I’m at a crossroad in my life right now.
I reached the end of the road I was following so intently.
I knew where I was going, I knew what I wanted.
Even though it was a simple dream, a simple direction, it felt right.
And following this road, that direction led me to where I am at now.
At a crossroad.
So, now I find myself in a room, with multiple different doors to open, and contemplating which door I should choose first.
My world is changing, my dreams, my desires.
My motivation has shifted.
Every day I wake up I ask myself this question.
“What do I want?”
Followed by
“Why do I want this?”
And everyday I come up with a million answers.
I’ve never been in a place where I want it all and I want it now.
So how do I choose?
Which direction do I go for?
Which door do I open first?
And most importantly do I have the patience to only open one door, and give it 100 % of my focus?
Or can I open a few, and give it equal amount of attention?
Can I really have it all?
Love?
Career?
A family?
My own independence?
Friends?
And still maintain and work on my hobbies?
Right now, everything in my life is moving, but I am also finding myself at a standstill.
Can I allow myself to stagnate a bit longer, or will the desperation I feel to do something overtake me?
And where does this desperation to act come from? What does it mean?
Why am I in such a hurry to go in every direction?
Why can’t I wait a little bit longer?
If I have to be completely honest with myself
Even though at times seeing the naked truth staring at you, isn’t always easy, its necessary!
Why am I in such a hurry to act?
Because being in stagnation for a decade, has made me incredible impatient.
I’ve felt so desperate for years on end to move on with my life.
To feel the sun shining again.
To run free in the wind with my hair out
To feel free
To be myself
And allow myself to be selfish.
I think my biggest problem right now isn’t that things are going fast in my life.
Its not that I can’t choose, and that I want it all.
I think its me feeling scared that people around me won’t approve.
That I skip over what is logical and instead move straight into desire without too much thought.
Its like feeling like a sudden urge to just jump off a cliff and dive into the ocean, because going for a swim is all you can think about.
Without worrying about if the cliff is too high, or if there is enough water down below.
I feel the urge to just live.
To make mistakes
To feel everything again, and deeply.
The world has changed so much for me.
I’ve changed so much.
And everything that gave me joy a year ago is no longer enough.
Its like when you see movies in black and white your whole life and then one day suddenly see your first movie in colour.
Going back to black and white is NOT an option anymore.
I just want to jump and see where life takes me.
I have found love in a way that defeats rational sense.
I have found meaningful friendships, connections that I have always so desperately longed for.
I have found meaning and value in myself, in a way I have never felt before.
I have a deep desire to change the world around me to something better.
To share my years of contemplating.
To share my mental health journey.
Going back to sitting in this chair I am sitting in, and just playing games for entertainment isn’t enough anymore.
I want so many things.
I want a family of my own.
I want a career in mental health.
I want to give to others what I got myself all these years.
What I learned myself.
I want to unleash my creativity in a way where fear and self-doubt no longer is stopping me from just creating.
I no longer want to feel I have to get everything approved by others.
And yet I still feel I need someone to tell me if I am being too irrational, if I move to fast based from what my heart wants and not being capable of listening to what my own logic says.
Then again, I often question my own head.
My own head is often ruled by fear, doubt.
Thinking thoughts like
“What if I make the wrong choice?”
“What if I move to fast?”
“What if I make a choice where people in my life disapprove?”
Instead of these thoughts I want to be thinking instead.
“What if I make the right choice?”
What If I don’t do this and it will create unrest, unhappiness?”
“What if the reason I don’t move is fear based”.
“What if it’s a really good idea”.
What I’ve been teaching myself for a year now, is small steps.
And small steps is what I will choose to do.
Instead of picking one road, one door, I will for the first time ever just go with what my heart tells me without fear.
I will jump over that cliff and see where the wave takes me when I hit the ocean.
I won’t drown.
I won’t allow myself to drown, because I know that the shore is close by, and I can always swim to safety.
I know ill have my head above water, but I need to just let the current take me to new shores in my life.
I am no longer fit to live the life I lived a year ago.
It’s no longer enough.
So, it’s time to implement the strength that my gaming avatar Faydra always provided me.
To just do and not think too much.
To act without fear.
To be a little reckless.
Id rather spent my entire life picking the wrong doors in life, make mistakes, fail then being ruled by inaction. To be at a standstill with no action taken.
And by that fact alone I have already jumped off that cliff and is already submitting myself to the ocean waves of life.
With that said, everything I am going to do going forward is going to be coming from my heart.
It’s going to be experimental.
It’s going to be a little reckless without too much thought.
At times ill be in way over my head, and having started to much, but I can handle it.
I know I can find my way in the direction that feels right for me.
Because id rather try everything then try nothing at all.
Especially because I lived a life with so much inaction for years.
I am tired of running away from myself in order to please.
Tired of trying to do what I think people think I should do, the perfect way to do things.
How can I ever live and shine bright for myself if I constantly try to fit into boxes.
How can I ever stand out if I don’t allow myself to stand out.
So, first action I am going to take, out of a million brave acts, is to start my New You Tube channel.
It is NOT going to be perfect.
Its not going to be too planned.
Its going to be for me.
Its going to be experimental.
And I have no idea if I will continue to post videos on it.
But I need to find out.
I need to find out how it feels.
Today I am just doing.
Today I choose my heart over my head.
Today I create chaotically and letting go off perfection.
I let my heart guide me to a new life, and accept that I can’t control anything beyond how I feel.
I embrace the Name I gave myself and choose to live by it truly in thought and spirit.
Missfaylyn = MissFailing
Update:
There will be changes, and a lot of radical changes to my website, when I have the time for it.
Consistency I cant do right now, since I am making the choice of opening a lot of doors in my life right now.
I will keep focussing on what gives my life value and meaning.
My boyfriend and being in the honeymoon stage is one.
My work for the groups I manage at this time.
My voluntary work I do for the state right now.
and towards my internship I am starting soon, and maybe even the education thats awaiting me next year.
Im also in the process of moving house soon, when I get the right offer, and its summer so its time to travel, have fun, and experiment in real life as I call it ❤
So my work on my blog, website and My vlog channel on YT will be when I find any spare time.
Its an exciting time and its time to fully live and enjoy every stage of it.
So you will hear from me soon, and in different ways that ive been heard before.
Have an amazingly beautiful summer day, and live continously from your heart.
Until next time
Missfaylyn out…
Missfaylyn 