Before you read this.
There might be triggers. So, thread carefully…
It happened…
The storm I feared came sooner than I expected.
The storm as expected tore through the foundation I had so carefully built the last year.
Everything that I had so carefully built up for myself, shattered and I am now at square one again.
So, what happened?
My dad died.
And even though my intuition has alerted me for a long time that something was wrong and that one day I would lose him, I didn’t expect it to happen so soon.
Too soon
My biggest surprise was my feelings when it happened.
My relationship with my dad has for years been complicated.
When I was a child and teenager, I adored him.
He was my hero.
But after my grandmother died, he changed, and instead of being there for each other we ended up fighting a lot and slowly becoming estranged.
A few years ago, I got back into contact with him, but his health wasn’t great.
Chain smoking and sitting indoors, not moving, and having poor eating habits.
All of it was his downfall.
I told him that he needed to take better care of himself, but stubborn as he was (I inherited this trait) he refused.
So, a few weeks before he passed, we had a huge fight and left our last words in anger.
But when he died, I felt completely numb.
I expected to be heartbroken, or maybe even angry.
But I felt numb for days
A week
I welcomed any emotion, but they didn’t want to surface.
Even though I felt it in my stomach and my chest, they didn’t want to surface.
Eventually I managed to feel the anger, and sadness that I had lost such a huge part of my family.
My dad.
It’s only been 3 weeks and I still can’t believe it.
He wasn’t that old, only 66 years old.
I always expected, hoped that I would have more time with him.
That we eventually could recover from our fights and disagreements and get back to being close as I remember us being.
I always hoped that would be the case.
All of this has sent me back into my old habits, and lifestyle.
I try to get back up on the horse again, but I just feel tired, and yet I have a hard time finding sleep.
I have written this post for weeks now, but I struggled to find the words, the find the emotions.
I feel them now.
Anger.
Angry, that he died, and we didn’t have enough time.
Angry, that our last talk was in anger.
Angry that he didn’t listen to me years back to stop smoking.
Sadness.
Sadness that my hero died.
Sadness that we can’t catch a movie like we used to together.
Sadness that he won’t be there at my wedding if I ever get married.
Sadness that I can’t tell him that I love him again.
I try to accept it.
To move on from it
To tell myself that it was for the best.
He was in a bad emotional state for years.
He often threatened to take his own life.
He often said he was tied of life.
I know he was lonely.
I know I tried my hardest to be there, and that I shouldn’t beat myself up over it.
I know I did my best and its okay
But I still feel guilt.
Guilt for not being there more.
Guilt for not trying a lot harder.
Guilt for getting angry when he got angry at me a few weeks ago.
Guilt for not feeling more then I do now.
So, what now?
How do I heal from this
How do I move on from this?
Only time will tell.
I’ve learned that I have to take one day at a time.
That it’s okay I fell back into my old habits, ill get back to my good habits soon.
That it’s okay I haven’t been as productive in following my dreams these last few months
That it’s okay I haven’t written a blog post in a while or made a You Tube video in months
That I need to heal
To move slow
But I still feel its not enough.
I wish.
I wish I had handled everything differently.
I wish my dad were still here, and we could play online games together, like I always wanted to do with him.
I wish I didn’t have to lose him yet.
But somewhere in me, I do believe.
I believe he is in a better place now.
I believe he is looking down from heaven (or a place like it) and smiling down at me.
A few days after I lost him, I made myself a promise and I vow to keep it.
I promised myself that I wouldn’t live a life like my dad did.
I have always been very much like my dad.
A dreamer
Always dreaming big but never doing much about them
A gamer
Spending way too much time gaming, to escape into a world that’s different than ours.
Sensitive
Sensitive to everything so much so that it was easier to sit in my room and never go outside of it.
Just like my dad.
In so many ways
I still smoke.
Just like he does – Did.
I still cant believe he is gone
But I promised myself that I would do anything to change my lifestyle.
I wouldn’t just dream big but work a lot harder to try to achieve these dreams.
I need to do a lot more than I have done before.
I had hoped to one day tell my dad after I had accomplished those dreams that I did it.
So, he could feel proud of me.
All I ever wanted was him to feel proud of me.
And I think he was.
(But I’m not sure)
So now I am turning a new leaf.
Once I’ve healed from this
I will do it for my dad.
I will do it for me.
I will do it for my future.
In honour of him
And one day when I get there.
Where I want to be in life
Ill look up at the sky and say.
“This one is for you dad”.
P.S Its been a hard post to write but I had too. I might write more about my dad in the future, but right now its too fresh, and I am having a hard time coming to terms, that this is it.
I think its normal to feel that way when someone you love dies
but how can you really tell?
Thats what I struggled with the most, in trying to find any sense in my thoughts and emotions.
Trying to heal and move in the best way, but maybe there isnt a best way, maybe it just is random, and chaotic, and confusing.
and maybe thats okay.
Ill be back to blogging soon, in the meantime.
Remember to tell the people in your lifes that you love them
That you cherish them before its too late.
The only thing I regret is that I didnt tell my dad a lot more often that he was my hero.
Even still after so many years.
MissFaylyn Out…
Missfaylyn 