Its funny how life works
The moment I give up on the idea of finding love, the moment I feel like I don’t really need it and feel absolutely content being single.
Boom
I find it.
And it’s like nothing I have ever experienced before.
I’ve been single for 4 years, and this might not sound like a long time, but for me it was a lifetime.
Since I was 17, I’ve been in long term relationships.
and though being in a relationship felt great at times, it also took away too much.
I always lost part of my identity, giving myself 100 %.
I always put a lid on my emotions, dialled myself down, so when the relationships I was in broke, I had to rebuilt myself up again from the ground.
And I learned in the last 4 years that it wasn’t my ex-boyfriends that was to blame for that.
It was me.
I dialled myself down on purpose.
I lost my identity willingly.
In order to please
To fit in better
To be the perfect version I thought they wanted me to be.
In so many of my previous relationships I secretly wanted to be saved.
I wanted them to be the hero and I the vulnerable princess.
But that’s not how love works.
Love is so much deeper, and love means you don’t have to dial yourself down, or change the core of who you are, love is when you can be completely yourself, and your partner can be the same.
Its not about need, want or trying to change each other.
Love just is.
In these past years, I read a lot about love.
In spirituality, science, and psychology.
I studied it, but always questioned it.
How could it be so simple?
Why didn’t I feel it in my previous relationship?
That sense of it being easy.
Natural
The way I read about.
I didn’t understand it until I meet him.
And now I finally understand.
I feel like a fog has lifted and I see the world in a brighter light.
An endless lightbulb moment.
When I meet him, there was an almost immediate connection.
And a friendship developed quickly.
It felt so easy to talk to him.
Like our communication just flowed so easily.
I was shocked at how easy it was to talk to him, and even more stunned when I realised, I opened up about things I normally found difficult to talk about.
I was completely myself around him, no filters, no dialling myself down.
I could just me 100 % me.
With most people in my life, I always have the feeling that I have to tune myself down a little bit.
I have always been told that I can be a little too enthusiastic at times, that I am too loving, too caring, too emotional.
Being a highly sensitive person, this has been a pretty normal reaction to me my entire life.
Being too much.
So of course, I’ve been so used to dialling myself down, so I feel I fit in a little bit better.
But with him there are no walls, just 100 % me.
I quickly developed a crush on him, but I didn’t act on it for a long time. Instead, I tried to put a lid on it.
I was in a really good place in my life, everything was going well.
My dreams felt a little closer, my family life had never been better, everything just felt great, but that wasn’t the reason why I didn’t act on my crush.
I was terrified of losing the budding already strong friendship with him.
I had previously experienced that when you first share your crush feelings with a friend, the friendship changes, sometimes in a negative way.
And I was scared.
So, I thought I could drown this budding feeling down.
Try to hide it.
But the more time I spent with him, the more difficult it became to hide this feeling.
It only grew and soon that was it.
I was in love.
Being me, I fall hard.
I turn from a grown woman into a giggling teenager in an instant.
I have a hard time focussing, sleeping, and eating.
And my smile grew 10 times in size when I was near him.
I live with my mom, and she was the first to notice.
She looked at me one day and said.
“I have never seen you this much in love”.
I was shocked when she said it, though I knew her words where true, I felt it, it was pretty intense, but I also realised that I couldn’t hide it anymore.
I had to tell him.
Not because I expected anything to come out of it, not because I wanted anything.
But because I value honesty so much that I felt I was being dishonest by not sharing my feelings.
So, one day after we had talked for hours, and I had caught myself unconsciously flirting with him, I took a deep breath and wrote him a message.
I have never in my life felt so scared, so naked, so emotionally open.
I remember I had talked to a friend of mine, and I Burst into tears of fear.
I was so scared of how he would react if he would feel pressure or if it would ruin our friendship.
My friend calmed me down, and told me it was better I just tell him, than keep it in.
That everything would work out.
For the entire night after having written my message, my thoughts where ruminating in my mind.
Taking control of everything.
I imagined every possible scenario, and how I would react or how I would have to deal with it.
I didn’t sleep much that night.
In the morning I saw the dots on my screen, and his name in print.
He was typing me back.
My heart stopped in that moment.
Until the words formed on my screen.
He felt the same.
I jumped out of my chair.
I ran into the living room with my mom sitting there and I screamed happily.
He feels the same.
I was ecstatic.
Since that moment I’ve been living in a dream.
Feeling my heart growing 10 times bigger, with an everlasting smile on my face.
I feel different, but also 10 times more myself than I have ever felt.
I feel more inspired.
More motivated
More me
I don’t have to hide with him.
I am just 100 % me, and it’s so easy.
When I got into a relationship in the past
I always felt too overwhelmed being in love.
I felt fear.
I felt anxious.
With him every single thing feels like the most natural thing in the world.
Everything just flows.
I find myself doing things I have in my past been a bit nervous doing.
Like wearing a dress.
I am more open, more myself with people around me too.
Its so much easier just being 100 % me.
In public
With my friends
With my family
Its like I see everything more clearly.
Yes, it might be the in-love brain talking.
But one thing I really noticed changing.
Is how my entire mindset changed.
Towards every part in my life.
I see myself growing.
I feel myself feeling stronger.
I feel more determined towards reaching my goals, my dreams.
I don’t feel I have to change myself.
Or dial myself down anymore
yet I’ve never been more determined to just me be.
In every aspect of my life
The biggest change I feel is.
I feel absolutely no fear.
Only freedom, joy, and excitement for tomorrow.
Another change I noticed with him, there is no need, no want in selfish ways.
We can be together and just ourselves.
And we can be apart and be missing each other but still give our attention to our family, friends and our dreams and goals.
The previous desperation I felt creeping in in previous relationships to be glued together, in fear of the relationship ending, I don’t feel with him.
There is just love.
I finally understand the meaning of
Love just is.
Its that simple
Ill be back with more Blog Posts soon
Until then have a magical day ❤
MissFaylyn out…
Missfaylyn 