I’ve been thinking a lot about the reason why I chose to live half my life in the virtual gaming world, instead of living in the real world.
And I think to really emphasise what happened back then Ill start with a story.
What I will share today is something I’ve been ashamed of for years, a side of me that I wanted to stay hidden until today. Its time to speak out…
24 year old me after a night out
“Enough”
“I can’t take it anymore”.
“I hate who I am becoming”
Fay yelled out in frustration in her head.
For years she had been partying hard.
Too much alcohol, for too long.
Too many guys, to many hearts broken.
Too many embarrassing moments, where she had found herself sleeping in the gutters of the street, vomiting in her friends sink after she had embarrassed herself by dancing half naked on his table.
She still felt herself shaking.
Shaking because she craved alcohol.
She still craved that sweet escape from her thoughts and emotions.
When she was out drinking, everything went away.
Every bad thought
Every bad memory
Every overwhelming emotion got dulled out, she felt the sweet embrace of feeling numb for a while.
She felt herself just being happy, free.
But she had gotten too far.
So much so that she hardly recognised herself anymore.
She had been drinking almost every day, and she had reached the point when she woke up hungover, she didn’t feel joy over the evening before.
She only felt shame
Embarrassment.
She had woken up to a guy she couldn’t remember the name of, he looked at her adoringly, but she only felt guilt.
She remembered he was a sweet guy, caring, and seemed to genuinely like her.
But she knew she couldn’t give him what he wanted.
A relationship
She had gone home with him to forget, to live on the high, to escape the inner turmoil of her emotions and thoughts.
Her past still followed her.
Haunted her at night, in the morning, in the evening.
And the only thing that had helped drive the ghost of her past away, was alcohol, and live the high life.
To dance it away
To kiss a new guy at night.
To talk to strangers, and party all night long.
But she was tired now.
She knew she needed to find another escape from her thoughts.
Something healthier.
It was only a few months ago since her suicide attempt
The embarrassing night where she had found herself laying down in the middle of the street, in hopes someone would run her over with a car.
She didn’t really want to die, but every day the ghosts from her past, always caught up with her, and wrapped her mind in darkness.
Where she only felt pain, despair, and hopelessness.
She had no idea how to chase the ghosts away
She had no idea how to feel happy, to have hope for the future.
Every day felt like survival.
Every hour every minute, was just her trying to get through another breath.
That’s why she needed the high.
To make her life an eternal party.
With alcohol, music so loud she couldn’t think, and to feel a strangers embrace.
It was all to make her forget.
Forget the mess of her life.
To forget her lost dreams.
To forget her past
To forget her pain.
But she couldn’t go on like this anymore.
She hated who she was.
She hated how much it affected the people in her life.
How it affected the strangers she brought home.
She still remembered the guy, her friend, who had fallen in love with her, after she had kissed him one night.
He had written her the sweetest love letter.
When she had read it, she had cried. It was so beautiful so sweet, so filled with emotions.
And she felt so guilty and so ashamed when she had to turn him down.
She had no room for love in her life.
Not when she felt so broken by her past.
She was only trying to survive.
Now it was time to break away from this life and find something else.
Something healthier, something that could bring her the sweet forgetfulness she needed, but without becoming an alcoholic, without breaking people’s hearts, without her feeling a constant feeling of shame, and guilt every day.
A month later she started playing World of Warcraft a MMORPG game.
and for 14 years she played it every day
She had finally found the sweet escape she needed.
An escape that would drive her ghosts away, without her feeling any shame of guilt, and she slowly learned in the years to come, to love herself again.
To love who she had become instead, even though it drove her away from reality, she found herself in the virtual.
She found her strength, her drive, her motivation for life, and most importantly she found connection, love friendship.
From when I was around 18 to 24 years old, I lived with a constant battle inside myself.
I was suffering from PTSD, and other personality disorders, anxiety, depression, and I found an escape from all that in alcohol.
I found an escape in going out almost every night.
I found myself being a regular in town, and I was very close to becoming an alcoholic.
I knew it was time to quit, because I didn’t like who I was becoming in order to escape my own inner turmoil.
I knew there had to be another way, to live a better way.
My own thoughts and emotions where too overwhelming to try and unwrap and deal with, so I knew I had to find another escape, something that made me forget a little.
Because at the time, I needed it.
I had no idea how to heal from my past.
I did have professionals I talked to at the time, but I didn’t feel like it helped.
I couldn’t express to them how I was really feeling, and I didn’t really want too either.
So, I pretended I was okay, that I was happier than I was, stronger than I was, even though I felt more broken and depressed by the day.
When I started gaming my inner turmoil went away a little. I managed to forget and just be in the moment when I needed it.
And slowly over the years to come, I managed to slowly unwrap the emotions I hid in my box and learned to slowly deal with it day by day.
I learned to feel a flicker of hope again for my future.
I learned to love myself again
I had so much free time, so I could dive deeper into myself and learn about my shadow sides, and who I was and what I wanted in life.
The many years I spent gaming it gave me the time to fully heal from my past, to gain clarity and insight into myself.
I found myself reading about psychology and learned to use some of the tools I picked up so I could process my past in a healthier way.
So even though I ended up secluding myself from life outside of gaming, I am thankful that I had that time to heal.
I am proud of myself that I managed to escape the high life, the endless partying, when I realised it was more negative than it was good for me.
It was a hard decision because it did feel good, being out, but I also saw the damage it did to me.
Escaping my past wasn’t a way to continuously live.
I knew I had to eventually deal with my past, but I also knew I had to heal a lot of scars, I knew it would take time, and it helped taking it in small steps.
I am today 37 Years old, and I am still unwrapping my past slowly, and healing from it.
I have come a long way, and I am grateful that my years of being in the vitual gave me the time I needed to slowly mend and self reflect.
Now its time for me to break free from the vitual and get back to living in reality.
I still go out partying, but this time around when I wake up in the morning, I dont have hangovers, and I find myself smiling.
Smiling because I had a great evening with friends, where I can just dance and be in the moment, and embrace life in a healthier way.
I learned so much about myself that I can enjoy a night out without the need to escape anymore.
I still play online games, but I have learned that balance in everything is important.
Balance how much I play online games, that I also have time to be out in the real world.
Balance how much I party when I am out, and, for the right reasons, to have fun, not as an escape.
Ive learned that for me, I really needed an escape from thoughts and emotions when I was 20+ but alcohol wasnt the right escape.
Gaming felt healtier, because I gave myself the time and space to slowly unwrap when I felt ready for it. Slow tiny steps, but atleast I was at home, in a safe space.
I didnt have to deal with the constant feeling of shame and guilt, I felt when I was partying a little too hard.
It wasnt all bad, but Ive learned everything in life if you overdo it and for the wrong reasons, wont be a healthy aproach to it. Its all about balance, and moderation ive learned over the years.
Gaming saved me from myself, from my destructive path I was on, and I am forever grateful I made that decision to live so many years in the virtual, but im also grateful that I am living in the outside again.
That I can go out and have fun in a healthier way now.
so many years after.
This is the first time I feel ready to share this old side of myself.
It taught me a lot being out when I was 20 but I also felt so much shame and guilt for this lifestyle, but im thankful of the leassons it gave me, realising my shadow sides has helped me know myself better. Realising what is healthy and what is destructive.
I hope with this post to shine a light that sometimes when we feel we have to escape too many thoughts and emotions, that we can find a healthier way to do this.
A way that dosnt add to the negative, but instead gives us the peace and calm we crave to handle the emotions and thoughts in a safe space, in our own time.
Sometimes a little escape can be needed, especially if there is a lot of scars to heal.
and its okay to take small steps, to do it in your own time.
Thats what I learned from my own escape.
I hope you have a peaceful and calm day, with joy, happiness and a lot of laughter ❤
MissFaylyn out
Missfaylyn 