99 % time spent in my room for the last 15 years.

For 15 years I spent around 99 % of my life in one room, and I had no idea of this long-term affect on me.

I had no idea of how lonely I felt, I had no idea that it would cause a lot of anxiety and a lot of inner turmoil until this happened.

Story time.

It was time to see my mentor again.

I meet up with him weekly at my place, to talk about my wellbeing.

I proudly showed him what I had been up to this week, the videos I created, my work on my new schedule for the month.

Until he said

“Fay I want to talk to you about this group I think you should attend.“

“It’s a group I think you would be happy in”.

“It’s a place where you can meet likeminded people and do fun things together.”

I instantly felt a tinge of panic.

A group, out there in the world again?

What ifs started to penetrate my mind, and a chill ran down my spine, but then something strange happened.

I also felt curiosity.

I knew I had lived almost half my life surrounded by the same walls, and I knew I had some valid reasons for this, but having lived this way, I also realised the last few years, I had felt the hollow feeling in my chest.

Of something missing in my life.

I felt an overwhelming amount of loneliness.

I craved connection and meaningful interactions.

I had attempted to fill this void online, in my gaming communities, and for years yes It satisfied it, but what I was starting to miss was the hugs.

Looking into a friend’s eyes, and just being in the same room again, I couldn’t remember that feeling.

That’s when I knew I had to do what I normally wouldn’t and say yes, rather than too quickly say I can’t.

Over the next few days, I felt scared, anxious, but also started to feel thrilled, curious, excitement, and I knew that it was time.

Time to be brave, to put my past experiences behind me, and live a little uncomfortably again.

And I will never regret this decision.

For 15 years I’ve been living isolated in my room.

Isolated from the world around me

Avoiding going outside.

I buried myself inside the world of online gaming and I felt comfortable for years.

I experienced a lot of great things doing this.

I developed friendships across countries.

I had long distance relationships

I learned a lot.

But…

I never realised until today how living this way affected my mental health and my psychical health negatively.

Why did I choose isolation in the first place?

When I was around the 24 years old, I was a completely different person that I am today.

I had a lot of past traumas that wasn’t healed.

My mental health wasn’t great.

I didn’t have self-worth

I was out partying every chance I got, to drink myself into oblivion and numbness most of the time.

I did a lot of things I wasn’t proud of, and one day it all became too much.

Life became too hard, and I needed a break.

So, I started to game, and I played religiously every single day.

I lost contact with all my friends but gained new friends online.

I stopped believing I could work for a living because of my mental health, so instead I found purpose and meaning in the online game I played, where I constantly worked on my gaming skills.

I felt this was the only thing I could achieve in life, to be a great gamer.

I started to go out less and less, and the years went by.

In the beginning I felt shame for playing so much.

It was hard to tell my old friends why I didn’t go out more, but the more time passed, the harder it became going outside my door.

I felt worthless in the real world but felt different in the online world.

In the virtual I felt stronger, braver, I was socialising, I was having fun.

Then 3 years ago, something happened to me.

I started to feel purpose in life again.

I started to dream about my future

I started to see myself in another light.

I started blogging and making my videos on you tube.

I no longer felt worthless.

My self-worth I’ve been working on since I was 30, and I can finally say that I have grown my tree.

My tree being my self-worth.

I have tended and nurtured it and given it unconditional love.

A love that I never gave myself when I was younger.

I felt more confident and balanced, but something was missing, and I couldn’t place what it was.

I started to feel lonelier.

The same feeling, I used to get playing online wasn’t enough for me anymore.

I craved more connection.

I had noticed that I had issues going out.

That I still felt anxious and too overwhelmed.

I hated going outside my door because I felt so uncomfortable all the time.

I always just told myself I chose to be at home, that it made me happy, and I needed the alone time.

I was just a full-time gamer and lived a different life than others.

But in my heart, I felt the empty.

In my chest that hollow feeling.

I felt my desperation when I talked to a new person online, and then the disappointment when it didn’t give me the connection I needed.

My view on the world outside was all messed up.

I at the time saw the world being too uncomfortable, too cold.

I hated my own country for years, and eagerly wanted to forget the language.

My teenage and young adult years had been nothing but pain, anger, and alcohol, and I didn’t have many good memories.

So, of cause my view on the outside brought me a sense of fear and discomfort.

Before I talked to my mentor, I knew I had to change my life.

I now had a clear direction of what I wanted my future to look like.

I wanted to make videos, write, make my own business one day.

And I knew I had to get used to socialising more.

Maybe even start traveling one day.

So, my motivation to get out there again, away from my room and into the world, was to further my dreams.

But I never realised how much this decision changed me until day.

I see clearly now.

I see what I was missing.

I see the damages to my mental health that I stayed so isolated for so many years.

I’ve also learned so much about myself that I never thought was possible.

Going from hating my own country, feeling this overwhelming loneliness every day, and being anxious and stressed going to the shops for groceries.

I now feel alive for the first time in a decade, and a newfound pride for my city and my country.

I feel I am 20 again, and the world around me lighting up.

My heart is so full, that I found myself dancing on the train station platform before I went to my group meeting today.

Going from only seeing the virtual world and my room, to then go out in nature, hang out with my new friends at a café, my life feels like magic.

I see beauty and life everywhere.

I feel connected and in balance.

And I now see so clearly that what I thought for so many years was a great life, really was a starved life.

Starved from human connection, and new experiences.

I’ve realised more than ever, that just because something feels new and scary that it isn’t worth trying.

Yes, it might be a bad experience, but it might also change your life into something better, something more beautiful.

I am a changed woman, and I have promised myself from this day forward, to always try new things, before I judge, before I so eagerly say no, before I avoid.

And I’ve realised why we really need human connection.

What this does to your life, wellbeing both physical and mental health.

By getting a feel of connection again, I have healed more scars, overcome more fears in 3 months then I have by living isolated in my room trying to avoid life.

I’ve realised we need new experiences to grow, to feel a sense of happiness, a sense of purpose.

But most of all we all really need more hugs in our lives.