Life is a beautiful thing, but it can also be one’s personal hell, but what if you find yourself feeling scared of the beautiful and instead find yourself thriving in hell?
The Tree That Inspired me
On my way home from my group meeting I saw this tree.
A few months ago, this was in full bloom.
Leaves covering every branch and some of the branches bearing fruit.
Beautiful red apples.
The leaves now had the colours of fall, red, yellow, but most of them now on the ground.
One side of the tree almost barren, and to me it looked like the beautiful tree was trying so desperately to hold on to the apples.
The fruit it had grown from scratch, nurtured, loved, care for.
These apples would soon fall to the ground, and the tree would be in the season of winter.
Barren, cold, empty.
When I saw this tree, it made me think of something, something I now see more clearly from a different perspective,
You see I’ve been this tree.
I have always been so desperately afraid of being happy for an extended period of time, especially If I would grow new fruit that I didn’t want to lose.
Friendships, relationships or when I started new projects, work, school.
I was scared, because I now felt like I had something to lose, and lose I always did.
Over the years of my life, since I can remember, I’ve lost a lot, and every time it felt like I lost more than the previous time.
Because of this feeling, I always felt a tinge of panic, when I had a great summer in my life.
Where everything just fit into place, and I started growing and blooming and growing new fruit.
Finding love, friendships, connections it could be anything.
I felt the fear, because I knew by instinct and experience that eventually I would lose this.
And I think because of this fear, I created my walls, I withdrew instead of having faith that I would be okay.
Because of this fear, I almost willingly self-sabotage everything I had gained.
By being in my eternal winter, it felt safer.
By being the barren cold tree, I couldn’t lose anything, because I had nothing to lose.
Pain, loneliness, anger, sadness was my constant companion and a familiar friend.
Being in love, feeling happy, proud, confident filled me with desperation and fear and even though it was a nice feeling to experience, especially after having been in the dark of winter for so long, it was an unwelcome friend, because this I knew would eventually bring me to my knees again, feeling empty.
I used to compare my life to the seasons.
I knew when I was in summer, and I knew when it started to be fall, and I felt the embrace of the cold of winter approaching.
Spring always felt like renewed hope, and for this reason it’s still my favourite season, but especially my mental favourite season
Feeling hopeful again was always a nice feeling to have, especially since it felt like an innocent feeling.
It wasn’t there to harm me; it instead was there to motivate and inspire me that things could be better.
In my 30’ies Something Shifted
Over the years after my 30th birthday, I started to have less winters in my life, and my summer period would last longer, so it was easier to open up, have faith that everything would be okay, and I wouldn’t necessarily lose all that I had gained.
Some friendships remained, even through the dead of winter.
Some projects and hobbies still filled me with inspiration when I was in the dark and brought with it a little bit of light into my life.
Because of this I slowly shifted my view away from feeling eternally cursed, to live a life a queen of winter and in my own personal hell.
Today I realised this fear, this desperation is gone.
And it’s a weird feeling.
Realising its missing.
I think I finally understand.
Yes, I might lose everything I’ve gained today. My tree in full bloom, might lose its leaves and its fruit, I might be an empty cold tree again, but that’s okay.
Because I know that it will be spring again, and I just pick myself up and move towards that light again.
I understand now that when you lose something beautiful in your life, its not a bad thing. It happens.
It’s a good thing that I had it in my life in the first place. The memories I got, the feeling of joy, love, happiness, fulfilment, and connection.
I appreciate the beauty of it all now, I don’t fear it anymore.
I also realised that everything in my life has taught me important lessons.
The dark taught me strength, and endurance.
The light taught me to hope, and to keep an open heart. To have faith and trust.
It taught me self-love, and the feeling of being confident, and so much more.
I am not scared of losing anything anymore, because if I could gain it in the first place, I can gain it again.
I also realised that even though I felt empty barren cold, in the dead of winter, that I wasn’t those things.
I hadn’t lost everything.
I still had myself.
I still had my family
I still had hope, even the smallest flicker of it.
Growing in selflove has been the reason why I don’t feel that fear anymore.
I know that I will never ever lose myself.
I will always love myself, be my best friend, me my biggest support system, and my own teacher, I will always be okay.
And that lights up the darkness in places I never thought possible.
It’s the fall season, and I am proud to say that with winter coming soon, I am smiling.
For the first time in many years, I look forward to the winter season, because I always carry summer in my heart now.
I have a lifetime of memories in my heart of every summer in my life, and you see its worth embracing as a true and dear friend. Just like I would embrace winter, summer now walks hand in hand with me as well.
I have balanced the seasons in myself, and I just let life happen.
I can’t control life and what happens in it, but I can control how I deal with everything that comes my way, I can control my own emotions and thoughts, and I can control giving myself the time and rest I need when its downhill, and the self-love I daily practise.
Have a beautiful October day…
MissFaylyn out
Missfaylyn 