Trigger Warning!
This is my story over the last few months and up to today.
This is why I havent written a blog post in a while.
A lot had happend last time I wrote a post, and today im sharing everything.
Read with care.
I had to write about it.
I write blog posts to help me process my emotions, but also in hope that I can reach out to someone who can relate, and that I can somehow share my story and help that way.
Story time
“Should we try for a baby?“
She asked him.
“I know its early but I’m not getting any younger and I’m scared if we wait then it will be too late.”I know its early but I’m not getting any younger and I’m scared if we wait then it will be too late.
My doctor told me that if we try soon then I’ll still be able to get help trying to conceive if we have issues with it before I reach the 40-year-old mark.”
She was a little scared how his response was going to be, but also hopeful.
She couldn’t believe her luck.
She couldn’t believe that she was thinking about having a baby.
At her age of 38.
Her life had changed so much the last year, that sometimes she felt she was living a dream where anything could happen.
He looked into her eyes and spoke.
“Yes, why not let’s try. I believe we are ready for this or will get ready. We would have many months to prepare for a baby if we are lucky to conceive quickly.”
Her heart was instant flooded with hope and so much joy.
She smiled thinking of the future baby with this amazing guy who had entered her life 6 months ago.
A guy who she felt so much at home with already, and who showed her what love really felt like.
The true kind, the good and healthy kind.
Something that she had never understood and felt in the same way before.
She grabbed his hand and started walking home.
A bright hopeful smile on her lips.
The future was looking good.
They planned to first start after 3 months.
She was eating vitamins every day and was counting down the days.
Soon.
It was time.
She looked at her birth control pack. Only one month left.
………………………………………..
Her dad died in august…
It had happened suddenly and all her hopes and dreams for the future felt like it was on shaking grounds.
She was devastated.
She only had 14 days left of her pills.
Should she wait?
Or continue with the original plan to conceive?
She was scared that maybe her boyfriend had second thoughts.
But he had calmed her down and spoke.
“If you are ready my love, then so am I
We will get through this I promise.
I’m here for you.”
She shallowed down the tears and felt that tiny sliver of hope.
Maybe it was the best time to start soon.
It was the cycle of life; one life ends another one starts.
She only wished she had told her dad that she was thinking of trying for another baby soon before he had passed.
Argh, it wasn’t fair.
She hated that she had lost him that way.
But she was determined to look forward and start a new life for herself and the love of her life.
………………………………………………..
The first month of trying.
She felt so excited but also so nervous.
What if she couldn’t get pregnant.
What if she was too old.
Her mind was spinning out of control, but he calmed her down. Took her hand in his and kissed her cheek so gently.
The love so obviously in his eyes and his touch.
She adored him so much.
Her rock and best friend.
She had reached her fertile window and now it was time to wait.
A week into the window, and she felt so inpatient.
Did she feel different?
She did go to the bathroom a lot more.
She did feel her chest grow in size, and she swore they were a little sore.
She had been googling all night for symptoms of early pregnancy.
She took an early test, but it had showed negative.
She already felt she was going a little crazy.
But she realised how much she really wanted it to happen.
It would be perfect to get pregnant fast.
After everything she had gone through with her dads passing.
The pain, the heartache
She needed the sun to shine a little in her life.
She needed something to put her focus into.
She needed this.
A week later.
Disappointment.
Sadness
She was in bed crying.
Her boyfriend holding her tight and comforting her.
The test had showed negative, and her period had just arrived.
She had felt so sure that she could feel her being pregnant.
She felt it so strongly.
At least that’s what she had thought so.
It was heartbreaking to realise today that’s she hadn’t been.
She couldn’t even trust her body anymore.
She always thought she had a close relationship to her own body.
Maybe she had been pregnant but had lost it early.
She swore that she hadn’t been crazy experiencing those symptoms.
The long list of symptoms that had been a match for early pregnancy.
Could she really have imagined it all?
Somehow conjured symptoms that weren’t really there, just with belief?
Almost 2 Weeks later.
She had gotten through the initial days of feeling sad and disappointed and was ready to try again.
She knew it might be a long road.
This time she would everything better, and track everything better.
But also try not to put to much weight into any symptoms arising.
Try to not get too excited.
Try to stay calm and keep busy.
4 days before her period was due.
She had just gotten up and had decided that’s he couldn’t wait any longer.
She took the early pregnancy test in the bathroom at 8 o clock in the morning.
She felt her heart pounding and expected it to be negative.
And that would be okay.
She had seen a negative test last month; she could go through that again.
It’s a marathon not a sprint she had to remind herself.
It’s a journey and it might take a while before she saw a positive line.
She looked at the digital early detection test.
Starring at it, not blinking.
Just starring.
Waiting…
Then suddenly the results came in.
No
It can’t be
No no no no
Am I seeing this right?
She ran into her room grabbing the test to look at the box.
It was a clear + sign.
She was pregnant.
She wasn’t imaging it.
Right?
Holy f….
She was pregnant.
A squeal of happiness escaped her mouth, and she couldn’t help but jump up and down.
She ran into her mother’s bedroom and woke her up.
Then typed her boyfriend the news.
She was in shock.
Holy
She didn’t expect it to happen this fast.
So much joy and happiness rushed through her.
She took 3 more tests over 4 days, just to confirm the news.
That’s she wasn’t imagining it.
Her first doctors’ appointment.
She had called them to ask now what.
They wanted her to take a test at their office to confirm pregnancy.
And the nurse had told her the news.
You are pregnant congratulations.
You are currently 4 weeks and 5 days according to your last period.
You should go home and celebrate.
She smiled at the news.
She already knew she was pregnant, but it felt so incredible relieving to have it confirmed by a professional.
She was sent up with a follow up appointment when she had reached week 10 of her pregnancy.
6 weeks pregnant and she had told most of her friends and family that she was expecting.
She felt so hopeful and so joyful.
She held a hand gently on her stomach.
Already loving the little life growing inside of her.
She imagined the birth.
Changing diapers.
Watching the baby take his/hers first step.
So many pictures all of them happy
A few days later.
She was crying.
Someone in the family had recently gotten some horrible news.
Cancer with a life expectancy of only 4 – 7 years.
Someone she loved very dearly.
Someone who meant so much to her.
It wasn’t fair.
She had just recently lost her dad.
How could she be happy and joyful now?
She felt despair, pain.
A lonely sadness trying to drown her down.
She had to be strong.
Both for the baby and the people in her family.
But she couldn’t shake the sadness and the shock of the news.
It wasn’t fair.
Not yet
Not now
It was too soon.
The person was a beautiful person who makes the world a better place.
Who cares so much for others.
Someone who’s light shines on everyone.
This person didn’t deserve this, she still had so much to live for.
Her heart bleed for her and everyone who had been diagnosed with such a nasty disease.
She put a hand on her stomach and felt a tinge of fear.
What if something happened to the baby?
What if she would lose this baby too.
She tried to calm herself down, but all she felt was fear.
The world had already taken her dad from her too soon, now she would lose this person, maybe.
She remembered a saying that a disaster rarely comes alone.
She promised herself to remain strong.
She had to be!
For the baby coming.
Trying to think positive thoughts.
She started googling more about the baby’s development in her stomach.
Week 7 soon.
The baby would already have a heartbeat.
She imagined the baby’s heart beating a little faster than her own.
A strong healthy beat.
Little blueberry.
“You got this.” she whispered to her baby…
She was stroking her belly gently.
Feeling the love for her little growing baby.
Week 7 and day 3.
She was sitting on the toilet reading on her baby app about miscarriages.
She couldn’t help but feel a little bit of fear still.
She still felt all the symptoms.
Breast tenderness
Nausea.
The constant trips to the bathroom.
Food Aversion
The constant hunger
Her doctor’s appointment was so long away, and she wanted to badly to know if everything was okay in there.
She knew she had a higher risk of miscarriage.
Because of her age and her being considered obese still.
But she still felt symptoms every day that was good news, right?
She eased her mind and wiped herself.
Shock
No
No
No no no no NO
It can’t be.
There it was.
A little blood on the paper.
Her mind racing.
Her heart sunk.
Heartbroken in an instant.
She rushed into her room and started googling.
The blood had been pink and very little.
But still blood is blood.
And that couldn’t be good right?
She googled and found loads of posts saying that it could mean nothing.
That it was pretty common to bleed a little during a pregnancy.
Relief washed over her.
She went to bed.
Hoping…
Praying that it was nothing….
She woke up the next day.
She still felt pregnant.
Her chest heavy, and tender
And so much nausea and she was so hungry.
She opened the fridge.
Erk the fridge smells.
She closed it as quickly as she had opened it.
She would have to go to the shop and buy something that wouldn’t make her feel so nauseous.
She went to the bathroom praying that she wouldn’t find any more blood.
She was staring at the paper again.
Fear rising in her chest.
She had really hoped that it would have stopped overnight.
But no there it was.
More blood.
This time a little bit more, still very little, but a bit more than last night.
The day went on and she tried to focus on something else then the paper she had seen this morning, but by evening she couldn’t handle the fear anymore.
She told her boyfriend.
He said it was properly nothing and that he would be here no matter what.
So supportive, so much love. She felt a little calmer.
She went to bed.
Her mind still racing…
She fell asleep praying for her little baby’s health.
Trying to imagine it being strong and healthy.
She woke up from a nightmare.
She had dreamt she had miscarriage twin girls.
Telling the news to her family.
Feeling herself cry.
She went to the bathroom praying this nightmare would stop.
She wiped.
And found more blood this time.
It looked like spotting.
She thought…
She wasn’t sure…
She started googling what spotting meant, and how much blood was healthy.
She ended up calling her doctor crying, and explaining to her was she had seen.
The doctor had comfortingly said that it wasn’t anything to worry about. That it could be perfectly healthy as long as she didn’t bleed a lot and had any pain anyway.
She tried to ease her mind a little and calm down.
She could only wait it out and see.
She was 8 weeks soon.
Everything was properly fine.
Though she still felt that crippling fear.
She kept googling for most of the day.
Trying to ease her mind with information and other people’s stories.
It helped a little
The next day.
She woke up, this time she felt a little pain, and she was bleeding more now.
No no no NO
Please
No
Please God, anyone out there, please let my baby be okay.
It’s not fair.
She went for a walk…
Trying to think about something else.
But as she walked the tears kept falling.
She called the doctor again and explained.
She got an appointment for the next day to come in for a check-up.
Now it was time to wait.
Tomorrow she would be 8 weeks.
And baby would be the size of a kidney bean.
Focus on the good.
Focus
Focus.
Try to calm down.
Try to breathe.
She couldn’t.
She called her boyfriend and asked him to come over.
She was supposed to see him tomorrow
He had some work to do today.
She felt a little guilty for asking, but he rushed over.
He was so amazing.
So supportive
So, loving.
She meet him at the train.
She started crying.
He held her hand.
Reassuring her that everything was going to be okay.
Even if it were bad news tomorrow, they could get through this.
She watched Netflix and ate pizza in bed for the rest of the day, with his arms around her.
When it was time to sleep, she had a hard time finding sleep.
Her mind constantly racing.
Tomorrow…
Tomorrow she would know.
Tomorrow this nightmare might stop.
Maybe
She was still clinging on to hope.
Even though she had a sinking feeling of disaster.
She looked at the screen in shock.
The gynaecologist told her the news.
She felt herself slipping away, she was there but also not there.
She felt like a robot.
“Your baby seems to have stopped progressing. It looks like a 4-week foetus, and it should be 8 weeks. I’m so sorry, but all you can do is try again”.
She thanked him.
And walked away from the office with her boyfriend holding her hand.
The tears streaming to the surface again.
So many tears.
In public
How?
4 weeks?
It didn’t even have a heartbeat.
It never had one.
The worst had happened.
She had miscarried.
The world felt different…
So dark…
like a living nightmare…
“Please let it be a dream, she begged in prayer to a higher power”
Every step she took felt hard.
It wasn’t fair.
This little blueberry of hers.
It had been her little light in a world of misery.
Her little hope
Of something better.
She knew it had been a possibility.
That having a miscarriage was normal.
That it happened.
She had been prepared for it before she had tried to conceive but she had still clung to hope. That it wouldn’t happened to her.
Not after the world having taken her dad away from her too early.
And after having heard about the cancer in her family.
How much more misery could she take?
It wasn’t fair...
So, I lost my baby.
I didn’t know how to write this story.
I am still filled with a lot of emotions.
I’m mostly just really sad.
But I’m also a little calmer now.
I know we can try again.
And that it’s still a journey.
I know that after darkness comes light, and that soon everything in my life will get better.
I have a lot to be grateful for.
Friends, family who are really supportive.
A loving boyfriend.
Despite for life handing me some hard times now, I know that I’m going to be okay.
I feel for everyone who has gone through a miscarriage.
It hurts.
It sucks.
And I wanted to share my story too.
Of the hope I felt
The love.
The fear.
Today sucks, but tomorrow will be okay, and I still have hope that one day, I will hold my baby in my arms.
As my boyfriend said a while ago.
That there are so much in life we can’t control we can only control how we react to what life throws at us.
I will be writing more about life going forward and a lot more about my TTC journey. (TTC stands for trying to conceive)
And about life in general.
If you have gone through a miscarriage, my heart bleeds for you. I knew it was a thing, but I never expected how it really feels going through it.
Writing this still in tears over today.
and ill properly shed tears for days to come and thats okay.
Everything will be okay….
MissFaylyn out…
Sending baby dust to everyone who is trying to conceive… ❤
Missfaylyn 