Finding my Purpose and how much I Changed because of it.

When I was 18, I dreamed big.

I dreamed of writing books.

I dreamed of going to university, having a degree in something.

I dreamed of having a career, and a family one day.

Of having my very own house and live a life that most people do.

10 years later when I turned 28, I realised that this dream was something I could never achieve.

At this point, I lived a life in fear.

I struggled with anything that looked like routine.

I had trouble sleeping and found myself being awake in the early mornings and sleeping too long until late afternoon.

I ate too much junk food, and my health was declining.

I was afraid of going to the grocery shop to buy food and struggled to go to any state appointments.

The state wanted to retire me early, and I was at this point contemplating if I should.

I had no hope of getting better.

A part of me didn’t want too.

I had no purpose, no dreams left.

I just wanted to be left in peace.

Alone to my own devices.

And just sleep, eat, play online games, and repeat.

Everything felt like a struggle.

So why keep trying?

I was content living this way.

At least this way of living didn’t make me feel scared.

The things I feared doing had piled up to be a long list.

I couldn’t go shopping alone.

I couldn’t talk to strangers in the phone.

I couldn’t go down and wash my clothes in the basement.

I couldn’t go outside alone.

I couldn’t do anything that looked like routine.

I still had issues sleeping at the same time every day.

I struggled to find energy to cook or clean every day.

I struggled to do anything that resembled a normal life.

So, what was the point in trying to work a normal job, to have a career and follow my dreams?

I had no purpose.

I just lived.

Then something changed.

A few years ago.

Almost 4 years now.

I woke up one morning and I found the strength to make my own website and start a blog post.

I found the strength to stream my games and found a love for video editing.

This gave me purpose.

It gave me hope.

Hope that one day maybe I could follow my dreams and be something more.

Than just live a life in fear and discomfort.

Maybe I could one day support myself and be able to achieve what I put my mind too.

Waking up every morning today, I feel a sense of purpose.

I have something to wake up too.

I have a lot of dreams today, and they fuel me with a strength I never thought I had in me.

The last year alone, has proven to me that I am a lot stronger than I ever thought possible.

I have changed my life drastically this year alone, and I couldn’t have done it without having my dreams to fuel me.

Everything I do today is for the purpose of my dreams.

Every fight I fight internally and externally is for my dreams.

Every massive life change I go through is for my dreams.

And I do it with a smile.

I have faith now, that I didn’t have before.

That the struggle of my past is behind me, and that a brighter future awaits.

I have come to realise that this is what I was missing when I was in my 20ies.

Purpose.

A reason to get up in the morning

A reason to keep fighting.

By having a sense of purpose, it made it easier for me to do the necessary work on myself.

To face my fears, to overcome obstacles, and even face sides of myself that used to fill me with dread.

Being brave enough to face my past and deal with my fears.

Being brave enough to see my shadow sides and work on them.

Turn them into something else.

To find a way around the things I find hard, instead of just giving up.

Its all for the sake of my dreams.

This realisation that it was what I was missing, gave me a newfound hope.

To keep dreaming big, and to keep moving forward towards my dreams.

Because in a few years I’m confident enough to say that I will no longer be on welfare.

I now see a way out.

I now see me for me.

A person who has great potential.

A person of great strength.

I’ve changed

A lot

And I couldn’t have done this if it weren’t for me being brave enough to start this blog.

To start dreaming big and taking one small step at a time towards this.

So, what is my dream?

I want to inspire, to make someone smile, to make someone laugh.

It’s that simple.

And I attempt to do this when I write, when I stream, when I make my videos.

I have already done what I never in my wildest dreams thought possible.

I have managed to write posts that you all read.

And when I receive a notification that you have liked one of my posts, it fuels me with strength to keep working.

To keep dreaming, to continue.

And this is the greatest gift you give me.

A reason to wake up in the morning.

Purpose.

To write more posts.

To share my story, my fight, and my thoughts.

I have now hit my sub goal for the year.

75 followers and my heart swells with pride.

I did something I never thought possible 10 years ago.

I’ve always wanted to write, but I didn’t believe I had anything important to write about.

I didn’t believe I could manage to write something good, and I felt too scared to try.

I am happy that I was brave enough to try 3 years ago.

I started blogging for myself.

So, I could remember past lessons, and remind myself of the struggles I had overcome.

My greatest hope was that maybe one person would stumble upon my writings and find some inspiration in it.

I never ever thought it possible that I would have followers who like my post every time I write.

So, I thank you ❤

I thank you with all my heart for proving to me that I am capable of so much more.

The year of 2023 is going to be a great year.

I have plans to start a new you tube channel and continue to grow and expand this website and blog.

I am in the middle of rebranding since Ive gone through massive life changes, and I have a more clear direction of how I can achieve my simple dream to inspire, to make someone laugh and to make sameone smile.

How much I changed by having purpose in my life

I am proud to say that I no longer feel fear of going outside.

I no longer have issues with creating a routine.

I sleep better

I eat healhier

I exersice.

I face my past fears and found that most of them are in the past now.

And I wouldnt have been able to do this, to achieve this, without my sense of purpose.

Being able to dream big gave me the strenght I needed to face and fight for a better and healthier tomorrow.

I still have a lot to fight through, a lot to work on and I will write about it every step of the way.

I will write about my stuggles, of my victories, of my failues, and everything I learn every step of the way.

Thank you for reading this post ❤

Never give up on your dreams, even if they seem to far out of reach.

May you have the best december morning, afternoon, evening, and may 2023 be the best year yet for you ❤

MissFaylyn out

The 3 Voices

Today I want to dive deeper into my own head.

To the voices I hear, and I am not talking about hearing voices, but how I talk to myself.

And to do this, I will start with a little story, to best explain it.

You all know by now, that I love my stories.

Lets begin

Faydra had a question and she needed it answered.

The only thing she could do was go into the deep forest, find the 3 wise men, and hope they would help her with the answer she desperately needed.

She was tired of lying awake at night.

Tired of thinking about the same question over and over and over again.

Was she ready for love?

She was standing right where the Forrest started.

Behind her a clear road back to the city.

Ahead of her the forest full of life.

Green leaves

Rays from the sun lighting up the entire forest, almost making it look magical.

Faydra took a step forward.

She felt the ground under her feet, small branches breaking under her shoes.

She started walking at a fast pace, confident that she would soon find the answer she needed.

Birds singing, it was a beautiful day.

Suddenly she heard a child laughing.

It was coming from behind that tree.

She stepped towards it, a first hesitantly, but then realised, could it be?

“Hello, are you the wise one I need?” Faydra asked in a confident voice

“Tihihihi…Heeeeeeey. Its so good to finally meet THE Faydra” The child answered and stepped forward, smiling from head to toe.

Faydra looked down shocked.

She was looking at herself as a child.

How could this be?

“Are you the one I am seeking to help me answer my question?”

“Yes of course I am, what can I help you with, oh Divine goddess of kindness, beauty, and intellect” the child answered

Faydra frowned. What was this?

A bit sceptic that she found the right one to help her, she asked her question.

“Oh wise little one, am I ready for love?”

The child giggled and a stream of words followed.

“Of course, you are, who wouldn’t want to be with such a beauty. Anyone would be lucky to have you. You are sooo amazing, so smart, so kind. You deserve the best, in fact you deserve a king, who can treat you like the goddess you are, and if someone doesn’t treat you well then, its their loss. You have always been ready for love, its just the ones you found weren’t deserving of you”

Faydra blushed, feeling the confident words wash over her.

It was nice, but also felt wrong.

Something was wrong

This was not the voice she was seeking.

The was the voice of confidence.

Nice in the present, but forever fleeting.

Faydra smiled and thanked the child version of herself.

Was she really this naïve as a child? Faydra pondered while walking through the forest again to find the other voice to help her in her quest for the truth.

So deep in thought Faydra didn’t notice the forest changing.

The forest turned darker and gloomier by the second.

The wind picked up, howling in the trees.

The sun no longer high in the sky.

It was night now.

Faydra snapped back into the present by wolfs howling in the distance.

Shivering she looked around in search for the next voice.

“Helllllooooo…. Anyoooone… there?”

Faydra felt fear creeping down her spine, anxiously waiting for an answer.

“WHAT THE F… ARE YOU DOING HERE”

Was that her own voice? So much anger so much hate, it couldn’t be?

“I am looking for ehm…someone to…… help me with my question, are you… the one? I just want to know… if I am… ready for love?”

Faydra wanted to run away so badly but couldn’t move her feet. She felt frozen, frozen in time, frozen in her own body, frozen by fear, and the hate surrounding the air.

She watched with fear when her darker side emerged from the forest. It was like looking into a mirror, but one of those twisted ones, because when she looked into her own eyes, she only saw hate in them.

The dark version of herself spoke

“PFFFF… you? Ready for love?”

“Why do you think you deserve love”

“You are so broken”

“So damaged”

“Who would want to be with you?“

“You disgust me“

“You will never be loved“

“You will end up alone“

“Die alone“

“You deserve nothing but pain and misery for eternity“You deserve nothing but pain and misery for eternity“

Tears rolled down Faydra’s cheeks.

In a stream she couldn’t control

Maybe this voice was right, maybe she was stupid to think that she could ever be ready for love.

Maybe she was too broken

Faydra had no idea how she managed to find the energy but suddenly she found herself running.

Running through the forest, still crying, her insides screaming at her, her heart broken by the answer

She kept running.

Until her breath left her and she fell down.

She curled into a ball and cried her heart out.

So deep into her own misery she hadn’t noticed she was deeper into the forest now, and someone was comforting her.

“There, there, Faydra, it will all be okay” an elderly voice spoke.

Faydra looked up, wiped her tears away and looked right into the eyes of an elderly woman.

A woman who looked a lot like herself.

Where she had only found hate in the last one’s eyes, there were only love here. Unconditional love

“How can it be okay; I will never be ready for love” Faydra surprised at her own words escaping her mouth.

“that’s not true Faydra, and you know this, deep inside, isn’t that true?” The elderly woman said with a smile on her lips, and loving empathetic eyes

“I guess, I wasn’t sure, that’s why I wanted to venture into this forest and find the help I needed. I’ve been having too many thoughts at night, debating heavily if I truly am ready or not. Can you help me?”

“Yes, I can but first I want to ask you a question” the elderly woman said, “Do you love yourself?”

Faydra surprised by this question but attempted to answer the woman as truthfully as she could.

“Yes, I do, I didn’t always, but I do now, I love the person I was, who I am today, every aspect of myself, unconditionally. The reason why I want love in my life again is not to fill a void like I used to need from love, but because I want to share my love with someone else, new experiences, just life in general”

The woman smiled at Faydra.

“There I think you just got your answer”

Faydra in shock said

“But what if I get hurt again, what if I make mistakes again, what if its too early, what if……”

The woman interrupted Faydra and spoke

“I know you are scared; I know you worry, but look at how far you have come, look at the lesson you were taught on the way. You have learned so much, grown so much, but in all that even when you felt heartbroken and sad in the past, you got up. You recovered and found joy again”

“No matter what happens, you will always be okay. Trust in that.”

“Remember you will always have the love for yourself inside.”

And just like that Faydra knew the answer to her question.

What was the point of this story?

You see, it’s the 3 voices I have in my head.

They are all me, my voice but all speaking to me in a different way.

The first voice is the voice of confidence.

The childlike but naïve cheerleader who thinks I can do no wrong and is perfect.

The voice that drives me forward when I need the boost, but is ever fleeting, and at times is too cheerful.

The second voice is the dark side of myself, the voice that used to rule me in my past, the voice of negative talk, the voice of fear, and the voice that is ruled by past bad experiences.

Then there is the last voice.

The voice of self-worth.

A voice of unconditional love, my teacher, my mentor, my best friend.

This is the voice I always turn to for questions in my life.

Questions I need answers too, or anytime I need help sorting out my thoughts.

It took many years to find the voice of self-worth.

So, in my past I only ever listened to the voice of confidence and the voice of self-doubt and hate, and by only having those 2 voices to guide me through my life, it felt like I was sitting in a rollercoaster.

Constantly going up or down.

I either felt good or really bad, and when I felt bad it took me ages to get myself up from that pit of despair.

Today I don’t just listen to the voice of self-worth.

I listen to them all.

Because they still teach me something meaningful.

The darker voice makes me realise my fears and self-doubts to a point where I realise it’s something I still have to work on.

The voice of confidence teaches me to stay grounded. That yes, I am amazing, but I cant be and won’t be every single day.

Sometimes I make mistakes, sometimes I’m human, and that’s fine.

The self-worth voice is my favourite.

Its my reminder to treat myself with care and love, it’s the voice that allows me too just be me.  

When I struggle with big questions in my life.

I pay attention to what these 3 voices inside my head tell me, I listen to the first two, but I only take the advice of the self-worth voice.

How I developed self- worth

I didn’t have this when I was younger.

Self-worth

It took years of growing this.

And it still takes practise and care to maintain this.

I learned that when you go within and hear your own thoughts.

That you have to imagine, a mother or a father.

Someone who loves you deeply.

What would they say to you?

Would they reprimand you?

Would they yell at you?

No

They would give you a hug and tell you it’s okay to feel or think the way you do.

They would give you unconditional love.

I had issues imagining a mother or a father doing this, so I had to turn it around and think at it this way.

What would I say to my own child?

And by saying what I would say to my own child, to myself, helped me grow my self-worth.

It helped me so much that I no longer feel myself either being up or down. I can maintain a healthy balance

So, when life throws me a curveball and I feel insecure or bad about something.

I can get up and go again, with a smile on my lips.

Just like a child would when they scrape a knee and after a loving parent gave them a hug and a few loving words.  

I hope you enjoyed the short story, and that I explained the 3 voices in a way that has meaning.

May your day be great with Sunshine, Laughter and Love ❤

MissFaylyn out

Overcoming My Fear of Exercise

My friend texted me

“You want to join me in the gym today”

At first, I felt excitement.

I had just joined the gym, but never actually been there yet.

But then I started feeling a sense of dread.

“What if I start hyperventilating again?” I thought

My experience in the past when I used to exercise was filled with bad memories.

Memories of a time with PTSD and hyperventilating at any physical activities.

Then years followed with inactivity.

I used to love running, but even that I stopped, and got used to a sedentary life.

A life sitting in a chair.

The last few months Id been starting to do more.

I started to walk for longer periods of time.

10000 steps every day, which I had been religiously following the last 3 months.

And I felt myself getting stronger, and with that a feeling of pride.

Pride that I am getting stronger and healthier.

At times I would do a small workout at home, following a random You Tube video, but I felt a need to do more.

I started to remember my love for exercise.

The love I had left in my past, and never in my wildest dreams thought I could do again, with a positive experience.

My curiosity won over my fear in the end, and at the start of the month I had bought myself a gym membership.

And every day since then I attempted to build up the courage I needed to actually go down and exercise.

But I kept postponing.

I was worried, I felt anxious.

I had no idea how it would be like.

What if I started hyperventilating again?

What If I got a panic attack?

What if I broke the machines?

What if

What If

The brain is a funny thing sometimes.

When I got that message from my friend, I knew it was time to do just do and don’t think.

So, I wrote him back that I could be ready to meet him within an hour.

I quickly showered and took the train downtown.

And soon I found myself standing outside the gym.

I felt myself shaking a little and being a bit nervous.

But the presence of my friend, helped calm me down.

He was so supportive

He showed me the locker room, and I went in to hang my jacket.

Before I met him upstairs.

I found myself sitting in the locker room, having a hard time believing I was actually doing it.

I was actually here.

And soon I would be up there and face the fear I had for years.

I sat there for a while.

Thinking about my past, thinking of my decision to overcome this fear, and while I still felt nervous, I also started feeling more excited.

I was here.

I got up and walked upstairs.

Confident in my steps, and excitement running through my body.

It was time

We went over to the running machine

Very high tech and it looked a little intimidating.

I got pictures in my head of the movie clips where someone is running on them but tripping and sliding down with high speed.

I laughed a little, that wouldn’t be me today, I would make sure to be careful.

And my friend was a good teacher.

I started walking, at first at the lowest setting but then found myself continuously pressing the speed button.

I loved the feeling, and I started smiling.

For the next 2 hours I tried every machine in the building.

And it felt great.

I had no idea how to use any of them in the beginning, but my friend showed me how, and made sure to put the right weights on, and that I was comfortable.

I felt muscles that hadn’t been moved in years, I felt muscles I didn’t even knew I had, and I loved the feeling of it.

I loved feeling the burn, and the slight tickle in my muscles.

I found myself smiling and laughing.

The feeling of dread, the anxiety, even the memories from my past completely gone.

I knew it helped my friend being here, to support me, and guide me through this, and I felt extremely grateful and lucky to have him here.

I walked out of the gym feeling ecstatic, and really proud of myself.

I had done it, after years of dreading going to the gym, exercising again, I was now here.

And not just having done it but discovering my love for it again.

It proves to me that time heals every wound.

And that every bad experience and memory can be turned into positive ones eventually.

I can’t wait to go down to the gym again, and exercise more regularly.

I can’t wait to start running again in spring.  

I can’t wait to try other things that I have had bad experiences with.

My past no longer rules me, and I feel freer, than I have felt in years.

The reason why exercising filled me with so much dread.

When I was 18, I got PTSD, from a horrible childhood.

My nightmares consisted of me running away from my foster father who had been the cause of my trauma.

For an entire year I had the same dream.

And I think having that nightmare, was the cause of my panic attacks and finding myself hyperventilating when I attempted any physical activity.

It turned something I used to love into something that filled me with a lot of dread.

It left me feeling powerless off my own body and filled me with frustration.

So, for years I avoided anything that got my pulse up, in fear of how I would react to it.

Until last night…

I woke up this morning with sore muscles and found myself smiling.

Smiling that I overcame this fear

Smiling that I had the best time with my friend in the gym.

I realised that everything changes with time, and I feel like for the first time that I can do anything.

Fear no longer rules me.

I got this

And I can’t wait to start building muscles.

To feel stronger

To feel healthier

To be able to run again, wind in my hair.

To do sit-ups, which I haven’t been able to do since I was a teenager.

There is hope. If you have a fear that you haven’t been able to overcome, there is hope that eventually that fear will change into a good experience. I truly believe this now

I will eventually write a longer post of my fitness and health journey, but wanted to write a little post of my first time in a gym since I was a teenager.

I hope you enjoyed this small read today and I will be back eventually to write more.

Ive been busy, living life, and I have found myself struggeling to find inspiration, but I have a lot of future posts planned ❤

so until then have a beautiful day, morning evening and night ❤

MissFaylyn out..

The Reason why I escaped into the World of Online Gaming

I’ve been thinking a lot about the reason why I chose to live half my life in the virtual gaming world, instead of living in the real world.

And I think to really emphasise what happened back then Ill start with a story.

What I will share today is something I’ve been ashamed of for years, a side of me that I wanted to stay hidden until today. Its time to speak out…

24 year old me after a night out

“Enough”

“I can’t take it anymore”.

“I hate who I am becoming”

Fay yelled out in frustration in her head.

For years she had been partying hard.

Too much alcohol, for too long.

Too many guys, to many hearts broken.

Too many embarrassing moments, where she had found herself sleeping in the gutters of the street, vomiting in her friends sink after she had embarrassed herself by dancing half naked on his table.

She still felt herself shaking.

Shaking because she craved alcohol.

She still craved that sweet escape from her thoughts and emotions.

When she was out drinking, everything went away.

Every bad thought

Every bad memory

Every overwhelming emotion got dulled out, she felt the sweet embrace of feeling numb for a while.

She felt herself just being happy, free.

But she had gotten too far.

So much so that she hardly recognised herself anymore.

She had been drinking almost every day, and she had reached the point when she woke up hungover, she didn’t feel joy over the evening before.

She only felt shame

Embarrassment.

She had woken up to a guy she couldn’t remember the name of, he looked at her adoringly, but she only felt guilt.

She remembered he was a sweet guy, caring, and seemed to genuinely like her.

But she knew she couldn’t give him what he wanted.

A relationship

She had gone home with him to forget, to live on the high, to escape the inner turmoil of her emotions and thoughts.

Her past still followed her.

Haunted her at night, in the morning, in the evening.

And the only thing that had helped drive the ghost of her past away, was alcohol, and live the high life.

To dance it away

To kiss a new guy at night.

To talk to strangers, and party all night long.

But she was tired now.

She knew she needed to find another escape from her thoughts.

Something healthier.

It was only a few months ago since her suicide attempt

The embarrassing night where she had found herself laying down in the middle of the street, in hopes someone would run her over with a car.

She didn’t really want to die, but every day the ghosts from her past, always caught up with her, and wrapped her mind in darkness.

Where she only felt pain, despair, and hopelessness.

She had no idea how to chase the ghosts away

She had no idea how to feel happy, to have hope for the future.

Every day felt like survival.

Every hour every minute, was just her trying to get through another breath.

That’s why she needed the high.

To make her life an eternal party.

With alcohol, music so loud she couldn’t think, and to feel a strangers embrace.

It was all to make her forget.

Forget the mess of her life.

To forget her lost dreams.

To forget her past

To forget her pain.

But she couldn’t go on like this anymore.

She hated who she was.

She hated how much it affected the people in her life.

How it affected the strangers she brought home.

She still remembered the guy, her friend, who had fallen in love with her, after she had kissed him one night.

He had written her the sweetest love letter.

When she had read it, she had cried. It was so beautiful so sweet, so filled with emotions.

And she felt so guilty and so ashamed when she had to turn him down.

She had no room for love in her life.

Not when she felt so broken by her past.

She was only trying to survive.

Now it was time to break away from this life and find something else.

Something healthier, something that could bring her the sweet forgetfulness she needed, but without becoming an alcoholic, without breaking people’s hearts, without her feeling a constant feeling of shame, and guilt every day.

A month later she started playing World of Warcraft a MMORPG game.

and for 14 years she played it every day

She had finally found the sweet escape she needed.

An escape that would drive her ghosts away, without her feeling any shame of guilt, and she slowly learned in the years to come, to love herself again.

To love who she had become instead, even though it drove her away from reality, she found herself in the virtual.

She found her strength, her drive, her motivation for life, and most importantly she found connection, love friendship.

From when I was around 18 to 24 years old, I lived with a constant battle inside myself.

I was suffering from PTSD, and other personality disorders, anxiety, depression, and I found an escape from all that in alcohol.

I found an escape in going out almost every night.

I found myself being a regular in town, and I was very close to becoming an alcoholic.

I knew it was time to quit, because I didn’t like who I was becoming in order to escape my own inner turmoil.

I knew there had to be another way, to live a better way.

My own thoughts and emotions where too overwhelming to try and unwrap and deal with, so I knew I had to find another escape, something that made me forget a little.

Because at the time, I needed it.

I had no idea how to heal from my past.

I did have professionals I talked to at the time, but I didn’t feel like it helped.

I couldn’t express to them how I was really feeling, and I didn’t really want too either.

So, I pretended I was okay, that I was happier than I was, stronger than I was, even though I felt more broken and depressed by the day.

When I started gaming my inner turmoil went away a little. I managed to forget and just be in the moment when I needed it.

And slowly over the years to come, I managed to slowly unwrap the emotions I hid in my box and learned to slowly deal with it day by day.

I learned to feel a flicker of hope again for my future.

I learned to love myself again

I had so much free time, so I could dive deeper into myself and learn about my shadow sides, and who I was and what I wanted in life.

The many years I spent gaming it gave me the time to fully heal from my past, to gain clarity and insight into myself.

I found myself reading about psychology and learned to use some of the tools I picked up so I could process my past in a healthier way.

So even though I ended up secluding myself from life outside of gaming, I am thankful that I had that time to heal.

I am proud of myself that I managed to escape the high life, the endless partying, when I realised it was more negative than it was good for me.

It was a hard decision because it did feel good, being out, but I also saw the damage it did to me.

Escaping my past wasn’t a way to continuously live.

I knew I had to eventually deal with my past, but I also knew I had to heal a lot of scars, I knew it would take time, and it helped taking it in small steps.

I am today 37 Years old, and I am still unwrapping my past slowly, and healing from it.

I have come a long way, and I am grateful that my years of being in the vitual gave me the time I needed to slowly mend and self reflect.

Now its time for me to break free from the vitual and get back to living in reality.

I still go out partying, but this time around when I wake up in the morning, I dont have hangovers, and I find myself smiling.

Smiling because I had a great evening with friends, where I can just dance and be in the moment, and embrace life in a healthier way.

I learned so much about myself that I can enjoy a night out without the need to escape anymore.

I still play online games, but I have learned that balance in everything is important.

Balance how much I play online games, that I also have time to be out in the real world.

Balance how much I party when I am out, and, for the right reasons, to have fun, not as an escape.

Ive learned that for me, I really needed an escape from thoughts and emotions when I was 20+ but alcohol wasnt the right escape.

Gaming felt healtier, because I gave myself the time and space to slowly unwrap when I felt ready for it. Slow tiny steps, but atleast I was at home, in a safe space.

I didnt have to deal with the constant feeling of shame and guilt, I felt when I was partying a little too hard.

It wasnt all bad, but Ive learned everything in life if you overdo it and for the wrong reasons, wont be a healthy aproach to it. Its all about balance, and moderation ive learned over the years.

Gaming saved me from myself, from my destructive path I was on, and I am forever grateful I made that decision to live so many years in the virtual, but im also grateful that I am living in the outside again.

That I can go out and have fun in a healthier way now.

so many years after.

This is the first time I feel ready to share this old side of myself.

It taught me a lot being out when I was 20 but I also felt so much shame and guilt for this lifestyle, but im thankful of the leassons it gave me, realising my shadow sides has helped me know myself better. Realising what is healthy and what is destructive.

I hope with this post to shine a light that sometimes when we feel we have to escape too many thoughts and emotions, that we can find a healthier way to do this.

A way that dosnt add to the negative, but instead gives us the peace and calm we crave to handle the emotions and thoughts in a safe space, in our own time.

Sometimes a little escape can be needed, especially if there is a lot of scars to heal.

and its okay to take small steps, to do it in your own time.

Thats what I learned from my own escape.

I hope you have a peaceful and calm day, with joy, happiness and a lot of laughter ❤

MissFaylyn out

Welcome To my Head…

This is going to be a different post then I normally do.

This post I plan to make a future series off.

It’s about the thoughts and feelings roaming around in my head and body.

I at times have to write a mind dumb as a call it, so I both get it out there on paper, away from my mind, and also be able to reflect on how to approach all these feelings and thoughts that get a little too overwhelming.

Why am I sharing this?

Because you might also have these moments where you just feel so overwhelmed and you cant stop the thoughts and you feel like you are the only one.

Welcome to my head.

How I do I feel.

Anger.

Anger rising in my chest.

Clouds my head, can’t decipher my thoughts and feelings.

Too many, too much.

I just feel like screaming and screaming to never stop again.

Arrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhh………… Not loud enough, needs to be louder. LOUDER!

Let out the anger like the gas in a tank, or the air in a balloon about to burst. Let it out.

Music helps, angry heavy metal music. Keeps me calm so I don’t shout or hit my table.  

Why am I angry?

At myself because I feel powerless.

The silence around me is too deafening. I feel forced to stay silent, and I don’t want to stay silent, but if I don’t, I cause a riot.

I am angry because I can’t decide.

Too many choices, too much fun, beauty, possibilities.

Endless possibilities.

Which door do I pick?

What should I commit too when I feel like committing to everything.

But I can’t commit to everything.

I have to choose.

Chose, Choooose, CHOOOOSEEE.

I am angry at the world.

War, pain, anger, a lot of hurt around me.

In the news, on the streets, among people I care for, I want to heal, I want to give hugs, I want to help, but I’m powerless. I can only watch and try to smile, send a little light out and hope it’s noticed.

I just wish I could help.

I can’t get through the walls even though I’m out here banging on the door.

I’m angry that we all have walls, walls that are in the first built because of too much hurt.

We shouldn’t need walls, but strength isn’t valued by compassion and emotions, its valued by showing a front, a mask, and I see masks everywhere.

People in the streets, the news, sometimes my own family, sometimes I wear one too.

Why?

This makes me angry.

We are all human and its okay to be human, to cry, to feel, to rage, to be in pain, to be sad.

Sadness.

I feel it in my heart, and in my throat.

Like a small lump struggling to surface.

Too scared to come out

I try to coach it with music, I try to welcome it out, to release it.

But its stubborn today, it doesn’t want to move.

I don’t understand why I feel this sadness.

Why is it here?

I have nothing to feel sad about

Or do I?

Is my sadness or is it my empathy being annoying again.

I think its both.

I’m sad because I see sadness around me. Hidden among strangers, in people’s stories, in the news.

I feel sad because I’ve changed.

Not because I changed, but I see things clearer now.

I see the lonely girl siting in the chair, not realising she was sad.

I see years wasted on fear, and I feel regret.

I see a lot of endings, and I feel those endings still.

Friendships long gone; past possibilities too scared to take.

I have to put the past behind me, and move forward, but I still feel the sadness from the past, how can I deal with this?

Music helps, the lump moves more freely now to the surface.

Tears on my cheek, the lump feels smaller…

I remember the song of love I heard the other day.

The song that somehow made me cry, not because I was sad but because I felt love.

I remember that feeling and I sense hope.

Connection is still out there, so close but yet still so far away.

I am no longer the lonely girl sitting in my chair, I changed.

I feel love.

I feel it in the air, I feel it in the tree leaves, the ground beneath my feet when I walk, the sunrays on my skin.

In the double rainbow, in the squirrel in the tree, in the friendly hug from a dear friend, in the smile of a stranger, in the green eyes staring at me.

I feel it in my chest, like a warm blanket.

It makes my heart swell to double the size.

I didn’t know it could be this big.

I feel too open, too exposed, to much in my feelings.

I am not used to feeling love this powerful, this pure.

It feels like safety, comfort, beauty, in a million colours, so so pure.

It makes me smile.

My cheeks hurt from all this smiling.

I’ve been smiling for months now, is this natural? Like not just smiling because you feel happy, but the smile, where you feel like you can fly, like you can walk on water, like nothing can touch you, you radiate light and love constantly because this smile is so strong.

Its what love really feels like, and its all around me.

In nature, in the people I meet, inside myself. So strong so pure, so invincible, with deep roots planted inside my heart.

I feel fear.

What if…

I lose the things I gained.

What if I am too much

Too happy?

Too helpful?

Too caring?

It’s the first time I have no walls up, where I am 100 % myself, and let myself express myself.

I act on what I think and feel for the first time in a long time. Not ruled by fear, and then yet I can’t stop fearing if I am too much for people I care about.

Have I done something wrong?

Should I put a lid on some of myself?

Should I put up some of my walls?

I don’t want to

 It feels good being free and open, but what if I hurt, what if I overcloud, what if I leave no room for others around me, with my eccentric wild spirit.

Am I being too loving?

Is too much love a bad thing?

Do I care too much?

Is caring a bad thing?

I still remember people telling me this over my lifetime, and I never understood this.

How can you care too much?

Sharing my heart with others, in everything I do, makes me feel fulfilled, it makes my heart feel full.

I am addicted to watching the smiles and joy of others around me.

To see eyes light up with love, and joy.

I feel fear of losing what I have, because of the silence.

Of the unknown, of the mystery, of things never being said.

I feel it at the back up my head, like a thought that don’t want to go away.

The what ifs.

I know if I lose, I can gain again, and that I will be okay, but when you care, and love, you don’t want to lose. Not again, not yet.

I’ve already lost so much.

The dark thoughts talking.

Maybe the change in your life was just a phase.

Maybe you are destined to always try and fail, and never succeed.

Maybe you are destined to learn about pain for an eternity.

You are not enough

You are too sensitive

Tick tock, you already wasted half your life.

By playing it safe but being crippled by a fear that was all in your head.

Who do you think you are?

You are not special; you are not different.

You are just a little girl still, struggling to grow up.

You don’t matter.

You deserve the lonely.

Hey hey hey Fay!

Enough, you know that’s not true…

Positive self-loving thoughts talking

Fay, it’s okay to feel a lot right now.

A lot has changed and is still changing.

I am so proud of you, despite feeling a lot lately, and in the extremes, that you have managed to get up, go for walks and keep moving forward. I am so proud of you.

You are working hard for change, but you also need to give yourself a little break.

A break to breathe, a break to just feel those feelings, release them a little.

I have all the faith and love for you in the world.

You know I love you with all my heart. I will always be there for you; I will always be there to hold your hand.

You are so loved.

Loved by your family, your friends.

You got this girl.

You are so strong.

Yes, you feel, and wear your emotions on your sleeve, but even despite all the hurt in your past, you never ever closed that beautiful heart of yours.

It remained open, and you do all you can to share this beautiful heart with the world, and now yourself too.

Even when you don’t feel like you are moving forward, I have seen time and time again, that you moved miles.

When the night is dark you still feel that light in your heart, you still feel the love, you still see the beauty in the simplest of things.

This is your rare gift.

Its okay to feel overwhelmed

Its okay to feel human

Its okay to feel it all

Its okay to break down from time to time

But I have all the faith in the world that you will get far.

Just be that beautiful self.

Us humans aren’t alike, we all shine bright in our own unique way, all different, all special, and all loved.

Like a million colours shining up the bright sky, like every leaf looks the same, but is different.

We are never alone, even when we feel alone.

The smile from a stranger in the streets, is proof that you are never alone.

You got this girl.

Welcome to my head 😊

Yes, I feel a little overwhelmed at the moment, with a lot of thoughts and emotions in my head.

This always happens when there is a lot that’s changing, but its also a signal for me to slow down and feel.

Let it out, think it out loud.

So, what have I learned from this mind dump?

I have learned that my mind is struggling a little with the past.

I’ve been rewiring a lot of my old habits and thought patterns, but some of my old habits still try to cling on to the new.

I know this is normal, and I try to feel it and think it. Shine some light into this so I can reflect and feel what it really does to me.

And surprisingly I feel relief.

I am smiling right now after this mind dumb.

I know I am okay; I am on my way to a better version of my future; I am closing in on my dreams.

Taking that first step I needed, not ruled by the same fear anymore.

Its still there, but my self-loving voice is my guiding light.

It gives me the safety and comfort to feel and think, but also provides me with warmth and love.

How do I deal with all these emotions?

Listening to Music and writing down how I feel.

Walking outside in nature, and sometimes I dance.

It helps me feel what I need to feel, and to deal with my thoughts.

The reason why I call it a mind dumb, is when a feeling isn’t addressed and grows, and there is a lot of them, they feel a little too overwhelming.

And when it gets this far, I have to sit down, take a few days, and feel them through, so I can get into balance again.

Even though I feel this much at the moment I still manage to take a break from my emotions when I have too, and be able to function in the world, and I am endlessly proud of myself for that.

In the past I couldn’t do that, but by allowing myself to not fight my extreme emotions anymore, but address them, be open about them and release them in a safe space, with my music, I feel so much more emotionally healthy and balanced.

I still need some down time, take a pause and then tomorrow be my normal balanced self again.

I will write more of these mind dumps from time to time.

So, I can reflect on them myself when time goes by, but also in hopes that my letting you all into my head maybe you can take away that sometimes our head and hearts feel so full and overflowing with emotions and thoughts, and that’s okay.

But its just as important to think it, to feel it and to reflect, release and take a break if needed, so you can keep moving forward on that beautiful path of yours in life.

It’s important to remember we are humans, and its okay to have a day of emotions running wild.

I hope you have a beautiful morning, day, evening, night.

Missfaylyn out

The Seasons of Life

Life is a beautiful thing, but it can also be one’s personal hell, but what if you find yourself feeling scared of the beautiful and instead find yourself thriving in hell?

The Tree That Inspired me

On my way home from my group meeting I saw this tree.

A few months ago, this was in full bloom.

Leaves covering every branch and some of the branches bearing fruit.

Beautiful red apples.

The leaves now had the colours of fall, red, yellow, but most of them now on the ground.

One side of the tree almost barren, and to me it looked like the beautiful tree was trying so desperately to hold on to the apples.

The fruit it had grown from scratch, nurtured, loved, care for.

These apples would soon fall to the ground, and the tree would be in the season of winter.

Barren, cold, empty.

When I saw this tree, it made me think of something, something I now see more clearly from a different perspective,

You see I’ve been this tree.

To me it looked like this tree was clinging so desperately to keep its leaves and its apples. Knowing that soon, it would be barren, cold, empty in the soon to come cold winter nights.

I have always been so desperately afraid of being happy for an extended period of time, especially If I would grow new fruit that I didn’t want to lose.

Friendships, relationships or when I started new projects, work, school.

I was scared, because I now felt like I had something to lose, and lose I always did.

Over the years of my life, since I can remember, I’ve lost a lot, and every time it felt like I lost more than the previous time.

Because of this feeling, I always felt a tinge of panic, when I had a great summer in my life.

Where everything just fit into place, and I started growing and blooming and growing new fruit.

Finding love, friendships, connections it could be anything.

I felt the fear, because I knew by instinct and experience that eventually I would lose this.

And I think because of this fear, I created my walls, I withdrew instead of having faith that I would be okay.

Because of this fear, I almost willingly self-sabotage everything I had gained.

By being in my eternal winter, it felt safer.

By being the barren cold tree, I couldn’t lose anything, because I had nothing to lose.

Pain, loneliness, anger, sadness was my constant companion and a familiar friend.

Being in love, feeling happy, proud, confident filled me with desperation and fear and even though it was a nice feeling to experience, especially after having been in the dark of winter for so long, it was an unwelcome friend, because this I knew would eventually bring me to my knees again, feeling empty.

I used to compare my life to the seasons.

I knew when I was in summer, and I knew when it started to be fall, and I felt the embrace of the cold of winter approaching.

Spring always felt like renewed hope, and for this reason it’s still my favourite season, but especially my mental favourite season

Feeling hopeful again was always a nice feeling to have, especially since it felt like an innocent feeling.

It wasn’t there to harm me; it instead was there to motivate and inspire me that things could be better.

In my 30’ies Something Shifted

Over the years after my 30th birthday, I started to have less winters in my life, and my summer period would last longer, so it was easier to open up, have faith that everything would be okay, and I wouldn’t necessarily lose all that I had gained.

Some friendships remained, even through the dead of winter.

Some projects and hobbies still filled me with inspiration when I was in the dark and brought with it a little bit of light into my life.

Because of this I slowly shifted my view away from feeling eternally cursed, to live a life a queen of winter and in my own personal hell.

Today I realised this fear, this desperation is gone.

And it’s a weird feeling.

Realising its missing.

I think I finally understand.

Yes, I might lose everything I’ve gained today. My tree in full bloom, might lose its leaves and its fruit, I might be an empty cold tree again, but that’s okay.

Because I know that it will be spring again, and I just pick myself up and move towards that light again.

I understand now that when you lose something beautiful in your life, its not a bad thing. It happens.

It’s a good thing that I had it in my life in the first place. The memories I got, the feeling of joy, love, happiness, fulfilment, and connection.

I appreciate the beauty of it all now, I don’t fear it anymore.

I also realised that everything in my life has taught me important lessons.

The dark taught me strength, and endurance.

The light taught me to hope, and to keep an open heart. To have faith and trust.

It taught me self-love, and the feeling of being confident, and so much more.

I am not scared of losing anything anymore, because if I could gain it in the first place, I can gain it again.

I also realised that even though I felt empty barren cold, in the dead of winter, that I wasn’t those things.

I hadn’t lost everything.

I still had myself.

I still had my family

I still had hope, even the smallest flicker of it.

Growing in selflove has been the reason why I don’t feel that fear anymore.

I know that I will never ever lose myself.

I will always love myself, be my best friend, me my biggest support system, and my own teacher, I will always be okay.

And that lights up the darkness in places I never thought possible.

It’s the fall season, and I am proud to say that with winter coming soon, I am smiling.

For the first time in many years, I look forward to the winter season, because I always carry summer in my heart now.

I have a lifetime of memories in my heart of every summer in my life, and you see its worth embracing as a true and dear friend. Just like I would embrace winter, summer now walks hand in hand with me as well.

I have balanced the seasons in myself, and I just let life happen.

I can’t control life and what happens in it, but I can control how I deal with everything that comes my way, I can control my own emotions and thoughts, and I can control giving myself the time and rest I need when its downhill, and the self-love I daily practise.

Have a beautiful October day…

MissFaylyn out

99 % time spent in my room for the last 15 years.

My room when I moved in to it. I got used to living in a small space, and living more online then in the actual world

For 15 years I spent around 99 % of my life in one room, and I had no idea of this long-term affect on me.

I had no idea of how lonely I felt, I had no idea that it would cause a lot of anxiety and a lot of inner turmoil until this happened.

Story time.

It was time to see my mentor again.

I meet up with him weekly at my place, to talk about my wellbeing.

I proudly showed him what I had been up to this week, the videos I created, my work on my new schedule for the month.

Until he said

“Fay I want to talk to you about this group I think you should attend.“

“It’s a group I think you would be happy in”.

“It’s a place where you can meet likeminded people and do fun things together.”

I instantly felt a tinge of panic.

A group, out there in the world again?

What ifs started to penetrate my mind, and a chill ran down my spine, but then something strange happened.

I also felt curiosity.

I knew I had lived almost half my life surrounded by the same walls, and I knew I had some valid reasons for this, but having lived this way, I also realised the last few years, I had felt the hollow feeling in my chest.

Of something missing in my life.

I felt an overwhelming amount of loneliness.

I craved connection and meaningful interactions.

I had attempted to fill this void online, in my gaming communities, and for years yes It satisfied it, but what I was starting to miss was the hugs.

Looking into a friend’s eyes, and just being in the same room again, I couldn’t remember that feeling.

That’s when I knew I had to do what I normally wouldn’t and say yes, rather than too quickly say I can’t.

Over the next few days, I felt scared, anxious, but also started to feel thrilled, curious, excitement, and I knew that it was time.

Time to be brave, to put my past experiences behind me, and live a little uncomfortably again.

And I will never regret this decision.

For 15 years I’ve been living isolated in my room.

Isolated from the world around me

Avoiding going outside.

I buried myself inside the world of online gaming and I felt comfortable for years.

I experienced a lot of great things doing this.

I developed friendships across countries.

I had long distance relationships

I learned a lot.

But…

I never realised until today how living this way affected my mental health and my psychical health negatively.

Why did I choose isolation in the first place?

When I was around the 24 years old, I was a completely different person that I am today.

I had a lot of past traumas that wasn’t healed.

My mental health wasn’t great.

I didn’t have self-worth

I was out partying every chance I got, to drink myself into oblivion and numbness most of the time.

I did a lot of things I wasn’t proud of, and one day it all became too much.

Life became too hard, and I needed a break.

So, I started to game, and I played religiously every single day.

I lost contact with all my friends but gained new friends online.

I stopped believing I could work for a living because of my mental health, so instead I found purpose and meaning in the online game I played, where I constantly worked on my gaming skills.

I felt this was the only thing I could achieve in life, to be a great gamer.

I started to go out less and less, and the years went by.

In the beginning I felt shame for playing so much.

It was hard to tell my old friends why I didn’t go out more, but the more time passed, the harder it became going outside my door.

I felt worthless in the real world but felt different in the online world.

In the virtual I felt stronger, braver, I was socialising, I was having fun.

Then 3 years ago, something happened to me.

I started to feel purpose in life again.

I started to dream about my future

I started to see myself in another light.

I started blogging and making my videos on you tube.

I no longer felt worthless.

My self-worth I’ve been working on since I was 30, and I can finally say that I have grown my tree.

My tree being my self-worth.

I have tended and nurtured it and given it unconditional love.

A love that I never gave myself when I was younger.

I felt more confident and balanced, but something was missing, and I couldn’t place what it was.

I started to feel lonelier.

The same feeling, I used to get playing online wasn’t enough for me anymore.

I craved more connection.

I had noticed that I had issues going out.

That I still felt anxious and too overwhelmed.

I hated going outside my door because I felt so uncomfortable all the time.

I always just told myself I chose to be at home, that it made me happy, and I needed the alone time.

I was just a full-time gamer and lived a different life than others.

But in my heart, I felt the empty.

In my chest that hollow feeling.

I felt my desperation when I talked to a new person online, and then the disappointment when it didn’t give me the connection I needed.

My view on the world outside was all messed up.

I at the time saw the world being too uncomfortable, too cold.

I hated my own country for years, and eagerly wanted to forget the language.

My teenage and young adult years had been nothing but pain, anger, and alcohol, and I didn’t have many good memories.

So, of cause my view on the outside brought me a sense of fear and discomfort.

Before I talked to my mentor, I knew I had to change my life.

I now had a clear direction of what I wanted my future to look like.

I wanted to make videos, write, make my own business one day.

And I knew I had to get used to socialising more.

Maybe even start traveling one day.

So, my motivation to get out there again, away from my room and into the world, was to further my dreams.

But I never realised how much this decision changed me until day.

Picture I have taken outside walking with my new friends 🙂

I see clearly now.

I see what I was missing.

I see the damages to my mental health that I stayed so isolated for so many years.

I’ve also learned so much about myself that I never thought was possible.

Going from hating my own country, feeling this overwhelming loneliness every day, and being anxious and stressed going to the shops for groceries.

I now feel alive for the first time in a decade, and a newfound pride for my city and my country.

I feel I am 20 again, and the world around me lighting up.

My heart is so full, that I found myself dancing on the train station platform before I went to my group meeting today.

Going from only seeing the virtual world and my room, to then go out in nature, hang out with my new friends at a café, my life feels like magic.

I see beauty and life everywhere.

I feel connected and in balance.

And I now see so clearly that what I thought for so many years was a great life, really was a starved life.

I feel more connected to the world around me, appreciating the magical moments like this bird about to take flight

Starved from human connection, and new experiences.

I’ve realised more than ever, that just because something feels new and scary that it isn’t worth trying.

Yes, it might be a bad experience, but it might also change your life into something better, something more beautiful.

I am a changed woman, and I have promised myself from this day forward, to always try new things, before I judge, before I so eagerly say no, before I avoid.

And I’ve realised why we really need human connection.

What this does to your life, wellbeing both physical and mental health.

By getting a feel of connection again, I have healed more scars, overcome more fears in 3 months then I have by living isolated in my room trying to avoid life.

I’ve realised we need new experiences to grow, to feel a sense of happiness, a sense of purpose.

But most of all we all really need more hugs in our lives.  

Overthinking…Observant…(H)onesty

Ill work on a better picture later, but how being too observant can lead to too many clouds of thoughs in my head.

I have a habit of overthinking, and today I realised one of the reasons.

This is something to do with me being a highly sensitive person.

One of those things I never understood and why I think it’s because of this sensitivity trait I have.

I had one of those light bulb moments today

So yes, I am a highly sensitive person, a highly sensitive person is described as being very observant.

To me it doesn’t feel different then what I find natural.

I see what I see, and I feel what I feel, and all I could ever do to figure out if this was normal or not is compare with people around me.

I’ve always been told I’m very observant.

I notice subtleties in my surroundings, and I especially notice body langue and tone of voice.

 It’s a nice trait to have, but it can also feel like I’m overstepping an invisible boundary at times.

I often describe this as intuition, but I think more and more its just me noticing the subtleties.

So, what does this have to do with overthinking?

Well, you see, let me tell you one of my memories of one of the times I felt I was overstepping a boundary a little bit.

I was talking to one of my best friends on the discord app.

We talked for hours and mostly about being single.

Until suddenly I burst out saying “how do you feel about crushing on Peter?”

My friend was stunned and said “What…. Crushing on peter?”

I replied a little hesitantly

“Ehm… you have a crush on peter? Or am I wrong?”

She laughed and after a while said “Oh S…. I think I do; I haven’t noticed until you just told me”

I can tell you it was a little awkward telling my friend that she was crushing on a friend before she even noticed herself that she felt that way.

I have always been very quick to pick up others’ emotions, and sometimes this can feel a little like I’m overstepping a boundary.

I can’t unsee what I see, but sometimes I really wish I can.

Sometimes I’m more observant than other times, and I pick up emotions like stress, emotional pain, insecurities, and with a good friend I try to ask into it carefully, but I’ve also noticed often then other times, that people don’t like talking about everything, so I stay quiet, and try not to be too observant of these small things.

But sometimes its hard.

I end up walking home with these thoughts and worries.

A feeling like I’m carrying home their emotions, and I can’t act or show support for something I haven’t been told.

Or can I?

This is the time I start to overthink.

Should I act or should I stay quiet and pretend I don’t know anything, until they feel like sharing.

What’s even more frustrating at times, is when I pick up something people intentionally keep hidden from me.

Like I have my annoying days, where I get a little too hyper and high energy, and this can be a little annoying for my friends who sometimes need a little bit of calm.

If I feel overwhelmed at times, I always end up being super high energy until I can be alone for a moment, so at times its just how I deal with the feeling of overwhelm.

But when I sense I am annoying and they don’t say it or act it, I can get a little frustrated that no one says anything.

And I know why no one does.

Its because of the same reason I find it hard to share everything I think and feel.

At times, you don’t want to hurt the other persons feelings.

Even though I do the same, I wish sometimes that honesty would just be the natural go to.

Because brutal honesty helps with my overthinking a great deal.

If I sense frustration or annoyance, it’s harder for me to shake that feeling, I pick up, and I overthink every scenario possible of why I feel this way, and why no one tells me.

With my closest friends, they have been great at just telling me how they feel or think, because they know how I can go into overdrive at times.

They know that I would rather have the brutal straight up truth then end up overthinking something for days at a time.

Even if it’s a truth that at times hurts.

But honesty is rare, I have realised, and I don’t think I would need as much if it wasn’t for my observant trait.  Heightened intuition or what you want to call it.

At times I have to live with never knowing or finding out why I felt the emotions from people around me, why their body language said one thing and what they said another thing.

So, when this is the case, I have to just accept not knowing anything, and pretend I know nothing, and this is definitely a balancing act for me.

So back to the light bulb Moment I had today.

I finally think I understand why I overthink so much.

It’s the observing trait.

Lately I have been out a lot more then I usual am, and I notice subtleties all around me.

I sense what I call my intuition pretty strongly, and everything I’ve been picking up for weeks and noticed, I got confirmed.

So, its not just in my head, I do pick up things by observing more.

Before I understood the highly sensitive trait, I literally just thought I as going a bit crazy sometimes.

But now that I understand it better, I can work on this feeling so I can stop the overthinking and go into overdrive sometimes.

I realised I need to have the thought, the feeling and just let it go.

Let it wash over me like a wave, instead of putting too much energy in it.

Because even though I would love the world walking up tomorrow and just constantly saying what they feel or think, I also know that not everyone needs that same kind of honesty from everyone all the time.

So, it’s up to me, to learn to just have patience and sometimes learn how to let go.

Being observant can also be an amazing trait.

I feel its tied well to my empathy, and that’s one of the things I am proudest of having, and also noticing the small details in a beautiful painting, nature, well all around me.

Truly noticing when people are happy within, is a beautiful sight.

I felt really inspired today to write this mini post, but I have a busy day today so don’t have more time to edit and fine tune as I usually do, but I still wanted to post it today.

So, take what makes sense ❤

MissFaylyn out

Finding the small Flicker of light in the Dark…

My monkey is still my strenght and feeling of safety, and he travels everywhere I go. My prized possesion.

I’ve been beaten down by life several times, and every single time it felt like there was no way out of that darkness.

Every time I was so sure this was the end, and nothing would ever be good again.

That I had reached the peak of life and there was only one way out…Death.

And every time I felt this level of despair and out of any hope, I found a small flicker of light in the dark, that would slowly guide me back into the light of life.

Today I want to write about these small things that kept me from being stuck in the dark.

My monkey

When I was a teenager I lived in the weekdays at my foster parents, and during this time since I can remember, I was sexually and mentally abused by them.

Every day felt like a battle for sanity, every day didn’t feel safe, and every day I struggled hard to keep the mask on I was showing the world.

A happy smile to keep strangers and people around me from noticing something was wrong.

I wanted so badly to find an escape, to find peace, and to feel just a little bit safe again.

One night I remember I was lying in bed, praying so hard for my family and friends, praying for the world, and praying for safety, praying for the abuse to stop, and my gaze suddenly fell upon my monkey, a teddy bear that my mom had given me when I was very young.

Im not sure what came over me, but I picked up my teddy bear, and held it tight, and felt a sudden feeling of safety.

That even though I never felt safe in the world, this felt safe, this was safety.

Just holding this teddy bear so tight.

From that day on, I always had my teddy bear with me, every time I would travel. It would always be with me in my baggage, and today the same teddy bear sits on top a table and guards my room. I still find safety in holding this bear tight, I still find that comfort. I still find that light it provided so long ago when I was a teenager.

My hamster

The first time I tried to take my own life, is a moment I never ever forgot.

It had been a crazy year.

A year with PTSD, constant nightmares, a trial against my foster father that had gotten bad, and left me forever distrusting the legal system, the same system that put me into foster care in the first place. I was angry, I was hurt, I was sad, but still I had to put my feelings into a box and try to move on from my past, not knowing the scars that where still not healed.

My boyfriend who had been a huge support this whole time. Been behind me and my best friend, and biggest support system, he had broken up with me, after having cheated on me.

I felt I had nothing left. I felt broken, abandoned, and lonely.

I felt like people where better of without me here, that my family and friends I had left would feel happier without me, so I considered taking my own life, and while I was staring at the glass of pills in my hand my gaze fell upon the little light in the darkness.

My dwarf hamster climbing the bars like a little monkey. I had never seen him do this, and I was first in shock that he even managed to do this.

His little claws swinging from bar to bar, like a monkey.

I suddenly burst out laughing, and I laughed and laughed for a while.

I had snapped out of the darkness in an instant, and suddenly realised even though life felt so incredible dark and hard at that moment, this little light of a hamster still managed to brighten up my world, enough to guide me away from the dark and into the light again.  

Years later

The Food Buff In world of Warcraft

I was turning 31 and I had recently lived several years being too scared of life, so much so that I had so much anxiety that I couldn’t go shop for groceries.

I was diagnosed with several personality disorders and had no idea how to escape the welfare system.

I had no idea who I was anymore, what I wanted, and I felt everything was a constant struggle.

I had recently gotten out of a relationship that had been extremely taxing on both me and my ex’s mental health, and after years of never being alone I was now sitting in my room all alone, in front of my computer.

A month after our breakup I had fallen in love with a guy online and felt a tinge of hope for more in life, but my crush had at first reciprocated my feelings and then a few days later shattered it by saying that we couldn’t be together, because he couldn’t live with someone who lived on welfare.

That had left me feeling more worthless than I had felt before.

Day after day I logged into my favourite game and stood on a hill with my character, just watching people talk in game.

I stood there for hours and hours on end, and just listened to music, trying to let the days pass so I would eventually feel the sunshine on me again.

One day it was my birthday and one of my friends in game, got up to where I stood and told me that he wanted me to show me something.

I smiled in game, though I was crying behind the screen.

The next minute I saw him put down in game food down in a shape of my name and wished me a happy birthday.

This little thing happened so fast, but it made me realise.

This small kindness snapped me out of the darkness I found myself in.

It showed me that there where still a flicker of hope, there was kindness from strangers all around me, and it gave me the bravery to face life again, be brave enough to go outside my door, and move towards the light again.

The light : A song from Disturbed.

This moment is still fresh in my heart, and this song because of it has become my favourite song of all times.

I had just gotten out of a long-distance relationship that had lasted for 4 years.

He was my best friend, my world, and a person I had talked to every single day.

Our relationship was amazing but was also filled with a lot of grief.

My mental health still wasn’t great, and I had no hope of getting well enough to move over to the UK to be with him.

He was young and had his own reasons for not being able to move to Denmark for me, so even though we had made the long-distance work in the end it had been too taxing.

It had hurt too much traveling so rarely to see each other and for so little.

So, we had ended up fighting and arguing more, until one fateful day and we broke up.

A few days later we got back together, but then I had my doubts.

I still loved him, but it just hurt too much. I was so scared of being hurt again. The pain of the breakup was still fresh, and it just felt off.

So, I did something I ended up regretting.

I talked to a friend of mine who had been my friend for the last 12 years at the time, and he told me that he had a crush on me, that he had had a crush on me for all those years. He had wanted to tell me, but I was never single, so he never found the right time. He couldn’t keep it in anymore, so he decided to tell me now.

First, I turned him down, but then doubts and confusing feelings came up. I felt love, I felt anger, I felt pain, I felt heartbroken, I felt happy when I talked to him, so I thought I returned those feelings.

In fact, I realised after it was too late that I didn’t, not the way I thought I did.

(It still confuses me today my feelings that day)

I told my boyfriend that I had fallen for my friend and that I was sorry, and the way he cried left me even more heartbroken. I had hurt the person I loved so much, so deeply and after that day, for months, I have never ever in my life felt so disgusted by my actions.

I have never hated myself more, I have never felt more shame.

I told my “crush” the news and stopped talking to anyone for weeks on end.

During this time, what snapped me out of the darkness, was this song.

I realised that yes, I felt bad, I was heartbroken, I felt broken yet again, but I suddenly remembered the moments in my life where that little light had shown me the way out of the dark.

I realised I wasn’t perfect and that all I could do was keep trying, keep learning and one day I would eventually be in the light again, and this time, I would be able to find the light faster in the next dark moment in my life.

I realised I had survived so many dark moments in my life.

I realised my inner strength.

I learned to find that flicker of light, to guide me back to life every time.

Realising this gave me the comfort I needed, and today I no longer sit long in the dark, because I immediately find that small light when I look around my room.

My monkey protecting me still, providing safety.

The light song by disturbed that provides me with strength and hope.

And when I need to laugh to snap back into reality I think of my hamster.

When I forget what kindness looks like, and I feel lonely, I remember an old friend writing my name in food buffs within a game I love.

These small moments are moments I never ever will forget.

Its moments that have taught me a lifetime of lessons.

Its more of these small moments I look for when I feel down.

It’s what helps me to look at life in a more positive way, and it gives me the strength to carry on when life is tough.

I’m pretty sure these small moments saved my life several times over.

I haven’t been in the dark for several years in the same way, and I truly believe it’s because of the lessons I was taught about, how to look for the small flicker of light in the dark to guide you back into the sun again.

To have faith that when everything feels really dark that it won’t last forever.

To find strength enough to move when it’s tough and when it feels pointless or hopeless.

To find compassion and small acts of kindness around you.

To find a reason to smile and laugh when all you feel like is crying or give up.

Do you have small moments, memories or people who helped provide you with the light that you needed to escape those dark moments in your life?

Feel free to share…

MissFaylyn out…
May you have Love, Light and Kindness every day in your life ❤

I’m a Survivor NOT a Victim

In my childhood and early teens, I was a victim of many things.

Things happened to me that was out of my control, things that should never have happened to a child.

Things that made me feel like a victim most of my life.

What happened?

When I was 5 years old, I lived with my gypsy mother, and everything was well, until one fateful day and her brother died.

My mother was devastated and wanted to go home to Serbia to visit her family and attend her brother’s funeral.

She noticed I was very distressed by her grief, and in a loving way wanted to protect me from watching her cry and being grief stricken, so she told a friend of hers, her worries about me, and how I was handling this situation.

Her friend advised her to leave me behind, while she was away, so I wouldn’t see her sorrow.

So, my mom packed her things and left to attend a 40-day funeral. (In gypsy culture a funeral takes that long)  

During that time, while I was living with her friend, I wasn’t happy, I didn’t want to eat and became more and more sad, so her friend called the state to take me off her hands.

They put me in foster care, because in the state’s eyes, I had been abandoned by my own mother and they saw it as child abuse.

They did this to protect me, to make sure I was well cared for. Though without knowing, they put me into a situation that was much worse.

From 5 to 18 I lived with my mom in the weekends and my foster family in the weekdays.

When I lived with my foster family, I experienced mental and sexual abuse.

They where extremely disciplinary, so I always felt even though I tried so hard to be the good quiet girl, that I could never please them enough.

I always did something wrong.

I was constantly scolded for small things.

Forgetting things at school, not being on time, for eating an ice cream wrongly, for not being like the other kids, for not socializing enough, for not going out and spending time with the other kids.

I was told I was behind my age in intelligence.

I was told I wasn’t normal.

I was told if I didn’t live with them, I would live a life time on welfare and be like my mother.

I was told if I didn’t want to live with them that I would be sent far away and would never see my mother again, and so many other threats.

I was never good enough, so naturally I felt that way too.

I learned quickly to hide my emotions behind a false smile, because if I was smiling no one would notice or comment on how I really felt, which was feeling scared and sad all the time.

I learned to be that mask in time and did it so well that I managed to keep what was going on a secret.

This secret became my norm.

I started to believe that I was in a happy family, that I was lucky to live this way.

I started to believe that my foster parents loved me, that it was just normal family love.

I lived with this delusion until I was 18 years old, and in a fight with my boyfriend at the time, The tower that was my life crumbled, and the truth hit me in my face, and shook me to my core. It shook me so much that from that day I developed PTSD.

That’s where I became the Victim.

I left my foster family and learned to just survive.

I felt like Robinson Crusoe, who had been living on a island alone for years to one day be back in society, the normal world and having to learn the most basic things from scratch again.

I felt I was constantly in survival mode, struggling to keep myself above water and be as normal as I could be in this fast-paced society we live in.

To no surprise I cracked in the years to come.

I couldn’t keep up with normal day life, I still had so many scars to heal, and learn the most basic things I should have learned in my childhood.

Everyone saw me as a victim of my past. They where supportive, caring, and loving, but in seeing me as a victim, I learned to see myself as a victim.

I saw my self as weak, and different.

I felt out of place and that I didn’t belong in this world.

For years I struggled to keep afloat and stay sane, to learn to heal, to improve, but this was hard.

I still had so many things I didn’t understand.

I didn’t understand why a normal family like my foster parents could be not normal. I didn’t understand what normal was, and I struggled for many many years with what the idea of what normal was.

When I was 30 years old.

I started to understand and see the world differently.

I started to rebel against the normal in my eyes and learned to embrace my difference.

That’s where I really learned to not be a victim of my past anymore, and I could see it as a strength instead.

I’m not a victim I am a survivor.

When I realised that my past, didn’t make me weak but instead made me incredible mentally strong, I stopped for the first time seeing myself as a victim.

I realised that having to learn to see the world differently, learn about self-worth, being able to open up about what happened to me in my past, but also see the positives it had gotten me throughout the years, made me strong.  

It made me realise that I was a survivor, and realising how long and hard I had fought, also made me realise if I can survive this, and still remain sain, that I can survive anything.

Today I feel eternally grateful for the inner work on myself. How much I have grown from this horrible experience, how much I have achieved.

I am not normal, but I don’t see it as a bad thing anymore

I am not a victim, because this experience made me throughout the years realise what I learned, growing up and as an adult. I learned my inner strength.

I’ve managed to still have an incredible fun and loving life, where I find it natural to smile and see the world in a positive light.

To find the beauty in the simplest things.

A beautiful flower, a sunrise, a hamster running around in a hamster wheel, a smile on stranger’s face.

They didn’t take that away from me.

They never took my lust for life, and my positivity.  

While trying to shape me into what they wanted, I became something different, something more, something much stronger than I could ever imagine I would be.

And I use that strength to experience my life, to learn new things, to dream big, overcome fears, and take a leap of faith into new things.

I still have a lot to learn about the world. I still have to rewire a few parts of my brain that is still affected by my childhood, but when I was 18 and my brain was a crumpled mess, now there are only a few knots to untangle.

Because I have experienced so much mentally in my lifetime.

Gone through PTSD

Depression

Borderline and other personality disorders

Anxiety

A non-existent self-worth

When I feel pain or heartache, I understand myself more, so I can get myself up quicker now.

I’ve dealt with the worst already so nothing can no longer beat me down.

I used to believe that I was broken because of my past, now I see that what is broken, can be mended in time, and get out much tougher than it ever was in the first place.

I look at life around me differently now. When I see pain and misery around me, I know that us humans are strong enough to survive anything thrown at us. That any traumatic experience can in time make us much stronger.

When I hear other people’s stories from their past, I don’t see them as victims of something horrible, I see a survivor, and an incredible strong being for having gone through their experience.

And I feel so inspired that some has turned their past into working and helping people in the same situation today.

I am grateful for the people in my life that never saw me as a victim but kept me above water in my time of need.

My ex-boyfriend who got me out of the worst experience of my life.

 His mother who always encouraged me and gave me a sense of safety.

My father who got me into working in an organisation for sexual abuse victims (Survivors)

My friends who kept reminding me of my inner strength.

And my mother who has been my rock every single day.

My Mentors who helped me dig deeper into myself and discover my hidden skills and strenghts.

If you know anyone who is a victim of something horrible, know that it takes time and years of mending and self-work to get back into “normal”, but once they do, you will see a new sense of strength, that wasn’t there before.

A beautiful being arising from the ashes.

A rose in full bloom.

My past dosnt define me, it helped me grow in strenght, compassion, understanding and love.

I wasnt in control when I grew up, but now I am in full control of how I handle diffucult situations in my life, and I learn and grow from every bad experience that comes my way.

Have an amazing beautiful and strong day, morning evening.

If you have a tower moment in your life, and find everything in ruins, know that with every new block a much stronger tower will be built.

MissFaylyn out ❤