Nostalgia is a B…. Sometimes

Any of you ever find yourself sticking to a past memory like glue?

I do…

Alle the time, and its one of the things that to no end annoys me.

What memories am I talking about and why does it annoy me?

Let me tell you a story 😊

Faydra went for a walk in the forest.

A warm soft breeze on her skin.

The birds tweeting in the far distance.

The sun shining through the branches which almost made the forest look magical.

Faydra was in a really good mood.

Her life was in a good place, nothing to worry about but so much to look forward to.

She sat down in the grass with her feet bare so she could feel the grass between her toes.

She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and exhaled.

She thought about her past and how far she had come to reach where she was today.

All her achievements, accomplishments, the work she had done within herself.

She smiled, feeling an intense sense of pride.

She thought of her old friendships, old relationships, and suddenly she felt tense.

Memories washing over her, ruining this happy moment of serene peace.

Memories of regret, of fights not yet resolved, heartbreak without closure.

She felt a tinge of anger.

Why these memories?

Why couldn’t she forget these memories?

It was from her past, several years in the past.

She was a different person now.

There had been really good memories in those past relationships too, why did she always go to the bad ones?

She often found herself wishing, wanting to go back to change the outcome or just have that one final talk with all of them.

In hope of washing the pain away that it brought after.

Or the confusing feeling of why it had ended that way.

In 90% of the cases, she had never truly understood why friendships and love relationships had ended.

She had never gotten the answers she craved.

She knew that she had to let it go. It was years ago, and she didn’t want to think of the past anymore, but yet she often went there.

To past experiences, her past self, her past relationships.

She understood rationally that things change, people change, everything changes.

She understood that even if past connections had ended, even in a bad way, that in the end it was a good thing, because it made her into what she was today, but she still felt care and love for these people.

And that love was hard to shake.

Even if they didn’t deserve this love, even if they where different people now, and would never meet again.

She loved them for all the good they had done to her, the memories she still cherished, the laughs she had had with them

Some of them she hadn’t even said goodbye too, they had just slowly vanished from her life.

Faded away into a distant memory.

Connections lost in the nether.

Raindrops started falling and turned quickly into a heavy rain shower.

Faydra got up annoyed, angry with a tinge of pain in her heart still.

Why did those memories always come up to haunt her at the most inconvenient time ever.

She walked home, with heavy steps, sensing the burden she was still carrying after all those years.

The end…

I often think about past connections that got lost.

I still have a hard time moving on from them.

I once read that being a Highly sensitive person, you often feel yourself move on much slower from past relationships or past connections.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m a highly sensitive person or not, but I do know that it still bothers me a great deal, even years after.

I don’t just find it slow to move on, but I also often think of people from 15 years ago sometimes longer.

Occasionally I do reach out and get that last word in, the needed closure I so crave.

But I’ve often come to realise that getting closure, just brings up a million other questions that go unanswered.

The truth is and I know this, that the most common reason we move on from friendships or relationships is that we change. We grow apart, or something in the dynamic changes.

If we don’t find ourselves able to grow together or meet halfway that’s where a friendship often fades.

It’s often miscommunication that’s the culprit too, in my past relationships, and I find that harder to fix when time has passed.

Sometimes I have been able to go back to a dear friend and rekindle that connection.

But most times they just fade out.

And its annoying, because I still think fondly of the memories I have, and I sometimes wish I could have just one more day doing mythic +, chilling after work at the pub, or travel to the UK to see them.

I also know that if I did do that, it wouldn’t be the same.

One: I’m not the same person anymore

Two: They also changed.

Three: I know that it’s just a heavy case of nostalgia. Wishing that I could go back in time to live out those memories again, because I wasn’t ready for it to be over when it was over.

So how do I accept and move on from this?

When I rationally know that it was for the best?

Why do I still go back to it?

I honestly wish I knew…

The people come into your life all the time.

You will love and laugh again.

And have more memories that you will cherish one day.

You will build connections that could last a lifetime.

I still have friends in my life I have known for 10 – 15 + years, and I do find that we are growing together in our friendships, some of them I speak to rarely some of them often.

Every person I connect with, I cherish, and care for.

And its hard to let that go, its hard to move past that, even if it was for the best to part.

I wish…

I often wish we lived in a smaller community with a simpler lifestyle, where building that sense of connection would last longer.

My mom is gypsy, and she grew up in this tiny community where everyone knows each other and almost everyone close related or connected in some way.

In her small town, they have connections that last a lifetime. Most of them stay in that town, their whole life.

It’s always something I envied.

I wish I could have kept just a few of the people from my past. That we could have grown together as friends.

Nostalgia is a B…. sometimes.

I’m in a good place in my life and I think that’s why its annoying I find myself ruminating this way, when I should be focussing on just being in the present, enjoying the beautiful day it is.

I am thankful though that I had them in my life, that we had months and many years together, filled with memories and life experiences.

Just sucks it ended.

And yes, yes I know, everything ends eventually in some way or another and new ways, new experiences, new relationships opens up.

When a door closes another open.

Can you relate to this?

If so feel free to post below 🙂 If not, then I hope it was interesting to read.

I know I write a lot of little “stories” lately, but its always been easier to express myself and my thoughts this way, and Faydra is basically my inner self, in many ways.

She is my inspiration, my inner thoughts and feelings. She is also my avatar in the games I play 🙂

Missfaylyn out