What a Week of INTENSE E-motion.

It’s been an intense week.

A lot of personal growth, intense emotions, and change, but it made me realise how to stay calm in that internal storm of mine.

So, what happened?

Over last few months I’ve slowly spent my time gaming less, and gone out in the real world, and in doing this I discovered a world in colour, not just black and white.

A world that looked familiar but also felt very different.

I’ve been longing desperately for quite a while now to experience connection again.

Connection in a sense where you get close to others in a way that feels safe, and where you feel truly accepted for who you are.

In the last and this month, I have an entire group of people I feel this connection with.

This has been what brought this intense overwhelming feeling.

The sense of constant joy and everlasting excitement to be in their company has been a truly magical feeling.

It has also been extremely overwhelming.

Going from hardly ever socialising in what I call the real world (Not online) to suddenly go out for coffee, play dungeons and dragons in person, and even going out to town for a drink, has been feeling like going from a 1 to a 10 in an instant on a 10 scale.

So intense that my feelings last week were all over the place.

I felt so thin skinned and almost naked, and I would be closer to tears then I have been in a long time.

Not tears of sadness, but tears of joy, of feeling overwhelmed by the care and truly unique people that came into my life all of the sudden.

For a highly sensitive person as myself, I’ve never been able to handle extreme emotions well.

And extreme they were.

In my past I would have cracked by this.

I would have felt so overwhelmed that I would feel anxious, fear, and perhaps shame because I would have quickly withdrawn into my room, and stayed there for months.

But surprisingly this time around this didn’t happen.

I managed to stay in the feeling of joy.

Being able to embrace and accept the feeling of feeling thin skinned and a little more naked.

I acknowledge my old fear of the potential to be hurt or heartbroken, but I also realised that if that happens.

I will BE okay.

I would rather dive deeper into this connection and experience it fully then be too fearful to try, and that is a huge win for me.

I feel like my walls are crumbling and I’m letting the world see me for who I truly am, and for the first time ever, its not that scary.

I even found myself dancing waiting for my morning train to see these wonderful people.

I was actual dancing.

How I feel Emotions

When I experience sadness, anger, guild, shame, feeling nervous, worry, love, being in love, or just happy.

I feel it intensely.

And this for me, can be extremely overwhelming.

I get so high in energy and this last for as long as the emotion. I feel the effects of my emotions on my body.

I feel the knot in my chest, I feel the butterflies in my stomach in the extremes, I feel the giddiness and high energy of happiness, I usually have a hard time sleeping and even eating when I have a rush of extreme emotions.

Until eventually I feel a burnout.

When I am in burnout mode, I withdraw, at times for months.

I sleep a lot, and I feel almost emotionally numb.

Like I’m experiencing a monthly hangover.

Being able to stay consistent in my routine is important to me.

That I can at least function on a level where my daily schedule doesn’t get too affected.

So, I had to figure out a plan fast so I would’nt experience a complete burnout, but still have both the cookies and milk in my life.

Meaning that I could still function normally but still be able to socialise with my new friends.

Controlling my emotions

This is something very new to me, and I am still not practised in this at all.

But I’ve spent months trying to learn more about being a highly sensitive person and what to do when we feel emotions a bit too deeply.

And I found something that works for me.

This week I didn’t just feel happy, I also felt a sense of extreme worry.

Worry that felt consuming and put a quick halt to the feeling of being happy.

I was worried about a lot of things.

I worried about losing everything I have gained these last few months.

Losing my newfound connections.

Worrying for a friend, who I care deeply about.

Worrying about my dad, who’s health hasn’t been great lately.

Worrying about my you tube channel.

I realised I can’t do much about what happens in the future, I can only control how I deal with what’s to come when it comes, or if it comes.

I know from experience the things I worry about maybe only 5 % of this actually is something worth worrying about. Mostly it’s just a lot of overthinking that never comes to pass.

Realising this helps.

Also, I have made it a practise when I go into full worry mode, to take a deep breath and tell me self this sentence.

“You are okay” “You are safe” and then breathe again deeply.

If I found myself smiling it worked, if I still feel worried, I did this instead.

Exercise.

I have found an extreme love for moving my body that I never had before.

Taking a walk-in nature.

Doing steps at home to a workout video

Or even just dance for 30 minutes to my favourite music songs.

This is a god send for dealing with too many thoughts or dealing with intense emotions.

When I move my body, I feel the endorphins and feel happier, freer.

But I also feel present.

Being able to just be in the now, is something I’ve always been horrible at.

I always say that I live more in the future then I do in the now, but by moving my body I put my mind on a much-needed break.

So, no surprise I have been doing almost constant exercise this week.

So much so that I feel faster in my movements, less tired when I exercise, and even stronger.

How I dealt with the extreme happiness and giddiness I feel.

This is a tough one, and honestly its still something I need to work on.

Feeling this happy, makes me full speed high energy right now.

Instead of forcing myself to slow down, I try to use this to be productive.

But I try to do it in a way where it doesn’t drain me too much.

I started streaming last night after a year break, and this helped massively on draining some of the excess energy I had.

I streamed on twitch last night, after not having streamed a year and I was suprised of how long I streamed. I had so much energy to spend that it worked well so I was able to sleep better last night, and not having too much excess energy.

Exercising helps a little here too.

Another thing I did, was go inside myself, and have a conversation.

Do a little mindful meditation, where I embrace the feeling sit with it quietly and ride the wave a bit.

Normally I end up dancing or laughing to release this feeling a little.

Feeling this happy people around me have noticed.

They have noticed my high energy and that I seem to have blossomed overnight, and it’s a great thing to hear, but my worry in this has also been. Am I too high energy for them right now?

That’s why I try to balance a little.

Instead of just riding the happy giddy feeling to the end, I take small breaks where I sit with myself for a moment.

I do what feels right in the moment.

I’ve been able to teach myself a little bit better to really feel if I can say yes to things I want, or I if I have to say no for the moment and come back later.

So, I don’t just spread myself too thin and ride the wave of high energy until I end up depleted.

I have also managed to say no to myself sometimes and remember the quiet time I need to give my mind and heart a rest.

Feeling happy and experiencing a crush at the same time.

This was what really made me feel overwhelmed.

The extreme of both feelings, hit me hard, and this had left me so thin skinned.

My emotions are on my sleeve right now, and why I almost cried publicly the other day.

Not because I was sad but overwhelmed by the intensity of the emotions.

So much so I was surprised of how intense it felt.

I have felt this before, but never this strongly and so surprisingly fast and unexpected.

And I have to admit, this feeling brought me to my knees, in a sense, it did turn around my daily routine a little.

In a way where I don’t sleep as deeply as I need at the moment, and I eat a lot less than usual, I also find it almost impossible to concentrate and work on my videos and other creative work.

It’s funny that when you feel this emotion, food just loose all its taste.

Sadly, this crush isn’t the right time, so I also have the feeling of being a little sad, disappointed.

But also, extremely thankful for being aloud to just be in that feeling, to be able to feel it again, when it was a feeling, I completely had forgotten about.

It’s also been a sign for me, that I think I am ready for love again.

And this thought that used to be scary and fearful, turned into a feeling that I know I can handle it when its time, to share my heart with someone again.

I am extremely proud of my achievements and progress these last few months.

It has shown me just how much a person can grow.

But while I’ve been growing, I have at every second stayed true to myself.

I’ve nurtured me and loved myself every step of the way.

I’ve given me the time to rest and aloud myself to take risks.

I have aloud myself to change but still stay true to who I am.

Emotional control is something I need to dive deeper into.

This week has made me realise, I need tools and knowledge to stay on top of this, so I don’t feel so raw every time I feel an intense emotion.

I think it only felt intense because of the extensive way my life suddenly changed.

Of how rapid it was, and that it wasn’t just one emotion I felt but a lot of them, and in feeling so many of them at the same time, my nervous system got a little fried, therefor the constant feeling of overwhelm.

I think I’ve been able to handle it okay, but I still have this pent-up energy that needs releasing constantly, and realising my crush needs to fade out, does fill me with a sadness that lies heavy on my chest, so yeah that sucks a little.

But I have faith that every day my emotions in intensity will fade to just that comfortable normal feeling of just being happy.

In the meantime, I just need to dance a little more to help this along a little.

I know my posts have been less about what I normally write about, but as this blog post says, Ive been a little overwhelmed by what’s happening in my life right now, and this affects my ability to concentrate and stick to my work plan, so I have been needing to experiment and just go with the flow of what feels right in this time instead.

Nevertheless, I hope you learned something or that it was an interesting read.

As always and from the bottom of my very full happy heart, I hope you have an amazing, beautiful and truly magical day.

MissFaylyn Out ❤

From Fear to the Feeling of Empowerment…

From Fear to Empowerment. When something scary turns into Beauty and of Color.

I realised something today talking to my dearest Friend, and because of this realisation I’m dedicating this blog post to her.

Jessy This is for you, love you girl.

I’ve always been anxious about certain things in my life. It’s things that where a big nuisance to me, and something that I always felt shame being anxious about.

The Phone:

When I was a child, and still lived with my foster parents, every time I would speak with someone over the phone, my foster mother would tease me with how I introduced myself, she would then berate me to speak up and louder and speak my name clearly.

This small thing always made me feel insecure when I would speak with someone over the phone.

I would hyperfocus on how I was talking, and I always felt I was stumbling over my words, and it was never good enough.

This followed me through adulthood, so much so that I have always avoided picking up when someone calls me, even more so when I felt more anxious about every other thing in my life.

I often felt shame for not being able to pick up the phone and even as an adult I made my mom pick up the phone or make calls for me.

Until recently this last year, a lot has changed for me.

And I found myself picking up the phone and talk to a telemarketer, and also being able to refuse what he was trying to sell me.

This small feat was an impossible task for me years ago, and I was shocked of how much I had changed.

I didn’t feel shame anymore, I didn’t feel it as something uncomfortable anymore. I realised that this small trigger from my childhood was no longer relevant, and I had gotten over this little thing.

My body image:

I recently made a post about beauty and how this was a curse for me growing up.

from one of my recent blogpost about the dark side of Beauty

Its normally a nice thing feeling beautiful and taking care of how you look, being able to wear fancy clothes, jewellery, and a bit of makeup. The feeling of being comfortable in your own body and feeling attractive.

Because of the wrong kind of attention, I got as a teen being considered too beautiful, this was always something I was uncomfortable with.

I down dressed as much as I could for any occasion, and I gained weight not because it felt good, but as a shield against those who would find me too beautiful and give me that wrong kind of attention.

I also wanted people to see me not for how I looked, but for me, my personality.

Only problem was I wasn’t comfortable or happy in my own body.

I secretly wanted to feel beautiful for myself, wear skirts, dresses, dress up, just for me.

But this was something that always brought a sense of fear for me.

Having been sexually abused, and the occasional slap in the ass by strangers, or being called inappropriate names related to beauty, looking pretty became too hard, too scary and felt out right wrong.

Instead, I felt safe in my neglected body, not caring about my hair, skin, teeth or weight, because it felt safer that way. I became more invisible.

Today its different. I now feel able to say a firm no when people overstep my boundaries, I know that the people in my life sees me for me, not for how I look. I’m no longer just the pretty girl, as I felt I was, growing up.

So today I feel its time, time to get back into shape, to get back into my old body again. To wear dresses, skirts and embrace my beauty for me, and just for me. I no longer need that extra shield, and no longer try to dress down if I put some makeup on.

I still need to learn a few things about skincare, healthcare, and what style of clothes I like, and so much more, but this doesn’t bring me fear anymore, just excitement to learn something new.

Being alone in the streets with a drunk man.

This happened to me today.

I was walking down the street on my way home, early morning, and a guy clearly very drunk asked me where the train station was, I pointed ahead and he asked if it was left, I said no its right ahead. He then got angry and became a little inappropriate.

If this happened to me a few years ago, I would have bolted and run back into the safety of my home, fearing the worst. It would trigger moments in my past, that I would have to tend to, mend and heal at home for a week or a month depending on my anxiety level at that time.

Today It felt different.

I shrugged my head but wasn’t afraid.

To be sure I was okay, I told myself lovingly. “You are okay, you are safe” and I felt myself smiling.

I trust myself more in those random situations. I know the difference when I’m safe and when I’m not safe.

I used my logical mind in this situation, even though it was a bit weird what happened, there was no danger here. It was just a slightly drunk man, who where a little confused and frustrated about this.

Being able to be logical about a situation that would normally cause a lot of fear in me, is different, but also reminds me of how much I’ve grown. How much I trust myself, my own strength, and my logical sense.

I understand now that sometimes things happen to you, and you can’t control that, but you can control how you deal with those situations, how you handle it.

And I am able to give myself the necessary self-care today.

I have tended my roots and grown my tree and feel planted solid to the ground, so when things shake me in my life, I trust that I won’t fall down.

I know I am safe, loved, and okay, no matter what happens in my life, and that little change made me strong enough to feel how I felt today with this little random encounter.

When a new crush arises

A little crush can feel truly magical.

The jittery happy feeling you walk around with all day.

The butterflies when you see the person in question.

And when this crush is reciprocated, and turns into a new budding relationship, it can feel just as great maybe even more.

But for me this also brought a sense of fear to me.

A fear that diminished this happy fuzzy feeling quickly, that at times would turn this first experience with a new person into something sour.

It’s a fear rooted from experiencing countless heartbreaks and being cheated on.

That it would eventually happen again.

Fall in love, being cheated on, being heartbroken, on repeat.

That’s not a nice feeling to have when you realised you have a crush.

I have a little crush today, and it does give me that fluffy happy feeling, but the fear isn’t there any longer.

By realising that bringing a bit of logic into the mix of emotions flying high right now, brings a sense of calm and feeling safer in that feeling of experiencing a crush.

Being able to choose whether to act on this crush or have it fizzle out, gives me a sense of control over my experience with love.

To feel safe enough to take it slow, so I can eventually decide where I want this to go, and if it feels good and right in a month as well or if its not going to work out.

Just by realising I have this power to choose, makes love feel safe again.

That I wont loose myself too much just riding the wave of love and feeling of a crush.

In my time being single, I have learned a lot about myself, I’ve learned that new experiences wont necessarily end up in disaster and a lot of heartbreak. I have a say in this, it’s not something that just happens, and only happens to me because I’m cursed, as I used to think when love ended badly.

Realising I don’t need to rush love just based on how I feel today, is freeing.

I can take my time, to think, to contemplate, to feel if I am ready or not, and if it doesn’t go where I would want it to go tomorrow, then that’s okay too.

I know ill be okay single, and I’m very capable of feeling fulfilled, loved, and cared for on my own

So, there are no reason to fear love, there are no reason to fear what’s coming tomorrow, and in realising this I can enjoy today. I can smile and just be in that magical feeling of a crush.

Fear of Failure.

Since I was young, I wanted to be perfect.

I wanted to please everyone around me and to be considered not just good enough but perfect at everything I did.

This brought a lot of pressure into my life.

Pressure that would weigh me down year after year, trying so hard to achieve perfect and never being able to even be close to the standard I had set for myself.

Making mistakes or failing at something would bring a storm of negative invading thoughts that would drive me deeper down into that hole I dug for myself, and I would sit and wallow for years in that hole, blaming myself for all of it.

Never feeling good enough or deserving of anything good in life because I wasn’t perfect.

Until one day something happened.

In the game I love playing, world of warcraft and I was playing with 19 other people, attempting to defeat a boss.

I had been assigned a role, a role that I failed massively, not just in front of those 19 people, but in front of my friends watching my stream, and others who where watching my stream at the time.

I didn’t just fail once

I failed over and over again, and my failures where clipped, laughed at, and ridiculed.

I felt so ashamed, and I did what I have always done.

I logged off and cried.

Hard and heavy.

I almost walked into that hole of shame and intending to give up playing my favourite game altogether.

Then something different happened.

Instead of being sad and blaming myself over and over for my failures, I got angry.

I go so angry I found myself compiling those clips into a video and posted it on you tube.

I still can’t answer why I did this, to be laughed at even more, but I think something just clicked in my mind and I realised this.

“So, what if I made a mistake, I am NOT perfect and I will never be, but maybe I can turn this into a good thing, instead of blaming myself, I can laugh at myself in a positive light and instead of giving up I can get up and try again, until I will defeat this boss”

And that’s how my brand MissFaylyn was born (Miss failing)

Now I celebrate my failures; I learn from them, and I am more motivated to work harder so I can succeed instead of failing at something.

I’ve learned that I will never be perfect, but in just being persistent in the things I love doing is enough for me.

By doing I automatically learn, and improve my skills, so yeah, I’m not going to be perfect, but I will eventually become really good at the things I practise.

All of these things I have in time turned around from fearing them to eventually feel safe enough and comfortable in it instead.

It’s a testament to how much I’ve learned and improved over the years, and I am proud of myself for this.
Not only am I proud but I feel empowered.

I know with my whole being that when other things arise that I have a hard time doing or that brings fear, that I will one day overcome this, and be fine with.

To realise I am not set in my ways.

My triggers from my past wont always be triggers in the future.

And realising this I feel strong, it fills me with confidence, and I feel empowered.

I am okay, I am changing every year, I am strong, I am loved, and I am cared for.

I absolutely got this.

Yes, some things take years to heal or work through, but the road is the same, eventually the difficulties in your life changes, the fear gets replaced with a sense of calm and safety.

And turns into something beautiful instead.

Empowerment.

Have a wonderful evening, morning, day…

MissFaylyn out ❤

In The Calm, A Storm is Brewing

I’m changing and changing rapidly.

Almost everything in my life is changing and to the extremes.

Its healthy and really good changes, that feel rewarding, and makes me feel a sense of calm and happiness I haven’t felt before.

But in the calm, there is also a storm brewing.

A storm that could threaten most of the changes I’ve made happen recently.

6 months ago, and years before that I was used to spending around 90 % of my time when I was awake on the computer. I hardly moved from my chair, I ate unhealthily, I slept badly and even though I was socialising online, I was pretty much living a life a hermit.

I knew I had to create some big changes in my life.

I knew I had to work hard on getting healthier and go out more.

I knew the dangers I was facing if I stayed on the path of a sedentary life.

My health slowly declining, and properly my mental health as well.

But making this change wasn’t easy. I often tried to change how I was sleeping, eating and my lack of doing any psysical activities. At times I changed it a bit, but would always eventually go back to my old unhealthy habits.

I knew I had to make a change that would stick this time, and my motivation for all this is my future.

I want to work harder on my dreams, and to do this I need a rhythm to my daily life.

I knew If I had to achieve any of this, I would have to make sacrifices, but not too big sacrifices where it would feel like a punishment, changing my habits.

So, what could I sacrifice away from my life? What could I put on pause?

I took one hard look at my day-to-day life and realised I had to cut the endless entertainment stream out of my life and cut it down to occasional fun.

So, choosing not to spend all my time gaming, but try to divide it.

And it worked.

I came up with a plan, and every month I stuck to it.

Today I now sleep eat exercise, socialise and so much in between that, that’s all super healthy and good for me.

There is only one problem.

I wanted to change to have more time and commitment to work on my you tube channel, but every month I found small new goals I wanted to do, and those small goals fills my schedule, so it feels like I have less time, then I intended to have.

I’ve realised I’m a bit of an overachiever, and I want to do everything, and I want to do it now.

Patience is not my strong suit.

So, if I don’t want to end up in storm that shakes the tower I’ve already built with care, it will end up toppling over and I would have to start over again.

I’ve realised

I set my goals too high and too fast when I’m in the zone of change.

So how can I set a balance that works for me, so I don’t end up straying from the path I’ve worked so hard to be on.

One of the things I’ve learned recently is that if you want to change something, its about developing a healthy habit for it.

And you do this by choosing one thing you want to change and then take small steps towards this every day.

Being the overachiever I am, of course I have 3 main things I want to maintain and balance.

And this is

  • My health – My goal is next year I want to have a healthy normal BMI. Currently I am a BMI of 32.9 so to get down to under the 25 I have to put it some work towards this, and my current plan is working, and I love working on it. I simply just do 10000 steps a day and try to control my portions. This is not something I want to give up since I feel healthier already and have so much energy to burn throughout the day. It also makes me happier and fuels me with inspiration and ideas for my future videos.
  • Socialising outside of the computer – this is a most for me, I need the small experience I get sitting on a cafe talking to new people, I need to go out and see the world around me, to not end up a hermit again. This improves my mental wellbeing massively, and also gives me the extra steps I want to do in a day.
  • This last step is the most important one to me. It’s the reason I wanted to change in the first place. It’s the main motivator for all of it. And its time to make my videos, and it’s the one I find the hardest to do at the moment. And its only because of all the other small things I do instead throughout the day, thinking I have enough energy for it when I get home, every day.

Overstimulation is my biggest issue. I notice its there, I feel its presence throughout my day, the burden on my back that feels a bit heavier every day.

But do I take a break too breathe?

No, I push on, because everything I do every single day, feels so amazing, new, and great.

And it’s really hard saying no to things you love doing.

I got opportunities right now that I could pursue.

My mentor wanted me to make a job application, and this fills me with excitement, but also fear. This has been my biggest dream for years to start working again, to be self-sufficient, but I know from experience that if I start something like that again it matters a great deal where it is, what the hours will be.

Being a highly sensitive person with a lot of baggage, makes it hard for me to do a 9 – 5, even if its something I absolutely love, even if the people there are the sweetest, and the work I do is something that is fun and rewarding.

I simply get too overstimulated, and I still need practising providing myself with a calm surrounding when this feels too much.

When I’m overstimulated, it builds up, slowly at first then builds up and can end up crippling me, and then I burn out.

I want to catch this before it happens next time, and that’s why I am slowly realising that its time to slow down again before I experience a total burnout.

The best job I realised years ago, would be from home. I knew this instinctively when I was a teenager, and that’s why I knew I wanted to one day write books and make my income that way.

That dream changed into something else when I fell in love with editing, so I know creating videos is my chance to get myself out of stagnation.

I know myself well now, and I know I burn bright and fast for the things I love, but if I don’t take a bit of care, then my light will dimmer just as quickly as it started burning, only because I always want to do 20 things instead of just deep focussing on one thing at a time.

With my you tube channel I’m also facing one of the biggest changes since I made my channel 3 years ago.

I have to change my direction entirely, and one of the biggest reasons I haven’t made videos for a while, is because it’s so damn hard letting go of something I’ve loved for years.

World of Warcraft was one of the things I decided to cut away from my schedule, and it was what I was making videos about.

I chose to cut this out, because of one main reason. I can’t find enough hours in the day to make the videos I wanted to make, which was competitive mythic + videos.

Trying to do the practise, find a team and then work on the videos, I knew it would take all my time. I attempted to make more casual videos for the game I love, but it simply wasn’t that interesting to me.

So, I knew I had to make a choice, and this choice I’m still struggling with today.

What else would I love making videos about?

I have 2 main interests that’s not world of warcraft.

And its sims 4 and Mental Health.

These 2 subjects I have 30 + video ideas for, and its so hard to choose between them.

One day I decide on doing sims 4 videos, the next its mental health, and so on.

I have always hated making choices between things I love, I would rather be able to do it all, but I know to well from experience, there is no chance in hell I have time or the energy for that.

Maintain 2 channels, alongside my health and social life.

So, I have to choose one, and I also have to cut down on the other activities I do every day, so yes, the next few weeks I need to put myself into a state of self-reflecting and make a choice and stick to it.

I know if I don’t, I’ll end up feeling more and more frustrated, because not making videos right now feels like I’m not getting any water or the air I need.

I need to feel creative; I need to work on my hobby, and I need to keep working towards my dream.

In all the changes happening in my life, I feel great but also feel it’s happening too fast.

I have changed so drastically and with a fire so bright, that I hardly recognise myself.

Its generally a good thing, I haven’t felt this happy and confident in years, and most of the changes has been easy, but I also know I need to slow down just a tad, so I don’t bring down a storm on my beautiful tower I’ve built.

I got some work to do and a few things to postpone, or stop focusing so hard on.

I am more determined then I have been of achieving my dream, but if I don’t start it will never happen.

The funniest thing, I know once I really start I will succed. I am confident enough of my abilities, and to make use of the many hours of learning resherch and practise ive gotten the last 3 years.

I just need to maintain that healthy balance so I dont burn myself out before I even start.

I need to learn that just because I sacrifice something out of my life right now dosnt mean i cant pick it up later at a later time.

I have been learning a bit about productivity and learning how to priotize what needs to be priotized, and thats why one of the things I can’t give up is working on my health and being a bit more social.

I also know fine well once I start working on my new you tube channel that I will have to maintain a healthy balance between work and rest, and not overwork myself as I usually do.

I admire the people who can maintain a full time job, with a side job and also being able to maintain their health, and work on healthy relations with friends, family.

Maybe one day I can teach myself to be that time efficiant, if I can just balance the feeling of overwhelm to a minimum.

But until then I have to keep making the hard choices in my life, to stay on the healthy and rewarding path I’m on right now.

Until next time…

I wanted to write about something else this week, but this is the only thing that fills my mind at the moment, my frustration of not being able to make any new videos.

I do have one victory this week and that is the amount of exersice ive been doing.

Going from 200 steps last year on a daily basis to achieving a minimum of 10000 steps every day has been great. By making this change, I feel so much healthier, and full of energy.

My Proudest Achivement this week. 20037 steps in one day.

I learned I found a forgotten love for exersice, and its something that I feel confident enough about that I’ll maintain.

Have an amazing night, day and morning 🙂

Missfaylyn out ❤

The Longest I’ve ever been single.

How has it been like?

My last relationship was over 2 and a half years ago, and for many this isn’t a long time to be single, but for me, it’s a lifetime.

Since I was 17 and until today, at an age of 37 I’ve jumped from one relationship to another.

Never allowing myself to be single for more then a few months.

It wasn’t because I was scared of being alone, that I ended up so quickly in another relationship.

My problem has been I fall in love easy.

Even though it’s a great feeling being in love and in a new relationship, it can also be a bad idea sometimes to jump straight into a committed relationship.

Especially if you have some things that needs to be worked on.

For me coming from a lifetime of bad stuff, I had a lot of healing to go through.

Abonnement issues, abuse in my childhood, unfaithful partners and the list goes on.

For my own self-esteem and self-worth, I had none when I turned 30, and its something I’ve been working on very hard since then.

But being in a relationship, I always found myself loosing more of myself.

Being an eternal people pleaser, I would compromise and give too much out of myself, and when eventually the relationship took a toll on me and my partner at the time, we ended it.

Instead of giving myself time to self-reflect, a few months later a new sweet guy stood in line to be my new partner.

Yep and no surprise there a few years after that relationship would fail too.

So around 2 and a half years ago I made a choice.

Enough is enough and it was time to start healing those scars I’ve ignored for too many years.

It was’nt easy.

First 6 months after the breakup I was still healing after the breakup.

I’ve experienced a lot of painful moments in my life, but breakups have always been the worst pain to go through, and this last one hadn’t ended well, with a lot of unanswered questions.

I felt more alone than I’ve ever felt in my life.

At the same time, I also lost a few of my friendships and was mourning that too.

I was oh so tempted to find love again to end that loneliness I felt.

But I was determined to find a way that worked so I could stay single and happy.

To not let myself delve to much in the fear of ending up alone forever.

I was determined to work on myself, and to do what I should have done years ago and look within.

I had to let myself feel the loss of several breakups, that I hadn’t let myself feel enough at the time.

In doing this I also had to look at why it had ended.

I believe it takes two to make a relationship, and therefor its not just my partners fault that it had ended, even though I tend to comfort myself with them being the bad guys, and me oh so innocent.

I was also at fault, and I had to start realising what exactly I did that was bad.

Here is what I found out.

I got into the relationship without any thought if we where compatible.

I always only ever listened to my heart, and if my heart was screaming that it was in love, I would dive deep off that cliff and not have any idea what was expected of me, or what to expect of my new partner.

Even if it was long distance, I didn’t give it any thought.

Love was enough for me, until years after and I realised it wasn’t.

Take my long-distance relationships for example.

We never discussed where it would end up, who would end up moving where.

So, I ended up in a relationship where both of us where unable to move for each other.

I have my daughter and my mom to take care off, and even though eventually I could move country, it wouldn’t be until my daughter turns 18.

There is also the factor of can you work and support yourself in the new country that was the issue.

I kept burying these future problems, until eventually reality hit us in the face.

Only seeing each other a 1 or 2 weeks at a time, every 3 – 4 months was hard.

It felt like a loss every time I went to the airport to go home again, and for an entire week after, I felt depressed annoyed and angry all the time.

He felt it too, and it only got harder with time.

Compatibility- life goals

There are a few things I need in a relationship.

I’m a pretty sensitive person, who needs to have a clear way of communication all the time.

I like to talk and especially about deeper things in life.

I need something new, either to learn or to experience new things all the time.

I’m pretty extroverted and love spending time with a lot of people, but I’m also a highly sensitive person, so I need for just as long to recharge my energy by being alone.

I’m emotional and need space to be so from time to time, preferably alone.  

I’m ambitious and will always strive for something higher.

When in a relationship, I stopped all that, and just followed. I never listened to what I needed but instead only focused on what my partner needed.

So, I kept ignoring the part of myself that needed to be alone, that needed to talk to new people, that needed to work on a project of mine.

In a lot of relationships, I even ended a few friendships, because of fear that my partner would get jealous.

Most of my friends are guys 😀

What my partners needed, to what I needed where complete the opposite, and though in the beginning it was easier to ignore this, though with time it would often create a lot of arguments, with someone having to budge a little, and that someone was always me. Not because my partners demanded this of me, I eagerly volunteered to do so to end any future arguments.

Bad communication

Not wanting to upset or hurt my partners I kept quiet often with how I really felt, and this caused a lot of tension.

They where pretty smart guys and could pretty easily tell when I was upset, but it was hard to get me to talk, and if I did, I would always hold something back.

I swallowed my anger and hurt a lot, and put it into a box well sealed away until it one day cracked, and all those emotions flooded to the top and left my partner overwhelmed, with every little thing I had spoken up about.

Why did I let it get so bad?

Because I have always hated conflict and often eagerly ignored my own needs, to please my partner, and the way I thought they wanted to be pleased.

Not in the way you might think 😀

More like what a wife in the 50s would do. A lot of mothering and perhaps a little smothering.

I basically changed every time I was in a relationship.

Not realising that this change was the opposite my partners fell in love with, and If we had instead been able to communicate better it could have been avoided.

All this I learned in my self-reflection, and it’s something I’m happy today that I found out.

Because next time I choose to go into a relationship it wont just be because I’m head over heels.

It’s going to be different next time.

You might think “how do you know it will be”?

Well since the last 2 and a half years, I’ve been in love twice, and had a fair bit of small crushes, and while feeling tempted to do what I used to do, and just jump over that cliff, I instead sat down and thought for a few days, giving myself time to really think of how compatible we are, if it’s a smart idea to go there.

Even though it was a little hard to realise we weren’t compatible, I felt really proud of myself for being able to do this.

To say no when my heart really wanted to say yes.

Now looking back, I realise I did the right thing.

I still needed time to heal those scars and get to know myself again.

It was time well spent.

I’ve learned to not disregard my own needs anymore.

To no disregard who I am, and what I want in life.

And my biggest achievement yet is that I’m a better communicator.

I still don’t like conflict, but I’ve learned a healthier way to deal with it without having to run away or end up people pleasing too much so I end up loosing parts of myself.

I would’nt have learned all this if I hadn’t let myself take a break from love.

Take a break to start loving myself more, to get to know myself again, and I am prouder of this feat then anything else I’ve accomplished.

It’s funny that staying single was the only thing I really needed.

I am still working on myself, and by being single I have all the energy and time to do so.

I am now in full progress to live a healthier and more fit life.

The last few months I’ve been determined to lose my old relationship weight and change my relationship with food and exercise.

I will write about this in another blog post soon.

To my biggest surprise being single for so long, its been a really amazing exeperience.

My relationship to myself has improved and I’ve learned a lot about myself that i never let myself really do before, since it was always about making my partners happy.

I never really feel alone anymore.

I instead nurish the friendships I have and strenghted my relationship with my family.

I never really feel alone spending time with just myself, even when I was secluding myself from the world burrying myself in work that last 6 months, I still never felt alone.

I do need to get out there a bit more and recently I have been, not to look for another partner but to create more friendships, talk to new people, since I realised I need it just as much as I need to be alone.

Ive learned by being single that its not just romantic relationships that can feel rewarding and deep, you can have that with friends as well. Not the romantic part, but feeling deeply connected, and that has properly been the most interesting discovery for me.

My friendships are now a lot deeper.

So my worst fear was just an irrational fear.

I dont feel alone being single, and I will never truly be alone.

Instead it’s a great time to grow in character and give yourself 100 % more attention, and I really needed that.

I do feel im getting a bit more ready for love again one day soon, and I am looking forward to experiencing that again.

This time around I’m excited with everything I’ve learned and im a lot more confident that it will be a lot better this time.

Until then I still have a bit more work to do, and I will do it with a smile.

If you have found yourself in my position, jumping from one relationship to another then maybe staying single for a while, might help you too.

Yes it was scary at first, and lonely, but eventually its actually pretty great.

For me to stop fearing ending up alone was just realising that the statistic of me ending up alone is practically zero.

I also had to realise that if hell froze over and in worst case scenario I would end up alone, then would that be so bad?

I realised it would’nt be that bad, because there are so much more to life then romantic love, and realising these two things, the fear stopped.

Falling in love twice since then proves this fact to me, that sooner then you realise there is another oppertunity for love, but its just as important to really feel ready for it.

And I knew I was’nt yet.

Have an amazing night 🙂

MissFaylyn out

Creating Healthier Habits

My life is in a weird place right now.

But in a good way.

I no longer live a sedentary life where I sit in front of my computer from the minute I wake up until the second I hit the pillow at night.

I no longer sleep whenever I want but go to bed at a decent time and wake up early in the morning.

This is the closest I have come to a normal life in my eyes, and I changed all this with small steps at attempting to build healthier habits for myself.

Habits that give me energy, makes me feel happier and a lot more confident.

To fully understand this let’s dive deeper into 3 years ago, until today.

3 years ago

My sleep Pattern

It wasn’t uncommon finding me still asleep at 6 pm at night. Having gone to bed at maybe 8 in the morning.

I wasn’t working or doing anything super important.

I was playing games on my computer.

Endless entertainment throughout my day.

I was fully immersed into gaming and yes it was great. I had a lot of laughs with my friends, I was competitive and improved my gameplay, and so much more.

But what I didn’t feel I had, was a purpose.

A purpose of waking up in the morning.

A purpose to devote my life too, myself too.

I just did what I felt like, slept when I felt tired, and I had no sleep pattern in that time.

I would often stay up until I physically couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore

Eating habits.

This would fluctuate massively.

I would sometimes forget to eat entirely, being too busy in game to remember that I was hungry and would end up overeating just before bed.

Sometimes I would eat all the time, still massive portions, because food was good.

I would eat a bag of crisps watching my tv shows, often every day.

No rhythm, no pattern, no thought at all to what I stuffed into my mouth.

I just did what I felt like, and I gained weight quickly.

When I was experiencing emotional pain, due to heartbreaks or other things I couldn’t control in my life, I would hardly not eat at all.

and I would lose 20 kilos in 4 – 6 months, and after I recovered from this, I would gain it all back.

So, my weight was a yoyo. Constantly going up and down, without any control from my side.

Exercise:

I didn’t do any. I was sitting in a chair in years.

Why?

I’ve always hated exercise. Without competition and fun, I always found it tedious.

I do love to dance, but I was rarely going out to do this.

If I went shopping, I could hardly carry anything and would need to take breaks to rest.

It was exhausting trying to do anything psychical at all so that made me want to do it less.

As you can see these 3 areas in my life wasn’t great.

I did not consider me healthy at all, and I realised over the years I had to change.

I had to change because I want to live a full life experiencing many things before, I get too old to do so.

I want to see the world, I want to grow old, I want to accomplish my dreams, and I realised if I don’t do anything about my sleep, my eating patterns and get a bit more exercise in, I won’t be able to do all the things I want in life.

It took a long time to get to this place of determination to even attempt to start.

My love for video editing was actually what gave me that determination.

Learning about making videos on you tube, and video editing, taught me about planning.

I learned when I had a plan for my videos, they ended up a lot better.

I also had to learn about better time management.

That I couldn’t just record and edit it in one long stretch, since most of my videos take about 2 days to do.

I had to spread it out, and I found my energy and effort where better spent, if I had a full night’s sleep in between.

That was the first time I thought about really changing my sleep pattern.

It wasn’t easy to start with.

I set a time to get up and a time to go to bed.

Some days I did this with great success, but some days I still found myself up at 6 in the morning, so I had to turn it back to normal hours again, and I had to do it slowly.

I have to get 8 hours to function normally, so the way I pushed my sleep around, to fit the day, was push back an hour every night or morning I went to sleep.

It took time to do, but eventually I would find myself waking up at 7 in the morning and going to bed around 11.

I found myself making my first schedule in May, and I realised it was pretty fun to do.

I enjoyed the work and my progress and would soon fill it out every month.

Colour coding the tabs, writing in pretty fonts even learning more about excel.

Which brings me forward to a month or so ago.

Where I made a commitment to myself that I want to take it a step further.

I want to learn to eat better, to exercise, to go more outside and talk to people in the world around me, to really live my life again.

And doing this gave me so much energy, so much purpose and so much confidence.

My plans for my videos have only increased.

My determination to accomplish my dreams are bigger then ever, and this determination is what drives me forward.

Today I manage what I eat. I challenged myself to do 10000 steps a day and find myself full of energy after this.

Building healthier habits for myself was a slow process.

It starts with a want or a need for something to improve, a goal, a purpose.

Then starts the work

It starts with a plan then action.

And what worked for me, was to remember the end goal and why I want to achieve this.

It also took some refining, what I wanted to do but also what is a realistic approach to it.

I had to learn to say no to some of the things I wanted

To say no to myself if I craved crisps, or to stay up one hour longer.

Always remembering why I’m on the path of changing my habits.

It starts with prioritizing what is important now and what can be postponed.

For me it was something like

“I really want to play a little longer, but I know if I do, ill have a hard time falling asleep so I need to go to bed, but then I can read a chapter in bed to help me calm down”

“I really want to make 2 videos this week, but my energy isn’t the best, so if I prioritize one video and write a script for the other then I get my energy up and have more energy to spend some quality time with the family and on myself”

“Okay its 7-o clock do I want to work for a few hours before bed or do I want to relax playing sims? Which one do I want to do more, I can’t do both before bed”

Doing this has increased my energy and self-care. I try to maintain a healthy balance of what I would like to do and what I need to do.

To not do too much so my sleep suffers, or I forget to eat or exercise.

It’s still a balancing act and I think it will always be, but I feel I’m a lot better at balancing every aspect of my life. Not doing too much or too little, but what my body and mental health feels is a perfect balance of what I need.

I still have a lot of work to do.

Now that I managed to work on healthier habits for myself, I have to maintain it.

Sometimes I’m sure i’ll fall back into old patterns, but I know now what works for me.

I have to have a purpose and a drive to change.

I have to do it my way, meaning for me, I have to create little challenges to make it fun, I have to make it a bit more interesting.

Like creating a 10000 steps challenge for myself is something I look forward to doing every day.

Learning new healthy recipes to cook makes me want to eat healthier, and because I eat at set times in the day and remember to eat, I look forward to every meal.

By not overeating I enjoy the food more. I get to savour the flavours more, and I crave vegetables and fruit more than crisps.

I’ve lost 5 kilos just by maintaining exercise and healthier eating patterns, and I have a lot of fun doing this.

I’ve learned to listen to my body’s need a lot more now, and I thrive, and I intend to do this for the rest of my life. No longer ignoring what I really need to stay healthy and happy.

I still need to work on creating a better work habit, and while I’m focusing on my health at the moment, I learn a little every day about planning, productivity, and how to rewire my brain in a positive way.

The next thing I want to dive deeper into is time management.

With creating healthier habits, I did learn one crucial thing.

One step at a time, and small ones if its going to work out.

I had to take mini steps, and if I found myself overachieving as I usually tend to do, then I have to create a little breathing space and take one of the plans I had out of my schedule.

That’s why at the moment, I’m focusing mainly on sleeping eating and exercising better.

My videos and gaming, has to be when I feel I have the energy for it.

I’m so much happier now then ive been in years

By creating healthier habits, I feel more energized, I feel stronger, because I exersice, and my relationship with food is a alot healthier, and feels a lot more rewarding.

My self confidence is pretty high at the moment.

My drive and commitment stronger then ever.

and even in all that I feel at peace with myself. I meditate every day for a little bit and this keeps me centered and ready to face any challenges I might find in my day.

By creating balance and overall health I feel like 100 % myself again. I dont remember a time in my life where I feel so strong at peace and truly happy.

And it’s all thanks to a little discipline, excel spreadsheets, a little planning and creating healhier habits in my life.

Do you have any experience in creating healthier habits? If so feel free to post below, would love to learn and hear more about it 🙂

Have an amazing night day and tomorrow.

MissFaylyn out… ❤

The Dark Side of Beauty

When I was a teenager I used to love dressing up and wearing makeup and dresses, that all changed when I grew older.

15-year-old Fay looking into the mirror

Green eyes, soft brown hair in braids, a soft curl to the stray hair.

“ERGH, I hate it, I hate how I look”

“I wish I could wear classes and look geekier, then maybe people would stop labelling me as pretty and cute. I could be considered a smart girl instead”

Fay was slim and had gotten curves early.

She knew she was considered beautiful and would often turn heads.

She remembered an incident, where she was walking with her dad in the streets, and a guy in a car with his girlfriend or a lady friend next to him, pulled his head out the window to comment on her ass.

Didn’t he know she was 15 and walking with her dad?

And how did his girlfriend feel about this?

Why couldn’t they just stop looking.

It wasn’t her fault, that she came out the way she did, of how she was born.

It wasn’t just that they would look very inappropriately, they would also sometimes try to steal a kiss, slap her on her ass or come with crude comments about what they would like to do to her.

Even her mom’s friend and to make matters worse her dad’s friend had attempted to kiss her.

Fay haven’t even had a boyfriend yet, not really anyway. She had no interest in playing kissing games or what should be normal her age.  

She liked Fashion at her age and wanted to be able to dress the way she liked to dress, not have to worry about how others would react to what she was wearing or how they treated her.

She remembered another incident, where her mother had bought her a really cool looking outfit.

White trumpet pants with a matching top that showed her belly. She loved that outfit and had worn it one day at the playground with her friends.

She had been 13 years old.

A girl down the street a few years older than her, and her boyfriend and his friends walked by.

Suddenly this girl started shouting that Fay had flirted with her boyfriend.

She hadn’t even looked at the guy, but the girl was convinced that fay in her new outfit had tried to seduce this stranger.

She had ended up being beaten up, and after that experience she didn’t want to wear that outfit again.

She had learned quickly that she had to be careful of how she would dress.

To not wear too much makeup or to not smile at strangers.

It wasn’t just the unwanted attention she got, that was annoying.

She also felt that because she looked innocent and cute, people would assume, she was just this sweet not so bright girl.

She loved learning and reading books, but people always assumed that she was just a pretty girl.

She would happily be considered book smart then have her whole personality defined by her looks.

It wasn’t fair.

19-Year-old Fay looking in the mirror.

“Should I put makeup on? Or just leave the house without?”

Fay and her friends were going out drinking, and she was excited. She couldn’t wait to hang out with her friends. Maybe if she was lucky end up in a conversation about deeper topics, like psychology, or debate the existence of life, and if there were life on other planets.

Fay lived for those conversations. It would spark her imagination, and she would learn so much about how others thought about these things.

But she feared that she would get unwanted attention again.

She just wanted to be free. Free to be herself, truly herself, and not have to deal with flirty boys, who expected more. Who would grab her ass and try to dance really close to her.

She knew she was attractive and with that came power.

She had once done something she was embarrassed about

She had asked the bartender if she could have a free drink if she flashed him. He eagerly said yes, and after it was done, she had gotten a free drink.

It was wrong, so wrong, and she didn’t like that feeling.

Even though she constantly got told by her friends that she should use this to her advantage, that she was lucky to be pretty.

She had even stumbled upon an article once that said that pretty girls would get father in life. Be luckier getting jobs and more opportunities.

It wasn’t fair. It shouldn’t be like that. It wasn’t something that should be important or off value.

What should matter if a person was a good person or not. Their personality, how they interacted with people around them.

“I just want people to see me for who I am, not for how I look. To look past the cute face and see that I’m intelligent, kind, and eager to learn new things” With a sigh, she looked away from the mirror, knowing full well that it was of no use, people saw how she looked as the first impression.

Later they would come to see past how she looked and get to know who she really was, but she knew she had to fight a little harder for that.

It was still hard to shake the label of just being cute, pretty and innocent.

She decided to leave the house without makeup, hoping it would help hide her away a bit. Become a bit more invisible.

29-year-old Fay looking into the mirror

And quickly looked away again.

Feelings of shame and disgust flooded her mind.

After the age of 19 she had come up with this genius idea, so dress less, to never wear makeup, and later it ended with her stopping to care at all about her looks.

She had gained over 60 kilos and was now considered obese.

It had worked for a while.

People around her would stop slapping her in the butt, they would stop shouting inappropriate things, and they would stop seeing her as just pretty.

She had had a chance to develop her personality.

To feel freer and truer to herself.

But she hated how she looked now, she hated how she felt.

She wanted to feel pretty again, just for herself, to wear what she wanted to dress in, to wear makeup again, but she was still too scared to care for herself.

If she got thin again and looked pretty again, then the attention would come back, and she didn’t think she could live with that kind of attention again.

Every time someone had slapped her ass or said inappropriate things to her, she felt an even bigger shame, and rage.

Rage over her past.

Rage that she had been sexually abused by her foster father at the age of 12.

Her lawyer telling her at 18 that she thought he did it because he had in a twisted way fallen in love with her at that age.

Her remembering her mom and dad’s friends who would try to steal a kiss.

She WAS not property that people was allowed to touch whenever they felt like it.

She WAS a human being with feelings and boundaries, with a care for the world and those around her, eager to learn about the world and wanting to live a normal life, but no one seemed to care about that. No one would ever see past her beauty, as a person.

She would rather any day be obese.

At least she was left alone to be herself.

She just wished that she would grow to love how she looked now.

She still felt she was staring into a stranger’s eyes.

The person in the mirror wasn’t her.

37-year-old Fay looking into the mirror.

“Hello there beautiful” She winked at herself.

A lot had happened the last 8 years.

She now longer felt ashamed of how she looked.

She dressed for herself, and only herself.

She had learned to set healthy boundaries for herself and had learned how to handle unwanted attention.

She was still overweight but felt comfortable in her skin now.

She noticed her first grey hair and thought it to be rather charming.

She laughed “I cannot believe I used to be scared of getting grey hair”

She wanted to get back into shape, to take care of how she looked, but mostly for her own health.

She wanted to dress in a style, she liked. At the moment it was gamer clothes.

Black comfortable pants, with gaming related text on her t shirts.

She even started to wear makeup, and wanted to experiment more with a different style of clothing.

She had to learn how to apply makeup, how to dress for the occasion and how to apply skincare.

For years she had neglected how she looked and felt a little embarrassed not knowing the basics at the age of 37, but then again it was never too late to learn.

She remembered the slight embarrassing encounter with the lady in the makeup store when she asked for help with finding a cream for her skin and a bit of foundation that would match her skin tone.

The lady had asked her so many questions about if she wanted night-time or daytime makeup and cream.

Fay had just awkwardly said “For the whole day I think?”  

Then the lady had started trying to explain what she meant, and fay still felt a little lost and picked the 24-hour cream and a foundation.

When she applied the foundation for when she was recording herself for her videos, she had no idea if she did it right.

But practise makes perfect right? She thought.

She knew she had a lot to learn, but she was also eager to learn.

She wished she had learned what she learned over the last few years, when she was a teenager.

So, she wouldn’t have to feel so bad about feeling beautiful for almost her entire life.

That her beauty had been more of a curse then a compliment.

She knew if the wrong attention she had gotten hadn’t happened then she would likely not have felt it to be a curse.

She still occasionally got the kind of attention when she was streaming on twitch but had learned to stop it quickly. Set a firm boundary when it went to far.

Today she was just Fay – or else known as MissFaylyn, not just that pretty cute girl over there.

TODAY

Today I’ve learned a lot about myself.

But I still have a long way to go.

One of the things I want to learn is to feel beautiful not for others but for myself.

I do feel that way today, but I want to get to the point where I can wear a really beautiful dress and makeup one day, where I can feel comfortable in it, and not feel like I’m too exposed.

I still struggle a little with feeling too pretty, from how I grew up thinking when I was young.

To me it really was a curse, something that felt bad, and something I had to hide away, to stop the wrong kind of attention from people around me.

I have learned to set healthy boundaries, and when people tell me I’m pretty, I don’t get angry anymore but can take it as a compliment.

How people dress and how they look is something I don’t really care too much about, as I see it, its for them. If they feel happy and comfortable that’s all that matters.

I see the person I talk to not if they have red hair or brown.

The person behind the exterior is what I see, and what I appreciate.

To me today, how people are as people is true beauty to me.

My past taught me one thing that I appreciate to this day.

And that is my ability to see the person, not how they look, its something that helps me take that extra step to ask questions when I meet a new person.

Learn more about them as people, and not judge how they are by how they look.

I’m still not a fan of the media today.

Commercials, and programs that tell us that we should look beautiful, wear antiwrinkle cream, cover the white hair, get a face lift or surgery.

Make ourselves into something we are not just because society deems us not pretty enough and that the main goal is to be beautiful.

If people do it just for themselves that’s great, but if it’s because they feel less of what society think they should be, that’s not okay

Every one of us is beautiful in my eyes.

We all shine bright, our different personalities and individual uniqueness, and that SHOULD be celebrated. Who we are as people. Our quirky sides, and all the other sides we have.

That’s where the beauty is, and not how we where born, or what our genes gave us.

MissFaylyn out…

Have an amazing night and be the beautiful human being you are! 🙂

Nostalgia is a B…. Sometimes

Any of you ever find yourself sticking to a past memory like glue?

I do…

Alle the time, and its one of the things that to no end annoys me.

What memories am I talking about and why does it annoy me?

Let me tell you a story 😊

Faydra went for a walk in the forest.

A warm soft breeze on her skin.

The birds tweeting in the far distance.

The sun shining through the branches which almost made the forest look magical.

Faydra was in a really good mood.

Her life was in a good place, nothing to worry about but so much to look forward to.

She sat down in the grass with her feet bare so she could feel the grass between her toes.

She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and exhaled.

She thought about her past and how far she had come to reach where she was today.

All her achievements, accomplishments, the work she had done within herself.

She smiled, feeling an intense sense of pride.

She thought of her old friendships, old relationships, and suddenly she felt tense.

Memories washing over her, ruining this happy moment of serene peace.

Memories of regret, of fights not yet resolved, heartbreak without closure.

She felt a tinge of anger.

Why these memories?

Why couldn’t she forget these memories?

It was from her past, several years in the past.

She was a different person now.

There had been really good memories in those past relationships too, why did she always go to the bad ones?

She often found herself wishing, wanting to go back to change the outcome or just have that one final talk with all of them.

In hope of washing the pain away that it brought after.

Or the confusing feeling of why it had ended that way.

In 90% of the cases, she had never truly understood why friendships and love relationships had ended.

She had never gotten the answers she craved.

She knew that she had to let it go. It was years ago, and she didn’t want to think of the past anymore, but yet she often went there.

To past experiences, her past self, her past relationships.

She understood rationally that things change, people change, everything changes.

She understood that even if past connections had ended, even in a bad way, that in the end it was a good thing, because it made her into what she was today, but she still felt care and love for these people.

And that love was hard to shake.

Even if they didn’t deserve this love, even if they where different people now, and would never meet again.

She loved them for all the good they had done to her, the memories she still cherished, the laughs she had had with them

Some of them she hadn’t even said goodbye too, they had just slowly vanished from her life.

Faded away into a distant memory.

Connections lost in the nether.

Raindrops started falling and turned quickly into a heavy rain shower.

Faydra got up annoyed, angry with a tinge of pain in her heart still.

Why did those memories always come up to haunt her at the most inconvenient time ever.

She walked home, with heavy steps, sensing the burden she was still carrying after all those years.

The end…

I often think about past connections that got lost.

I still have a hard time moving on from them.

I once read that being a Highly sensitive person, you often feel yourself move on much slower from past relationships or past connections.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m a highly sensitive person or not, but I do know that it still bothers me a great deal, even years after.

I don’t just find it slow to move on, but I also often think of people from 15 years ago sometimes longer.

Occasionally I do reach out and get that last word in, the needed closure I so crave.

But I’ve often come to realise that getting closure, just brings up a million other questions that go unanswered.

The truth is and I know this, that the most common reason we move on from friendships or relationships is that we change. We grow apart, or something in the dynamic changes.

If we don’t find ourselves able to grow together or meet halfway that’s where a friendship often fades.

It’s often miscommunication that’s the culprit too, in my past relationships, and I find that harder to fix when time has passed.

Sometimes I have been able to go back to a dear friend and rekindle that connection.

But most times they just fade out.

And its annoying, because I still think fondly of the memories I have, and I sometimes wish I could have just one more day doing mythic +, chilling after work at the pub, or travel to the UK to see them.

I also know that if I did do that, it wouldn’t be the same.

One: I’m not the same person anymore

Two: They also changed.

Three: I know that it’s just a heavy case of nostalgia. Wishing that I could go back in time to live out those memories again, because I wasn’t ready for it to be over when it was over.

So how do I accept and move on from this?

When I rationally know that it was for the best?

Why do I still go back to it?

I honestly wish I knew…

The people come into your life all the time.

You will love and laugh again.

And have more memories that you will cherish one day.

You will build connections that could last a lifetime.

I still have friends in my life I have known for 10 – 15 + years, and I do find that we are growing together in our friendships, some of them I speak to rarely some of them often.

Every person I connect with, I cherish, and care for.

And its hard to let that go, its hard to move past that, even if it was for the best to part.

I wish…

I often wish we lived in a smaller community with a simpler lifestyle, where building that sense of connection would last longer.

My mom is gypsy, and she grew up in this tiny community where everyone knows each other and almost everyone close related or connected in some way.

In her small town, they have connections that last a lifetime. Most of them stay in that town, their whole life.

It’s always something I envied.

I wish I could have kept just a few of the people from my past. That we could have grown together as friends.

Nostalgia is a B…. sometimes.

I’m in a good place in my life and I think that’s why its annoying I find myself ruminating this way, when I should be focussing on just being in the present, enjoying the beautiful day it is.

I am thankful though that I had them in my life, that we had months and many years together, filled with memories and life experiences.

Just sucks it ended.

And yes, yes I know, everything ends eventually in some way or another and new ways, new experiences, new relationships opens up.

When a door closes another open.

Can you relate to this?

If so feel free to post below 🙂 If not, then I hope it was interesting to read.

I know I write a lot of little “stories” lately, but its always been easier to express myself and my thoughts this way, and Faydra is basically my inner self, in many ways.

She is my inspiration, my inner thoughts and feelings. She is also my avatar in the games I play 🙂

Missfaylyn out

I never realised until today how lonely I’ve been

Thinking back to my experience today feels me with joy and warmth, a feeling I haven’t felt in ages.

I didn’t plan to write another blogpost day, but I’m so inspired that I feel compelled to put my experience on paper.

So here goes…

A Picture I took today of some beautiful flowers. I feel this beauty today and felt the need to share ❤

Faydra smiled.

Today was the day.

She had no idea what to expect but was excited to find out.

She yawned a little, it had been almost impossible trying to sleep last night.

She was never good with the feeling of excitement; it would overwhelm her to a point where it was hard to calm down enough to fall asleep.

Normally she would read herself to sleep but she had promised herself to just close her eyes and try her best.

A million thoughts had entered her mind, expectations of what would happen the next day, her work and many ideas and dreams for the future.

The future couldn’t look any brighter than it did right at this second.

She smiled again, feeling the warmth and a sense of calm in her heart.

She felt the world changing around her. She heard it in the breeze coming from her window, on the sun piercing her skin, she heard it in the music she was listening and singing along too.

It was time to get ready.

She looked at the clock a bit nervous that she would be late.

“Phew” She exhaled, relieved to see that she had a lot of time.

She didn’t want to rush herself today but take it easy, step by step.

She found the clothes she wanted to wear today. Should she wear the harry potter t-shirt or the t-shirt with her favourite heavy metal band – five finger death punch?

She decided on the harry potter t-shirt.

She started packing her bag.

What should she bring?

Her e-reader for the train, if she found herself too overwhelmed it would help to calm her down.

What about her pen and little notebook?

If she had any new ideas, it would be nice to be able to write it down.

She brought them both.

Overpacking as usual, but better to be prepared for anything.

It was time to head down to the train.

She was silently humming on the walk there and when she was there it arrived just in time, like it knew that she was here, ready to step onboard.

She found her seat, and silently took in her surroundings.

She realised how much she had missed that feeling of excitement for new experiences.

For 3 years she had closed herself of in her room, and she hadn’t really noticed how lonely she had been.

She craved human connection, real connection.

To meet new people, learn more about them, see the world from their perspective.

To be able to use her voice again, deep in conversation, that’s what she wanted.

Yes, she got a lot of that online, but it wasn’t the same.

Body language was missing from that. Being able to psychically be present with other humans in the same room, that was what she craved.

Would it be a good day or a disappointment, she had no idea, and that was what was so exciting to find out.

In the train she found herself all of the sudden wanting to do a little kindness meditation.

Something she had recently learned from a you tube video.

She started reciting.

“May I be loved, May I be safe, May I be well, Maybe I be happy” May I be loved, May I be safe, May I be well, May I be happy” May I be loved” deep breath in “may I be safe, May I be happy, May I be well” Exhale.

She wasn’t sure it was in the right order, but she felt herself smiling trough her thoughts.

She extended this thought to everyone else, in the train and in the world, reciting, between breaths

“May everyone be loved, may everyone be safe, may everyone be well, may everyone be happy.”

Exhale

She had never really liked meditation, but she did feel the effects of this kind of meditation.

She felt her calm down from the excitement a little and could just be in the present of the train ride.

It was time to get off the train. It had been a nice relaxing experience.

Normally she would feel overwhelmed by the people and the noise, but today she only felt calm.

She got off and walked slowly to her destination.

She looked around

Was it here?

She wasn’t sure which way she was meant to go. She looked around the house numbers and realised that she had picked the wrong road.

She still had a lot of time, so she just turned around, and walked the other way.

She stood outside with a smoke in her hand.

She still felt a bit embarrassed that she hadn’t been able to quit this unhealthy habit, but she knew in time she would attempt it again.

They started turning up.

A smile, a nod, a smile back.

She felt a little shy but was determined to just jump into conversation with them when she had the opportunity.

They where meet by the group leader.

Kind words, smiles, and a nice introduction.

It was warm in the room they were escorted to, a small welcoming breeze from the window.

A coffee in Faydra’s hand, she looked around the room and felt overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed with positive energies.

She felt safe and present.

The meeting was over, and Faydra was on the train home.

Her heart had grown 10 times as big. She was smiling up to her ears.

Pure joy, excitement. The day had turned out way better then she could ever have expected it too.

Everyone had been so nice, and Faydra had found herself wanting to get to know them all more.

She felt disappointment only when the meeting had been over.

She wanted to stay more, learn more, connect more.

She knew she had a chance again in 3 days. Two days a week she would have a chance to get to know new people. Face to face, and not from another computer screen to another.

She didn’t realise until this moment, how lonely she had felt for years.

Knowing this, she decided it was time. Time to get out there again.

Time to connect with the world she lived in

Time to really live her life again.

Today I went to a group meet up to meet likeminded people, and that experience was a lot better than I had expected it to be.

In my little story that I wrote above, I really felt how lonely I’ve been throughout the years.

Being able to connect and meet new people is an amazing experience, and a lot less scary than I thought it was going to be.

Having friends online is different to meeting people psychically, and I don’t think I really understood the difference before.

I’ve also been so buried in my work and in my head for a while.

I’ve not really felt lonely or unhappy.

I’ve actually not been this happy for years.

But meeting people today was an experience I didn’t know I was missing, and realising it now, today, is a gift.

It’s a gift because the world feels brighter, fuller of life, that’s not just my little world in my room.

I was always curious to how the corona virus affected the world.

I had lived in of isolation for years, before corona hit.

Well not complete isolation since every social interaction I had was with my friends online, but today I realise the true effect of that isolation.

What the world felt, and now I feel the freedom of that fear being over.

No longer needing to isolate, but rather that’s its time to join the world again, in the psychical.

It’s truly Beautiful…

If you feel like me, that you have been isolating for any reason?

Sign up to a class with likeminded people, and feel that isolation leave you replaced by hope, joy, and excitement. Connection

That was all I wanted to share today 😊

MissFaylyn out, and I wish you all a beautiful, inspired day.

Finding Balance

I’ve never been good at creating balance in my life.

I either do things in extremes or not at all

Ill give you an example.

My balance curve has always been too short, but its something I actively try to get better at working on.

My videos and Creative work

When I feel inspired or passionate, I can work on my videos from the minute I get up until late morning, sometimes I even worked well past noon.

When I feel any kind of passion for anything I work hard, not noticing that I’m hungry or tired, and forget my other responsibilities.

I go into super drive and end up feeling burned out.

On the other side of the coin, there are days where I find it hard to stay motivated. I get easily distracted and if the passion and enthusiasm isn’t there then it feels forced when I try to do any kind of work.

This can take months where I find it almost impossible to do any work.

I get annoyed when I can’t work. I have a constant need to be creative, to learn and expand, and I’m not fun to be around when I’m in this mood.

Constantly going around with the intense feeling of restlessness.

My social life.

This is pretty much the same, I either do it in extremes or not at all.

Always find it hard to balance.

There are days where I want to be around people all day and night long, and rarely tire of this.

I can feel I get overstimulated, and overwhelmed by constant social interaction, but I push that feeling aside, because the drive to remain social is higher.

I constantly seek out others company, because I mostly need my mind to be stimulated by others’ ideas, and to learn from their perspective.

I like feeling needed in my friend’s group and create fun little events or just be entertained playing games with them online.

Then the other side of the coin.

When the feeling of overwhelm and overstimulation every day, starts getting harder to ignore, I detach and hide.

I find the peace and quiet of my room and enjoy my own company more.

Problem with this, is that it can last a few months or more.

Most of my friends are starting to get used to seeing, that I’m either always there or not at all.

Unhealthy habits – sleep, exercise, and food.

Even this I either do in extremes or not at all.

Not to the point where its really unhealthy, but its not good either.

I go into moods, where I either sleep too much or only get 2 – 4 hours a night.

I go into periods where I hardly feel hungry or eat way too much.

Or I hardly move at all for months

This is mostly affected of my passions. If I’m too busy creating a video, or sit up way too long with my friends, or the opposite of the coin, where I sit alone, and do nothing all day. That’s where I feel tired all the time, I sleep too long and eat too much, and move too little.

So, balancing out my life has always been a hard feat.

I know myself well enough today that I know I always crave stimulation of my mind with activity.

I’m pretty sure if I wasn’t a Highly Sensitive person, and had a pretty rough past, then I would be a workaholic.

Always on the move, always working and very active.

I love being busy, but I also know that I don’t handle overstimulation well.

Being busy normally puts me in a constant feeling of overstimulation.

I really dislike being bored or not stimulated enough. It leaves me with a feeling of not accomplishing anything, and I need to do something, learn something, or create something.

So how do I find a balance between every aspect of my life, so I don’t end up doing the extreme?

Recently I’ve worked really hard on myself. I’ve realised that I still have a lot of work to do on myself.

Its funny there is always something to work on in life, and I do admit I like that.

It gives me an opportunity to grow, and it’s the main thing I constantly crave in my life.

Stagnation is hell.

The things I’ve learned so far to stop the extremes.

What I have learned over the last 6 months is that I’ve found a way to stop myself before the extreme is about to happen.

When I felt passion and a high sense of enthusiasm for my work, I caught myself realising I was working most of the day, I stopped myself in my track, wrote everything down that I wanted to work on a word page, saved it, and left my work.

I went for a walk and felt able to calm down a little.

I made dinner, and watched a movie with my mom, and went to bed.

Next morning, I woke up and continued my work.

I am proud of this feat, because normally I would continue and not stop until way to late. Realizing too late that my sleep got messed up and that I hadn’t eaten all day.

The other side of the coin.

When I find myself struggling for inspiration or motivation.

I sit down and watch something I really want to work on or learn.

I always have something I want to be better at or know more about, and thankfully you tube is a great source for me to get inspired or learn something new.

I also got myself a skillshare subscription and love the amount of knowledge I have already gotten from watching a few videos on there.

I’ve managed to stay energized, motivated, and inspired doing this, and no longer find myself stagnating.

Since I’m better at controlling my high, I don’t burn myself out as much anymore and try to control the sense of overstimulation I receive each day.

So, for the first time in my life, I’m on my way to creating balance.

I realise that its work to get there fully.

When you have taught yourself a bunch of bad habits in life its what your brain remembers and try to revert back too.

I’m in the process of rewiring my brain to stop those bad habits.

Having more balance in my life means that I’m healthier, both of mind and body, and I’ve noticed how rewarding that feels.

Why did it take me so long to work on creating balance in my life?

I honestly had no idea I could create this in my life.

I had no idea, how to do it.

It was always so frustrating to me feeling the extremes and get burned out by both.

Being disciplined has always failed me in the past. I would start trying to do something that was healthy and end up reverting back to my old routines quickly.

It wasn’t until I started reading about being a highly sensitive person, but also find videos or books on the subject of the importance of creating a good workflow and healthier life as well.

I’ve learned how to be more motivated, more inspired, when I find it hard to be.

I’ve realised my bad habits and not run away from that fact.

And most importantly what I really crave in life.

I’m no longer ashamed of feeling overwhelmed by things and I no longer allow myself to stagnate for a longer period of time.

I have again been reminded of the importance of self-reflection and seek out knowledge from likeminded people like me.

I wouldn’t have gotten to this point, if not for my amazing mentor, who motivated me to work on this area in my life.

I know I did most of the work, but he made me believe it was possible to try again.

I’m hoping in a years’ time this new habit of creating balance in my life sticks, if it doesn’t then I know ill be able to practise it in time. If I just keep working on myself and self-reflect.

By feeling balance in my life, I feel so much more fulfilled, energized, and happier than I’ve been in years.

Who knew that listening to your body and minds signals where that important 😀

Feel free to comment down below if you have had issues with balance in your life, and how you dealt with it 😊

MissFaylyn out.

Small Update

I have a lot of posts for the future I want to write about and can comfortably say that I will make a post every week.

Giving myself enough time to get inspired and write is easier now, and I intentionally save all my ideas for a later day, instead of posting them all at the same time, like I have done in the past.

It’s a little experiment of mine to see if I can keep a weekly schedule of making a new blog post, if I can do that then I’m on the way to creating a better workflow for my videos too.

I do want to admit when I feel passionate and eager to write, its hard putting in the brakes, but it’s a lot healthier for me and I reckon it will be easier with practise.

Also have a schedule, writing down every idea I have works wonders for me so far.

I went from a person who hardly remembered if today was Monday or Sunday, to loving making excel spreadsheets and writing down notes.

That to me is proof that everyone can change bad habits.

So yes, my plan for my blog is minimum one post a week.

Until then 😊

The Kind words of a Social Worker

Its too warm today. A heatwave in Denmark. While wanting to write a few blogpost finding it hard to choose, what to write about, suddenly I remember a moment in my life.

A moment of great importance to my life today.

And its all thx to this kind and caring social worker I had a few years ago.

Here is what happened.

“So, Fay, what are your dreams in life, the perfect scenario happening in 10 years, where do you see yourself”?

The clock in the room Fay was sitting in was ticking behind her. Tick Tick, Tick

The social worker in front of her, with eyes of compassion and empathy, eagerly and curiously waiting for an answer.

Tick Tick Tick, the clock went.

Fay tugging nervously at her shirt, not sure what to answer. She looked up and caught the social worker smiling at her.

Trying to deafen out the ticking clock in the room, she answered.

“Ehm…. Honestly I’m not really sure……Like…..Ehm.”

She looked down and starting tugging at her clothes again

“If you could pick anything in the world, Fay. Like anything, what would you like to do? What would make you happy?

Fay heard the concern but still a lot of compassion in her social workers voice and wanted nothing more then to find the right answer to this question, but she wasn’t sure she had any.

What would she like to do in her life?

Fay had been on welfare for 10 years now.

Unemployed.

Living in the shame of not being able to support herself had been hard.

Waking up in the morning with no purpose, no direction in her life, no more then just existing was hard.

Before she had been labelled as unfit to work, she had had so many dreams.

Unreachable dreams now.

She had imagined her life as a librarian at a library, and a successful part time writer.

She imagined herself working with charity, maybe help in Africa for the charity organisation she had worked for a year when she was 19.

She had imagined herself as a social worker, helping others who were in her parents’ position.

They were also labelled as unfit to work.

Unemployed.

She hated that word.

She knew it was futile to start dreaming again. She knew it would just end up, in her feeling disappointed again.

She had been trying to get out of the system for years now, but her mental health and her past, always stopped her progress cold.

She always felt when she took a step forward she took 2 steps backwards at the same time.

She didn’t want to feel that feeling again.

Why couldn’t she just exist, nothing more. Just be

Her darker internal voice suddenly took over, and fay felt she was losing control of her own thoughts.

YOU are not good enough, YOU will never be good enough, people just waste their time trying to help you. YOU are too broken, too sensitive. Just give up already. YOU should be ashamed of yourself, everyone else is.

Suddenly she was alone in the room.

Fay filled with fear, not wanting to listen to the words, but they became louder.

JUST STOP TRYING, YOU ARE WORTHLESS!

Why couldn’t she just be left alone. Could everyone in her life not see that it was pointless. Why keep trying if she was only meant to ever fail, and fail again?

Fay staring at the floor, trying not to cry, trying to mask the internal battle going on inside of her.

“Look Fay, I understand it’s a tough question. I know it’s been hard, but I’m only trying to help you.

I think you have a lot of possibility to get out there again and do something you love, but you have to believe it’s a possibility first.”

Fay heard the words, heard the care for her. Not just as a client but as a human being. The voice of her social worker snapped her back to reality. It wasn’t so much the words she said, but more the care and concern in her voice.

Fay didn’t want to disappoint, her caring social worker, so she said.  

“I want to work, I want to have dreams, I want to believe in myself again, but it’s so hard, when I keep failing at everything I try to do”

She started tearing up and tried just as quickly to wipe away the tears running down her cheek.

God, now she was crying again, how embarrassing.

The social worker got up from her chair, smiled with such care that it was too late for Fay to stop herself from crying, now she was openly crying. Tears in a constant stream

She was handed a handkerchief and the social worker put a hand on Fays shoulders, as to try and comfort her as much as she could.

Fay looking up, smiling

“It’s just I don’t know what to do. I’ve always wanted a dog, but I’m not aloud that where I live. I like wrtiting sometimes and playing video games, but it’s not something I can do for a living, its Pointless” With a heavy sigh she looked up at her social worker waiting for her to agree with her. To realise it was pointless

“And why do you think that you can’t do that for a living eventually in let’s say 10 years?”

“It might take time Fay, but I believe you can get out there again, I don’t think its pointless, a lot can happen in 10 years, have faith”

“You could work with computers, gaming or writing, even if its just part time, There will always be new oppertunities opening up, new career options.“

The answer shook fay. She didn’t expect her social worker to say that.

Why was it that she thought it pointless to work?

That there was no hope?

Fay smiled and felt a little silly.

Her social worker was right, maybe there was hope.

Suddenly her world brightened up just a little bit more.

Yes, she was unemployed, unfit to work, but now there was hope.

Hope that one day she would get out on the other side and be able to dream again.

Hope….

She tasted the word in her mouth

Hope…

It felt good

Take that Dark Inner voice.

This little story was an experience I had, going through the exact same thing

Having been unemployed for years, I stopped dreaming and stopped believing that I could have a normal life, with a job I loved, or any job at all.

During that time, I felt like a zombie, eat, sleep repeat.

Until I meet a caring social worker who made me believe in myself again.

Just asking me to have a little faith in myself.

That was the point in my life where I stopped settling for just existing, and where I began to dream.

The dreams started out small, like wanting to move one day to get a dog, then the dreams grew a little bigger.

Like getting better at gaming.

Then the dreams grew to what they are today.

Today I have so many dreams, and I am confident enough to say that one day those dreams will happen.

I Understand now what hope can do.

Hope and faith that things change.

Understanding that we grow every year as people. Externally, internally, and in wisdom.

Today I am ever so thankful towards my social worker and other professionals in my life who helped me remember that hope is everything.

Hope sparked the flame inside.

Being able to dream is so important to me.

To have a purpose of waking up in the morning, and work towards my dreams and small goals in life is the main reason I feel truly happy.

Every time I reach a goal, even if it was back then to just being able to be a better gamer it gave me the confidence to set new goals, make new dreams.

Of cause it’s a lot of work in the background, but its work I do happily knowing that it’s never pointless to dream, and to try and follow your dreams.

Today Im always greatful for the words of my socialworker. Without the care and compassion I had from her, Im not sure if I would have listened. Without the words that inspired me to hope to dream where would I be today?

If you find yourself in the same situation in your life as I was in, where it feels pointless to dream, remember that there is always hope, you just have to have faith in yourself and that we constantly grow in every aspect of our life. Ever changing, expanding.

Dare to dream, to dream big, and have faith and hope that one day its possible to reach the end of the line of your goals, to accomplish your dreams and that hope is always there.

Now im gonna go stick my head in the freezer for 5 mins, and try to cool down in this heatwave.

Have an amazing evening 🙂

MissFaylyn Out ❤