Welcome To my Head…

This is going to be a different post then I normally do.

This post I plan to make a future series off.

It’s about the thoughts and feelings roaming around in my head and body.

I at times have to write a mind dumb as a call it, so I both get it out there on paper, away from my mind, and also be able to reflect on how to approach all these feelings and thoughts that get a little too overwhelming.

Why am I sharing this?

Because you might also have these moments where you just feel so overwhelmed and you cant stop the thoughts and you feel like you are the only one.

Welcome to my head.

How I do I feel.

Anger.

Anger rising in my chest.

Clouds my head, can’t decipher my thoughts and feelings.

Too many, too much.

I just feel like screaming and screaming to never stop again.

Arrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhh………… Not loud enough, needs to be louder. LOUDER!

Let out the anger like the gas in a tank, or the air in a balloon about to burst. Let it out.

Music helps, angry heavy metal music. Keeps me calm so I don’t shout or hit my table.  

Why am I angry?

At myself because I feel powerless.

The silence around me is too deafening. I feel forced to stay silent, and I don’t want to stay silent, but if I don’t, I cause a riot.

I am angry because I can’t decide.

Too many choices, too much fun, beauty, possibilities.

Endless possibilities.

Which door do I pick?

What should I commit too when I feel like committing to everything.

But I can’t commit to everything.

I have to choose.

Chose, Choooose, CHOOOOSEEE.

I am angry at the world.

War, pain, anger, a lot of hurt around me.

In the news, on the streets, among people I care for, I want to heal, I want to give hugs, I want to help, but I’m powerless. I can only watch and try to smile, send a little light out and hope it’s noticed.

I just wish I could help.

I can’t get through the walls even though I’m out here banging on the door.

I’m angry that we all have walls, walls that are in the first built because of too much hurt.

We shouldn’t need walls, but strength isn’t valued by compassion and emotions, its valued by showing a front, a mask, and I see masks everywhere.

People in the streets, the news, sometimes my own family, sometimes I wear one too.

Why?

This makes me angry.

We are all human and its okay to be human, to cry, to feel, to rage, to be in pain, to be sad.

Sadness.

I feel it in my heart, and in my throat.

Like a small lump struggling to surface.

Too scared to come out

I try to coach it with music, I try to welcome it out, to release it.

But its stubborn today, it doesn’t want to move.

I don’t understand why I feel this sadness.

Why is it here?

I have nothing to feel sad about

Or do I?

Is my sadness or is it my empathy being annoying again.

I think its both.

I’m sad because I see sadness around me. Hidden among strangers, in people’s stories, in the news.

I feel sad because I’ve changed.

Not because I changed, but I see things clearer now.

I see the lonely girl siting in the chair, not realising she was sad.

I see years wasted on fear, and I feel regret.

I see a lot of endings, and I feel those endings still.

Friendships long gone; past possibilities too scared to take.

I have to put the past behind me, and move forward, but I still feel the sadness from the past, how can I deal with this?

Music helps, the lump moves more freely now to the surface.

Tears on my cheek, the lump feels smaller…

I remember the song of love I heard the other day.

The song that somehow made me cry, not because I was sad but because I felt love.

I remember that feeling and I sense hope.

Connection is still out there, so close but yet still so far away.

I am no longer the lonely girl sitting in my chair, I changed.

I feel love.

I feel it in the air, I feel it in the tree leaves, the ground beneath my feet when I walk, the sunrays on my skin.

In the double rainbow, in the squirrel in the tree, in the friendly hug from a dear friend, in the smile of a stranger, in the green eyes staring at me.

I feel it in my chest, like a warm blanket.

It makes my heart swell to double the size.

I didn’t know it could be this big.

I feel too open, too exposed, to much in my feelings.

I am not used to feeling love this powerful, this pure.

It feels like safety, comfort, beauty, in a million colours, so so pure.

It makes me smile.

My cheeks hurt from all this smiling.

I’ve been smiling for months now, is this natural? Like not just smiling because you feel happy, but the smile, where you feel like you can fly, like you can walk on water, like nothing can touch you, you radiate light and love constantly because this smile is so strong.

Its what love really feels like, and its all around me.

In nature, in the people I meet, inside myself. So strong so pure, so invincible, with deep roots planted inside my heart.

I feel fear.

What if…

I lose the things I gained.

What if I am too much

Too happy?

Too helpful?

Too caring?

It’s the first time I have no walls up, where I am 100 % myself, and let myself express myself.

I act on what I think and feel for the first time in a long time. Not ruled by fear, and then yet I can’t stop fearing if I am too much for people I care about.

Have I done something wrong?

Should I put a lid on some of myself?

Should I put up some of my walls?

I don’t want to

 It feels good being free and open, but what if I hurt, what if I overcloud, what if I leave no room for others around me, with my eccentric wild spirit.

Am I being too loving?

Is too much love a bad thing?

Do I care too much?

Is caring a bad thing?

I still remember people telling me this over my lifetime, and I never understood this.

How can you care too much?

Sharing my heart with others, in everything I do, makes me feel fulfilled, it makes my heart feel full.

I am addicted to watching the smiles and joy of others around me.

To see eyes light up with love, and joy.

I feel fear of losing what I have, because of the silence.

Of the unknown, of the mystery, of things never being said.

I feel it at the back up my head, like a thought that don’t want to go away.

The what ifs.

I know if I lose, I can gain again, and that I will be okay, but when you care, and love, you don’t want to lose. Not again, not yet.

I’ve already lost so much.

The dark thoughts talking.

Maybe the change in your life was just a phase.

Maybe you are destined to always try and fail, and never succeed.

Maybe you are destined to learn about pain for an eternity.

You are not enough

You are too sensitive

Tick tock, you already wasted half your life.

By playing it safe but being crippled by a fear that was all in your head.

Who do you think you are?

You are not special; you are not different.

You are just a little girl still, struggling to grow up.

You don’t matter.

You deserve the lonely.

Hey hey hey Fay!

Enough, you know that’s not true…

Positive self-loving thoughts talking

Fay, it’s okay to feel a lot right now.

A lot has changed and is still changing.

I am so proud of you, despite feeling a lot lately, and in the extremes, that you have managed to get up, go for walks and keep moving forward. I am so proud of you.

You are working hard for change, but you also need to give yourself a little break.

A break to breathe, a break to just feel those feelings, release them a little.

I have all the faith and love for you in the world.

You know I love you with all my heart. I will always be there for you; I will always be there to hold your hand.

You are so loved.

Loved by your family, your friends.

You got this girl.

You are so strong.

Yes, you feel, and wear your emotions on your sleeve, but even despite all the hurt in your past, you never ever closed that beautiful heart of yours.

It remained open, and you do all you can to share this beautiful heart with the world, and now yourself too.

Even when you don’t feel like you are moving forward, I have seen time and time again, that you moved miles.

When the night is dark you still feel that light in your heart, you still feel the love, you still see the beauty in the simplest of things.

This is your rare gift.

Its okay to feel overwhelmed

Its okay to feel human

Its okay to feel it all

Its okay to break down from time to time

But I have all the faith in the world that you will get far.

Just be that beautiful self.

Us humans aren’t alike, we all shine bright in our own unique way, all different, all special, and all loved.

Like a million colours shining up the bright sky, like every leaf looks the same, but is different.

We are never alone, even when we feel alone.

The smile from a stranger in the streets, is proof that you are never alone.

You got this girl.

Welcome to my head 😊

Yes, I feel a little overwhelmed at the moment, with a lot of thoughts and emotions in my head.

This always happens when there is a lot that’s changing, but its also a signal for me to slow down and feel.

Let it out, think it out loud.

So, what have I learned from this mind dump?

I have learned that my mind is struggling a little with the past.

I’ve been rewiring a lot of my old habits and thought patterns, but some of my old habits still try to cling on to the new.

I know this is normal, and I try to feel it and think it. Shine some light into this so I can reflect and feel what it really does to me.

And surprisingly I feel relief.

I am smiling right now after this mind dumb.

I know I am okay; I am on my way to a better version of my future; I am closing in on my dreams.

Taking that first step I needed, not ruled by the same fear anymore.

Its still there, but my self-loving voice is my guiding light.

It gives me the safety and comfort to feel and think, but also provides me with warmth and love.

How do I deal with all these emotions?

Listening to Music and writing down how I feel.

Walking outside in nature, and sometimes I dance.

It helps me feel what I need to feel, and to deal with my thoughts.

The reason why I call it a mind dumb, is when a feeling isn’t addressed and grows, and there is a lot of them, they feel a little too overwhelming.

And when it gets this far, I have to sit down, take a few days, and feel them through, so I can get into balance again.

Even though I feel this much at the moment I still manage to take a break from my emotions when I have too, and be able to function in the world, and I am endlessly proud of myself for that.

In the past I couldn’t do that, but by allowing myself to not fight my extreme emotions anymore, but address them, be open about them and release them in a safe space, with my music, I feel so much more emotionally healthy and balanced.

I still need some down time, take a pause and then tomorrow be my normal balanced self again.

I will write more of these mind dumps from time to time.

So, I can reflect on them myself when time goes by, but also in hopes that my letting you all into my head maybe you can take away that sometimes our head and hearts feel so full and overflowing with emotions and thoughts, and that’s okay.

But its just as important to think it, to feel it and to reflect, release and take a break if needed, so you can keep moving forward on that beautiful path of yours in life.

It’s important to remember we are humans, and its okay to have a day of emotions running wild.

I hope you have a beautiful morning, day, evening, night.

Missfaylyn out