
  • Surround yourself with people.

I had a friend who just sat with me in silence when I was hurting, just knowing he was there, even though we didn’t really say anything gave me great comfort, because I felt less alone, and the hours passed easier that way.

This is how I dealt with heartbreak and it helped big time.

How do you deal with heartbreak? Feel free to comment down below 🙂

Ghosts

Ghosts – Part 3 of spirituality, read part two my superpower is, and part one Intuition.

a picture of my gypsy family, I had a little fun editing it in photoshop. Seeing or believing in spirits is part of gypsy culture.

I come from a family where seeing ghost or sensing spirits is normal.

My mom’s gypsy family are very spiritual, and seeing or sensing spirits of loved ones is normal to them

They believe when a person dies that the spirit lingers for at least 40 days and will come to visit either in spirit, in a shape of an animal suddenly appearing and acting out of nature, or as a soft breeze that can’t be explained.

Every family member I have, has had several stories of their own to tell. Seeing our loved ones or seeing other spirits.

My grandmother was known to speak with the dead. I didn’t know of this until she died, and my mom told me the stories of my grandmother shouting at someone who wasn’t there to leave her and her kids alone at home, but that she would talk to them another day. She didn’t want to scare the kids my mom told me.

When my grandmother died, I still swear to this day I saw her outside my window, she was smiling at me, and looked almost see through. I was terrified and told my mom, and my mom said she had seen the same.

Several members of my family had sensed something when my grandmother had died.

According to my mom she still believes her brother came to visit them in the shape of a rat.

My father who is Danish and a firm believer of science, swears he saw a ghost one night. Him and his friends saw a grey looking lady, and she had walked right through them. They all saw the same thing and where feeling terrified, they later found out that the place they had seen the grey lady had history. My father swears he saw my grandfather too when he died, and my grandmother, from my dads’ side.

I know that seeing ghosts isn’t scientific at all, its about belief, and I can’t talk from what other people experiences, but what I saw I have no question in my mind in what I saw. The feeling I had when I saw my grandmother, there was a sense of peace around her. I knew she was just here to say she was safe and okay, and happy, and everyone of my family members shared the same feeling when they saw her.

We have this inside joke in my family that we tell each other that we will come and visit everyone in what shape or form when we die, that we choose, so they are prepared. Even though I know we are just joking I won’t be surprised if it does happen one day. I know my mom told me  she will come back and say hi by moving my dishes around to remind me to clean more, and if that happens in 50 years from now knock on wood, then I will be back here to write about it in my blog.

I believe in science, but I’m also aware that we can’t explain everything yet. My dad taught me that its important to question everything, until proven, and that’s what I do with everything in life.

I can’t say its fact until I can prove it, and I can’t really prove what I hear from others. I can prove or acknowledge what I experienced and saw, I can’t explain it in science, but it was what I saw and felt, there for its truth for me.

When it comes to what other people see or believe, I do believe what they tell me, since everyone I’ve talked to tells me with such conviction what they experienced, so why wouldn’t I believe that’s true to them.

Maybe its just wishful thinking, a trick of our minds, intuition, a freak event, we don’t know, but it’s a fun story to share.

What is your story ?

Do you believe in the supernatural?

Do you believe in spirituality?

This was the last part of my spirituality posts.

Spirituality is part of me. Its how I was raised, its what I experienced. I do seek to science first of all, but I’m open to what the naked eye cant see. I trust my intuition and my gut feeling, and I do believe in the stories my family tells me.

Why would anyone lie about these stories?

It could be scientifically proven but there are too many stories out there, so I do believe in more what we can see.

And its okay to believe in something that hasn’t been proved, that’s why its called belief, and not facts.

Because I saw my gran mother and because she looked so peaceful and happy, I know she is watching over me, I know everyone of our loved ones are happy somewhere, and still watching us, and one day that will be me, watching over my daughter and the people I love. I don’t know what happens after death, but I have faith that its not nothing, and that ill still be around in some way or form.

We all have our own beliefs, to comfort us for whats next after death.

My own personal belief is I believe or hope that I will one day be in a resting place, where I get to watch over my family members, until one day I’m ready to be reincarnated again.

Ive always had this strange feeling that I haven’t lived just once, and when I was at the spiritual house, they talked a lot about reincarnation. So that’s the faith that gives me comfort.

Because of this and my experiences with spirituality, I’m not scared of death, and I still feel my family are with me. Even though science tells me they are not. I guess in someway scientifically they are, they are a part of me, of my DNA, and that part will never die, and I have them with me, in my heart. In the memories I have of them, they live on. The photos and movie clips.

When it comes to intuition.

Trust your intuition

Trust your gut feeling.

It has never been a bad thing for me to trust mine, and I feel it has guided me on the path I am today.

My superpower is

Spirituality part 2, read previous post called intuition.

I have this superpower. I tease my boyfriend’s telling them the same stories I’m going to share today.

First my superpower lies in I can detect cheating, now to why I believe this is my superpower, and you can judge yourself what you think.

My first boyfriend.

I still remember the day as it was yesterday.

I said goodbye to him in the bus on the way home, and I still remember we kissed each other and said I love you.

He had a party to go to, and so did I with my friends.

We were supposed to meet up the next day and hang, but that night I was looking forward to going dancing with my friends.

At midnight that night, I had this feeling in my stomach that wouldn’t go away, I knew something was wrong and that tomorrow I would be crying. That something was very bad.

First, I have to explain, I never ever in my wildest imagination thought that my boyfriend would cheat on me, I never ever mistrusted him or had been jealous. We were both very honest about our feelings and both valued being honest with one another.

That night I just knew something was off. I got the feeling around midnight and looked at the time, to remember. I hoped the feeling would go away, I tried to dismiss it and to enjoy my evening out with my friends. I remember telling one of my friends, I have this feeling I can’t shake that something is wrong, I think my boyfriend did something bad.

I couldn’t shake the feeling and I couldn’t sleep after that. I remember I stayed up all night and, in the morning, I called him, he wouldn’t pick up, and it just increased my fear, I kept calling, and then I got him on the phone.

First thing I said was, I know you did something bad, and I want to know right now what it is.

He told me, he has been kissing a girl that night, and told me he was so very sorry, it wasn’t like him, but he suddenly had the feeling that he wanted to kiss her, and that he realized he was too young to be in a committed relationship. We were only 19 so I got it, and it hadn’t been an easy year, but my heart broke there and then.

I was also shocked that I knew. I had no reason to predict this would happen. I would never have had a clue. There were no tell signs, that he wasn’t happy, that he would cheat on me. He wasn’t that person.

But it had happened.

Second boyfriend:

Several years passed and I didn’t think about my intuition for years.

I was 7 months pregnant, and I was at home when my boyfriend was out with his friends, and I suddenly saw pictures inside my head. It came from nowhere and it knocked the air out of my chest. It was a bit blurry, but it was of my boyfriend kissing another girl.

Same thing happened again, and I was feeling frantic. Not again.

I knew with every fiber that it was true and the next hours was misery. Next day I got confirmation, he had cheated on me with the girl I had seen in a vision like state. I had no reason again to think this was going to happen. We did have a turbulent relationship. I was feeling depressed and he wasn’t himself, but we had just gotten engaged a month prior to this.

The first thing I remember saying to him when I got him on the phone was, you kissed a girl didn’t you?  And he had.

Same boyfriend a year after.

We had gotten back together, for our daughters sake, and I had finally forgiven him for the major deceit. The heartbreak had healed, and I was trusting him again. We weren’t living together, wanted to take it slow, but we saw each other on a frequent basis. One night I had the feeling again. Pictures again, this time more detailed. It’s like when you close your eyes, but you see pictures rolling inside your head so fast that it’s hard to keep up.

I saw him in bed, with another girl, she was blond. I saw the spreadsheet, all rolled up, them underneath it, the condoms I had gotten him on the nightstand. I even saw some of the clothes she had been wearing.

It scared me seeing this, and I hoped it wasn’t true.

Next day, he came over to see me and my daughter, and I remember telling him I wanted to talk to him, so we went for a walk.

I was calm, but inside I was so scared, that what I had seen was true. I didn’t want it to be true, not again. The last time it really hurt being cheated on, and I wasn’t ready for it again.

I remember saying. I know you cheated on me last night, I know she had blonde hair, I saw her clothes and really bob, let’s just call him bob for privacy reasons, You used the condoms I bought you as well? Please tell me it isn’t true.

He stopped and looked at me shocked, and in that moment, I knew, it was all true. It had happened.

He told me that it was true, and I asked him about the details, and every detail I had given was what had happened. Our condoms, she was blonde, and it was in his bed.

3rd boyfriend:

Years had passed, and I was in a new relationship. This time, it was with a guy from Scotland and we had been together for 4 – 5 years. We both sat in different rooms and played the computer. During the day we would go into each other to talk a little bit. I had told him my experience with my ex’s and being cheated on and he had promised me that he would never do this to me.

That night I went to bed, kissed him goodnight, said I love you.

I had a dream; it was so vivid. I dreamt about Texas and him wanting to go see a girl there, I dreamt she came here, and they started flirting in front of me, he was telling me in my dream that he wanted to go live with her.

When I woke up, first thing I said, was.

“You son of a B…., you cheated on me last night”

He looked at me with shock and said no. I didn’t stop I called him out and said I know its true, I had a dream.

And after a while he said it was true, he has been flirting with a girl from a Texas and they had been talking about going to see each other, both realizing they had feelings for one and another.

That was the last time I had any experiences like this, but after it had happened with accuracy 4 times, I have faith in my intuition. I still don’t know what it is, I can’t explain it with any science that I know of.  Believe me I’ve tried to understand why my intuition is so accurate, to show me pictures and details.

I have faith in that my intuition lets me in on the truth. I think if I hadn’t known about my boyfriend’s cheating until maybe months after it would have hurt so much more. Going through a betrayal like that, it hurts, and it’s hard to trust anyone again, but because I have this superpower I feel more at ease, somehow, I have faith in that I will know if it happens again, and because of that its easier for me to trust.

Either case, being cheated on is hurtful, and I cant imagine how I would feel if I had been deceived for months on end, and not know. I am thankful that my intuition protects me in that sense.

I do hope the last time was the last time ill ever experience being cheated on again, if not I know my intuition will let me know the second it happens.

Whats your super power ? 🙂

Next up Ghosts, part 3 of my spirituality blog.

Intuition

Spirituality – Part 1 Intuition

In this blog post I will write 3 parts.

This blog post was inspired of a friends blog, she wrote an amazing post about spirituality, and it inspired me to tell my story with my spirituality.

Thank you Chloe 🙂

I was raised to believe in spirituality. Both my mom and my father are spiritual.

My mom comes from a gypsy line where spirituality is a part of daily life.

Believing in what you can’t see with the naked eyed. Spirits, reading the future, intuition is all part of the gypsy culture.

On my dads’ side, he is more scientific inclined, but he told me of several events that he can’t explain with science but that he swears that he experienced.

Growing up I’ve always had a very strong intuition. I always felt I knew things without being able to explain it. I had frequent Déjà vu moments, dreams that came true, and I could sense things.

My friends knew that I had a spiritual background, being gypsy and they would sometimes tease me to tell their future.

I remember one night at my friends house, we where us 3 girls, teenagers, just giggling most of the night until one of us brought in a set of cards, and I thought it could be fun to try and read them their future so I did.

Out of nothing I started reading what I saw in the cards. Telling them about events that would unfold in their near future, detailed descriptions. I still remember that feeling I had, that I just knew. It was like I wasn’t in control of my words, they just came out, and I was even surprised of what I said.

It was my first time trying this and was mostly meant as a joke, but everything I had said came true. Within the next 24 hours, and it was things I wouldn’t have been able to predict with any scientific explanation.

This wouldn’t be the last time I had an experience like that.

Intuition:

Maybe its me being a highly sensitive person, with what they call depth of processing. Sensing subtleties in my surroundings that normally isn’t noticed by everyone else.

But my intuition has always been a guide to me. That gut feeling that something isn’t being said or that something is off.

I have because of my upbringing always learned to listen to that gut feeling, and I feel it has directed me to the truth.

Growing up until today I sense things, its subtle things, and I try to not dig deeper into the things I sense.

I feel after my many experiences with my intuition that I intrude on people’s privacy and that it wasn’t something that they wanted me to be aware off. I can feel when my friends are in love but hasn’t said it yet or even noticed. There was one time I was the first to notice a friend of mine was starting to have strong feelings for someone, and I told her, I thought it was great, but it was news to her. She hadn’t acknowledged those feelings yet, and I felt I had stepped over a line. Its hard to explain but I have several examples like that, over the years. It might just be me being highly sensitive, and having a strong intuition, but I still feel I know things that isn’t my place to know yet.

I remember from my times in town, I was out a lot around strangers, and going up to the bar or walking past someone, I would suddenly have a feeling I knew wasn’t my own, it was overwhelming to the point it scared me. I would feel anger all the sudden and 10 secs after, a guy with punch someone outside. Or I would feel intense feeling of love, and then this girl would walk over to her friend and tell her how in love she was.

It sounds simple when I describe it but the feeling I had, was so intense. I knew it wasn’t my feeling and the feeling of sudden anger, sadness or feeling in love would go away the minute I walked outside. I would feel like myself again, slightly more confused over what had just happened.

It went on for months and I felt it was getting out of control, I was in a very bad place in my life and I felt scared I was losing my mind. I said to myself I need to figure out how to stop this, and I had 2 choices, go see my doctor and tell him what I was feeling or go down to a newly opened spiritual house my dad asked me to go visit.

I was terrified of telling my doctor about this, I was scared he was going to tell me I was crazy. I felt I was going crazy.

I have never been spiritual in the same sense my family is, I do try to understand everything from a scientific point a view, but I couldn’t explain this.

I visited the spiritual house with my dad, and it was a place for people to practice the art of clairvoyance.

Now how do you practice that you might ask? It was simple, with intuition, learning how to listen to that voice inside you, and just say what’s on your mind. That’s what I learned.

Anyway, I told them my story, at the house, and I was told that if I went there every week, I would be able to learn how to control it, and if I wanted to, close it down.

I didn’t have a lot of faith in it to begin with but I after a while I learned it worked. I learned how to meditate, and how to close myself down.

What I was explained was that I was highly attuned to my intuition and I was getting signals, because I was open. It was normal if you were in bad place in your life to be a little more attuned to the paranormal, and that’s why I was feeling everything so intensely.

It wasn’t just people’s feelings that I felt during that time, I had also had a few encounters that I still can’t explain. A feeling when you go into a house and something bad happened there, or seeing shapes you cant explain. Some bad mojo, I had this feeling once in a church, I’ve never felt more scared then to be in that church, it just felt really bad. I couldn’t wait to get out of there, and the second I was outside the bad feeling went away in an instant.

I had another moment, just before me and my friends where sitting in a car to drive into town, of fear. I told my friend the driver before he even sat in the car, to please drive carefully. He told me to not worry he had never had any accidents, but the feeling wouldn’t go away and not 5 mins later we crashed the car. It was frosty that night and it was slippery, and he had lost control a second and we had hit a lamp post. The second we crashed the first thing I said was I knew it. It just slipped out. None of us where injured that night but the car was scrap at that point, couldn’t be salvaged.

Things like this, happened so often, and I couldn’t explain why, and that’s why I kept going to that spiritual place. I didn’t go because I wanted to become a clairvoyant or really believed in it, I just wanted to stop knowing things before it happened or stop feeling what other people felt.

I still don’t know what to believe so many years after. I don’t practice what I learned back then anymore, my intuition isn’t as strong as it used to be, because I feel I can control it better now. Being able to dismiss what I feel or sense and keep myself a little more oblivious to what I sense around me, it has given me a sense of peace.

When it really matters, I still feel things and when its important I listen.

I still have a friend that strongly believe I can tell fortunes, and she asks me to tell her fortune every time we go out to drink, and I do it as a party trick for fun, but she still swears that its true.

All I do is I get pictures, feelings when I hold an object or someone’s hand. I listen to the voice within and let it take over, and suddenly I’m saying things, that isn’t really me talking. Its not at all scientific and maybe its just intuition.

What they said at the spiritual house when they explained what spirituality is. It was simple.

Its being able to read energies, and everyone can do it, if they hone the skill enough. For them it was a science. It wasn’t about praying to any deities or sacrifice; it was just being able to read intuition and learning how to listen to the voice that everyone of us has within.

What does your intuition tell you ?

Do you listen to yours?

Part two is next up..

called My superpower is

How to feel more connected to people in your life

Today I’m going to write about something that I’ve noticed I have issues with, first I’m going to write about my emotions. I’ve covered a little about the extent of my emotions in previous posts, but never got to explain how greatly they impact me.

Emotions for me, is so ingrained in me, that it fills my daily life. I can’t hide from how I feel, If I’m sad, it shows, and it lasts hours sometimes, until its dealt with, same with anger, joy, every feeling out there.

Its heightened and feels like its too much.

I’ve been in situations where I watch the news and suddenly feel overwhelmingly sad about what I see, and I can’t stop crying all the sudden.

If someone says something to someone, that’s slightly insulting or hurtful and I can tell the person was upset by this, I get angry and I get snappy quickly. Even if it wasn’t about me, but I feel it, the anger building up. I feel the urge to protect that person’s feelings and I sometimes step out of line and snap at the offender. Even if it wasn’t something that affected the person a lot, but I sensed the hurt, even for a second, and its so hard not to act on.

I have to hold my emotions back a lot, because if I was to act them all out every day in public, people would get to see the extent of it.

Growing up I heard this sentence a lot from people around me.

You are too emotional Fay.

And hearing this has made me want to hide my emotions, because it was too much.

I’ve later learned that its part of being a highly sensitive person, and its just because I notice more subtleties in what other notices.

And it all affects me.

I feel it if someone cries in public, I feel that pain, take It in, and feel the urge to cry myself.

When someone is fighting its almost impossible to be in that room, and not do anything about it.

My senses feels heightened, and I feel stress when I hear conflict, and I get the urge to heal, repair, and intermediate the conflict quickly, but it’s not always my place to do this, and doing nothing is really hard for me.

But doing nothing is something you sometimes just have to do, let people resolve their own issues, or stand up for themselves.

I know this fact, so I do nothing, but doesn’t mean I don’t empathize. It follows me after, that feeling of anger, of hurt, still sits there. Nagging, until I deal with it, and when it becomes too much that’s where I have to go away and cry it out.

People see me upset, and they question it, and I do what I normally do and say the 2 words I’m so used to saying.

I’m fine.

its always easier saying you are fine when you aren’t but its not the best words to say, instead say the truth. Say how you really feel, people are gonna feel closer to you if you do.

I can’t always explain what’s happening inside of me. How I’m really feeling, because from experience, I’ve tried it before trying to explain why I suddenly feel upset, and that’s where I hear those 4 words. You are too emotional.

In saying the words I’m fine, and people see I’m not, its not always a good thing.

It creates distance and disconnect from people who cares about me.

One of the things I pride myself in, is that I love being there for the people I love, feeling I’m needed when they are upset about something. I take pride in when they come to me and ask me for comfort or to talk about something that bothers them, and I can help them smile again, and not to worry too much, but I’m not really giving them the same experience back, by hiding my own feelings away.

So, I’m taking away the good I feel in being there for someone from them.

I asked my friends a while back what is the worst thing about me, I was feeling curious and I was so surprised when they all said, the worst thing about you fay, is that you run. You run away when you are upset, and you don’t let anyone in.

I always thought I protected them from my feelings and that it initially was a good thing.  I would only be around if I was feeling happy and in that I could show them I could be the strong one, for them. Be there for them when they needed a shoulder to cry on.

But I did the opposite.

How can you expect anyone to come to you and share their emotions with you if you aren’t doing the same in return?

Its about letting yourself be vulnerable with people you love sometimes.

The people I feel mostly connected with in my life right now, Is the people I let in.

They saw me crying, they saw me consumed with anger, they saw all the crazy emotions I normally try to hide, and because of this I feel I can be myself completely with them, I don’t have to hide behind my walls and pretend I’m fine.

They now understand if I act in a certain way, why I act this way. They understand.

Knowing that fact is freeing. To be yourself, both the bad and good, and still feel loved by them.

There have been occasions where I still run, but my close friends now tell me to come straight back and talk to them instead.

I’ve learned from this. To create a deeper meaningful relationship with someone you have to be honest about how you feel, let yourself be vulnerable, and let people see all of you, not just the good parts.

Its still a hard lesson to act out, because when I cry and I’m upset about something, and I hear the tone in my friend’s voice changing to worry, I feel that too. And I feel the urge to comfort them instead.

Having empathy is a good thing but it can also feel like a burden sometimes. It can be hard to feel so much all the time, and it can be hard for people around me to understand why I feel the way I do about things.

I have great self-care when it comes to dealing with my own emotions, but I still need to work on letting people in.

I have a little example.

I got into a new relationship half a year ago, and I love my boyfriend dearly.

I think we where a few months into our relationship, and I had a day where I was upset. I had heard a song on you tube, that had resonated with me deeply and I spent most of the night crying. I had remembered something from my past and I suddenly felt all of it again. The little girl missing her mother.

That evening I did what I normally do, and I hide, my boyfriend wrote me” you okay?”

And I said the two words.

I’m fine.

He then wrote me that if I can’t come talk to him when I’m upset that might be a problem in the future.

I suddenly realized I was doing it again.

I was running away again.

Not letting him in and only letting him see my walls.

When I go into a new relationship, I’m always a little terrified of showing them me. I fear they won’t understand, and I’m scared of rejection.

That night I called him and I told him, I had been crying because I had been listening to a song, that had upset me, the following days after I told him everything, about my past, me being highly sensitive, and some of the things I have issues with sometimes, and he was so understanding and didn’t run away screaming.

It’s still a little intimidating showing people around me all of me, and it’s a work in progress, but I learn a little more every day, and I don’t run away as often as I used to.

I’ve also learned you don’t need to explain everything when you are upset, you can do it in a sentence, and then people at least know what’s up.

Just by saying, hey, I’m just feeling a little sad at the moment but after a good cry ill be okay again.

That can be enough.

Sometimes the people close will still want to hear a little more and instead of running away talking to them about why you feel sad, can be healing.

On my roughest days talking to my close friends, helped me immensely.

One of my biggest examples I have on this, is when I had just gone through my breakup, and I was feeling guilty for having hurt my ex deeply, I talked to a friend of mine, and he told me “ Fay you are human, we all make mistakes, you can’t blame yourself for being human, instead of blaming yourself, learn from it and do differently if the situation happens again”

I had been beating myself up every day for a week, and I hadn’t talked to anyone about it. I was feeling so guilty and shameful that I hadn’t been able to sleep or eat, the only thing I cared about was that I had hurt someone I loved, and it made me feel like the most evil person alive, talking to my friend back then, made me realize that yes I had made a mistake. I wasn’t perfect and that is okay but wanting to be a better person and learning from your mistakes, is all it takes to be better.  

For years I always wanted to have deeper connections with the people around me, and I didn’t understand why I didn’t have that, why most of my friendship even the relationships I was in, felt like I wasn’t connected to them. It was in the subtleties, I felt how their voice suddenly changed, and I couldn’t understand why they couldn’t talk to me.

I could see they where upset, and I sensed they knew I was upset, but we never talked about it. It would be in the air, but we would be talking about everything else. Never going deeper into how we where feeling.

In that I never felt we where close.

I never understood.

Until now.

Now I see.

I wish I would have shared more with them, because If I had done so, maybe they would have shared more with me in return, and in that create a deeper meaningful connection.

I’ve always wanted to be seen as strong and being able to take care of myself, but sometimes strength comes from being vulnerable, allowing people around you to see you that way, and letting people be there for you.

That’s where the connection to them comes.

One of the most inspirational things I’ve learned about intimacy is.

Take the word intimacy, I’ve always thought it meant being romantically intimate with your partner, but intimacy, if you bend the words, in to me see. That’s what intimacy means to me. Being able to really see and feel a person, see everything about them, understand them that’s how you get close, and that’s how you feel connected to them.

We talk about self-care and how important it is to learn about taking care of yourself but how good are your connections with people around you. How much do you let people into your life?

And what is stopping you?

I didn’t let people really see me, or get close to me for two main reasons, rejection or fear of losing them. I also didn’t want to upset the people around me. I always thought if they saw me upset, they would be upset too, and yes there where upset by me being upset, but only because I never gave them the option of them being there for me. I took that away and in that, robbed them from feeling connected to me.

I also robbed myself from feeling a deeper meaningful connection with anyone, and I’ve learned it’s a lonely road.

Only sharing the good and never the bad.

Its how you isolate yourself from people, and that’s where you feel empty and lonely.

You might be good at self-care, but that’s only about surviving. Life is more then that, its about love, connection, and so much more.

We are social creatures, and we can’t go the road alone. We need people to be there, to sometimes hold our hands, and give us comfort and love, and do the same in return.

Share with your loved ones how you are feeling, don’t do what I did and hide it. It only creates disconnect.

Let them hold your hand, and love you for who you are.

Show them who you are, and trust that they will be there.

Thank you for reading, and have a nice evening out there ❤

Dreaming, a mirror into your unconscious mind

I had a little nap today. Before I went to bed, I’ve been struggling with thinking of a subject to write about. When I woke up it hit me, dreams.

A little something I made in Photoshop, brainstorming dreams.

Its something we all do so why is this an important topic?

Well my dreams are important to me.

They tell me so much about my mental state, they inspire me, they sometimes make me aware to take better care of myself.

I love my dreams. The nightmares I’m not a big fan off, but even the nightmares can inspire creativity or just a view into how I’m feeling.

Nightmares:

From when I suffered from PTSD until now, I rarely have the same nightmares as I did back then.

The nightmares I have now is more the typical ones.

Like dreams of falling or running away from a scary monster.

I think the most frequent nightmare I have now, is me standing on a chair and there are snakes all around the room. I really don’t like snakes.

There have been many occasions where I dream about fighting with my friends, or my boyfriend cheating on me, that’s just the fear I’ve had losing them coming to the surface. And when I have that dream it just reminds me how much I really care about them, and that its irrational fear just showing its face.

Then there are the stress dreams, that just reminds me to slow down.

It can be dreams of me running and never reaching my destination in time. I just keep running and I’m aware I’m late.

I had those dreams a lot when I was a guild master in my guild on wow, where I kept getting messages and they wouldn’t stop, something new I had to deal with a new problem arising that had to be fixed.

When I have those dreams it’s a clear indicator for me that I need to slow down what I’m doing and take a breather. My stress had been seeping into my unconscious mind and was trying to tell me something important, and its important to listen to those warning signs.

Good dreams:

I love the good dreams, the ones that make you wake up laughing.

When I’m starting to fall for someone its often its in my dreams that lets me in on that fact. I’ve often woken up from a dream and had the ah ha feeling, about my true feelings for someone. Of course, it’s also the butterflies and wanting to spend every waking moment with that person, but the dreams is normally for me an early sign something is up.

Having a good dream can often brighten your day.
I often remember what I dreamt and smile throughout the day if it was a funny or just an overall good dream.

Inspirational dreams:

Are my favorite ones. I love writing and being creative, and its often from waking from a dream I head over to my computer to write my stories, or come up with a unique idea that I suddenly want to learn more about flowers or something else I saw.

Its from those dreams I got inspired to write my blog.

I dream often, there isn’t a day I don’t remember something from my dream, a feeling or an image or several dreams throughout the night.

 I’ve had days where I remember up to 3 dreams.

Science tells you that everyone dreams every night, but its not everyone who remembers them often.

When I was younger, I used to keep a dream journal, and I would practice remembering my dreams.

The practice was to keep a book and pencil next to your nightstand and the second you wake up you would write down feelings, impressions and the pictures you remembered in your dream. You had to do it immediately after you wake up.

I don’t keep a journal anymore, but I wake up and lie in bed trying to put together what I dreamt and make meaning out of them. Sometimes its just a dream that doesn’t mean anything. Like the dreams you have when you just watched a movie last night and the events of that movie seeped into your unconscious and suddenly you are starring in that movie, it’s a cool dream but doesn’t mean much.

I’ve often dreamt about David tenant knocking on my door as the doctor, or another movie star.

I dream about my games a lot, I’ve often dreamt of my paladin, and fighting through the dungeons as her. I love those dreams, its like going on an adventure.

another picture I made in Photoshop. I often dream about my paladin Faydra

Or having dreamt of the dinosaurs in ark survival evolved and suddenly having to run away or tame them. I had those dreams every day for a while, and I swore I one day saw them in the forest while I was on a train ride to visit some friends.

My dreams keep my imagination alive.

You get to live and experience other worlds.

I’ve often had a dream and woken up from it, but still with eyes closed so I can be there in the pictures still and redirect them and continue the dream in a somewhat awake state. That’s the most exiting thing when I’m able to do that. It’s like being a director for your own movie.

Apparently, that’s called lucid dreaming.

So, I love dreaming, it’s a mirror into a side of me I’m not always aware of, and they have a lot of truth to them.

Being inspired, learning how to take better care of myself, listen to the warning signs my mind is telling me, and dreaming gives me creativity.

How do you feel about your dreams?

Do you remember your dreams?

Feel free to share down below if you do 😊

My days in Court.

This blog post is about a touchy subject, relating to my days in court and from having experienced sexual abuse growing up.

I haven’t talked about my court days a lot but I felt it was time, to put it out there. So here goes.

Read the post about having lived with PTSD to get more of the back story to this post.

I still remember the days in court, and I’m still filled with anger.

I had expected more of the court system and how it turned out left me distrusting the system.

It wasn’t fair and it did more damage then good.

I don’t regret taking my case to the court, I’m not upset that I lost, I’m angry how I was treated.

Backstory following up in short:

I was 18 years old; I had been living with sexual abuse from my foster father and had just escaped them.

To begin I didn’t want to go to court with it, I only called the police to get a restraining order against my foster father, and my foster mother, but the police officer told me I should make it into a case because what if he would do it again to others.

A thought occurred, that what if he would have more kids living with him, another girl, and it would be on me, if I didn’t try and prevent that.

So, I went down to the police station to file a report.

It was slightly terrifying and the police officer who interviewed me didn’t go gentle on me.

He told me after that he had to make sure I was telling the truth and that he got all the answers he needed to see if there was a case.

In sexual abuse cases its word against word, its almost impossible finding evidence that it happened, since no one normally witnesses it or records it.

He told me that he believed me and that he thought it was a case, it might be a hard win, but they would investigate it and see where it got us.

I was sent to talk to an attorney, and with her I meet a few times before the court was about to happened.

I had a few friends from back in my school days who I had told about the abuse, and the police found a woman at the club I went to as a teenager, who had been suspicious about something going on back then.

My diary was sent to evidence and everything was in order.

The days of the court arrived, and I was only there for a few hours of the 2 days It went on.

I had to testify, and I was there as moral support for when my friends had to testify.

When I got there, I was followed by my father my boyfriend and my layer, and he was there with all his family and friends.

The look on the faces I had once known as family was so cold, and I get it, it must have been a shock to find out I was taking this to court.

I had kept it a secret for years, and never expected my secret to get out, I never wanted any pain or distress on them, but I had to go through with it, for the fear of, what if he did it to others.

As they saw it, I was lying.

The day went on, and the atmosphere got more and more cold, it was horrible being there, sitting in the same room as them. My family versus their family.

My family and friends where well behaved, I had asked all of them to promise me they would be nice. No anger and no drama, I couldn’t take it. Just pretend all was fine. Even though it was hard for my dad and my boyfriend being there, I could tell.

But we had to trust in the justice system.

When my friends had to go to the bathroom they where pushed and taunted by his family, and no one was there to make sure everyone played nice. I’m still appalled that we all had to be in the same room.

I was sent in to testify to my story.

His layer went at me hard. He asked me “Fay I was told that you used to like making up stories as a kid, and that you wanted to be a writer, is that true?” I told him yes, I do want to be a writer, he then asked me if this was just another of my stories, accusing me of lying.

I was shocked that he was so direct and told him no, I wouldn’t lie about this. I had been asked of my layer to only say yes or no and answer as directly as I could. But it was hard, I got more and more upset about these questions.

I was asked if I was a good liar since I had been lying a lot when I was a kid.

I had tried to conceal the part in my journal that had talked about the abuse, since I had been terrified my foster mother had tried to read it when I was living there, so after I got out, I had carefully drawn back the lines.

They had found that out but didn’t believe that I had just drawn over the same words that it was written as back then.

When I was done testifying, I went away crying and when I got back out into the main room, everyone of his family was laughing and smiling that I was upset.

The next day arrived and it was time for a verdict, I didn’t have a lot of hope for anything at this point I just wanted it over with.

So, we all went into the room, and the verdict came, not guilty.

What I saw next is still horrifying me to this day.

All the judges (there where 3 I think) went over to my foster father, smiled and shook his hand, and then walked away, didn’t even take one look at me.

His family and friends where laughing smiling, roaring like it was a football match and someone had just scored.

I had expected some sort of justice to happen, at least some basic human decency that any behavior like that would be frowned upon or the guards would stop it. I especially didn’t expect the judges to pretend I wasn’t there and be treated as the violator not the victim in this case.

There is a couple of things I wish was different back then.

I had gotten some papers form my psychologist at the time, that I was suffering from PTSD, that evidence was disregarded by the court and wasn’t included in the case. My psychologist was shocked to know that fact.

It would have been a statement to testify that my emotional state wouldn’t just come from nothing and that it was clear I wasn’t lying.

The police officer I had talked to was convinced from the moment he had talked to my foster father that he was guilty.

He told me he had been a police officer in a long time, and he could tell these things now.

I wish those papers had reached the court, maybe it would have made a difference, maybe not. But the thing I wish for the most, is that the guards would have stepped in when his family where pushing around my friends, giving us death stares, and laughing when I had burst into tears.

I wish the judges had either been neutral to both of us or at least acknowledged I was there too. A human being who was in pain, a victim of a crime.

I later heard from some friends of his, that no longer spoke to my foster father, because they believed me, and had apparently themselves suspected something was off with that family, they told me that he was still a foster father to my foster brother, Nothing changed. They were still allowed  to have foster kids, even after my days in court.

I get why it’s a hard case to make and prove. Its not like anyone was in the room with me and my foster father when he did what he did, but the scars I wore mentally from the abuse lasted years, and he got off scotch free.

Worst part is that he is still allowed to be a foster father, but I can’t do anything about it. I tried, and I’m proud that I did go through those horrible days in court.

I did what I could, to try and prevent him from doing what he did to me, to another kid.

Most of the people who experience sexually abuse don’t go to court, and I read that the ones who does, its only around 30 % who wins the cases.

Other cases of abuse:

When I was growing up, my football coach liked slapping the girls in the ass, and some of the girls talked about that he would always be touching them inappropriately. We never told anyone.

He didn’t do it to me, but didn’t think much of it, since I grew up thinking this was normal behavior from a guy.

My dad’s friend tried to kiss me, a few times, I didn’t tell my dad until I was 20.

My mom’s gypsy friend would try to kiss and touch me when my mom was making coffee in the kitchen, I did tell her, and she stopped talking to him after.

I was under the age of 18 when this happened, around 15.

This isn’t the first time I’ve seen people like my foster father.

The statistic in Denmark says every 10 child experiences sexually abuse at some point in their lives.

When I look at my friends group growing up, I don’t think those numbers are far off.

I knew so many who had experienced the same.

One was sexually abused at an orphanage growing up. She started working with prostitution after and started taking drugs.

My niece was sexually abused by a German tourist at the playground.

My friends’ brother same story.

A colleague of mine was sexually abused by her stepdad,

A friend of mine also by her stepdad.

Another friend of mine sexually abused by her cousin.

The list is long, and only 2 on this list took it to court, one got dismissed as her lying, and the other one was convicted because he told the court the truth.

We hear so many stories, that its awful when a guy gets wrongfully accused and it can ruin his lives, but what about the victims in this. What If he gets off scotch free and nothing is done, and the victims gets treated like they were the criminals in this story.

I wish we had a better legal system where the victims at least where treated a little better in the court system, at least with some neutrality. I can’t imagine anyone would lie about being sexually abused.

I have known people saying there where sexually abused and then trying to take it back, like I did when I was younger because I felt ashamed and scared of telling the truth growing up.

Its still a touchy subject talking about my court days, I’m still angry at how it turned out, but I wouldn’t do it differently. I’m happy I tried to make a difference. I didn’t do it for myself, since from the beginning when I talked to the police officer and my layer, they told me it was a hard case to win. I didn’t do it for revenge, I was out of there, and would never have to experience it again, but I’m still worried that he might one day do it to someone else.

I think its important that as a society we keep addressing and talking openly about sexually abuse. It happens a lot more then we think it does, and its still a subject that’s ridden with silence.

Its not easy for the victims to talk about it, mostly out of fear of how people will react to it, if we can take that fear away maybe that would change things.

Everyone I knew who was affected by sexual abuse kept it quiet until they reached adulthood, or they told someone as a kid, but no one believed them or thought there where lying. If we can take that mistrust away would it make a difference.

And when it comes to the court system, we need to change it up. At least separate both parties so they don’t have to spend the time there in the same room, or at least have supervision.

That’s the story of my days in court. I will write more about the time after my court days and How I recovered from my past in another upcoming blog post.

I got this Tattoo when I was 22. Tavshed means Silence in danish, and it symbolizes to me that I put the silence behind me and that I will no longer stay silent when it comes to my past. The tattoo is on my left shoulder.