The 5 doors of Choice

Faydra starring at the 5 doors in front of her, with apprehension and fear.

She knew she had to pick one and go through it to reach the treasure.

But which door should she choose?

What if she chose the wrong one?

Every door looked the same.

Every one of them intriguing.

Like the mystery of looking at a rainbow, which every intention of figuring out what was at the end of it.

Feeling impatient she picked the door in the middle.

She opened it fearlessly and walked through.

What she saw on the other side overwhelmed her with every emotion.

So many people.

All smiling, wanting to hug her, be her friend.

She smiled back and embraced the feeling of friendship.

Eventually she realised she had become a leader.

And with leadership came responsibilities.

She was suddenly in charge of dealing with small issues that would arise in the group.

Having to please every single one of the people in her group.

She knew deep within this wasn’t what she wanted to be.

A leader.

She knew she made a poor leader, wanting to please everyone would eventually upset someone, that would lead to more pleasing until eventually everyone would end up upset, and Faydra unhappy.

With a deep sigh of frustration and the feeling of failure she realised she had picked the wrong door.

A few months had passed, and Faydra felt angry at herself for having wasted her time.

“This time” she thought, while walking back to the 5 doors, “This time I’m going to pick the right one!”

Again, she found herself in front of the doors. Starring at them intensely. Trying to figure out how they where different.

The feeling of forever passing by she ended up picking a new door.

Frustrated and scared of her making the wrong choice again, she hesitantly opened the door, expecting failure from start.

She looked inside before walking through.

Her eyes went wide, her chest heaved for air, her cheeks went pink.

She looked at the most beautiful man she had ever seen.

He was radiating light and love with his mere presence.

He smiled, and she melted.

She ran, he ran, and they embraced.

A day passed, and they where still in a tight embrace, a week passed, a month.

She felt happy and safe, and endless love.

But….

They where just standing there in a tight embrace. There was no movement, no new experiences, just the two of them entwined into one.

She became more restless by the second and realised eventually.

Fuck…. Not again!

She had picked the wrong door.

With a burdened heart she eventually realised that she had to release herself from the embrace.

But not today, it felt too good.

So, she stayed

And stayed

Until one day the restlessness and curiosity took over and she freed herself from him.

With tears in her eyes, and a heavy heart she dragged her feet back to the room with the doors.

This time she had to pick the right one.

It was the 3rd door, so it had to be the right one, right?

She opened it eagerly and walked through.

She saw a road in front of her and stepped out into it.

Suddenly they were movement behind her. She looked back and saw wines. Like snakes they where slithering towards her, intent on trapping her.

She looked ahead and found the same wines slithering. To the left to the right of her the same.

She looked around in panic. Trying to figure out the right way to run away from the entrapping wines.

To no prevail, she was entangled in them.

She struggled to be free of them, but the more she struggled the more they held their grip on her.

At a standstill she stood there.

A defeating gaze, a heavy sigh, realising there was no hope, and nothing left to do but to stand there.

Number 3 was not her lucky number.

The more time passed, she felt scared that this was the end.

That she would never find the right door.

That she would die here, at the worst standstill of her life, struggling to be set free of the constraining wines.

Eventually she felt them loosen. A bit by bit.

She felt a sliver of hope, that one day she would be free to go back to the room with the doors and eventually find the right one for her.

While she waited out the worst of it, she dreamed of happiness, achievement, love, progression.

Eventually she was free, and she ran as fast as her legs could carry her, back to the same spot she had started out her journey.

The room with the 5 doors.

Only 2 doors left this time she knew it, she would pick the right one. She had to pick the right one.

Ages had passed and she wasn’t getting any younger.

She picked a door and walked through.

On the other side, she found 2 roads this time.

One looked peaceful and familiar, the other ominous, and mysterious.

After the experience with the last door, she felt afraid to pick the mysterious one, so she found herself on the peaceful familiar road.

Whistling happily, she walked.

The sun was up, with no clouds in the sky. It was a beautiful day and she enjoyed walking and being here in the moment.

She walked and walked, happily at first.

Until eventually it hit her.

Was she walking around in circles?

She swore she had been here before, at this part of the road when she had first begun her walk.

No, she couldn’t be!

There had to be an end of this road, the treasure eagerly awaiting her at the end.

Right?

So, she walked and walked…

Until it dawned on her.

She WAS walking in circles.

She had picked the wrong door again.

She was frustrated and heavily annoyed at herself for not having realised it sooner, but didn’t feel too discouraged, since she knew this time.

She would pick the right door with only one door left to be explored.

She found the door back to the room and found herself staring at the last door.

She couldn’t believe her bad luck. 1 out of 5 and she had picked the wrong door every time.

Ah well

She opened the door and walked in with a big smile.

Finally!

She found herself on a road, this time a short one because sooner then she expected she was here.

What she saw shocked her to her core.

She couldn’t believe her eyes.

Really!

“REALLY…….!“She yelled in deep frustration and anger.

She found herself in front of 5 new doors.

So, what is the purpose of this story?

Well, you see, Faydra is me, it’s you, its every person out there.

The doors are the choices we make.

With every choice we make we hope for that elusive reward, a treasure that somehow makes our lives better.

Chasing the reward of an opportunity, love, a new career, could be anything really.

Let’s dive a little deeper into the meaning of each door Faydra entered.

The first door she found herself surrounded by friends, she became a leader of a group and found happiness for a while until she realised being a leader came with a responsibility that she wasn’t ready for or want.

She immediately thought it to be a mistake and ran back to open another door. What she failed to realise, what I failed to realise when this happened to me, is that this mistake I learned something important about myself.

I made the choice of becoming a guild master in my favourite game, for my friends, and while I thought this could bring me happiness and a feeling of accomplishment, it turned sour quick.

I enjoyed the feeling of being part of something important, that I was important to this group of players in my favourite game. But with leadership there is a responsibility to lead, and in this game, to make the hard and tough choices for the group.

Being a people pleaser by nature, I instead avoided the hard choices to please the individual player, in the long run I realised I was chewing on something to hard to chew, and ended up having a group of frustrated individuals, and I ran.

I found myself back in front of a new choice. Something else I wanted to pursue.

And I found love, the next door.

I fell in love hard, so hard that I didn’t really question this relationship. I didn’t question if I was ready for it, I didn’t expect anything. It was a long distance one, where neither of us where intending to move for the other, so we stayed put in a relationship that was doomed from the beginning, since it didn’t bring me a sense of progression.

Our goals didn’t align, we weren’t even that great friends. We where just stuck in the embrace and beauty of love.

It took me a long time realising this and even longer to open up about this and end the relationship.

What I didn’t realise then in my frustration was that it taught me a lesson about love that I feel so grateful for today.

That finding the right person to be in a relationship with trumps being in love with the first person you see who looks beautiful. That its important to have the conversation of dreams, goals, and find a deep friendship as well as have the love between the two of you. That just love isn’t enough, not if you can’t be yourself and pursue the dreams you have.

The 3rd door Faydra found herself stuck in a bad situation, a series of events (Wines) that trapped her, so she couldn’t move.

After a series of bad events happened to me, I chose to stay still, in that mess. At a standstill, frustrated of no possible escape from the bad I was in. Seeing no hope of escaping it anytime soon.

So, I withdrew, from everything into myself and just gave up moving forward.

What I didn’t see was that in that standstill, I learned a great deal about myself.

While not moving in the physical world I moved a great deal in my emotionally world.

Even though I felt guilty at the time for not having moved at all in those years, I now see how important those years was for me. I taught myself self- love during that time, so even though to others I didn’t move an inch, I moved a lot internally, and I wouldn’t be who I am today if I hadn’t made that choice to stand still for so long

The 4th door we see Faydra open and step into. The door with the 2 roads, one mysterious looking and the other one familiar.

How often have I made a choice of staying in what is comfortable instead of exploring the new?

To make the choice of what feels familiar to me, what feels safe, and find myself walking in circles, on the same path of familiarity. Wanting more but being too scared to step into the path of the unknown. Especially in fear of past experiences happening again.

Being too scared to enter a new relationship, trying a new hobby, taking risks, or meeting new people

I’ve made the choice of the familiar and safe many times and felt annoyed at myself that I never felt brave enough to make another choice. To walk in circles, experiencing the same day in and day out.

What I never realised is that the more I got used to safe and familiar, the more I craved new experiences, and eventually I choose to walk a brand new slightly scary road.

It was because I had walked in the same shoes for so long that gave me the bravery to try the new.

Now we found Faydra going through the last door, the 5th and final door.

Thinking that she has finally reached the treasure she is seeking, the reward. Then to her frustration and anger finding 5 new doors.

The point of this story and the 5th door is, you make a lot of choices in life, and while you make these choices, you might realise sometimes that the choices you made, where a mistake, a failure, and you feel like you are right there at the beginning again of your journey. In the same room with the 5 doors, not having really moved forward but more like a prolonged backtrack.

Thing is.

What Faydra didn’t realise, what I didn’t realise, is that every single choice, good or bad, especially the bad is never the wrong choice.

 Thinking at it deeply, think about how much you have learned from your past experiences, how much you have lived.

I have made a lot of choices in my life

 Some good, some bad. The bad ones made me feel that I was wasting my life, that I wasn’t moving anywhere, and I felt so annoyed that I didn’t seem to be able to make a really good choice, with the reward I was seeking.

When I look at every choice today that I have made, I am feeling grateful for every single lesson it taught me.

I am in a situation where I feel happy with where I am.

I am happy at my core.

There is still a lot I want to explore, many new doors I want to open, but I’m no longer scared to open the wrong one, because I realised that not any of the doors, I opened was a wrong choice for me. They where all doors that lead me to the point, I am in life today, with the life experience I have, and I feel so much more equipped to walk through the doors of life. To not feel frustration if I pick what I see in the moment as the wrong one but instead find a meaning with what did I learn from it.

At this very moment, I’m at a crossroad in my life where I have choices to make.

And I have decided to make a few choices, knowing that atleast one of these choices will end up failing. So why am I making a choice willingly knowing that it will fail?

Because I’m in great need of what this failure will teach me, going forward.

A failure I can use to later succed in what I am really chasing.

Sometimes to gain clarity in your life you have to fail at some things.

Make mistakes, take risks.

Without this you dont grow.

So I look forward to making mistakes and making the wrong choices, for the oppertunity to learn a great deal about myself and hone in on the things I am chasing in life.

This is why I wrote this story today, to partly remind future me of this, if I one day revert back to the impatient side of myself, where I judge myself for picking the wrong door, instead of valueing the lessons I learn on the path to finding the right door for me in life. The right choice for me.

Its also for you dear reader, if you ever find yourself in a position like this.

I encourage you to think about what you learned from your wrong choices in your life.

What did you learn from it?

What value did you get from this experience?

Feel free to type down below if this resonates with you 🙂

If not then I hope it was an entertaining read.

Have a truly magical and enlightened day.

Missfaylyn out and throug the next 5 doors in life.

Why do we fear change so much?

I’ll happily admit, I don’t like change.

I don’t like new things happening, I don’t like surprises, I like knowing what will happen tomorrow.

When my life is changing, I always feel I’m in the middle of the sea not being able to swim back to known shores. Just stuck, scared of drowning.

But if I think about it, and really think about it.

Every single change in my life has been for the better.

It has taught me valuable lessons, about myself.

It has brought me closer to happiness every time.

Unexpected change hurts the most yes. Heartbreak, loss and the list goes on.

Living in Foster care

When I was a teen I lived in foster care, only seeing my real parents in the weekend.

Back then I lived with a secret that I even managed to hide from myself most days.

A secret of sexual abuse, from my foster father.

At the time, I thought I was happy.

I was in high school or college? Not sure what it is in Denmark.

I had just turned 18.

I had a lot of friends, a boyfriend I loved.

The day my life changed forever I had gone to school with a smile on my face, looking forward to spending time with my boyfriend before I had to go home and study.

It was a normal day, and I had just gotten off school. I meet my boyfriend and we got into a fight, where I suddenly told him the secret, I had never told anyone before.

To this day I still don’t know why I did it. I had managed to lie to myself for years, that it wasn’t a big deal, been able to put this well-hidden secret into a box where I thought it belonged.

But here I was, after the words had escaped my mouth, looking at my boyfriend who was clearly in shock, and in that second my first thought was “Shit, change is about to happen”.

And it did.

My boyfriend had reacted a lot stronger than I thought he would, and in that moment I realised the lie I had lived with, how much that lie had destroyed so much in me. How much of a burden I had lived with, how that secret had torn away bits of myself with it.

That day everything changed.

I escaped my foster parents. When The secret got out, I had to realise the damage it had done to me, and I lived a year with post traumatic stress.

But that change was also the best that could happen to me.

I learned in that moment to never hide how I was feeling again. I learned what freedom tastes like. Freedom from a burden to hard to bear.

The moment I realised I was pregnant

I had a boyfriend I had only know for 6 months, and one day I took a pregnancy test.

I was scared of the answer telling me it was positive.

I had recently been diagnosed with depression, and I was only 20 years old.

Hardly able to take responsibility for myself, how could I take responsibility for a baby.

The test was positive and my first taught was “Oh shit, here we go again.”

And everything changed again.

But that change changed my life to the better.

I learned what love truly is.

A love from a mother to her daughter.

It’s the most beautiful love to me.

I now look at my daughter today and my heart fills with love, and pride.

Yes, I had been too young, and yes, I wasn’t really ready to be a mother, but I never regret a single second that it happened.

When I got out of an 8 year old relationship

I had lived with my fiancé for 8 years, and we were about to get married, when I found myself talking to a guy from the UK on coms.

I realised suddenly that I had developed feelings for this guy, and I was in shock.

My first thought was “Ohh shiiit, change incoming”.

I told my fiancé about my feelings and realised that the reason why I had found myself developing feelings for another guy, was because our relationship had gone from good to worse.

I no longer felt that we where good for each other, I felt that we had been more room mates for the last 2 years, and I felt stuck. I could see that he was just as unhappy, and we broke up.

It wasn’t because I wanted to date the other guy, it was because I could see then how truly wrong it was to get married.

It was the hardest change I’ve ever had to make, saying goodbye to someone I loved, living alone. Realising love isn’t always enough.

And this event changed my view on love, and I learned so much from it.

These 3 moments was one of the bigger events of change happening to me.

It was something that changed my entire world. My daily routine, how I viewed myself, and how I lived.

Yes, it was hard to change that much, but it was also the best moments in my life.

It was the best moments because it brought me closer to learning more about myself, and these events brought me happiness, that I couldn’t have known before.

Today I’m going through another change.

And yes, my initial thoughts were “Oh shit here we go again”, but its also change I’m welcoming.

Its change that’s necessary.

This time the change didn’t happen to me, but rather it’s a choice. Changing the ways, I’ve lived the last few years. Change that’s healthier for me.

So why do I still hate change so much?

When, I can see the good it does?

When, I can feel the good it does?

I think the reason why we fear change so much, is that we fear the unknown.

It’s a scary thought to not know what will happen tomorrow.

When at the same time we have to say goodbye to the lives we are so used to living.

Saying goodbye to the routine we had.

It’s a loss, and it’s a loss we have to morn too, even if its change that’s good for us.

I did morn the loss of the life I had when I lived with my foster parents. I mourned the loss of my foster siblings; I had gotten used to spend every day with and that I loved dearly. I never talked to them after the incident again, and I still miss them today.

I mourned the loss of my lifestyle before I had my daughter. Mostly I mourn my body before I got pregnant. I still have the belly fat from my pregnancy. I never really got rid of it.

I mourned saying goodbye to my fiancé. We had so many years together, and even though it was for the best for both of us, I still occasional miss the good times we shared.

Change can be hard to go through, but I think if we remember the good change brought us in the past, it can be a little bit easier to not fear as much.

To dive straight into the ocean of change, and just let the waves take you to new shores, instead of fighting it.

Do you fear change?

How did change in your life affect you today?

Missfaylyn out

Until next time

Have a truly magical day, today, tonight, tomorrow ❤

Too Sensitive too Love?

Inspiration has hit again, and today I want to write about 3 core moments in my past relationships.

Where my sensitive side came through.

  1. The Beauty of a Song…

The Phone rang, it was him.

She looked around in a panic.

Unsure if she should pick up…

She tried to wipe her tears and drown down her sobs.

She wrote him a message.

”ehm..can we talk soon I just need a moment 😊 “ she put a smiley on purpose

He was typing back…

She watched the dots dance on her screen, waiting nervously for his reply.

Her phone made a beep. Message had been received.

She read the message while nervously pulling at her shirt.

“What’s wrong? You know you can talk to me if you are upset right?” He wrote

She laughed nervously and felt really stupid, so ashamed. Would he really understand if she told him why she was upset?

What if she told him and he thought her to be a little crazy? To be too sensitive?

She decided to write him back and see what his reply would be.

Yep, she defo felt a bit stupid.

“Ehm… I’m okay… I’m just crying a bit, but it’s nothing really, I just wanted to gather myself a little and then call you back in like 5 mins, but I if you want, I can talk to you about it” “I’m sorry I feel a little bit silly”

The phone rang again, before she picked up, she took a deep breath, tried to smile a little, but just ended up laughing a little nervously again.

“hey…..”

Her voice was quiet and a little shaky. Her cheeks flushed pink, and she felt so ashamed.

“Hey Hunny Bunny, what’s wrong?” There was so much love and care in his voice it almost made her break into tears again.

“……. this is ehm, really embarrassing… but I’ll try to explain” she felt her cheeks flush an even harder red. Her voice cracked a little.

“okay” his voice more serious this time

“So… I was just listening to music, chilling, when this song suddenly played. The song was so beautiful and so sad at the same time, that I couldn’t help myself. I’ve been crying since, unable to stop...

It was just so beautiful that I had to really feel it. When you called and I was still crying I felt a bit embarrassed” she hoped he would understand, and not think she was crazy.

She had only just started dating him, they had been together for 2 months, and she hadn’t really told him about her being an HSP or shown him her sensitive side yet.

This was not the first time a song had moved her to tears. She had a deep connection to music and often felt the emotions go through her when she listened to music.

“You had me scared there for a second Fay, I thought it was something more serious” He still sounded so serious

She got a little scared that she had made herself sound more crazy then she was. How could she explain how she felt, why she cried, why it wasn’t a bad thing? She loved feeling so deeply. How could she explain the song was every colour in a rainbow, a sunrise, midnight silence, it was the wind playing with her hair.

She didn’t know how to explain so she just said

“yeah, I’m sorry I’m a little bit silly, you know when I told you I get a little sensitive sometimes. Well, this is one of those moments, I just…” she took a deep breath and finished her sentence

“I just need a bit time sometimes to just sit alone and deal, but I promise you I’m actually feeling pretty good, I missed you, you want to watch something”

They watched a movie that night, silence between them. She never talked about her sensitive side aside from that night.

2. Why you should never fight before bed time

She was so furious she wanted to scream, so frustrated that she felt like pulling her own hair out, so angry she wanted to kick the wall.

Instead, she put her favourite heavy metal album on.

She started crying and in between sobs, she started to sing along.

Singing along to heavy metal always made her walk through her anger.

It was the wrong song, she looked through the songs until she found the perfect one.

With enough speed and anger.

He tried calling her.

She knew if she talked to him now, she would say something she would regret, something he would regret. She had told him she needed time to let the anger pass through her before she could discuss why she was so angry, why she was hurt by his words.

He had told her that she was too sensitive, that she needed to grow the fuck up. There had been so much anger in his voice.

She knew he didn’t mean it. She knew that he had just had another really bad day at work and wanted to pick a fight.

They had been together for 3 years now, how could he still not tell that she hated fights. How could he not know still that the fights hurt her deeply, that she would overthink them, and that she really hated conflict.

How could he not know still that she wanted more then anything to talk to him if he felt bad about something, that she would be there, listen to him, help him trough it.

But she also knew that he didn’t want to get all touchy feely like that, she knew that he didn’t want to open up about how unhappy he felt at work.

Could he not tell that she knew all this, that she could tell what it did to him, that she could spot his voice changing when they talked.

He wrote her…

“Pick up now, we have to talk about this, you better pick up right NOW! Or else!”

She was so angry, but she really needed more time, she knew it would be a bad idea to talk now. Like really bad. She knew she wouldn’t be sleeping tonight, but what could she do, no matter how much she explained it to him he never really understood what it did to her, talking to each other this way.

She took a deep breath, tried to channel her anger into a box, and just calm down a little before they talked.

She called him…

“WHAT THE FUCK Fay!, you cant just leave like that when we are talking, you cant just run like that”

The anger in his voice was undeniable. She knew it was more about his day then him being angry at her.

The lump in her throat got bigger making it hard to swallow, her chest hurt, her head hurt. She felt the fury within her rise, the hair on her arms rise, her muscles in her back tense.

She mustered every power she had in her voice and said as calmly as she possible could. Her voice sounded a lot colder than she intended, but at least she managed to mask the angry tone in it a little

“When we fight like this, I have to go chill a little, I don’t like being this angry, I don’t want to say anything that hurts you, I don’t want to say something I regret. You know I love you, but I feel you are being a bit unfair”

They talked for 2 hours and 15 minutes. It was well past midnight and they had been fighting for 2. The last 15 minutes they had spend trying to calmly talk about something else, so they wouldn’t leave the call, in anger. She knew 2 hours had not been enough, but it was past midnight, and they both needed to sleep.

She crawled her way to her bed, exhausted. She knew she had an appointment tomorrow early morning, but she felt so drained, so she would end up cancelling.

She was lying in her bed, twiddling her tombs, looking up into the ceiling, trying to sleep.

Even though she was so tired, she still felt the anger, the hurt. Her heart raced.

How could she have turned that around, how could she have prevented this to happen, how could she in the future find a way to stop the fighting and make him feel a little better after a bad day at work?

How could she explain to him that she couldn’t deal with these fights this way? That going to bed this angry, this late, it would be impossible to sleep.

4 hours later, she was still awake, thinking, still feeling angry and hurt.

It was morning now, and she gave up trying to sleep. She felt the need to write her feelings down, to listen to calm music and just try to forget what had happened. Hopefully he would be in a better mood today after work. She could only hope.

She got up and cancelled her appointment, and wrote furiously in her journal while singing along to heavy metal.

She talked with him later that night, but it felt like walking on eggshells, she found herself scared of saying the wrong things, she felt the rift between them grow bigger, but instead of talking it out, she kept quiet, not wanting to create another conflict. She burried any residual anger into a box, knowing it was the worst thing she could do, but she didnt know how to communicate in a way without having to fight.

3. The guy sitting on a bench

They where walking hand in hand down the street, talking lovingly to each other, sharing the moments that they had realised they had feelings for each other.

Today she had been brave enough to tell him how she felt about him, and he had responded with, that he was also in love with her.

They were walking into town, with their friends.

She was smiling and felt really happy but was also a little scared.

How well did she know him? How well did he know her? How would he respond to her sensitivity?

She was always terrified of opening up to someone else. To let others, see her sensitive nature.

She looked at him and he looked back with a big smile, she blushed and smiled back.

It would be okay, she felt more at ease now.

Suddenly while they had been walking for a while, she heard crying.

She turned her head to her side and saw a guy sitting on a bench, crying. He was drunk. Without thinking she stopped and moved towards the guy. She sat down on her knee, a comforting hand on his back and asked him if he was, okay?

Normally she would be a bit more hesitant about just going over like that, but she couldn’t explain it, she felt a pull towards this guy. She had acted before really thinking if it was the right thing to do or not, society wise.

He looked up at her and told her a story that had happened to him that night, he had, had his heart broken. She felt so moved and felt like it sounded like he could need some company tonight. So, she asked him if he wanted to tag along, at least to take his mind off things a bit.

She couldn’t explain it, but she felt that what he needed right now was to not be alone.

He agreed and the whole way into town, she talked to him, comforted him the best she could, trying to make him smile a little.

Her new boyfriend walked in the back, she knew he wasn’t happy about this, and she would try to explain why she had felt this sudden need. She would rather hold hands with her boyfriend right now, but her heart couldn’t just abandon this stranger in need.

She was sure her boyfriend would understand. Right?

The evening went by.

The stranger she had meet started feeling a bit better, he thanked her kindly for being there, when he really had needed a bit of company to deal with what had happened to him earlier. She waved goodbye and thanked him too for a nice chat and that it was nice to meet him.

She turned to talk to her new boyfriend.

He was silent and looked angry.

This was not going to be pretty. She knew.

He wouldn’t understand.

“How could you just go over to a stranger like that” The anger in his voice was undeniable “it’s not normal to be with me and then pick up a guy like that and then flirt with him”

Her eyes wide. She was shocked.

Hearing his words. She had expected something all right but not that.

She had just been a kind Samaritan or tried to be. She had not flirted with the guy, but she just couldn’t walk away from someone crying like that.

How could anyone walk away from a person in need like that?

If she had been on the bench crying, she would have wished someone would come talk to her.

It wasn’t like it wasn’t scary to do it, it wasn’t that it wasn’t inconvenient, of course she would rather spend time with her boyfriend, especially on the first day, but she couldn’t in good conscience just walk away.

She tried to explain why she had done it, that she wasn’t flirting, that she was just like that.

She could never just ignore someone in pain. It wasn’t who she was

“I’m sorry” he said, still angry “but I can’t be with someone like that, Its not normal. We just found each other tonight how can you act this way?”

She felt the tears in her eyes, shocked she looked at him, she wanted to say so much more but the only thing she managed to say was.

“I’m sorry but this is who I am”

He walked away, she watched him walk away, and she knew that her sensitive side had again been the downfall of another relationship. Misunderstood yet again.

She walked home alone that night, with a heavy chest, but with a clear conscience that at least she had managed to make someone feel a little bit better tonight. She hoped the guy on the bench was feeling a bit better.

She questioned if she should have explained herself better, but then again, if he couldnt except that side of her, it was probably for the best to call it a day. She would never be able to give away that side of herself, nor did she want to give that up.

These 3 moments is 3 moments I’ve never been able to forget.

Moments in my life where I found it so hard to communicate why I feel or act differently.

It’s the HSP side of me, where I feel no matter how much I try to explain I always come short.

Often people find me to dramatic, too sensitive, but to me its normal and I have a hard time understanding what the norm should be.

Do I wish I could have acted differently?

No, because then I would give up on who I am.

Yes I am sensitive, I cry a lot, especially to things that touch me, things I find beautiful, I shy away from conflict, I drop everything to help someone in need.

These 3 relationships didnt last, because of one main reason. We failed in our communication.

Communication for me is one of the hardest things for me, I try my best, I really do, but when you go into a relationship already failing to be understood in the quirky ways you react and act sometimes, its hard to build that communication into something thats healthy.

Could I have acted differently?

Yes.

Could they have acted differently?

Yes

No relationship is perfect.

A quote about love that I really love is this

“When you like a flower you just pluck it. But when you love a flower, you water it daily”

Gautama Buddha

To me this quote, is about love. A love that you tend and nuture, daily, to watch it grow into the beautiful flower it is. You never try to control it, by plugging it, you instead take pride in watching it grow in the wild.

To me love is like that.

Love is Just Love

Im a sensitive snowflake, im quirky, I react from my empathy towards others. I have baggage, sometimes I can be a drama queen, not because I intend to make drama, but because I feel, and I feel deeply, I’m more heart then head. I don’t always think of how I act, I just act what I feel.

Sometimes I still feel I have to put a lid on myself in some situations, sometimes I feel like I have to hide my emotions.

And for me its so hard not being able to just be yourself, and to be accepted as is.

I think where I fail to communicate how I really feel in situations or to be honest of how I feel, is because Ive always felt so misunderstood and so wrong in my reactions.

I grew up in a world where showing emotions, wasnt okay.

I grew up thinking I had to hide them.

I got used to shouting matches, and got critisized for running away from conflict, even when the conflict would overextend and never really be resolved to a point where its healthy.

Its easier to be angry right? Then admit how you really feel in your life?

If you have a bad day at work or if you feel you come short at things in your life, if you feel insecure or scared, its easier to just be angry that the toilet seat is still up.

I grew up in a world where empathy towards strangers isnt a common thing. Seeing a person in the street upset, its less complicated to just keep walking.

What I wish we had in the world instead was that emotions is to be understood as a strenght instead of something thats wierd to act out.

Where we can open up about whats really inside of our hearts instead of putting a lit on it.

Ive been doing a lot of soul searching thinking back on my love relationships and aknowledge that I shouldnt fear my sensitive side. I shouldnt fear my emotions and I shouldnt feel ashamed for “running” away during a conflict to collect myself to return less angry.

I’m sensitive, but that in a relationship makes me more empathetic towards my partner.

I can sense behind the surface of what they let on, and can be there fully hearted.

Because I can cry over something thats beautiful, gives me the inate abilty to find beauty in the smallest detail. I feel a deep love for life because of it, and are generally happier because of it.

Lately I just think more deeply on these past moments in my life, I dont remember them as a negative thing but as a leasson how to go into my next relationship. How to be more honest about my feelings, and to let them in to see who I really am.

Are there any moments in your previous relationships that you remember?

What have you learned from them?

Feel free to comment down below 🙂

Missfaylyn out 🙂 Until next time 😉

TOO Sensitive… TOO Nice…TOO Caring…

Soo I’ve been trying to work on my videos all week, but the heat is driving me mad, so I started thinking and surprisingly it wasn’t my videos that was on mind this time.

It was being a highly sensitive.

I’ve written about being a highly sensitive person before, one of my first post’s when I started blogging a few years ago, but I never went into detail about this.

Thing is, yes it did change my life finding out I was a highly sensitive person.

It was an explanation to why I’ve always felt so different.

Being told that you are too sensitive, too emotional all your life, and suddenly realising that around 30 % of the world’s population are the same, it’s a comfort.

The feeling I’ve been getting my whole life is basically.

Imagine you travel to a country so different to your country, with a completely different culture, and you try to fit in, to blend in, but everyone acts so different to you, that you feel more alienated than you feel like you belong. You try so hard to fit in. You learn the language, but you can’t escape the accent you have, and everyone that you meet comments on this.

You try to eventually in time embrace that you are different, but it’s hard, because everyone expects more from you. They expect without words that you know how to act, that you speak their language fluently, so it’s a constant battle balancing trying to fit in and trying to accept that you are different.

Since I can remember, I’ve always been told I’m too nice, too emotional, too sensitive, too caring. Problem isn’t in the nice, emotional, and sensitive side. It’s the TOO that’s the issue. When you put a too behind a word, it takes the positive meaning out of the word and turns it into a negative one.

I’ve often not understood and still to this day have issues understanding how one can be TOO nice or TOO caring?

Isn’t caring a good thing?

The people in my life in my past and present who tells me this, doesn’t do it to be mean, they do it because they care.

Thing is that I have a hard time communicating, it’s that for me, I can’t just turn off these things.

Trust me I’ve tried.

It’s not a switch you can turn off or put the volume down on.

Being a highly sensitive person is something you are born with, it’s who you are.

Being a highly sensitive person has a lot of good qualities, and I will go over those in another blog post soon, but it does have a shadow side too.

The shadow side of being a highly sensitive person, for me is that no matter how much you try to fit in, you will always feel out of place and misunderstood.

I’ll give you a few examples.

Moments in my life where I just wanted to tear my hair off trying to explain why I couldn’t just turn the sensitive side off.

Overstimulation

I always had a lot of friends, and always loved spending time with them in big groups.

When we went out to meet up, we planned to meet up again next day, and I promised I would defo be there, until the day arrived and I realised that I was completely knackered, so I cancelled.

This would often happen, and back then I failed to explain why I cancelled.

I was so ashamed of feeling drained, because I was the only one, I felt in the group of friends that had this issue.

Sometimes I would just go anyway, but if I did push myself to go out even though I didn’t feel like it, I was in a mood all night, with zero energy. Sometimes I would even push through this to hide how I really felt and ended up being hyper instead. Zooming around, talking too loudly, consuming too much alcohol, and ended up doing stupid things.

My friends did not understand my sudden mood swings, being hyper or cancelling an hour before a meet up.

And I failed back then to explain why. I came up with excuses, that only explained maybe 20 % of what was really going on.

I was seen as the crazy Fay. That still sticks amongst my friends today. That I’m a little crazy.

But how do you explain you get overstimulated to the point where it just affects you too much.

When I got overstimulated as a child, I got told off by the adults around me. I learned quickly then that it was a bad thing and to hide it when I felt it.

Overstimulation for me is too much sound, too many lights, too many people in a tight space.

Let’s dive deep into this.

Let’s take sound first.

Imagine you sitting in a classroom and the teacher uses chalk on the board. You hear the screeching sound, over and over again.

It’s annoying, and you want to put your hands to your ears or ask the teacher to stop making that horrible sound.

But you don’t, you look around and no one around is affected by this, only you.

So, you pretend you are fine, and that all is good.

You stomach the sound for what feels like hours on end.

Feel what this does to you.

Let’s take lights next.

Imagine you go into a room and instead of just one light bulb lighting the room, imagine there are 5. Its super bright and you feel your eyes strain from this, you feel the discomfort it brings. You walk into another room and it’s so dark you can hardly see where you are walking. You stumble your way through and don’t understand why anyone would set the lights at these settings.

You look around and you see people near you smiling, chatting, like everything is right with the world.

It really bugs you that no one seems to notice this, so you pretend that everything is fine, and you smile and chat the best you can.

How does this make you feel?

Let’s take the last one, people.

You sit in a room full of people.

You all watch a movie together.

The movie contains horrible things. You feel disgusted by the cruelty of what is happening on the screen.

Imagine the worst horror movie you have ever seen, the chills on your back, the feeling of just wanting to close your eyes.

In the back someone is crying. So heavily that you feel moved too, your immediate instinct is to go over and see if you can help. Suddenly the crying stops, and the movie changes. You see beautiful pictures on the screen, you hear the most beautiful heartfelt song from the speakers. It reminds you of your wedding day, watching your new-born for the first time, being in love for the first time. You can’t help but shed a tear, you look around and realise no one else seemed affected at all by the pictures on screen. No one but you, had noticed the horror, the crying, the beautiful moments, and you sit in the room and feel alone.

You try to hide this to fit in. So, you wipe the tear from your cheek and smile.

It was a little overdramatized, but this is what I feel, when I get overstimulated.

I learned to hide it, but the feeling still sticks, and you feel out of place.

You can’t just turn the sound off; you can’t just correct the light settings in every room, and you can’t just react to every emotion you feel or see around you.

Only thing you can do is stomach it most days.

What I never learned is to take better care of my highly sensitive side.

I drowned out my own needs trying too hard to just fit in.

Its only in the last few years that I practise taking better care of my sensitive self, and in doing so, I’m no longer as stressed as I used to be, I am better at being in the present.

But in doing this I have to say no to a lot of appointments and meetups.

My rule is to never do anything 2 days in a row, and to try to minimise the inputs I get by taking small breaks from time to time.

Another moment in my life where I felt out of place, and very different, was the time I experienced heartbreak.

My boyfriend and me had ended our 5-year relationship and I took it hard.

Like very hard.

Heartbreak is never easy, and for the sensitive side of me, its constant self-care.

Heartbreak doesn’t just hurt emotionally. For me it hurts physically too.

Before my first heartbreak I never understood why it was called heartbreak. It’s not like a heart can break, not physically anyway. That’s what I thought.

Thing is, that’s exactly what it feels like.

My heart hurt constantly for a week. My chest felt heavy, I cried nonstop with small breaks thinking I literally had no tears left to then my surprise starting again at full volume the second time. It didn’t matter I was sitting amongst friends in public, no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t control my tears and my emotional sobs.  

My friends understood, for a time, thinking it would pass in a weeks’ time.

The worst of it did, but I was far from okay. A month later, sometimes 2 I would still be having my uncontrolled outbursts.

Eventually I did feel okay, but not before my friends and my family had repeatedly told me to get over it in the nicest way possible. They didn’t understand why 6 months later I would still be crying about it.

I didn’t understand it myself.

It wasn’t like I didn’t understand why the breakup had to happen. It wasn’t because I wasn’t okay with it, but I just felt the emotions of a loss so deeply, that I couldn’t help it.

I’ve later learned to go through strong emotions like that in a more controlled space.

I let myself feel it instead of trying to force myself to feel less of it.

So, I cry while listening to music, and I walk through the emotion. I let it pass through me until I feel a bit better, and I walk back to talk to friends and family after that, where I can better manage at being present.

It’s not just heartbreak that feels overwhelming.

Ask my friends and family when I’m in love. I drive them nuts.

I laugh all the time, and my smile is turned up all the way up to my ears. It’s a nice feeling but can also be super annoying. Imagine if you smile all day long, your face feels pretty weird after it.

I don’t eat or sleep during that time, I can’t. Too much going on in my body and mind.

So, to my friends I’m just running around like a bird on speed, twirping all day.

I understand why they might find it annoying; thing is I find it to be annoying.

It does feel great to be on cloud 9 all the time, but not being able to eat or sleep much and being in a constant state of dreamy happiness for a month it’s a lot.

When I have explained what being a highly sensitive person means to me, to people close to me, most have always hit me with this sentence…

“It sounds like being a highly sensitive person isn’t a good thing! It sounds like it’s a burden”

Thing is, it can be, but I think it’s because we live in a world where it’s hard to take breaks from the impressions all around you.

It’s hard to explain your emotions to others that don’t feel them as deeply.

It’s hard to try to explain why it’s so hard to stop overthinking.

Basically, to me, what makes it the hardest to deal with being a highly sensitive, is the feeling of being misunderstood, of feeling like being an alien visiting planet earth.

It’s hard trying to drown down emotions and your own reaction to things.

It’s hard to say no and disappoint people close to you because you have to put your own health and mental health first.

It’s hard not being able to talk to others who understand what being highly sensitive means.

Do I wish I was born differently knowing this?

Absolutely not.

The good sides I got from being a highly sensitive person outweighs the bad.

I think the only thing I really wish is that people would stop putting TOO into every word that is the good things about being a highly sensitive person.

I wish we would be a bit more understood in the society we live in, and don’t get asked to drown down half off ourselves just because we are different.

Would you feel comfortable in your skin if you had to drown down yourself your entire life? Just because you are TOO much yourself?

Feel free to comment down below if you can relate or know anyone who is a highly sensitive person 😊

I will post more on this subject when inspiration hits me.

Friendship should be about being able to be YOURSELF.

I wanted to write about friendship as an HSP (Highly sensitive person), but the more I looked at the empty paper in front of me I just couldn’t put into words what I was going to write.

I kept thinking back to one episode in my life that was recent in my mind still.

I decided to just go with the flow and ended up with this.

A tear ran down her cheek, silently, reflecting the light in her room.

Music playing through her headset, heavy metal, songs of anger and pain.

She felt the anger rise in her chest and had to release it before she burst into a rage.

She hated feeling anger.

She only felt angry now because she was yet again in a situation beyond her control.

She understood that it wasn’t her fault.

She understood it was just a misunderstanding, yet she couldn’t explain that to them.

She had spent so much energy trying to explain what had really happened 2 years ago.

Why she had been gone, why she had been sad, why she had been angry.

She had tried to explain how much their actions had affected her, how it had broken her heart.

She had tried to explain that it wasn’t his fault, it wasn’t their fault, she just had to deal with it herself.

It had been a rough period in her life.

She had realised then that the loneliness inside of her, wasn’t being filled with activity and people all around her from morning to late night. It was a loneliness that was all consuming, a loneliness she had to heal slowly deep within her, one step by step, or it would swallow her whole.

How could she explain that to her friends?

That she just from one day to the other had changed?

That she finally had realised the lie she had told herself for years…

The lie that she didn’t care about her own happiness, that she liked her life as it was, that she liked being in charge, that she was naïve, pretending not knowing things, to play innocent, when she knew in her heart she wasn’t.

She was playing the role she had for years, the role she had learned to play her entire life.

The role of the innocent, the naïve sweet girl who was always smiling, who never shared how she felt inside.

She had held back and bit her tongue for years. She held back when she disagreed with others.

She had dropped everything to be there for everyone when she would rather do something else.

She had rarely said no, and if she did, she had felt guilty. So guilty that she ended up doing it anyway.

She had no boundaries and had no idea how to create healthy boundaries for herself.

She was at her core a people pleaser. Not because she liked that part of her, but because she couldn’t bear it to see people around her not happy.

When and if she had burst into emotion, either anger or pain, yes, her friends had been there for her, but she had gone to bed feeling so guilty and worried how they felt about the sudden emotion outburst from her.

She had sensed some distress from them, a slight change in voice, that had hurried her to change her tears into a smile.

In the past she had always hid away her tears from people she cared for. She had always dealt with emotions herself, until people close to her had asked her not to run away when she was upset, but instead share.

So, she had, and they where happy for a while being there for her, and she had been happy to feel loved in return, something she hadn’t felt to that extend before.

Thing is, she knew her feelings were intense.

They always had been intense.

Anger, pain, happiness, even love felt intense.

So intense that her mood changed everything around her.

Her happiness drew people in, made them feel safe and happy as well.

She was fun to be around, and she knew it.

But that was only when she was happy.

When she was angry, she often felt the room freeze, she felt it go quiet. The quiet was the worst. She hated the quiet.

When she was sad, she was like in a fog, and the world moved in slow motion. Everything slowed down, everyone around her slowed down.

It wasn’t that she started acting out her anger, or cried out in pain when she was sad, she just went quiet.

But her tone changed, and her facial expressions changed so much that it was almost impossible to hide, unless she ran away to hide as she had always done.

Feeling everything so intense and living in a world where she felt she had to either hide it or apologise for it, was too much.

She had hated being the way she was.

Even though she knew her intense feelings also granted the ability to feel a strong empathy towards others. The creativity it would bring.

She wanted to believe more then anything that being a highly sensitive person was a good thing.

She tried to explain that HSP was a good thing, but often people always replied back that it must be a burden to feel everything so intensely. That it didn’t sound like a good thing.

She had always felt different, her entire life alienated by the people close to her, to be the crazy one, the drama queen, the emotional one.

Until she had found out she wasn’t alone.

Being a highly sensitive person.

There were others.

In fact, there were 20 % of the worlds population that were like her, well had the same traits as her.

So why did she still feel alienated by the world? By her friends, her family?

Was it really up to her to learn how to feel less, to show less, to act more normal?

Should she hide or be authentic?

If she hid, she never felt connected to anyone. If she hid, she would just hurt people around her because she never opened up.

If she shared, she would end up being too much, and get hurt in return.

She had tried again and again to explain her emotions when they hit. Why it was okay she cried, why she just needed a little time when she was angry to be okay again, why she had to disappear sometimes to recharge when it got too busy.

But no matter what she did, how she did, it was always the wrong thing to do, and she would always end up being the too sensitive one, the drama queen, the friend who hid.

She would often late at night contemplate emotions and why the world thought it okay to hide them away.

Why it was an embarrassment to burst into tears and open up about the pains and troubles people had in their lives from time to time.

Should we really live in a world where emotions where only okay if it was in small portions and where the negative emotions should be hidden away, drowned down, put into a box.

How are we really alive if we don’t feel both the good and the bad?

How could she explain to her friends that even though she was sad, it wasn’t a negative thing?

Being sad, followed the sweet relief of having unburdened your heart. The feeling of freedom, of feeling light as a feather.

Even anger was a good feeling because anger brought activity, determination, the feeling of bravery. It was an energy boost.

Feeling love was like flying through the clouds, seeing the world in a million colours and not being able to stop laughing. Like every cell in your body was smiling and laughing at the same time.

How could emotions be so bad.

How could emotions cause drama.

She understood causing drama as something you did on purpose to hurt or cause trouble around you.

Thing is as a highly sensitive person; it is never intentional hurting someone else.

If you cross that line as an HSP, the guilt and the shame that comes after hurts 10-fold, so you avoid hurting others at all costs.

The feeling of guilt was the worst feeling she had ever had to deal with. The shame of it, almost drove her mad. It was something that could easily take months to heal through.

The guilt of having hurt someone she loved still haunted her today.

Yet she was happy she had that experience because she had learned never ever to do it again.

She had learned that honesty was always the only option in a relationship: Because dishonesty hurt more in the long run.

She knew that she couldn’t avoid hurting others, she couldn’t avoid disappointing others, she couldn’t avoid getting hurt in return.

What she had realised now, was something she knew would change her life.

She didn’t want to feel she had to hide who she was at her core anymore.

She didn’t want to feel that being a highly sensitive person was something to be ashamed about.

She didn’t want to explain over and over to her friends, why she felt so strongly, why she sometimes were overwhelmed by impressions and why she sometimes had to take breaks to recharge.

She had come to a realisation 2 years ago, that she was different yes, but instead of hiding away from it, and try to fit in, to just embrace it instead.

She couldn’t control if she was liked by everyone. She couldn’t control if she lost friends, loved one’s through time, but she could control her own happiness.

Over the last 2 years she had slowly learned to be happy alone. Something she had always found uncomfortable being an extrovert.

Was it possible to be an extrovert as a highly sensitive?

Sometimes she had her doubts about that.

She had never met another HSP and longed for the day where she would be brave enough to reach out and to hopefully one day feel less alone in the world.

At her core, she wasn’t embarrassed by her emotions. They where a part of who she was.

The part of her that were truly alive.

The part of her that could dance in the rain in the middle of an abandoned street.

The part of her that would sing along to heavy metal and play games like never before when she was angry. So many of her stories written on her computer had been born in anger.

Same with sadness. Creativity blossoming, planting roots, growing far into the sky.

The first smile after having felt heartbroken, the first spontaneous laugh, is the best laugh after a period of sadness.

Where would she be if not for those emotions.

The lessons her anger and sadness had taught her. How much had she not grown from those emotions being present in her life?

She was a highly sensitive person.

Majority would never understand her, Majority would always misunderstand her intention and her actions, but she knew who she was now. She knew what she had to do.  

She knew she had to be authentic. She knew some would always find her to be different, she knew most wouldn’t understand. She knew that she had to create boundaries. She knew she had to learn to say no. To think of herself and her own needs first.

She knew that she if she didn’t, she would never have enough energy to really be there for her loved ones. She knew some would be hurt by this sudden change of behaviour. That people around her had always depended on her to be active and always around. To be there night and day despite her own needs.

She knew she couldn’t go on like that anymore.

She knew sometimes she would have to be honest about her opinions, to voice her concerns, to sometimes disagree with people around her.

She knew she would have to walk away from people who would drain her of her energy and never give any care back.

She had learned to spend her energy on herself mostly, take time to breathe, to reflect, to take care of herself.

2 Years ago, she had changed.

She was finally happy at her core.

Sad that her friends still didn’t understand, but she finally understood what friendship is about.

Friendship should be about being able to be yourself.

This little story was inspired from the last 2 years of my life.

2 years ago, I had a falling out with a few of my friends.

During that time, spending a lot of my time on my own, I realised how my friendships had been.

How destructive to me it was. It wasn’t their fault; it was my fault.

The way I always hid a big part of who I am away, because of fear of feeling different. Of being alienated.

The way I never had boundaries, that would lead to burnout and emotional outbursts.

I knew I had to change so I took a journey inside, to really feel how I was feeling, instead of dismissing my feelings I went through them one by one, to try and understand why I was feeling this way.

I learned to be alone with them and to feel okay.

I learned to take better care of myself.

Was it hard changing my ways?

Absolutely.

But it was worth it, I am in a better place today because of it.

Instead of feeling shame of my own feelings, I embrace them, go through them, and use them.

I use them to be creative.

I’ve learned to control the intensity a little bit, so they don’t last as long, with a lot of selfcare.

What I still need to learn is to be a better friend, to be more authentic, and to be open about being an HSP.

To not shy away from who I am anymore.

I want to dive deeper into this subject another time, so stay tuned for part 2

Missfaylyn out and have a fantastic day

Bombardement of Impressions as a Highly Sensitive Person

One of the subjects that’s been on my mind lately, is something the last few years and especially in my past I’ve struggled with.

So much so that I avoided it as much as I could.

The subject I want to talk about today, is something so simple as going outside my door.

I’ve always found it hard to explain why I don’t like going out more. People close to me has always thought it was fear, but it’s a lot deeper than that, and something that’s hard to put into words.

For me sitting on a bus on the way to shops in town, or to go visit a friend somewhere, or even just go for a small walk around my block, has always filled me with the feeling of being overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed by noise, and impressions from everything.

Like when I sit inside a bus and its rush hour.

I’m extroverted, I like being around people, but too many feels like my whole system are being bombarded with impressions all the time.

At times I can drown those impressions down a little, by putting on my headset and listening to loud music or reading a book, but mostly when I get home, I just feel so drained that I just want to crawl into bed and sleep.

I’m a highly sensitive person, and I didn’t know this fact about myself growing up, so I just had to get through the feeling of being constantly overwhelmed.

Ill try and explain a bit further of what this does to me.

Imagine you sitting in the bus and there are no seats, so you are standing up. Its crowded and everyone’s talking either to each other or on the phone. Someone is listening to music.

It’s loud, like someone turned up the television a little to loud to be comfortable.

What is even louder is when you look around and you look at everyone’s facial expression. Some are chilling with a book, or someone looks happy, but it’s the faces of people being uncomfortable, you notice. Some look annoyed, some look a little angry some look stressed.

You try your best to not look around, but sometimes you catch a glimpse, and you wish you could do something to put a smile on the faces, but you know its not because they are angry or upset, its just rush hour.

You start to feel that stress and start feeling a little annoyed yourself.

You really don’t like that feeling of stress, of being annoyed.

It feels like someone is pulling your back down, with rocks. You feel your face muscles retract into an awkward position.

It’s a beautiful day and you would rather just smile and be happy.

Someone is pushing behind you, and quickly apologises to you, you nod and try to smile a little, understanding that it’s cramped in here and it’s not their fault.

Only 3 more stops and finally you can get out to breathe a little.

The air feels so heavy, and the smell of sweat gets to you. The lighting is too bright and just not comfortable at all.

You hear a big truck driving past the bus, and you almost jump a little by this sudden loud sound.

2 more stops you can’t wait to get outside.

A woman with a stroller gets into the bus, the child cries, and she holds her baby tight, trying to comfort it. You understand the toddler and almost want to do the same.

You feel a little embarrassed by this, and, also that you are feeling more and more angry. You try to smile a little so people around you won’t get too affected by your obvious mood.

Its just rush hour, and everyone is trying to get around the town. Its not the bus drivers’ fault, it’s not the peoples. It’s not your fault, it just is.

Finally next stop is your stop, and you try to get ready for exit. You politely start moving forward to reach the exit, and smile to everyone on the way out.

You get out and feel so tired, you sit down for a second before you hit the shops in town, you know it’s a crowded time, but fresh air is good for you, and you are about to meet a friend in town. You hope that the way home is a little less crowded and you can sit down and zone out a bit by reading your book. At least that way you whole system can take a little break from too many impressions.

Overwhelm is a feeling that’s so hard to describe for me, and I hope I tried my best with the scenario above.

I think most people get annoyed being in a crowded bus, but I think why I try so hard to avoid this feeling for me, is that it sits with me for most of the day.

I just feel like all my energy is sucked right out of me, when I am put into a situation where there is a lot going on.

I live in the big city and I at times wish I lived some place more secluded.

I have since I can remember always felt so overwhelmed that I learned quickly to escape into books or music.

When I was in school, I would try to look out the window and focus on the leaves on a big tree nearby to escape some of the impressions I got from sitting in a classroom full of 25 + students.

I would take a book from home with me and read in that when the teacher was writing on the board or talking to class.

I would take a few second of breaks where I could take them.

In my early years in school my teacher would complain to my parents that I was daydreaming too much, so I tried to take less “daydreaming” breaks and just ended going home from school exhausted every day.

I became an expert soon enough to just live with this constant bombardment of impressions.

What I mean by bombardment of impressions is.

You notice everything.

Lights are so bright. Scent gets to you, good and bad, especially bad. You can feel the air when it’s heavy, the sound of traffic almost feels like someone turned up the volume too loud.

When I became an adult, and going into town, to parties, it was easier to use alcohol to numb some of the feelings down, and it later became my cigarettes that took some of the edge of stress off.

Thing is being at home where I can control my lighting and the sounds, and just be in a calm surrounding that I can control is just so much better.

I do love going out to travel or see new things.

I love being in a place where the mood is great, and everyone is happy.

I love being in a forest or going to the beach, but when you live smack middle in a city there will be a crowded bus or two to get to those places.

I would give anything to not feel so overwhelmed when I go out, but I’ve learned that being a highly sensitive person its just something I have to deal with.

I did learn though that taking small breaks in between it helps a little.

Even though I haven’t been out much the last 2 years I’ve also learned that I still have to do what’s uncomfortable sometimes to really live in the world.

But I’ve also learned to not necessarily push myself to do it too much.

Being hypervigilant to everything can be hard to get used to, I don’t think ill ever get used to it.

But it does have its perks sometimes.

Like when I’m in a forest.

I feel everything in that Forrest. The feel of quiet air on my skin, the natural sound of leaves in the wind, the bird song in the trees. The tree bark on my palm.

When I’m in that moment, its beautiful, more than beautiful. Something that can’t be described in enough words.

Being a highly sensitive person, for me, the hardest thing about it, is the feeling of being overwhelmed with impressions, so yes I’ve tried my best to avoid scenarios like being in a crowded bus.

Because I am an extrovert, I used to in the past to push myself to stay out longer, to say yes to every meetup, and ignored what it did to my body and my own mental wellfare.

But the longer I did it, the bigger affect it had on me, where I just felt stressed and hyper all the time.

Until I started gaming and ended up being at home more.

There I could be an extrovert without the constant bombardment of impressions.

Today I need to learn to find that balance of going out more, but to stop and take my natural breaks more.

Breaks from the crowd, find somewhere quiet where I can just be in the moment of quiet peace, to breathe and relax.

It can be a little embarrashing for me to admit that this bothers me. Also because I wish it didnt bother me.

I love experiencing new things and meeting new people, but I wish I wouldnt feel everything so deeply most of the time.

Do you ever feel overwhelmed by the world around you?

What do you do to take your breaks from the impressions?

Feel free to write down below off your experiences, would love to hear them 🙂

Missfaylyn out until next time 🙂

Shadow Side of Gaming

The last few days I’ve been thinking about gaming.

I’ve been so busy working on my plans for my you tube channel and my brand and new videos I want to make.

One of the ideas I had for a video was to share all the good things about gaming.

And there is a lot to say on this subject, but as many good things there is always a shadow side.

And the shadow side of this was a surprise to me.

Let’s dive deep into this shadow.

Before I started gaming, I was a completly different person. I have changed a lot since then. Gaming has brought me a lot of good but also a lot of bad.

I’ve been gaming for years now, and it saved me from an unhealthy lifestyle (drinking out in town every weekend sometimes on weekdays)

I’ve always been a highly extroverted, but also sensitive person, so I craved human connection so much that I wanted to always be surrounded by people.

And I found it in gaming.

People from all over the world who had the same interest as me, people I could talk to from the moment I woke up until late night hours.

Working together as a big group to defeat bosses and other foes in my games felt amazing, and the long discussions stimulated my mind like nothing else could.

I found myself for years sitting in my room, in front of my computer playing and talking to my friends.

I never realised the hidden dangers and negatives doing this, until recently…

Bad Health

Not moving around a lot, sitting in the same chair for years isn’t healthy, but I never saw it as a bad thing. “Since I’m still young(ish) it’s fine, right?” That was my thought

Until recently…

Recently I’ve had issues with my weight, gaining weight to an unhealthy amount again, but its not just my weight.

My feet keep swelling to the point when I go for a small walk it’s painful.

I realised it’s a sign of me leading this lifestyle.

It’s a common thing in the community of gamers I hang around with, that we don’t move a lot and just play games all day, and though we talk about the fact that we are in bad health, even joke around it sometimes, it’s not something most of us does anything about.

I’ve only recently discovered its not just gamers that has this issue but is talked about from one of my favourite you tubers.

When she streams, she actively tries to make an effort in doing a few stretches and walk arounds.

When you are so much in a gaming session and fully immersed into it, its hard to pull yourself out of this.

Its not better when you stream or make content.

I’ve easily found myself deep into my editing program for days. From when I wake up to, I crash late at night.

Lately I’ve been going for walks and doing small workouts at home to both lose a little bit of weight but also get somewhat of a better fitness appropriate for my age again.

By ignoring my health for years, I can literally feel my body hating this neglect, so I urge you, if you are a gamer, streamer, or content creator, move out of your chair, do a little dance, go for small walks, basically just move a little before you turn back to work or gaming.

Of course, this won’t be applicable to all, but mostly to people who is like me, who easily gets consumed by an interest and have a tendency to over do it.

Now to the other shadow side of gaming...

Disconnection from real life.

In my case, this is an issue, I again only just thought about recently.

I have a mentor in real life. Real Life is what we gamers like to call, life outside of gaming.

I just got a new oner and talking to him the other day, I described myself as an extrovert, where he said

“That’s funny you say that Fay, I would never have described you as an extrovert.”

First, I laughed a little, but then I realised, he might be right.

Having been stuck in my room for years, I haven’t gone out a lot.

I’ve declined most of the invites from friends to go out in town and chosen to just stay at home.

With excuses like, I have a group meet up to defeat a boss in the game or I got some work to do.

Until years passed and I rarely if ever got invites to go out again.

It’s not been a problem for years, because I wasn’t just sitting in my room on my own, but I was socialising with people across the world.

But sometimes I miss going to the zoo, or the movies.

When covid hit, and we where all stuck at home, us gamers didn’t feel much of a change, since it was basically the same lifestyle most of us had for years.

But today I do feel differently about it.

I shouldn’t have disconnected myself from real life friends as much as I did.

Today its harder for me to go out.

One, I found almost no motivation to do so, since I’ve taught myself to crave entertainment or craving my work constantly

Also, when I do venture outside, it’s a lot harder to approach non gamers.

I keep thinking, what do I talk to them about if not gaming?

I’ve never been good at small talk, but always been good at conversation normally, and now I find it hard.

I’ve now committed myself to go out more, even if I find it tedious and boring, and would rather still game, but having a community in real life, where you can go out with a friend to see a movie or go to the zoo, is still something I miss having.

Yes, I have my friends online, but the closest of them lives on the other side of the country, most of them lives in other countries.

I do have one friend from my 20’ies bless her for still sticking around, and I still occasionally but rarely do fun stuff with her.

Now to my last downside...

Love

Its funny that its love I put here, but as a full time gamer, you only meet gamers.

Especially when you game so much, and hardly go out.

You meet everyone you know in game, and they are all from different countries.

I’ve fallen in love often over the last few years.

Living in Denmark and falling in love with someone who lives in the UK was great for a while, but then the long-distance hits you.

And hits you hard…

When I first started gaming, I often thought finding love in game to be a myth.

Falling in love online playing games sounded a little crazy to me, but I found out rather quickly that it does happen.

Not just for me, but a lot of my friends found each other that way.

And for some it has been great, and a fairy-tale story, where everything ends well.

But in most cases, it fell apart after a few years, with the constant prospect of having to travel to see them in other countries.

Yes, it’s possible to move country for love, but its not as easy.

There are a lot of things to consider.

Job options, leaving family and friends behind and so much more.

My first love online was a guy from Scotland, and after just meeting hime twice we moved in together.

Here in Denmark

He left his whole life behind, his friends, family, car, his job, and was struggling for years having lost this and trying to come to terms of becoming a Dane, and it took a toll on both of us.

I’ve had 3 long distance relationships, and I only moved in with one of them.

The other 2 we had to wait months to see each other, and only for short while.

Today love isn’t something I’m actively seeking but looking back at my history with love, I would rather not have to deal with another long distance again. Its just too hard in the long run, if moving country isn’t something you really want to do.

For me personally I would love to live in another country, but leaving my family behind, its not something I want or can do, not at the moment anyway.

Its a big decision.

And I think for gamers in my past shoes has to really think about this too.

I do salute the couples that made it work, and truly admire what they have been through, the road they took and the hardships it was sometimes.

I have to admit though the feeling of seeing a loved one standing on a train station waiting for you, and you haven’t seen them in months is the most amazing feeling ever.

So yes, love is on the shadow side too.  Though it can be on both sides…

I’ve realised…

Ive realised being a gamer and living this lifestyle, its totally fine, but there has to be a balance.

I think with everything you can easily overdo it, so it becomes unhealthy. But its up to you to find a healthy balance between the things you love and your health and mental health.

For me its something I only started doing now, and I reckon I will soon find a healthy balance.

But I’m happy I realised this now and not too late, where it could be more harmful to my welfare.

I remember the word hubris I got from my old Greek lessons, and Its about that overdoing something can easily become your downfall, and its about finding a perfect balance.

Too much of something is never good.

Though yes there are shadow sides to gaming it’s not all bad.

I’ve gotten a lot of amazing things too, the last decade, and it’s something ill blog about sooner then later.

But today I felt inspired so thus this blog post.

I’ve been hard at work the last few weeks, on my future plans, so don’t have the time to write as much as I would want, but I do it when I feel inspired.

If you are a gamer, and find yourself doing what I did.

Gaming a little too extremely, my advise to you.

Find a healthy balance to still do what you love, but take care of your body, your mind and the connections you have in real life.

Remember to drink a lot of water, and move every now and then, your body will love you for it tomorrow.

Balance is everything…

That was it for today, until next time 🙂

I still need to finish my website, but almost there.

I hope to write a blog post of the good sides to gaming soon, so stay tuned ❤

Until next time have an amazing and healthy day

Missfaylyn out

I am?

And the Grind continues

It’s been a few weeks, since I made my decision to not let fear and doubt rule my actions anymore, and I’ve accomplished a lot of good things.

What Ive been up too the last few weeks

Ive learnt a lot.

Ive learned how to use photoshop better.

Ive learned a few things about adobe premiere pro.

I Started streaming a little again, and even posted a few new videos on my you tube channel.

I eat and sleep better, even made a daily work schedule.

Pretty Proud of this, never thought I could keep it going this far. I plan to keep it up for as long as I can, hopefully with months of this 🙂

Anyone who knows me personally, would agree that this is a major feat.

I have always been the opposite of disciplined.

I went to bed when it pleased me, if my million thoughts didn’t keep me up at night.

I ate when hungry and whatever I pleased, not caring too much about my health.

I played games with friends every day, had a lot of fun, but entertainment ruled my life, to the point it made me inactive, and even though I have big dreams, its so easy to slip into endless of entertainment as I used to before.

That lifestyle isn’t enough for me anymore, and a few weeks ago, even though it is scary as hell, I wanted to fight for my dream.

My dream of making you tube videos.

Even though my friends and some of my family members might think me crazy, Ive never been more determined to climb my mountain. (read my last post)

I’m proud of myself, but also still scared, and learning how to be okay, when im scared of the unknown is something I have to get better at.

I need to be better at listening to my heart and just be in the love for my own work and not listen to the thought that tells me im crazy for dreaming big.

Even though my passion is great, and I’m determined, there is still a shadow side.

Not fear anymore, but more impatience, and anger.

Impatience because I want to be farther in my journey than I am. Anger because I still cant figure out in detail what I should commit too, that being my niche

Niche = Is making videos of something specific so people will know my videos for this one thing and not have a broad collection of different video subjects as I have on my channel)

I have so many ideas of what I would love to make videos about, everything from gaming to personal stuff and in between, and for me having to choose, has always been something im really bad it.

I still have no idea what my niche is.

The magic recipe to what my videos will be about.

I started thinking, what am I good at?

Am I funny?

Am I entertaining?

Am I smart?

Can I educate with my videos?

I started being overly critical.

Didn’t help when I asked a friend and he said, you are good at making mistakes and laughing at them.

Its true I am! Good at laughing at my own mistakes, but is that enough?

So while I’ve been eating sleeping and working well, I still need to work on my self a bit.

I’ve been so many things my entire life, that sometimes I doubt what I really am.

I think…

 If I really think about it…

That we are many things, and always will be many things.

Ill try to explain from my perspective.

I am Missfaylyn.

I am a funny person, but I can also be boring.

I am sometimes boring, but also super ambitious,

I’m ambitious, but at times also crippled by fear and doubt.

I’m a fearful person, but I’m also optimistic.

I’m a loving person, but sometimes I prefer to be alone.

I’m not perfect, but still unique. (we are all unique, no one is just like us)

I am Missfaylyn and I laugh at my mistakes, even though I fail, I always manage to get up and fight a little harder for the things I’m passionate about.

I can make this a hell of a lot longer, but my point is.

We are all many things, depending on what day it is, what mood we are in, and so many other things. As I see it, we are on our own journey of self-discovery, and through out a life time, we are many many things, sometimes we will change, sometimes we develop new traits, skills.

Almost like lvling up in a game.

For me to be more ambitious then inactive, required a lot of work and following my heart, doing things I am passionate about.

And to figure out what im passionate about took a lot of time and trying a lot of new things.

For me to be disciplined takes a lot of work, realising what is more important to me in my life and trying to go for it.

For me to be funny I have to be in a good mood, cant crack a joke or be silly if I’m in a foul mood.

So while im working on my videos, and figuring out what im good at, Im just gonna be me.

Bad and good days.

Scared and brave and so many other things

I have to shut my brain of a little bit more so I can act without being fearful.

Meaning dont think, just do. Which is pretty much my go to mantra for myself.

One thing I am very good at and that is overthinking every little thing. If I wasn’t, this blog would not exist 😀

Even though overthinking can sometimes halt my progression, it can also fuel my fire.

Realising I’m not perfect at the thing I love to do, to the point I can at this time fulfil my dream just makes me more stubborn to work harder.

I’ve come far, and I will go far, as long as I love what I do, and accept some days it’s hard, and sometimes ill fail, but then laugh a little and realise I learned something from my mistakes, and it just brought me a little closer to my dreams.

So dear reader my advise to you.

Be you!

Be many many things throughout your life time, live love, do the things you are passionate about, even if it scares you. I truly believe with enough work and dedication we can all achieve our biggest dreams.

More importantly, Fail.

Fail so you can learn, Fail so you realise you arent perfect, and that not being perfect, you will always have something to work towards.

A lifetime of learning, experiences and following your heart.

In my opinion being imperfect is a hell of a lot more beatiful and perfect, then what we believe is perfect.

My main thing I wanna say is just be you! Live and work for the things you love.

If you want to write, write,

If you want to make videos, have fun doing so.

If you want to fly, remember to bring a parachute 🙂

Have a lot of my mind today so I hope you can find some inspiration or something that resonates with you, if not then I hope it was atleast an entertaining read.

A little update

I’ve been working on my vidoes, but also been experimenting with what I want my website to look like.

Though I’m not even half done figuring out what I want on my website and why I want it there, I’m having so much fun learning about websites.

Its almost like decorating your own room, and having to choose wallpaper, and what furniture you want in your room.

Its also something I have to learn from scratch, even though I love learning, it will take time until its done, before I’ve built My brand Missfaylyn up, but I do believe that one day Ill stand on my mountaintop, wanting to climb the next mountain, but still thrilled I made it this far.

Confused? Yes I would be too. Read my last post and the reference from it might help a bit.

Anyway Missfaylyn out!

Have a truly amazing day, evening or night ❤

Up the Mountain

Today I’m going to try something new.

Something different.

Here it goes…

My avatar Faydra in my favorite game, world of warcraft, but she is also so much more then just my character.

Faydra had one goal.

To reach the top of the mountain in the far distance, the sun was setting, and she felt she was running out of time, she had to move now and fast.

She was excited and picked up her step and turned it into a sprint.

She reached it almost in no time where the mountain began.

Surprised she had gotten here so fast, and thought to herself, “This won’t be too hard”.

She prepared her steps and climbed the first part, when suddenly, something grabbed her leg and she fell. She looked up at the culprit and noticed it was herself.

Well, another version of her, in another time. She looked confused up and asked

“but don’t you want us to climb that mountain?”

The other Faydra just shrugged and vanished just as quickly into thin air.

Had she just imagined herself or had it really happened?

She got up confused, preparing to make the climb again.

Once again, she took a step, but this time looked back, making sure no one was there to pull her off the mountain.

Nothing was there, relieved she took another step, feeling yet again exited to start the journey ahead of her.

Determined to reach the top.

After the 3rd step, she heard someone distantly calling out to her.

It was him.

He had the most beautiful calming voice. A voice that reached something deep in her core, a feeling of love, and joy, which left her weak in her knees.

Her legs gave out and she stumbled down the mountain, desperately trying to follow the voice.

She walked far away from the mountain, searching where the voice was coming from.

She followed it into the deep dark woods, deeply entranced by this beautful mystical voice. She suddenly saw an image, but faint.

She was close, but not close enough, she had to get closer, to see the image more clearly, but when she thought she was close enough to him, he vanished into a smoke cloud.

She was yet again left alone, standing in the woods. Wolfs howling nearby, and she felt more alone then ever.

She stood there a while, listening to the howling of the wolves, feeling stupid, that she had been tricked by this illusion.

She felt the anger rise.

Cursing herself for being distracted by this beautiful idea of something that wasn’t true.

She turned around, stomping her feet, towards the mountain, even more determined now to climb that damn mountain.

Once again, she stood in front of the mountain, and nothing would keep her away from her path, she promised.

She took a step, then another, and another.

For a long while she was moving up that mountain.

It was rocky and slippery at times, and left her catching her breath several times, but she was also feeling more alive and happier than before she had decided to go on the climb.

Suddenly out of the blue, she got caught in a branch. It had entangled her leg so thoroughly, that the more she tried to shake and pull her leg free the more she was stuck.

She tried breaking the branch off but noticed an image of her friend, deep inside the branch.

Her friend lips moved, but no words came out, though surprisingly she understood every word.

The words was pleading to her, to not climb that mountain and get consumed by the climb.

To stay here on the cliff side half way up the mountain or turn back completely.

She hesitated and was suddenly filled with doubt.

Maybe she was crazy.

Was it the right thing to do to climb this mountain?

Was she loosing herself in her pursuit of a better future, a dream that she had no idea what would bring?

Would she have to sacrifice what she held so dear, or would she be gaining more?

Was it worth it?

She just stood there for what seemed like hours, in a complete standstill.

Thoughts consuming her.

Doubts, fear of the unknown and the what if´s

She had had nothing but trouble so early on in her journey, maybe the voice was right.

Hours passed

days

months

Eventually she felt she was becoming a part of the mountain side.

Still stuck on the branch, doubting herself more the ever.

Until one day, when the sun stood high in the cloudless sky, she realised.

ENOUGH was ENOUGH
NO MORE doubts NO MORE standstill, only Action

She wouldn’t be able to know if she was sacrificing a part of herself, or if the journey ahead of her was her biggest dream or a potential nightmare.

The only way she would be able to find out the truth was if she kept on climbing, until she reached the top.

At least she would be moving and not stuck in a perpetuous standstill

Suddenly the branch released her. Surprised and also relieved she yet again went back to the climb.

To this day, if you look far enough into the distance you can still see a faint image of Faydra climbing that mountain.

Step by step

Sometimes taking breaks to catch her breath, but is no longer ruled by fear doubts, or insecurity

So, what was the point of this story?

Who is Faydra?

And why this style of writing?

Faydra is a part of me.

She is me.

She is my inner strength, inner turmoil, inner doubts, fear, insecurity, she is love, she is friendship, she is my thoughts, my feelings.

When I was younger, I used to write about a fictional character in a fictional style to tell a story.

In this story its things I struggle with in real life right now, my thoughts, my fears, you get the jest of it.

This story today is about the struggle I’ve come across trying to reach my own personal goals, and my own dreams.

Determined to reach them, but also constantly being pulled back by fear doubts and life events.

I’m on the long journey to climb my mountain and determined.

So dear reader, what does this mean to you?

Well maybe its just a few minutes of entertainment or maybe you are in the same situation?

If you are then here is what Ive discovered in my own journey, so far.

When you are determined about something, its not always going to go your way

Sometimes, unexpected events will pull you back.

Sometimes, being pulled back isn’t a bad thing but just makes you more equipped for the journey ahead.

But staying on the journey you set yourself is important

If you have something you want in life, your own mountain, keep climbing.

Yes, you don’t know what will happen when you reach the top, but you won’t know until you try.

Sometimes things in life will hold you back, but if you don’t quit and come back to it, once well rested, you are at least on the climb.

I hope you found my blog post entertaining or that it could help you in your own climb up your own mountain.

The biggest reason I turned my post into one of my little fictional stories is because of something I need to get better at in my own journey, up my mountain and that is storytelling.

Also being indecisive, but that I cant do anything about at 3 a clock in the morning, but atleast I can practise the art of storytelling.

I hope you enjoyed reading this and mostly that you have an amazing morning.

Until next time

Missfaylyn out 🙂

Ready set go! Oh no…I cant

Have you ever looked forward to taking a journey feeling excited about the possibilities and the experiences to come, and then suddenly the flight gets cancelled or something else comes in your way that’s out of your control, and the excited feeling leaves you entirely and is replace by frustration and anger that you cant go?

That’s how I’m feeling right now, when I walk past my room, and look at my beloved computer with a dead graphics card. Rest in peace monster.

I found 4 of these inside my computer, the foam wrapping, that was supposed to protect my computer ( I call it Monster) when I first got it. Apparently you are supposed to remove this when you get it home. I didn’t know so I left it there for 2 years, and it could be the reason why my graphic card died. Be sure you check this when you get a new computer 😀

Well at least until April when I can replace my very expensive graphics card with another.

If this had happened 1 month ago I wouldn’t be feeling this anger, but I was in the process of fully waking up from my hibernation of inaction for months and truly committing to growing my channel on you tube, and start streaming again.

I was mid recording when it happened, working on my next video and out of the blue my computer just turned off. Never seen that before, so I thought maybe the power had went, though it wasn’t the power, because no matter how I tried turning my computer on again, it didn’t.

I’m not gonna lie, when I realized there was nothing to be done, and I surely had to replace something I burst into tears and cried fully for two days straight.

Now you might be thinking why cry over a computer? Didn’t you write you can fix it in April?

Honestly I don’t think it was the computer I cried over, it was mostly the frustration of the work I had put into my projects and dreams the last 2 weeks. The determination I have to commit myself fully to accomplish my dreams, that left me feeling angry and frustrated that I have to wait another month.

Ive been frustrated at myself that I held myself back because of fear, doubt and indecision in the many months before this event.

Ive been stagnant for so long, waiting for the right opportunity or the right idea, not realizing that I had it all wrong, and I wasted months with inaction, worrying about what could happen instead of working actively on my dreams, and the moment I’m fully committed to make it happen, and put the work in, something unexpected happens, and I’m left with inaction again.

This time not my choice, but something that’s out of my control.

Been bored so been spending my days getting to know adobe Photoshop better

Though its really annoying to be in this situation, I do see one blessing.

That blessing is, even though I cant do anything about my situation I did realize today, that the anger and frustration I’m feeling, is a good sign.

It means I’m not happy at all being inactive anymore, and I truly crave to be working. To let my creative mind unfold and that I am so ready.

I want this more then Ive wanted anything for a long time so now I’m just counting days until I can get my new graphics card and start up again.

Finish the video I started and use the stream equipment that’s lying on my floor waiting to be used.

Ive been trying to pass the time with learning more about editing, the you tube algorithm, my adobe programs, and trying to write notes for my next videos, but I’m so impatient.

My days feels a lot longer then they used too.

Its gonna be good when April arrives, and I can truly feel spring of change arriving.

Have you ever experienced something like this before, and how did you handle the waiting time?

Feel free to comment on your experiences 🙂

Have an amazing day

MissFaylyn out