The Longest I’ve ever been single.

How has it been like?

My last relationship was over 2 and a half years ago, and for many this isn’t a long time to be single, but for me, it’s a lifetime.

Since I was 17 and until today, at an age of 37 I’ve jumped from one relationship to another.

Never allowing myself to be single for more then a few months.

It wasn’t because I was scared of being alone, that I ended up so quickly in another relationship.

My problem has been I fall in love easy.

Even though it’s a great feeling being in love and in a new relationship, it can also be a bad idea sometimes to jump straight into a committed relationship.

Especially if you have some things that needs to be worked on.

For me coming from a lifetime of bad stuff, I had a lot of healing to go through.

Abonnement issues, abuse in my childhood, unfaithful partners and the list goes on.

For my own self-esteem and self-worth, I had none when I turned 30, and its something I’ve been working on very hard since then.

But being in a relationship, I always found myself loosing more of myself.

Being an eternal people pleaser, I would compromise and give too much out of myself, and when eventually the relationship took a toll on me and my partner at the time, we ended it.

Instead of giving myself time to self-reflect, a few months later a new sweet guy stood in line to be my new partner.

Yep and no surprise there a few years after that relationship would fail too.

So around 2 and a half years ago I made a choice.

Enough is enough and it was time to start healing those scars I’ve ignored for too many years.

It was’nt easy.

First 6 months after the breakup I was still healing after the breakup.

I’ve experienced a lot of painful moments in my life, but breakups have always been the worst pain to go through, and this last one hadn’t ended well, with a lot of unanswered questions.

I felt more alone than I’ve ever felt in my life.

At the same time, I also lost a few of my friendships and was mourning that too.

I was oh so tempted to find love again to end that loneliness I felt.

But I was determined to find a way that worked so I could stay single and happy.

To not let myself delve to much in the fear of ending up alone forever.

I was determined to work on myself, and to do what I should have done years ago and look within.

I had to let myself feel the loss of several breakups, that I hadn’t let myself feel enough at the time.

In doing this I also had to look at why it had ended.

I believe it takes two to make a relationship, and therefor its not just my partners fault that it had ended, even though I tend to comfort myself with them being the bad guys, and me oh so innocent.

I was also at fault, and I had to start realising what exactly I did that was bad.

Here is what I found out.

I got into the relationship without any thought if we where compatible.

I always only ever listened to my heart, and if my heart was screaming that it was in love, I would dive deep off that cliff and not have any idea what was expected of me, or what to expect of my new partner.

Even if it was long distance, I didn’t give it any thought.

Love was enough for me, until years after and I realised it wasn’t.

Take my long-distance relationships for example.

We never discussed where it would end up, who would end up moving where.

So, I ended up in a relationship where both of us where unable to move for each other.

I have my daughter and my mom to take care off, and even though eventually I could move country, it wouldn’t be until my daughter turns 18.

There is also the factor of can you work and support yourself in the new country that was the issue.

I kept burying these future problems, until eventually reality hit us in the face.

Only seeing each other a 1 or 2 weeks at a time, every 3 – 4 months was hard.

It felt like a loss every time I went to the airport to go home again, and for an entire week after, I felt depressed annoyed and angry all the time.

He felt it too, and it only got harder with time.

Compatibility- life goals

There are a few things I need in a relationship.

I’m a pretty sensitive person, who needs to have a clear way of communication all the time.

I like to talk and especially about deeper things in life.

I need something new, either to learn or to experience new things all the time.

I’m pretty extroverted and love spending time with a lot of people, but I’m also a highly sensitive person, so I need for just as long to recharge my energy by being alone.

I’m emotional and need space to be so from time to time, preferably alone.  

I’m ambitious and will always strive for something higher.

When in a relationship, I stopped all that, and just followed. I never listened to what I needed but instead only focused on what my partner needed.

So, I kept ignoring the part of myself that needed to be alone, that needed to talk to new people, that needed to work on a project of mine.

In a lot of relationships, I even ended a few friendships, because of fear that my partner would get jealous.

Most of my friends are guys 😀

What my partners needed, to what I needed where complete the opposite, and though in the beginning it was easier to ignore this, though with time it would often create a lot of arguments, with someone having to budge a little, and that someone was always me. Not because my partners demanded this of me, I eagerly volunteered to do so to end any future arguments.

Bad communication

Not wanting to upset or hurt my partners I kept quiet often with how I really felt, and this caused a lot of tension.

They where pretty smart guys and could pretty easily tell when I was upset, but it was hard to get me to talk, and if I did, I would always hold something back.

I swallowed my anger and hurt a lot, and put it into a box well sealed away until it one day cracked, and all those emotions flooded to the top and left my partner overwhelmed, with every little thing I had spoken up about.

Why did I let it get so bad?

Because I have always hated conflict and often eagerly ignored my own needs, to please my partner, and the way I thought they wanted to be pleased.

Not in the way you might think 😀

More like what a wife in the 50s would do. A lot of mothering and perhaps a little smothering.

I basically changed every time I was in a relationship.

Not realising that this change was the opposite my partners fell in love with, and If we had instead been able to communicate better it could have been avoided.

All this I learned in my self-reflection, and it’s something I’m happy today that I found out.

Because next time I choose to go into a relationship it wont just be because I’m head over heels.

It’s going to be different next time.

You might think “how do you know it will be”?

Well since the last 2 and a half years, I’ve been in love twice, and had a fair bit of small crushes, and while feeling tempted to do what I used to do, and just jump over that cliff, I instead sat down and thought for a few days, giving myself time to really think of how compatible we are, if it’s a smart idea to go there.

Even though it was a little hard to realise we weren’t compatible, I felt really proud of myself for being able to do this.

To say no when my heart really wanted to say yes.

Now looking back, I realise I did the right thing.

I still needed time to heal those scars and get to know myself again.

It was time well spent.

I’ve learned to not disregard my own needs anymore.

To no disregard who I am, and what I want in life.

And my biggest achievement yet is that I’m a better communicator.

I still don’t like conflict, but I’ve learned a healthier way to deal with it without having to run away or end up people pleasing too much so I end up loosing parts of myself.

I would’nt have learned all this if I hadn’t let myself take a break from love.

Take a break to start loving myself more, to get to know myself again, and I am prouder of this feat then anything else I’ve accomplished.

It’s funny that staying single was the only thing I really needed.

I am still working on myself, and by being single I have all the energy and time to do so.

I am now in full progress to live a healthier and more fit life.

The last few months I’ve been determined to lose my old relationship weight and change my relationship with food and exercise.

I will write about this in another blog post soon.

To my biggest surprise being single for so long, its been a really amazing exeperience.

My relationship to myself has improved and I’ve learned a lot about myself that i never let myself really do before, since it was always about making my partners happy.

I never really feel alone anymore.

I instead nurish the friendships I have and strenghted my relationship with my family.

I never really feel alone spending time with just myself, even when I was secluding myself from the world burrying myself in work that last 6 months, I still never felt alone.

I do need to get out there a bit more and recently I have been, not to look for another partner but to create more friendships, talk to new people, since I realised I need it just as much as I need to be alone.

Ive learned by being single that its not just romantic relationships that can feel rewarding and deep, you can have that with friends as well. Not the romantic part, but feeling deeply connected, and that has properly been the most interesting discovery for me.

My friendships are now a lot deeper.

So my worst fear was just an irrational fear.

I dont feel alone being single, and I will never truly be alone.

Instead it’s a great time to grow in character and give yourself 100 % more attention, and I really needed that.

I do feel im getting a bit more ready for love again one day soon, and I am looking forward to experiencing that again.

This time around I’m excited with everything I’ve learned and im a lot more confident that it will be a lot better this time.

Until then I still have a bit more work to do, and I will do it with a smile.

If you have found yourself in my position, jumping from one relationship to another then maybe staying single for a while, might help you too.

Yes it was scary at first, and lonely, but eventually its actually pretty great.

For me to stop fearing ending up alone was just realising that the statistic of me ending up alone is practically zero.

I also had to realise that if hell froze over and in worst case scenario I would end up alone, then would that be so bad?

I realised it would’nt be that bad, because there are so much more to life then romantic love, and realising these two things, the fear stopped.

Falling in love twice since then proves this fact to me, that sooner then you realise there is another oppertunity for love, but its just as important to really feel ready for it.

And I knew I was’nt yet.

Have an amazing night 🙂

MissFaylyn out