I’ve haven’t been this angry in years.
Today my past came up like never before, and I needed to write.
I needed the words on paper so I could release them safely from my head.
Today I write in anger, but I hope the message is clear enough, without too much anger.
I know its not that simple. Black or White, that it is in colour.
But today I only see red
Today im Blind to any other colours.
Yet, I hope my rant resonates.
The same frustration and anger that everyone sometimes feels.
When not being heard.
When not being seen.
Here we go, rant incoming…
I remember today why I escaped into the world of gaming for years.
I remember one of the reasons.
And it’s the same reason that gives me the urge to put my weapon down and stop fighting.
Fighting for everything I have achieved and accomplished so far.
Realising at the end of the day that I’m still meet with doubt in my resolve to show that I got this.
Doubt from people near and dear to me.
Doubt from the state.
That doubt sprouting a little seedling within myself.
Feeling so tired of feeling so misunderstood
My whole life
Misunderstood
Being seen as weak
Despite having survived horrors, and abuse.
Being seen as dumb despite how long and how many days I’ve picked up books and learned something from scratch that normally comes with a degree.
A degree I couldn’t take because of my sensitivity and constant feeling of overwhelm from living in a too busy high-speed world.
Being seen as selfish and not caring when all I do is care, and so carefully try to not step on any toes, when at the same time being so used to feeling like a doormat.
But its okay because I cant not care. Its grown so deep into me, that despite me having tried to avoid people, so I wouldn’t care too much still end up caring.
Caring about the world I see in the news, the in-game talk from strangers, the songs of deep emotions from my favourite bands.
I often wonder where my place is in this world.
I just want a normal life where I can be independent and live my own life.
But how can I even get there if I am constantly meet with doubt?
Doubt that I CAN change, that I can be the strong person I know I am inside.
How can I make people close to me, believe that I do have it within me.
How can I prove that I got what it takes.
Isn’t it time I escaped the hell that was my life?
Isn’t it time that I am meet as an equal, as a human being with thoughts feelings, and that I matter just as much as everyone else does?
That I am capable of so much more then I was in my past.
That I don’t need to survive anymore but can actually thrive.
So why not allow me to just be…
Be ME
Why do I have to prove every step I take?
Why do I have to work so much harder?
The girl broken by her past
When is it time that the world doesn’t see the broken girl anymore.
But a woman headstrong, living every day like it matters.
Because it might look like im just that broken girl, but I am soo much more than that today.
That girl escaped hell inside of herself.
She wasnt lazy
Or weak
That hell she was living was created in the first place by the State she was put in care off.
Torn away from her loving Mother who didnt understand Western Society, and the loving Dad who had his rights taken away too early.
To grow up in hell.
A hell that she learned was the safest place to be, because she didnt know any better.
A hell she learned to have faith in
Believing this was how the world worked.
The only way to live a good life was to be meaner, own more cars, get rich and not caring.
and abuse and manipulate.
She learned that it was okay to step on other people to get a head.
A world of constant competition to prove that you where better then the person next to you.
A world where if you speak up, say no, no one will listen, and if they do, tell you to get a grip and move on the road already decided for you
She learned quickly that broken girl that she was doomed.
She had too big a heart.
Told too many times growing up.
“Loving too much, caring to much will be your downfall”
They might have been right…
Better behave or else
Better do your chores or else
Better do as told or else
Better try this because it’s the safest way.
Your dreams don’t matter.
So many years behind me
And I still don’t understand.
What are we fighting for?
What are we living for?
What is the most important in life?
Is it being an upstand citizen that’s important?
Have good table manners?
Look twice before your cross the road.
Stand in line and don’t cut through?
Is the most important thing in life chores?
Responsibility?
Degrees, diplomas, education?
I must have gotten it wrong.
I thought love was important.
I thought living life as your true self, was important.
To not be scared of who you are, but to be your own unique person, and it’s okay to not care for table manners, to not have multiple degrees, and still be considered smart.
To be sensitive but still be seen as strong.
That love is never wrong.
That family means everything.
Arrrrgh so f……. Angry.
Did I get it wrong?
Did the years of life lessons not matter?
My years of constantly fighting to stay afloat, to fight on.
I trusted them!
I trusted the state.
I trusted my family.
I trusted them to have my back.
I trusted them to hear me when I said no.
Instead, I realised I was wrong all along.
No one will be there, No one is on your side.
Only yourself
And if you want people to pay attention
Get that degree.
Step on those toes.
Fight like never before.
Shout a little louder.
You better prove that you can be trusted to have changed.
One day
One day I’ll show them all!
Enough is enough.
I will no longer be quiet.
I will fight until the end of my days.
To prove I’m stronger because of my past, not weaker.
Not a victim. So much more
That I’m worth just as much as everyone else.
That I am capable of so much more.
Yet still I feel unseen and misunderstood.
Its properly a bad idea to write when I am angry.
But in my anger, I feel frustrated.
I have been fighting with everything I got.
I work 5 times more than I did a year ago.
With only one day of rest.
My work, which the state called a “Hobby”, that my family still laugh at.
And yes, it is a hobby since I don’t get paid.
But does it mean less because I dont get payed?
Is wanting to inspire, to make people smile, to unleash my creativity not worthy of a profession?
Just because I do it for free?
Isnt it my life? Or did I get it wrong
Yes I live in poverty.
Yes I chose that lifestyle
It gives me hope
Because I dont want to retire
I want to work, to live, to do something of meaning
and my work “Hobby” gives me hope and meaning
I treat it as work.
I wake up every day early.
I work hard for hours, take a little lunch break, and then work hard again.
I work more than the normal 8 hours work time in a day, in Denmark.
Most Days I work all day.
I remember to do my exercise, to eat healthy, to do my chores, to attend to bills, everything that normal life brings.
Everything thats considered healthy.
Everything a normal human being considers to be normal.
Carefully planned steps, Ive written down in my excel spreadsheets.
I take time to see friends, to spend time with family.
I take on more responsibility from family, things I don’t normally do but volunteer to do, so I can finally prove that I got this.
That I’ve changed!
And even despite everyone around me can see I’ve changed; they still hesitate to do the one thing that’s means the world to me.
The one thing I can’t write about.
The reason why I am filled with so much fury.
I trusted them to have my back today.
To talk with the State, to help me show them I got this.
But alas I was disappointed.
At my meeting that meant everything!
That was the culmination of everything that I have gone through for years.
Worked so hard for…
They…
Left me hanging.
Looked at me with the same doubt.
“Poor Fay”
“Weak Fay”
“You haven’t proved enough”.
You are not enough.
You will never BE enough
Every single fibre of my being tells me I’m ready to take on this step.
I’ve been ready for a long time, but still, I have more to prove.
I spent almost a year doing extra and everything in my power and beyond that
To Prove im ready for this.
That its why im figthing so hard.
But still not enough…
and by the time it is enough it will be too late…
I wish still that we lived in a world where we can trust the spoken word, and that’s enough, to give just that one chance.
Even if it might appear risky, what if it isn’t? A Risk?
How many years do I have to work just a little bit harder to prove myself?
I know its not as black and white as that.
But today the meeting with my family and the state, it felt like I was back with me foster parents.
Speaking up, but not being heard.
Being disregarded and almost reprimanded for not being enough, for not knowing better.
Today after all I’ve fought through, everything I’ve worked for. Today it didn’t matter.
Today it wasn’t enough.
So tomorrow I’m going to do what I do best.
And fight a little bit harder.
Even though I don’t need to.
Even though I know I am doing enough, but I still have a lot to prove.
With a past like mine, I can’t just do ordinary like everyone else.
I have to excel to shine a little bit harder.
Cause If I don’t, they will always fear that I fall back to my old ways.
Being the victim not the survivor.
All because back then when I grew up.
I only learned what the grownups taught me.
I learned to see the world in a twisted way, because I was living in a twisted world.
Put there safely by the State, who trusted they knew best for me.
Despite all the degrees they had, and healthy upbringings, didn’t care to double check if the family they put me in to really was a good place to be in, a safe place to be in for a child.
And I am still being punished for their mistake.
MissFaylyn out.
Have an amazing day.
Be your own unique self, and don’t ever let anyone stop you from being you.
For living life as you want
For loving the way, you want
I still believe we all carry a unique light inside, and that we don’t need to prove anything to be special, to be beautiful, to matter, and to be trusted.
Missfaylyn 