Finding the small Flicker of light in the Dark…

I’ve been beaten down by life several times, and every single time it felt like there was no way out of that darkness.

Every time I was so sure this was the end, and nothing would ever be good again.

That I had reached the peak of life and there was only one way out…Death.

And every time I felt this level of despair and out of any hope, I found a small flicker of light in the dark, that would slowly guide me back into the light of life.

Today I want to write about these small things that kept me from being stuck in the dark.

My monkey

When I was a teenager I lived in the weekdays at my foster parents, and during this time since I can remember, I was sexually and mentally abused by them.

Every day felt like a battle for sanity, every day didn’t feel safe, and every day I struggled hard to keep the mask on I was showing the world.

A happy smile to keep strangers and people around me from noticing something was wrong.

I wanted so badly to find an escape, to find peace, and to feel just a little bit safe again.

One night I remember I was lying in bed, praying so hard for my family and friends, praying for the world, and praying for safety, praying for the abuse to stop, and my gaze suddenly fell upon my monkey, a teddy bear that my mom had given me when I was very young.

Im not sure what came over me, but I picked up my teddy bear, and held it tight, and felt a sudden feeling of safety.

That even though I never felt safe in the world, this felt safe, this was safety.

Just holding this teddy bear so tight.

From that day on, I always had my teddy bear with me, every time I would travel. It would always be with me in my baggage, and today the same teddy bear sits on top a table and guards my room. I still find safety in holding this bear tight, I still find that comfort. I still find that light it provided so long ago when I was a teenager.

My hamster

The first time I tried to take my own life, is a moment I never ever forgot.

It had been a crazy year.

A year with PTSD, constant nightmares, a trial against my foster father that had gotten bad, and left me forever distrusting the legal system, the same system that put me into foster care in the first place. I was angry, I was hurt, I was sad, but still I had to put my feelings into a box and try to move on from my past, not knowing the scars that where still not healed.

My boyfriend who had been a huge support this whole time. Been behind me and my best friend, and biggest support system, he had broken up with me, after having cheated on me.

I felt I had nothing left. I felt broken, abandoned, and lonely.

I felt like people where better of without me here, that my family and friends I had left would feel happier without me, so I considered taking my own life, and while I was staring at the glass of pills in my hand my gaze fell upon the little light in the darkness.

My dwarf hamster climbing the bars like a little monkey. I had never seen him do this, and I was first in shock that he even managed to do this.

His little claws swinging from bar to bar, like a monkey.

I suddenly burst out laughing, and I laughed and laughed for a while.

I had snapped out of the darkness in an instant, and suddenly realised even though life felt so incredible dark and hard at that moment, this little light of a hamster still managed to brighten up my world, enough to guide me away from the dark and into the light again.  

Years later

The Food Buff In world of Warcraft

I was turning 31 and I had recently lived several years being too scared of life, so much so that I had so much anxiety that I couldn’t go shop for groceries.

I was diagnosed with several personality disorders and had no idea how to escape the welfare system.

I had no idea who I was anymore, what I wanted, and I felt everything was a constant struggle.

I had recently gotten out of a relationship that had been extremely taxing on both me and my ex’s mental health, and after years of never being alone I was now sitting in my room all alone, in front of my computer.

A month after our breakup I had fallen in love with a guy online and felt a tinge of hope for more in life, but my crush had at first reciprocated my feelings and then a few days later shattered it by saying that we couldn’t be together, because he couldn’t live with someone who lived on welfare.

That had left me feeling more worthless than I had felt before.

Day after day I logged into my favourite game and stood on a hill with my character, just watching people talk in game.

I stood there for hours and hours on end, and just listened to music, trying to let the days pass so I would eventually feel the sunshine on me again.

One day it was my birthday and one of my friends in game, got up to where I stood and told me that he wanted me to show me something.

I smiled in game, though I was crying behind the screen.

The next minute I saw him put down in game food down in a shape of my name and wished me a happy birthday.

This little thing happened so fast, but it made me realise.

This small kindness snapped me out of the darkness I found myself in.

It showed me that there where still a flicker of hope, there was kindness from strangers all around me, and it gave me the bravery to face life again, be brave enough to go outside my door, and move towards the light again.

The light : A song from Disturbed.

This moment is still fresh in my heart, and this song because of it has become my favourite song of all times.

I had just gotten out of a long-distance relationship that had lasted for 4 years.

He was my best friend, my world, and a person I had talked to every single day.

Our relationship was amazing but was also filled with a lot of grief.

My mental health still wasn’t great, and I had no hope of getting well enough to move over to the UK to be with him.

He was young and had his own reasons for not being able to move to Denmark for me, so even though we had made the long-distance work in the end it had been too taxing.

It had hurt too much traveling so rarely to see each other and for so little.

So, we had ended up fighting and arguing more, until one fateful day and we broke up.

A few days later we got back together, but then I had my doubts.

I still loved him, but it just hurt too much. I was so scared of being hurt again. The pain of the breakup was still fresh, and it just felt off.

So, I did something I ended up regretting.

I talked to a friend of mine who had been my friend for the last 12 years at the time, and he told me that he had a crush on me, that he had had a crush on me for all those years. He had wanted to tell me, but I was never single, so he never found the right time. He couldn’t keep it in anymore, so he decided to tell me now.

First, I turned him down, but then doubts and confusing feelings came up. I felt love, I felt anger, I felt pain, I felt heartbroken, I felt happy when I talked to him, so I thought I returned those feelings.

In fact, I realised after it was too late that I didn’t, not the way I thought I did.

(It still confuses me today my feelings that day)

I told my boyfriend that I had fallen for my friend and that I was sorry, and the way he cried left me even more heartbroken. I had hurt the person I loved so much, so deeply and after that day, for months, I have never ever in my life felt so disgusted by my actions.

I have never hated myself more, I have never felt more shame.

I told my “crush” the news and stopped talking to anyone for weeks on end.

During this time, what snapped me out of the darkness, was this song.

I realised that yes, I felt bad, I was heartbroken, I felt broken yet again, but I suddenly remembered the moments in my life where that little light had shown me the way out of the dark.

I realised I wasn’t perfect and that all I could do was keep trying, keep learning and one day I would eventually be in the light again, and this time, I would be able to find the light faster in the next dark moment in my life.

I realised I had survived so many dark moments in my life.

I realised my inner strength.

I learned to find that flicker of light, to guide me back to life every time.

Realising this gave me the comfort I needed, and today I no longer sit long in the dark, because I immediately find that small light when I look around my room.

My monkey protecting me still, providing safety.

The light song by disturbed that provides me with strength and hope.

And when I need to laugh to snap back into reality I think of my hamster.

When I forget what kindness looks like, and I feel lonely, I remember an old friend writing my name in food buffs within a game I love.

These small moments are moments I never ever will forget.

Its moments that have taught me a lifetime of lessons.

Its more of these small moments I look for when I feel down.

It’s what helps me to look at life in a more positive way, and it gives me the strength to carry on when life is tough.

I’m pretty sure these small moments saved my life several times over.

I haven’t been in the dark for several years in the same way, and I truly believe it’s because of the lessons I was taught about, how to look for the small flicker of light in the dark to guide you back into the sun again.

To have faith that when everything feels really dark that it won’t last forever.

To find strength enough to move when it’s tough and when it feels pointless or hopeless.

To find compassion and small acts of kindness around you.

To find a reason to smile and laugh when all you feel like is crying or give up.

Do you have small moments, memories or people who helped provide you with the light that you needed to escape those dark moments in your life?

Feel free to share…

MissFaylyn out…
May you have Love, Light and Kindness every day in your life ❤