Emotions, a weakness or a strenght?

Part one…

This will be about how I grew up thinking and what I think about it today

How I grew up…

I grew up getting told I was too sensitive, that I was too emotional, and I learned very quickly that emotions where a bad thing.

It was only when I smiled, I felt accepted so putting up a smile was my way of showing my front to the world.

It became my mask.

I taught myself to never cry, and I did this so well that I don’t ever remember showing anyone that I cried.

I remember when I hurt my knee so badly at a soccer game, that I needed surgery, that I laughed when it happened.

I remember when I fell off my bike and broke my bike helmet in two, I didn’t cry, I laughed.

Everyone around me described me as always smiling and happy, but I wasn’t.

I had learned to hide everything I was feeling, because in my world, feelings weren’t accepted.

If I was angry I was taught to calm myself and get over it.

If I was sad I was taught to take a time out and come back when I was happy.

It was only when I was on my own, I shed tears, but mostly I would draw and write poems, and the drawings I drew where of a girl with her back watching the sea rise.

I remember I drew this a lot, and for me it was about a girl I read about in a story, a girl who wanted to walk into the ocean and drown herself. She watched the waves crashing and was trying to get the courage to walk into the sea.

I remember writing poems about death, because in secret I wanted to die.

In my teenage years I was so used to hiding how I felt that I believed that I was fine, and if I wasn’t I would just put it into the box of concealed emotions.

Me as a baby. A few years later I learned to hide my emotions from the world

When I was 18 it all crumbled.

When I was 18 I was diagnosed with PTSD, I was dealing with trauma, and the box of emotions I had hid for many years it opened, and suddenly I found myself not being able to hide any of them anymore.

I would burst into tears every where I went, in the classroom, in the street, I would get the feeling of uncontrolled anger bursts, and I didn’t know how to handle any of it.

I wanted to put it into the box again, but my body wouldn’t let me. Every time I tried it would magnify the feeling I had and leave me embarrassed.

When I had my emotional outbursts, I instead learned to flee. I ran from class, I ran from my friends, boyfriend, I did everything I could to avoid the subject of talking about my emotions, and just give them the I’m fine speech.  

I didn’t know how to handle my emotions because no one had ever taught me how.

I was never taught emotional control I had only taught myself how to bury them.

Me at 18, I was going through PTSD at this point, and I had before become and expert in hiding every emotions. I hid behind my smile, and thats how everyone saw me as, someone who would always smile. Someone who was happy.

When I was 25

I no longer had PTSD and I had learned to somewhat bury my feelings again.

I was at this point suffering from several mental disorders, and I believed I was broken, I felt depressed and I wanted so badly to feel nothing, so after a while I taught myself to feel just that.

I burrowed everything deeper and learned how to feel less. Sometimes it still got out somehow and when it did, I was so embarrassed of having shown my strong emotions, that I started to inflict self-harm on myself.

Every time I felt too much, I would pinch my skin, so I felt only psychical pain. 

I eventually lived a life where I felt nothing at all, I didn’t feel joy, I didn’t feel sad, I didn’t feel angry, I just felt numb.

I felt so lifeless that I started to think I had done it; I had turned my life into being a robot.

I got up I ate, I went to the store to buy food, I went home, played my computer, cooked, cleaned and went to bed, this was how my life felt like. The same every day.

I had cut every friend I had out of my life.

I had a few left but would only talk to them if and when I was in a good mood, if I wasn’t I would spend my time alone.

At this time in my life I was living with my boyfriend from Scotland and I close myself off from him as well, we would hardly ever talk, or spend time together, we just lived together.

A few years later..

A few years later my mentor, told me about highly sensitive personality, and I started reading about this new phenomenon.

The day I read about it, I still remember the feeling of for the first time being seen, being understood, and I suddenly didn’t feel alone.

It wasn’t just me who was feeling this way. There where others.

There wasn’t something wrong with me, I was just a highly sensitive person, and a switch in my brain just clicked.

I can’t describe the feeling but it was like the world suddenly had colours and I could finally see again.

After this everything changed.

I fell in love with a guy I played with in a game. I was still living with my boyfriend, and I realised then, that I had to change my life, I learned that I had lived so many years feeling nothing.

That I didn’t want to feel this way anymore.

I learned I had to be brave to show and deal with my emotions and that putting them into my box was of the past.

I made a promise to myself after that. That I would never again hide or diminish how I feel.

I would handle every emotion, even the ugly ones when they arose.

I got out of my relationship, and I was left heartbroken by the guy I had played games with, but I was suddenly happier than I had been in years.

I felt free, I felt alive again, for so long having felt nothing.

Pain, anger, sadness, joy it all came back, and it was a rollercoaster ride, but not a negative one, since I embraced them all equally for what they were.

Today:

Today I am forever changed. Since that crucial day I committed to the idea that emotions are not something I should hide or feel shame for or see as weakness.

Today I’m alive, I’m Human and stronger than I ever was in my past.

I am truer to myself and able to connect with people around me.

I’m creative, brave, compassionate and eager to try and learn new things.

Why this big change?

What happened?

Well when I learned how to allow myself to feel again, and deal with it, talk about it, and teach myself emotional control, I feel stronger for it, I know there isn’t something that can beat me down as it did in my past anymore.

I wont fall not knowing how to get up again.

And all this I got the day where I accepted that emotions aren’t a weakness. When I learned to be vulnerable and that its okay to be, it gave me strength to get myself up.

When I shared with people around me that I was in a vulnerable state I managed to create connections and friendships that I know will last a lifetime.

So, for me, emotions aren’t a weakness, its strength.

I grew up thinking emotions was weakness, and there are so many times I wish I could go back and tell my teenage self that I was wrong.

I know I’m strong today despite it, I know I’m strong because I had to teach myself this lesson, and because of the adversity in my life, and that I overcame my obstacles, but I still think what if?

What if I learned back then that emotions weren’t a weakness, how would my life have been today?

Im gonna write the next chapter of emotions next.

It will be about emotions being a strength and why?

So stay tuned..

How do you heal after a loss in your life?

Everyone who is alive today will or have experienced a loss of a person. Either it’s a death or it’s a relationship ending.

I know those two losses are different, but the feeling is still the same.

How do you heal after a loss?

My gran mother’s death:

Both my gran mothers died, fairly quickly after each other, and it was a loss that was so sudden. They where both old and I knew it would come one day but it still shocked me to my core.

I wasn’t ready yet to let them go, I wasn’t ready to never see them again or to never be able to tell them I loved them again.

My gran mother

Heartbreaks:

Every relationship I’ve had I had to go through the same feeling of loss, though different from death, this loss was filled with emotions of rejection and not being good enough as well. But initially it is the same loss, you never get to spend time with them again the same way, you never get to hold their hands and tell them you love them again.

It doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship; this can also be a friendship you held dear

So how do you after the feeling of anger, shock and denial mourn the loss of the ones you loved and reach acceptance.

For me love doesn’t go away, and it doesn’t matter if it was a death or an ending of a relationship, it still hurt the same.

It didn’t help when people said, your granmothers where old it was just their time or he was an ass, you deserve more.

Yeah maybe it was the truth, but it doesn’t change the hurt inside.

It didn’t change the fact I would never get to eat my gran mothers chicken again, I would never watch her favorite tv show with her again, I would never wake up with my boyfriend next to me, I would never get to tell him about my day again, and share my excitement with either of them of something that happened in my life.

I would never again… insert the dots here.

So how do you heal the void inside your heart where they used to be?

How do you keep moving forward?

Cry:

Every opportunity I could get, I would withdraw from people to cry, I would get it out and physically and emotionally mourn the loss of the people I loved who where now gone.

Crying is the only thing that seems to release the knot in my chest, and able to give me release.

Write letters or talk to them:

Being able to say goodbye or say the things you never will be able to say to them again.

Saying your goodbyes really helps or even if just to tell them about your day, it can be anything. Anything helps.

For me words unspoken hurts me more, I have to get the last words out, and If I can’t do it in person then saying it in my mind gives me relief.

Talk to others about them:

Telling someone else a memory you had of that person that made you laugh or that brought you joy can be healing. You keep the memory of them alive and you feel they aren’t completely gone.

I’m gonna share a memory I have of my gran mothers and one of my ex boyfriends that to this day still makes me smile.

I remember my gran mothers chicken, she made the best chicken in the world, the skin was crisp and the meat was so tender it melted in my mouth, she would often serve strawberries with cream as a dessert, and to this day this is why I love strawberries so much, I’ve never found anyone who could make chicken just as well as her, we used to watch old drama shows together and talk about them at the same time.

My second gran mother, I remember she got angry at me for messing up the house, she cursed and yelled at me, I just went over and kissed her forehead, she was so small, so I had to bend down to kiss her, she just looked at me and laughed, and we both burst out laughing. She took my head and kissed it too, we would often talk about life.

My best memory I have of my ex. We where camping and it was a big lightning storm. I’m terrified of lighting, and couldn’t sleep, so he sang me to sleep and made me feel so safe even though it was lightning outside.

These memories still give me comfort. Yeah, they are gone, but the memories I will have with me are forever.

Time:

You have to give yourself time to mourn them. Its not something you can put into a box and pretend never happened. It will eventually come up to the surface.

Both with my gran mother’s death and when I lose a relationship, I’ve been trying to fast to say I’m okay, when I wasn’t. I never allowed myself to heal long enough and it would eventually come out to the surface and hit me harder.

I didn’t cry at my gran mother’s funeral, I was in shock still and boxed my emotions in, I had to be strong for my family.

I didn’t allow myself to feel when my relationship ended, I tried to fast to box it in, because dealing with the hurt I didn’t have time for, I had responsibilities and other things I had to deal with. Instead the feeling of loss came to me at night, with occurring nightmares, and eventually I allowed myself to really feel the loss.

It takes time, and sometimes it can take months, years even, though every day it hurts a little less, and is easier to get through.

For me I always expect that I can just cry for a day and that’s it, but I don’t know if its me or being a highly sensitive person but dealing with loss, doesn’t just take a day. Its many many tears later and more often months before I am feeling like myself again.

Give thanks:

The people you lost wasn’t in your control but remembering what they gave you is worth cherishing and being thankful for.

I am truly thankful for the time I had with the people I loved, the good and the bad. The many things they taught me is worth the pain I had when I lost them. I am thankful for having known them and loved them, and for being loved by them.

I would never change the fact that I did love and know them, even despite dealing with the pain of losing them.

To me this reminds me that yeah it hurts when you lose people, but that I would never trade the fact that I did love them once and that a part of me still does.

It’s okay to mourn for as long as you need to, and if you cant do it alone, talk to friends family, talk to them about the memories you had of those you loved, even if it’s a relationship that failed, its still a loss you are experiencing and even if it was a bad relationship and it was the best thing for you, or if it was a gran parent who died and you know it was for the best since they where in pain, it’s okay to mourn. It’s okay to be sad and feel sad for as long as you need to feel sad.

No one gets to decide when or how long your mourning period should last that is up to you.

Rejection

I broke down last night.

I saw a picture of my ex on my Facebook that he had already moved on.

First thought I had “3 months ago we broke up and he already moved on”

Second thought “he looks happy I’m really happy for him” I even smiled a little and then

Third thought happened and was the culmination of many hours of tears and total melt down.

The thought was

 “He rejected me, why?”

And suddenly all the people in my life who had rejected me, came flooding in, every time I had felt heartbreak, pain, the feeling of being left alone with a heart full of love, but no one to give it to, of not feeling good enough, feeling worthless, just left me devasted and hopeless.

I think since the heartbreak I ended up crying for hours. I couldn’t stop, I just cried for hours on end, and all the thoughts I had been trying so hard to keep at bay, the thoughts that I’m worthless, that I’m always gonna be alone, that everyone will leave at some point, that I’m not good at anything, that every connection I create in life is a lie, or gets broken eventually

I was at a point there and then that I couldn’t stop the thoughts and I wanted to silence them so badly that I felt something I hadn’t felt in years. I wanted that pain to stop, I wanted to quit, I wanted life to stop and just feel nothing. I thought about ending my life, only for a split second but it scared me.

I was in a state of panic and had some reasoning thoughts still left so I reached out to a friend and that was my life line back to sanity.

I reached out with the purpose of getting the number for the psych ward, to get myself admitted because I was in a state where I knew if I kept giving in to these thoughts I would end up in a place where I didn’t want to be in again.

But luckily, I have amazing friends and I never reached the psych ward, even though I thought that is where I belonged in a moment of insanity. They helped me see reason.

They helped me see, that there is much more to life and that bad things happens, but even though I feel alone and abandoned I’m not alone, and that yeah some people will leave but then they are not the right ones for me.

The many hours of tears, and feeling of despair, I imagined myself in 10 years, my worst fear.

I see myself in my room, my moms passed away, and I’m alone. Broken by my past, and never strong enough to make it. Unemployed, bitter and emotionless. No family left, no friends, no nothing but myself, my room and my computer, and that was the scariest thought.

I’ve been working so hard to heal from my past, create connection with people in  my life, and to work myself out of my darkest years, and I’ve come a long way, but still to this day what brings me back to point zero, the dark pit that I climbed myself out of, is the feeling of being rejected

Rejection isn’t a nice feeling to go through.

Whether you feel rejected in your work life, by friends, strangers, family or people you love, will make you feel a little worthless in that moment, or not good enough.

And the feeling of not being good enough is hard to turn around.

I’m a huge people pleaser, I know this fact about myself, and it’s something I’m still working on tuning down a little in my life, but when I feel rejected my world just melts down, I don’t see anything but “YOU weren’t good enough” big letters on a big screen inside my head.

And when im in that emotional state I have to have either people around me or myself getting angry to tell myself very loudly “no that’s not true”

When I am myself and not in that dark moment I was in last night, I can see reason.

I know that even you are rejected for some reason, its not about you, its not about you being not good enough, its deeper then that, and even if you weren’t the right one for the job or for that person, it doesn’t mean you wont be perfect in another job or for someone else.

Its impossible to please everyone, and at the end of the day you need to do what’s right for you.

Self-love, is what I forgot last night.

I completely forgot everything I had taught myself the last years.

What I should have told myself is that yeah I was rejected and its okay to feel sad, its okay to feel alone, its okay to be angry, but you are not alone. You might feel alone, but you will never be alone. There will always be someone out there who really cares and loves you for you, and you will always have the biggest love and best friend, and family in your life, and that’s yourself.

It sounds weird that you have yourself, but its true. You can choose to be your best friend or your worst enemy, but if you choose to be there for yourself when you feel shit, you will come out on the other side a lot easier. You won’t feel alone.

My friend asked me. “Fay what makes you happy? You need to do stuff that makes you happy.”

I replied to him “ You guys make me happy, my friends, making videos, and playing video games makes me happy”

And then he told me very intelligently.

“Fay then do that, and you will be happy, spend time with us, play video games and make videos”

Before I gave it a good thought, I blurted out long list of what if’s and a whole lot of fear and doubt.

Eventually I heard myself and that it was just fear talking, and I came to my senses.

I am not going to end up alone, like in my worst fear.

I know that with every inch of who I am, but last night I gave into those dark thoughts.

I won’t end up alone, because I won’t give up, despite feeling rejected.

I wont stop trying to build connection with new people, I wont stop meeting new people, I won’t give up on my family and friends that I already have a strong foundation with, I wont give up on my dreams and work hard at what I do, even if I get rejected from what I create or future jobs or opportunities.

A rejection will never again be the reason I stop moving forward, it will never again be the reason to quit.

And yeah, I might get rejected again one day, but never from myself.  

How I turned Pain into my biggest motivator

I’ve dealt with a lot of pain in my life, not the psychical kind, even though when you are in great emotional pain, it does have a great affect on your body as well, but the kind of pain that sits in your heart.

Losing people, I care about, feelings of being rejected or hurt by people I loved, being abused, cheated on, or feeling betrayed. That kind of pain.

I am a highly sensitive, so I’ve been used to feeling pain not for days only but for months on end, sometimes to the extent that pain became a part of my daily life.

So how do I find myself not crippled by that pain, but actually find myself being more productive and braver than ever.

Keep moving forward, don’t stop.

Emotional Pain hurts, I will still debate strongly that I would rather feel psychical pain 10 times over then emotional pain. It can cripple you to the extent that you don’t want to get out of bed, and you just feel like giving up. I found myself years ago pinching my skin to dull the emotional pain I felt inside and that it helped, for a little while. Though I wouldn’t recommend this behaviour at all, since it doesn’t last.

The one thing that does help me when I feel something this deep, is keep moving forward. Do something, doesn’t matter what, as long as you do something. The moment I wasn’t doing anything that’s where the pain came back 10-fold, so I kept myself moving.

Whether is was playing games, drawing, running, writing, cleaning, it helped a little.

It keeps the days going by faster as well, to let the healing begin.

Hitting rock bottom, there is only one way you can go, and that’s up.

When life beats you down, and you hurting, you don’t realise in that moment that there is only one way forward and that’s up again. When you in that mood, you feel like everything is bad and its always going to be like that, but from experience I now see, when I hit rock bottom there is only one way up, when everything is bad, it cant get any worse, so better start looking at the bright side and have faith that one day you will reach the top of the mountain and feel great again. It’s just a matter of time and climbing that hill again.

I took this picture when I was just recently hurt by life again, I cut my hair, and was determined to overcome being at rock botom again.

When I’m down there feeling sorry for myself, I also get super motivated to get up. Since I feel like I have nothing to lose now, I get braver then ever, and I work on things and interact with people I would have been to shy to talk to, or do things I’ve been to scared to try. Because in my head it can’t get any worse right? 😊

Look at what you can control but also realise what you can’t control and accept that.

When life hurts you, people hurt you or bad events happens. It wasn’t in your control, and feeling lack of control in those situations, that bad events happens, it easy to feel sorry for yourself, and tell yourself that you didn’t deserve it. You didn’t, but it still happened, so what you going to do about that?

What can you control.

In my case, if people hurt me, I wanted to so easily give that hurt back, but I didn’t want to be like them. I could at least control how I am towards others, and in that get a sense of pride that I see myself as a good person, I can control how I act towards others, and how I go about life. I can control who I am, and how I act. If I did something bad, I can control that in future by learning from it, and never do it again.

I cant control what other people feel or what they think or bad events that happens in life, and there is no point in trying to avoid  bad situations but rather control If it happens, control how I go about it.

How I can heal from it and learn from it.

Even the worst events can give you strength and teach you something new about yourself, or even bring forth something better.

Recently I was hurt by a loss of someone I loved, and I was down there at rock bottom again, and for the longest time, I only felt pain, but on day one, I set myself small goals, and kept setting small goals to achieve for myself, to help me make me feel good again, feel like myself again and not just feeling pain every day, so I got up, and got those small goals ticked off one by one.

Setting small goals:

Setting small goals for yourself, it doesn’t matter what it is.

It can be the smallest of things. Like today I am going to cut my own hair and learn how to.

Today I am going to go for a small walk, or today I am going to meet new people to talk about cooking with, it can be anything.

The goals I set myself was so simple like cutting my own hair and dye it purple, make a small video, make emotes for my stream, farm gold in game for a prettier mount, or even decide to learn a new skill.

It kept me occupied from what I was feeling inside when it became too much.

After a while when I looked at what I had accomplished I felt a sense of pride, even though I was still in pain the pride of having done something else then feeling sorry for myself felt really good, and It made me want to work more at getting that feeling of accomplishment every day.

I’m only out on the other side of feeling pain, but I now feel thankful that my pain gave me strength and motivation to keep moving forward.

I’ve also learned feeling pain, the first day when you don’t feel it anymore, that beautiful sunny day where you just feel great, you laugh and suddenly realise how good that laugh feels like, is the best moment, and I promise you that day will come, it can take months but it will come and it’s the best feeling ever.

The day you find yourself smiling again, and you look back at the last months and you realise “ I survived”, and then see what you did in that time, what you accomplished even despite feeling really shitty, is an amazing feeling. You feel strength, and next time pain comes around and takes hold of you, you know you will again survive it and come out stronger on the other side of it.

Yeah it sucks we have to deal with that emotion, that it even happened in the first place, but I learned to be thankful of my pain, because it builds me up and makes me feel taller then ever on the other side of that pain.

Pain is a part of life just like love, happiness, and all the good stuff, but its up to you how you want to deal with it.

I learned how to use that pain, and the anger that comes along with it, to be brave and jump into new things.

Pain was my biggest motivator to push myself into areas in my life I would never have even dared to try.

One of the many things I was working on..

I started streaming because of pain, I started traveling because of pain, I am who I am today because of pain. It has been the biggest motivator to reach my goals and keep working at myself, because of the biggest painful moments in my life, it gave me enough strength to realise if I survived that then anything life throws at me I will survive.

Day 5 – How a highly sensitive person deals with heartbreak

Day 5

I did manage to cry last night, after I had written my blog post, it started and ended up crying on and off for an hour or so, maybe longer, all the emotions I was feeling got out, and I felt it as relief. I got the knot I was feeling out my chest, and I felt it was easier to breathe, but also felt really exhausted and numb after.

It hit me a lot harder the chat we had last night.

I felt I had meant nothing to him, and that the last few months had been a lie. Like every time he told me he loved me, I started questioning it last night if he had meant it, or if he had just said it to say it, I started to question if the time he spend with me was him forcing it, or if he really wanted and did enjoy it.

No matter what I did to tell my brain that, of cause he had cared and loved me, I still couldn’t convince myself that it was true. I ended up sitting alone, crying and listening to music to the early  hours in the morning and eventually I ended talking to one of my friends.

been standing afking on my hunter in world of warcraft just not feeling like doing anything.

She was talking about new clothes she wanted to buy, and she managed to distract me with all these really cute looking dresses, and I felt relaxed enough to hit the bed.

First night since the breakup, I managed to fully sleep and not dream. I slept 12 hours and it was great.

I realised how exhausted I had been, and I was happy that I got the rest.

Throughout the day I was still feeling blue, the heaviness in my chest came back but I tried as usual to keep myself busy and not think about.

Its so much easier in the day to not think about the break up and feel it, I can share some fun with my friends, play games, and take care of myself better, but at night it gets so hard.

I know its still only temporary, but I’m already so sick of feeling heartbroken. I’m tired of hurting, both psychically and emotionally, I’m tired of feeling all of these emotions and I was really wishing and hoping there would be some sort of cure to just let me feel nothing for just one day, just one day of nothing would be great.

But I know there is no cure for that, so its just about taking one day at a time, enjoy the good, and push through the bad.

I’m already taking more note on the small improvements I do. Like sleep more and eat more.

I managed to feel hungry today and was thinking about getting myself some crisps, I ate some shrimp salad, not enough to be back to normal, but its more than I had the last 4 days. So, its progress in the right direction.

I did feel more sad today, but its because it has really started to sink in, that we are over now. The shock of it all has passed now, and I really feel now after the talk last night that it was final.

I know it was for the best, since he couldn’t give what I wanted and we both deserve to be happy, but it doesn’t mean I just stop loving him or missing him like that, and a part of me, still wish it hadn’t happened, and we where together still.

But I know I wont think that forever, I feel im getting closer to fully accepting it, and when I do I can move on, but I will have to go through the loss first for a little while longer.

I try to just take one day at a time, to feel the blues, cry it out and try to look at the positives as well, even just the small things.

Like my amazing friends who manages to still make me smile and laugh.

That I’m putting my pain into creative use instead of doing nothing all day, by writing this post.

I haven’t worked on making videos in a while, but I’m giving myself time to heal first.

A breakup takes times to heal from even one where it might have been best it ended. It still hurts losing someone you love.

I’m still not angry at him yet, not like I was in my previous breakups, I’m angry at some things, but I still care more then hate, but then again we never really fought over anything, he was still very considerate about some things, and took time to listen when I was upset.

Yeah im angry that he did it in text but we did have the chat last night, so at least he did his best.

He said he still wants me as a friend, and I said maybe one day, in a months’ time or more when I’m feeling better. But we will see

I still haven’t found it possible to be friends with an ex, and I’m not sure if it is possible.

Tomorrow, is going to be a day I’m looking forward too, I’m getting drunk with my best friend who is having a discord birthday party. All our friends are going to be there, and I hope I can celebrate her and have some fun with them and be less emotional.

Mainly today I’ve just been feeling really sad, and numb.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better…

ps. Its not my best written post, but I’m feeling so tired today

Day 4 – How a highly sensitive person deals with heartbreak

Day 4

I couldn’t sleep last night so only manged to have a small nap.

I was obsessing about the talk I knew I was going to have with my ex later today, and I was going through everything I was going to ask, and I was really worried how he would react or what he would say.

I just wanted it over with so hopefully my head would calm down a little.

The need to understand why was intense.

Why we broke up?

Why he did it that way?

So many why’s in my head.

I wanted to understand it, but I also wanted to let those thoughts go, I just didn’t know how to, so was hoping the talk would help.

Most of the night I was listening to music, heavy metal again, but I was also really angry.  

Angry at him, angry at myself, angry at the world, angry at love.

I kept myself busy trying to put that anger into my game, and channel it in a more healthy way, and it worked for a while.

I started feeling less angry around 9 in the morning, had a chat with my friend for a bit and it helped being distracted from my own overwhelming emotions.

I went back to my game, and played until 3 until I was feeling so exhausted and crashed for a few hours.

When I woke up a few hours later he whispered me he was ready to talk, and I called him on discord.

We talked for about an hour and it was a real struggle to not shout, cry or beg him to come back.

I had tried to prepare myself for the worst and not have any hopes up, and I got most of the answers I needed, but it also still left me feeling really confused, and still really hurt.

I managed to after the talk to push through those emotions, I’m not sure how, and go on discord to talk to my friends.

I streamed and played with them for a while, without allowing myself to feel anything from the chat, and just burrow it in a box somewhere.

I am now sitting here alone, its 3 at night, and I still feel empty.

There is also still the feeling of anger, and hurt, but it just sits in my stomach and chest like a big knot pulling down.

I feel dizzy, exhausted, too awake too sleep, nauseous but also a little hungry.

I miss him

And I wish the last few days had never happened. But it did, and from what I learned today is that it would have happened anyway eventually.

I thought we where happy but turned out we didn’t feel the same way, and that’s what happens sometimes. My guess is that he properly fell out of love with me at some point.

And that’s okay, but still makes me feel really hurt.

Though, I know from my past experience that I will be fine. I keep telling myself that, but the more I say it, it helps drown the thoughts of losing him out a little.

I know my brain is just addicted to the love hormone I got from him, and I know that it makes you feel physical pain, as well as emotional pain. I also know it makes you feel depressed and that you will never feel happy again the same way.

I know this love hormone is going to fade and every day will get a little bit easier, but I also know that I still have a long way to go.

I have a good support network behind me, and I know I can handle this, I’ve been through it before, and a lot worse.

I’m writing my blog post now, and I feel like I really need to cry, but not a small cry but a deep emotional cry to get those pesky knots out of my stomach and chest, so I’m just waiting for that to happen. I keep staring at the banana I brought in from the kitchen, and I want to eat it, but I also just cant right now.

I know from science that experiencing heartbreak, you either feel like eating all the time, or not at all, so I understand that its normal, but I know it isn’t healthy in the long run.

I wrote in my calendar today a month from now, this will be the day I should have or around that day that the love hormone goes away, and hopefully on that date I will be feeling better. Ill sleep better, ill eat better and ill feel like myself again. Not in pain anymore, but closer to or have moved on from this. The date I put in was the 6 of June, so I have that to look forward too.

I already hate feeling like this..

I understand why they call it a roller coaster of emotions. Its never just feeling fine, its up and down and sideways, going through one emotion to the next in a few seconds, but mostly just with the feeling of intense sadness and anger. I do look forward to the bright seconds where a friend makes me laugh or smile throughout the day.

but right now im still waiting to have that long cry today…

to be continued tomorrow….

Day 3 – How a higly sensitive person deals with heartbreak

Day 3

I was up for ages this morning, listening to heavy metal music, and half crying and half singing along to the songs. I couldn’t find the rest to go to sleep, and I started feeling this anger.

Being angry at the breakup, how it ended.

Being angry at not getting these questions that keeps running through my head answered, like why I feel the need so strong to understand what happened, makes me angry, because I cant get it, I want it, but I also know it’s not going to lessen the pain. It still happened, but maybe If I knew everything he was feeling or thinking, I would stop blaming myself or stop thinking the what ifs.

What if:  I had written it differently, or just called him instead, and we could have talked on voice coms

What if: Covid 19 wasn’t a thing and I would have travelled to see him in April, and we wouldn’t be anxious about when next to see each other again.

What if: I had been braver and talked to him about my feelings months ago and we could have worked more at being a little closer online.

The what ifs is my worst enemy in a breakup. They slowly creep up on you and dig through your mind, and the next thing you know you cry and cry and cry while you imagine if you had said it differently or if you had done something different you wouldn’t be broken up.

But I know that is not true.

I’ve learned a relationship ending can be a lot of things, it can also be because you aren’t ready or want to commit, or it could be I felt strongly about him but he might not have thought the same of me.

The what ifs: Doesn’t change what happened, it still happened.

I’m also feeling really angry about that I didn’t think it was fair.

I didn’t think I deserved it. We have been together almost a year, and I thought that at least a better ending would be a bit more respectful to the time and love we shared.

I reached out to him today, feeling my heart pounding, slightly hopeful but also 90 % sure of the outcome that we where broken up still, but somehow I still had the slight hope of maybe, just maybe he would say it was all a mistake, a miscommunication and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was.

He wrote me back and my little glimpse of hope vanished, yes we are still broken up, but he agreed to talk tomorrow.

It might not be the smartest idea, but at least I get the closure or goodbye I crave, a break up over voice and not in text.

I know its going to be hard, and painful but I also feel like its going to help me soothe my mind a little of the what ifs and make me feel more at ease, but be able to properly move on. Whatever that means. But I’m hopeful. I need an ending for a new beginning, having a glimpse of hope when there is none, is just going to postpone the hurt, and I really don’t need that.

For taking care of myself today, well I’ve been successful at some parts, I managed to sleep more than I thought I would, I ended up streaming a key again with my friends, I showered and dressed up for having my webcam on, and I felt I looked pretty good despite my unfortunate situation.

I wasn’t as successful at remembering to eat healthy today. I only managed to push down some melon, nuts and a bit of cucumber.

I still don’t feel hungry at all, and food still makes me feel nauseous.

I havent cried as much today but I know it will come again, when things quiet down, the night is always the worst, but I will try and keep myself a little busy before I drop.

Music is really a big help, singing along to the songs of pain, heartbreak and anger, it helps me get those strong emotions out.

I didnt cry today, but my chest has been feeling really heavy and got these jacked spiked pains inside of my chest during the day, when I was thinking of him.

I talked to a friend I havent talked to in ages today and I loved talking to her, but the conversation turned around to the girl talk we normally have, and my memories of him came up, and I even at some point said yeah my boyfriend is like that, but realised then that he wasnt my boyfriend anymore, that was in the past.

I’m not to distraught as I used to be in the past about this breakup, yes it hurts and yes, it takes time to heal, but in the past I had convinced myself somehow that I would never find love again, and I felt so out of hope back then for my future. I know now that there is a lot more to love in life.

Its hard to admit that because im a huge fan of love, I always imagined myself finding someone I would spend my 20s and 30s and so on with, but im now 35 and it didnt turn out that way.

For me this break up dosnt hurt because im single again, its hurts because I shared something great and genuine I thought, but it ended in a breakup and thats a tough cookie to swallow, and I still question why, but hopefully my questions or some of them will be answered tomorrow.

Until tomorrow ❤

Day 2 – How a highly sensitive person deals with heartbreak

Day 2 – continuation from day 1

I woke up again having a nightmare about him, my ex, I still can’t get used to that word.

Instead of my love, my boyfriend, my friend, my hunny bunny.

My ex just feels like such a bad word and doesn’t even come close to how I feel about him.

couldnt find any good pictures so used one of my character from the game of world of warcraft.

I try not to think about what happened. I try to do what I was used to spending my days on before, my creativity, playing world of warcraft, talking to my friends, but I just feel so empty and sad.

I’m still in shock of what happened. It still feels like a bad dream I’m just waiting to wake up from.

I keep wanting to write him how my day was like or the usual hey love what you up to today?

And then I remember, I just lost him, he is no longer in my life, the person I would talk to and write with every day, play online games with and watch Netflix with.

And I just feel empty.

My friends have been amazing, asking how I am, and if there is anything they can do, I tell them I’ll be fine, I know I’ll be fine, it will just take time.

I forgot to eat again today but I managed to push down some pasta and meat.

I wish I was better at eating, but I don’t feel hungry at all, and even my favourite foods have no flavour or taste to it.

I do feel proud at least that I haven’t been tempted to write him again.

Its hard not to, but I know its only going to hurt more If I do write him. I won’t get the answers or the outcome I wish would happen, and I know that its not really what I want either.

Its just I hate admitting it to myself, but I really miss him. I know I shouldn’t be, he broke my heart and I should be angry and just move on, but I’m not angry just sad. Today I’m sad.

Its 2 o clock at night now, and today I’ve mostly just been sat there in my chair not really feeling in the mood for anything.

I did manage to play a little bit, but I got no work done.

I did manage to stream a little bit again, even though I didn’t think I would be in the mood for it but one of my friends I haven’t talked to in ages came on discord and I decided to do some fun runs with my friends and stream it.

And we did have fun, but at the end of the key, I felt more drained from todays emotions.

I feel overwhelmed by it all still, and I know it will take a lot of time to recover, but I really wish it didn’t, I wish I could just fast forward to a few months ahead.

I have to keep reminding myself that it will be okay again, I will feel better and what I feel now will change with time.

But yeah not going to lie it does suck still, feeling heartbroken and losing someone you love.

And I’m already sick at crying, it comes in waves, one moment I’m fine the next I start crying again, I’m dreading falling asleep again tonight, I really dont wanna dream again, but hopefully tomorrow will be a little bit better.

I do feel very lucky that I have my amazing friends, they have all been so supportive, I hope he has that too, if he is feeling heartbroken at all, but yeah I promised I wouldn’t think to much about him, so sunshine, unicorns, friends, lalalala, yep that helps a little…

Day 3 will continue tomorrow…

Day 1 – How a highly sensitive person deals with heartbreak

In this post and the next I’m going to write a journal like blog, where I go through my recent breakup with my Boyfriend, and how every day ill feel a little bit better.

I will write about the ups and downs, so stay tuned, and I really hope with these posts that I could help someone in the same position or let you guys in on, how a highly sensitive person deals with heartbreak.

A picture from the days where our relationship was new, and we where in love

Sunday morning:

I felt a little sad, I had been looking forward to spending time with my boyfriend. I had been wanting to tell him for a while that I really needed more time with him, so today I was going to be brave and have a chat with him.

I took a deep breath, felt my heart racing, I was a little scared of how he was going to react, if he would get a little hurt from me asking for more time, and expressing my needs, but also felt a little silly thinking that, he would be understanding and we would have the chat and all would be good, so I wrote him.

I need more time with you, I need us to spend more quality time together just you and me, and to talk more about the future.

I wasn’t expecting what happened next. I could never have imagined what happened next.

He wrote

“I don’t think I can give you that, I’m not that kind of guy.”

I wrote

“But I don’t get it, we used to spend a lot of time together in the beginning.”

“What changed?”

My heart broke a little then, I felt the end coming, and the sadness from earlier, and the loneliness I felt grew

He wrote

“Well its different in the beginning isn’t it?”

I was proper upset now, and wrote a longer text back that relationships is work and that communication and spending time together is important and that it should never be forced, and then I wrote that if he thought he was forcing himself to spend more time with me maybe I wasn’t the right girl for him.

Then he wrote it. The end had come of 10 months of happiness and love

“I hate saying it, but I just don’t think we are a good match.”

And that was it, no voice coms, no last hugs, no goodbyes or a last I love you.

I felt in shock and my heart broke. I felt this heaviness around my heart, like it got weighed down by the pain I was feeling.

I didn’t understand what had just happened. I sat there for a while, and then I started crying.

I called my friend, and I wanted to say what happened, but I just couldn’t stop crying, I muted myself and wrote what happened, with her in the call still. I wanted to speak the words, but I just couldn’t stop the tears and the wails of pain escaping me.

An hour later I finally got myself together and could sit down and chat with her, and I told her I didn’t understand what happened.

I just wanted me and my bf to spend a little more time together, and I hadn’t expected that reaction or to have our relationship end in the way it did, in text and with such coldness to it.

I was feeling scared that what now, what was next. I knew from experience going through a heartbreak wasn’t going to be fun for a couple of months, and thinking back on my last breakups, I had done a lot of things that wasn’t making it easier.

This time around I was determined to change the experience to feel less painful.

Being a highly sensitive person, feeling emotions I feel them in extremes. When I feel pain, it feels so strong that even the smallest things in my daily life like sleeping, eating, going to the shop, is difficult.

And this time I wanted to take better care of myself.

I sat talking to my friend until 8 in the morning, and it helped a little, I felt less lonely but I still didn’t understand, I was tired, but I couldn’t quiet my thoughts and my heart was racing.

Another friend got on discord, and I played a game with him for a bit, when I suddenly felt drained and really tired. It was 10 in the morning, and I decided to try and sleep.

It took a while before I managed to sleep, but eventually I did.

2 hours later

I woke up suddenly. My chest was hurting, I had a dream about him writing me a message, so I ran to pick up my phone to check.

No new messages.

The feeling of disappointment and remembering what happened last night brought me to tears. I went out to make coffee trying to hold the tears back. I was greeted by my mother and tried to smile and hide what had happened, I wasn’t ready to talk about anything yet.

I went into my room, with my coffee, and turned up the music, and started crying again, this time more fiercely. I knew from experience I had to release the pain I was feeling by crying, it always felt a little bit better after a good cry.

I got a message from a friend, if I wanted to talk and I ended up calling him, we played a little bit of rocket league, and world of warcraft.

He was being an amazing friend and even managed to make me laugh a little.

I vented out to my friend that I still didn’t get what happened, and I really wish it hadn’t.

I felt the way my relationship had ended wasn’t right, I felt that I couldn’t have been that important to him, and I was trying to understand where I had done wrong. We never had any fights, or big issues. I couldn’t come up with anything bad and it didn’t make it any easier thinking back, so I tried to just accept it for what it was.

From experience I knew that when you go through a breakup, there is no way you will ever really understand the reason and get your why’s answered truthfully.

Just because I felt happy didn’t mean he was,  or maybe he was but wasn’t ready to commit the way I wanted to, and there is nothing wrong in that, its just how it is, even though it sucks.

I spend a few hours with my friend, and I had cried, I had laughed, I had gotten everything out, and it felt a little better, but then I started feeling the sadness coming up again, so I took my leave and put my music on and started crying again.

I read through the messages again, trying to understand what happened, but still didn’t manage to feel better from it.

There were no secret messages in it, that I could suddenly decipher, there was just the had fact and no goodbyes.

I realised it had been hours, and it was 8 o clock in the evening and I hadn’t had any food all day.

I went into the kitchen and ate a little piece of meat and some veggies, it wasn’t a lot, but I had to eat something.

I felt disgusted by eating but I knew that starving myself wasn’t the answer.

I walked back into my room, dragging my feet feeling like a zombie. I was tired, my stomach was hurting, my head was pounding, I felt dizzy and my chest still felt heavy.

I sat down in my chair again and went to hang with my friends a little.

I knew that I had to surround myself with people, sitting alone wasn’t helping, but at the same time, I didn’t feel that sociable either.

I wanted to go to sleep again but I knew I wouldn’t be able to, and I knew I would dream about him again.

I sat amongst my friends, in silence for a while, until I felt restless and suggested we could run a mythic + in wow, we ended up doing a few keys.

I was drinking some wine. I’m not a big drinker, but I knew that a little bit of alcohol, helped numb down the psychical and emotional pain I was feeling and after a while it worked, and I ended up laughing and having fun with my friends.

I had had a little bit too much to drink so when it was time for bed, again in the early morning my room was spinning and it took me a while before I managed to sleep, I woke up a few hours later after having had a nightmare about my ex. ( it’s still weird writing ex, like it’s all a bad dream and I’m still trying to wake up from)

will be continued…

Day 2 coming soon

I decided that writing about me going through yet another heartbreak is going to help me heal, but I also hope that it might inspire someone who is going through the same thing that you aren’t alone feeling really shitty.

I know from experience that I will be fine again, and it wont hurt as much in a month or two, but I also know that it is going to be a rough ride.

Being a highly sensitive person dealing with heartbreak really sucks, anyone who has to deal with heartbreak really sucks.

I will try and be as positive I can, and write about how I feel, and how my healing process goes.

a little bit of a backstory to my relationship.

I meet him a year ago in world of warcraft online and he is an amazing guy, i went to see him 2 times, and had the best time, we shared a lot of good moments, and even though I had my heart broken by him, I will always see him as a great and caring guy, I wont write anything bad about him but only focus on how I am feeling and my days healing from the break up.

How to turn failures into something you can be proud of

Its been a while since I’ve been writing

It wasn’t really because I didn’t want to write just wasn’t in the right head space to put anything down on paper.

My thoughts all jumbled up.

I’m going to start explaining my time in March

I got back from England in February, and in march we had a lock down in Denmark because of corona.

Because of the way I live I don’t really go out much so I’ve been pretty much quarantining myself, but also not going out and the world changing around you, can make you feel a sense of despair and worry for the world.

I started playing World of Warcraft again, new patch was out and I’ve been trying to get a lot more competitive, but with being competitive there is also a lot of pressure all the time to do well, and when you do mistakes that isn’t always easy to handle.

When I make mistakes, I beat myself up a lot, and I don’t know always to turn it around to not feel so shitty about it.

Its been so bad that I’ve been in tears most days because I messed up, and my confidence in game has dropped, so I make more mistakes, and end up fearing doing the hard stuff.

I’m in a mythic guild and they where progressing a really hard boss where you are singled out when you make a mistake. There is a lot of pressure to do well, because if you don’t perfect this mechanic you are causing a wipe, where 20 people have to do the fight again, and again for 2 hours.

My character in world of warcraft, a beastmaster hunter, called faylily

I didn’t do great at the boss, and I ended up being the laughing stock of my guild and my friends. It was expected of me to do badly, so I did again. I felt like I couldn’t do it, I wanted to, but the harder I tried to force it, the worse I failed.

This one night it was so bad, and I had streamed all of it, I was so angry that my raid leader had showed this clip where I fell of the edge to a big time streamer on twitch that I kind of idolized and watching the big guy laughing at my mistake, sent me into tears and just making me want to quit.

Instead I did something else I never expected I would do in the past. In the past I would have quit and given up, I would have felt miserable for months, this time around, I decide to compile all my failures of clips I had on my stream and make a video of it on you tube.

My video of my failures on youtube. Its called “How NOT to do football on Xanesh mythic”

I turned my failures into something funny, and instead of feeling bad I owned it instead.

Yeah, I suck at in game football on Xanesh Mythic in world of warcraft so what 😊 and instead of beating myself up, I ended up feeling really proud of that video I made.

Sometimes things come easy to you, but sometimes it takes a little longer, instead of beating myself up about it, turn it into something else.

The biggest thing for me is to not give up on something that’s hard but keep at it, until I grow and one day excel at what I do.

But its also important you feel good about what you are doing.

If you aren’t, take a step back and try again later, but don’t ever give up.

I have big dreams, and I will fail a lot at trying to achieve them, but for this little experience I had on Xanesh it has made me realize the time of me giving up on my dreams are long past me, I will keep moving forward, stumble from time to time, fall down, but I will always get back up and move forward.

To everyone out there reading this, if you have a bad time, feeling embarrassed of your performance, and feel like you aren’t doing well at something that’s important, don’t give up.

Turn the bad feelings into something else.

Own your mistakes, but also praise yourself for the good you did do.

One day you will get better at it, but if you give up, you will never get there.

For me I find it so easy to always worry about what everyone thinks of me, and when I feel I disappoint people around me who are relying on me to do well, I don’t take that well.

For me its about learning that if I enjoy what I do, keep at it, and just practice, practice, and more practice.

I always forget that every mistake you do, you learn from, and its not very likely you will repeat them again. So, you still learn something.

The more I look back at my own Game play, the more I realize how much I have moved forward, to being the player I want to be. Back in the day that dream was so far away, but I see now that it doesn’t feel so impossible to reach anymore, just takes a little more work.

It’s not the biggest post I will write today, but I do plan to write more about what else I’ve been up to in the next couple of days

I think I just needed the time, to put my thoughts and feeling out on paper.

Cya till next time 🙂 Have a nice evening, and don’t give up on your dreams, keep at it even if you fall, get back up.