In The Calm, A Storm is Brewing

I’m changing and changing rapidly.

Almost everything in my life is changing and to the extremes.

Its healthy and really good changes, that feel rewarding, and makes me feel a sense of calm and happiness I haven’t felt before.

But in the calm, there is also a storm brewing.

A storm that could threaten most of the changes I’ve made happen recently.

6 months ago, and years before that I was used to spending around 90 % of my time when I was awake on the computer. I hardly moved from my chair, I ate unhealthily, I slept badly and even though I was socialising online, I was pretty much living a life a hermit.

I knew I had to create some big changes in my life.

I knew I had to work hard on getting healthier and go out more.

I knew the dangers I was facing if I stayed on the path of a sedentary life.

My health slowly declining, and properly my mental health as well.

But making this change wasn’t easy. I often tried to change how I was sleeping, eating and my lack of doing any psysical activities. At times I changed it a bit, but would always eventually go back to my old unhealthy habits.

I knew I had to make a change that would stick this time, and my motivation for all this is my future.

I want to work harder on my dreams, and to do this I need a rhythm to my daily life.

I knew If I had to achieve any of this, I would have to make sacrifices, but not too big sacrifices where it would feel like a punishment, changing my habits.

So, what could I sacrifice away from my life? What could I put on pause?

I took one hard look at my day-to-day life and realised I had to cut the endless entertainment stream out of my life and cut it down to occasional fun.

So, choosing not to spend all my time gaming, but try to divide it.

And it worked.

I came up with a plan, and every month I stuck to it.

Today I now sleep eat exercise, socialise and so much in between that, that’s all super healthy and good for me.

There is only one problem.

I wanted to change to have more time and commitment to work on my you tube channel, but every month I found small new goals I wanted to do, and those small goals fills my schedule, so it feels like I have less time, then I intended to have.

I’ve realised I’m a bit of an overachiever, and I want to do everything, and I want to do it now.

Patience is not my strong suit.

So, if I don’t want to end up in storm that shakes the tower I’ve already built with care, it will end up toppling over and I would have to start over again.

I’ve realised

I set my goals too high and too fast when I’m in the zone of change.

So how can I set a balance that works for me, so I don’t end up straying from the path I’ve worked so hard to be on.

One of the things I’ve learned recently is that if you want to change something, its about developing a healthy habit for it.

And you do this by choosing one thing you want to change and then take small steps towards this every day.

Being the overachiever I am, of course I have 3 main things I want to maintain and balance.

And this is

• My health – My goal is next year I want to have a healthy normal BMI. Currently I am a BMI of 32.9 so to get down to under the 25 I have to put it some work towards this, and my current plan is working, and I love working on it. I simply just do 10000 steps a day and try to control my portions. This is not something I want to give up since I feel healthier already and have so much energy to burn throughout the day. It also makes me happier and fuels me with inspiration and ideas for my future videos.
• Socialising outside of the computer – this is a most for me, I need the small experience I get sitting on a cafe talking to new people, I need to go out and see the world around me, to not end up a hermit again. This improves my mental wellbeing massively, and also gives me the extra steps I want to do in a day.
• This last step is the most important one to me. It’s the reason I wanted to change in the first place. It’s the main motivator for all of it. And its time to make my videos, and it’s the one I find the hardest to do at the moment. And its only because of all the other small things I do instead throughout the day, thinking I have enough energy for it when I get home, every day.

Overstimulation is my biggest issue. I notice its there, I feel its presence throughout my day, the burden on my back that feels a bit heavier every day.

But do I take a break too breathe?

No, I push on, because everything I do every single day, feels so amazing, new, and great.

And it’s really hard saying no to things you love doing.

I got opportunities right now that I could pursue.

My mentor wanted me to make a job application, and this fills me with excitement, but also fear. This has been my biggest dream for years to start working again, to be self-sufficient, but I know from experience that if I start something like that again it matters a great deal where it is, what the hours will be.

Being a highly sensitive person with a lot of baggage, makes it hard for me to do a 9 – 5, even if its something I absolutely love, even if the people there are the sweetest, and the work I do is something that is fun and rewarding.

I simply get too overstimulated, and I still need practising providing myself with a calm surrounding when this feels too much.

When I’m overstimulated, it builds up, slowly at first then builds up and can end up crippling me, and then I burn out.

I want to catch this before it happens next time, and that’s why I am slowly realising that its time to slow down again before I experience a total burnout.

The best job I realised years ago, would be from home. I knew this instinctively when I was a teenager, and that’s why I knew I wanted to one day write books and make my income that way.

That dream changed into something else when I fell in love with editing, so I know creating videos is my chance to get myself out of stagnation.

I know myself well now, and I know I burn bright and fast for the things I love, but if I don’t take a bit of care, then my light will dimmer just as quickly as it started burning, only because I always want to do 20 things instead of just deep focussing on one thing at a time.

With my you tube channel I’m also facing one of the biggest changes since I made my channel 3 years ago.

I have to change my direction entirely, and one of the biggest reasons I haven’t made videos for a while, is because it’s so damn hard letting go of something I’ve loved for years.

World of Warcraft was one of the things I decided to cut away from my schedule, and it was what I was making videos about.

I chose to cut this out, because of one main reason. I can’t find enough hours in the day to make the videos I wanted to make, which was competitive mythic + videos.

Trying to do the practise, find a team and then work on the videos, I knew it would take all my time. I attempted to make more casual videos for the game I love, but it simply wasn’t that interesting to me.

So, I knew I had to make a choice, and this choice I’m still struggling with today.

What else would I love making videos about?

I have 2 main interests that’s not world of warcraft.

And its sims 4 and Mental Health.

These 2 subjects I have 30 + video ideas for, and its so hard to choose between them.

One day I decide on doing sims 4 videos, the next its mental health, and so on.

I have always hated making choices between things I love, I would rather be able to do it all, but I know to well from experience, there is no chance in hell I have time or the energy for that.

Maintain 2 channels, alongside my health and social life.

So, I have to choose one, and I also have to cut down on the other activities I do every day, so yes, the next few weeks I need to put myself into a state of self-reflecting and make a choice and stick to it.

I know if I don’t, I’ll end up feeling more and more frustrated, because not making videos right now feels like I’m not getting any water or the air I need.

I need to feel creative; I need to work on my hobby, and I need to keep working towards my dream.

In all the changes happening in my life, I feel great but also feel it’s happening too fast.

I have changed so drastically and with a fire so bright, that I hardly recognise myself.

Its generally a good thing, I haven’t felt this happy and confident in years, and most of the changes has been easy, but I also know I need to slow down just a tad, so I don’t bring down a storm on my beautiful tower I’ve built.

I got some work to do and a few things to postpone, or stop focusing so hard on.

I am more determined then I have been of achieving my dream, but if I don’t start it will never happen.

The funniest thing, I know once I really start I will succed. I am confident enough of my abilities, and to make use of the many hours of learning resherch and practise ive gotten the last 3 years.

I just need to maintain that healthy balance so I dont burn myself out before I even start.

I need to learn that just because I sacrifice something out of my life right now dosnt mean i cant pick it up later at a later time.

I have been learning a bit about productivity and learning how to priotize what needs to be priotized, and thats why one of the things I can’t give up is working on my health and being a bit more social.

I also know fine well once I start working on my new you tube channel that I will have to maintain a healthy balance between work and rest, and not overwork myself as I usually do.

I admire the people who can maintain a full time job, with a side job and also being able to maintain their health, and work on healthy relations with friends, family.

Maybe one day I can teach myself to be that time efficiant, if I can just balance the feeling of overwhelm to a minimum.

But until then I have to keep making the hard choices in my life, to stay on the healthy and rewarding path I’m on right now.

Until next time…

I wanted to write about something else this week, but this is the only thing that fills my mind at the moment, my frustration of not being able to make any new videos.

I do have one victory this week and that is the amount of exersice ive been doing.

Going from 200 steps last year on a daily basis to achieving a minimum of 10000 steps every day has been great. By making this change, I feel so much healthier, and full of energy.

I learned I found a forgotten love for exersice, and its something that I feel confident enough about that I’ll maintain.

Have an amazing night, day and morning 🙂

Missfaylyn out ❤