From Fear to the Feeling of Empowerment…

I realised something today talking to my dearest Friend, and because of this realisation I’m dedicating this blog post to her.

Jessy This is for you, love you girl.

I’ve always been anxious about certain things in my life. It’s things that where a big nuisance to me, and something that I always felt shame being anxious about.

The Phone:

When I was a child, and still lived with my foster parents, every time I would speak with someone over the phone, my foster mother would tease me with how I introduced myself, she would then berate me to speak up and louder and speak my name clearly.

This small thing always made me feel insecure when I would speak with someone over the phone.

I would hyperfocus on how I was talking, and I always felt I was stumbling over my words, and it was never good enough.

This followed me through adulthood, so much so that I have always avoided picking up when someone calls me, even more so when I felt more anxious about every other thing in my life.

I often felt shame for not being able to pick up the phone and even as an adult I made my mom pick up the phone or make calls for me.

Until recently this last year, a lot has changed for me.

And I found myself picking up the phone and talk to a telemarketer, and also being able to refuse what he was trying to sell me.

This small feat was an impossible task for me years ago, and I was shocked of how much I had changed.

I didn’t feel shame anymore, I didn’t feel it as something uncomfortable anymore. I realised that this small trigger from my childhood was no longer relevant, and I had gotten over this little thing.

My body image:

I recently made a post about beauty and how this was a curse for me growing up.

Its normally a nice thing feeling beautiful and taking care of how you look, being able to wear fancy clothes, jewellery, and a bit of makeup. The feeling of being comfortable in your own body and feeling attractive.

Because of the wrong kind of attention, I got as a teen being considered too beautiful, this was always something I was uncomfortable with.

I down dressed as much as I could for any occasion, and I gained weight not because it felt good, but as a shield against those who would find me too beautiful and give me that wrong kind of attention.

I also wanted people to see me not for how I looked, but for me, my personality.

Only problem was I wasn’t comfortable or happy in my own body.

I secretly wanted to feel beautiful for myself, wear skirts, dresses, dress up, just for me.

But this was something that always brought a sense of fear for me.

Having been sexually abused, and the occasional slap in the ass by strangers, or being called inappropriate names related to beauty, looking pretty became too hard, too scary and felt out right wrong.

Instead, I felt safe in my neglected body, not caring about my hair, skin, teeth or weight, because it felt safer that way. I became more invisible.

Today its different. I now feel able to say a firm no when people overstep my boundaries, I know that the people in my life sees me for me, not for how I look. I’m no longer just the pretty girl, as I felt I was, growing up.

So today I feel its time, time to get back into shape, to get back into my old body again. To wear dresses, skirts and embrace my beauty for me, and just for me. I no longer need that extra shield, and no longer try to dress down if I put some makeup on.

I still need to learn a few things about skincare, healthcare, and what style of clothes I like, and so much more, but this doesn’t bring me fear anymore, just excitement to learn something new.

Being alone in the streets with a drunk man.

This happened to me today.

I was walking down the street on my way home, early morning, and a guy clearly very drunk asked me where the train station was, I pointed ahead and he asked if it was left, I said no its right ahead. He then got angry and became a little inappropriate.

If this happened to me a few years ago, I would have bolted and run back into the safety of my home, fearing the worst. It would trigger moments in my past, that I would have to tend to, mend and heal at home for a week or a month depending on my anxiety level at that time.

Today It felt different.

I shrugged my head but wasn’t afraid.

To be sure I was okay, I told myself lovingly. “You are okay, you are safe” and I felt myself smiling.

I trust myself more in those random situations. I know the difference when I’m safe and when I’m not safe.

I used my logical mind in this situation, even though it was a bit weird what happened, there was no danger here. It was just a slightly drunk man, who where a little confused and frustrated about this.

Being able to be logical about a situation that would normally cause a lot of fear in me, is different, but also reminds me of how much I’ve grown. How much I trust myself, my own strength, and my logical sense.

I understand now that sometimes things happen to you, and you can’t control that, but you can control how you deal with those situations, how you handle it.

And I am able to give myself the necessary self-care today.

I have tended my roots and grown my tree and feel planted solid to the ground, so when things shake me in my life, I trust that I won’t fall down.

I know I am safe, loved, and okay, no matter what happens in my life, and that little change made me strong enough to feel how I felt today with this little random encounter.

When a new crush arises

A little crush can feel truly magical.

The jittery happy feeling you walk around with all day.

The butterflies when you see the person in question.

And when this crush is reciprocated, and turns into a new budding relationship, it can feel just as great maybe even more.

But for me this also brought a sense of fear to me.

A fear that diminished this happy fuzzy feeling quickly, that at times would turn this first experience with a new person into something sour.

It’s a fear rooted from experiencing countless heartbreaks and being cheated on.

That it would eventually happen again.

Fall in love, being cheated on, being heartbroken, on repeat.

That’s not a nice feeling to have when you realised you have a crush.

I have a little crush today, and it does give me that fluffy happy feeling, but the fear isn’t there any longer.

By realising that bringing a bit of logic into the mix of emotions flying high right now, brings a sense of calm and feeling safer in that feeling of experiencing a crush.

Being able to choose whether to act on this crush or have it fizzle out, gives me a sense of control over my experience with love.

To feel safe enough to take it slow, so I can eventually decide where I want this to go, and if it feels good and right in a month as well or if its not going to work out.

Just by realising I have this power to choose, makes love feel safe again.

That I wont loose myself too much just riding the wave of love and feeling of a crush.

In my time being single, I have learned a lot about myself, I’ve learned that new experiences wont necessarily end up in disaster and a lot of heartbreak. I have a say in this, it’s not something that just happens, and only happens to me because I’m cursed, as I used to think when love ended badly.

Realising I don’t need to rush love just based on how I feel today, is freeing.

I can take my time, to think, to contemplate, to feel if I am ready or not, and if it doesn’t go where I would want it to go tomorrow, then that’s okay too.

I know ill be okay single, and I’m very capable of feeling fulfilled, loved, and cared for on my own

So, there are no reason to fear love, there are no reason to fear what’s coming tomorrow, and in realising this I can enjoy today. I can smile and just be in that magical feeling of a crush.

Fear of Failure.

Since I was young, I wanted to be perfect.

I wanted to please everyone around me and to be considered not just good enough but perfect at everything I did.

This brought a lot of pressure into my life.

Pressure that would weigh me down year after year, trying so hard to achieve perfect and never being able to even be close to the standard I had set for myself.

Making mistakes or failing at something would bring a storm of negative invading thoughts that would drive me deeper down into that hole I dug for myself, and I would sit and wallow for years in that hole, blaming myself for all of it.

Never feeling good enough or deserving of anything good in life because I wasn’t perfect.

Until one day something happened.

In the game I love playing, world of warcraft and I was playing with 19 other people, attempting to defeat a boss.

I had been assigned a role, a role that I failed massively, not just in front of those 19 people, but in front of my friends watching my stream, and others who where watching my stream at the time.

I didn’t just fail once

I failed over and over again, and my failures where clipped, laughed at, and ridiculed.

I felt so ashamed, and I did what I have always done.

I logged off and cried.

Hard and heavy.

I almost walked into that hole of shame and intending to give up playing my favourite game altogether.

Then something different happened.

Instead of being sad and blaming myself over and over for my failures, I got angry.

I go so angry I found myself compiling those clips into a video and posted it on you tube.

I still can’t answer why I did this, to be laughed at even more, but I think something just clicked in my mind and I realised this.

“So, what if I made a mistake, I am NOT perfect and I will never be, but maybe I can turn this into a good thing, instead of blaming myself, I can laugh at myself in a positive light and instead of giving up I can get up and try again, until I will defeat this boss”

And that’s how my brand MissFaylyn was born (Miss failing)

Now I celebrate my failures; I learn from them, and I am more motivated to work harder so I can succeed instead of failing at something.

I’ve learned that I will never be perfect, but in just being persistent in the things I love doing is enough for me.

By doing I automatically learn, and improve my skills, so yeah, I’m not going to be perfect, but I will eventually become really good at the things I practise.

All of these things I have in time turned around from fearing them to eventually feel safe enough and comfortable in it instead.

It’s a testament to how much I’ve learned and improved over the years, and I am proud of myself for this.
Not only am I proud but I feel empowered.

I know with my whole being that when other things arise that I have a hard time doing or that brings fear, that I will one day overcome this, and be fine with.

To realise I am not set in my ways.

My triggers from my past wont always be triggers in the future.

And realising this I feel strong, it fills me with confidence, and I feel empowered.

I am okay, I am changing every year, I am strong, I am loved, and I am cared for.

I absolutely got this.

Yes, some things take years to heal or work through, but the road is the same, eventually the difficulties in your life changes, the fear gets replaced with a sense of calm and safety.

And turns into something beautiful instead.

Empowerment.

Have a wonderful evening, morning, day…

MissFaylyn out ❤