Its too warm today. A heatwave in Denmark. While wanting to write a few blogpost finding it hard to choose, what to write about, suddenly I remember a moment in my life.
A moment of great importance to my life today.
And its all thx to this kind and caring social worker I had a few years ago.
Here is what happened.
“So, Fay, what are your dreams in life, the perfect scenario happening in 10 years, where do you see yourself”?
The clock in the room Fay was sitting in was ticking behind her. Tick Tick, Tick
The social worker in front of her, with eyes of compassion and empathy, eagerly and curiously waiting for an answer.
Tick Tick Tick, the clock went.
Fay tugging nervously at her shirt, not sure what to answer. She looked up and caught the social worker smiling at her.
Trying to deafen out the ticking clock in the room, she answered.
“Ehm…. Honestly I’m not really sure……Like…..Ehm.”
She looked down and starting tugging at her clothes again
“If you could pick anything in the world, Fay. Like anything, what would you like to do? What would make you happy?
Fay heard the concern but still a lot of compassion in her social workers voice and wanted nothing more then to find the right answer to this question, but she wasn’t sure she had any.
What would she like to do in her life?
Fay had been on welfare for 10 years now.
Unemployed.
Living in the shame of not being able to support herself had been hard.
Waking up in the morning with no purpose, no direction in her life, no more then just existing was hard.
Before she had been labelled as unfit to work, she had had so many dreams.
Unreachable dreams now.
She had imagined her life as a librarian at a library, and a successful part time writer.
She imagined herself working with charity, maybe help in Africa for the charity organisation she had worked for a year when she was 19.
She had imagined herself as a social worker, helping others who were in her parents’ position.
They were also labelled as unfit to work.
Unemployed.
She hated that word.
She knew it was futile to start dreaming again. She knew it would just end up, in her feeling disappointed again.
She had been trying to get out of the system for years now, but her mental health and her past, always stopped her progress cold.
She always felt when she took a step forward she took 2 steps backwards at the same time.
She didn’t want to feel that feeling again.
Why couldn’t she just exist, nothing more. Just be
Her darker internal voice suddenly took over, and fay felt she was losing control of her own thoughts.
YOU are not good enough, YOU will never be good enough, people just waste their time trying to help you. YOU are too broken, too sensitive. Just give up already. YOU should be ashamed of yourself, everyone else is.
Suddenly she was alone in the room.
Fay filled with fear, not wanting to listen to the words, but they became louder.
JUST STOP TRYING, YOU ARE WORTHLESS!
Why couldn’t she just be left alone. Could everyone in her life not see that it was pointless. Why keep trying if she was only meant to ever fail, and fail again?
Fay staring at the floor, trying not to cry, trying to mask the internal battle going on inside of her.
“Look Fay, I understand it’s a tough question. I know it’s been hard, but I’m only trying to help you.
I think you have a lot of possibility to get out there again and do something you love, but you have to believe it’s a possibility first.”
Fay heard the words, heard the care for her. Not just as a client but as a human being. The voice of her social worker snapped her back to reality. It wasn’t so much the words she said, but more the care and concern in her voice.
Fay didn’t want to disappoint, her caring social worker, so she said.
“I want to work, I want to have dreams, I want to believe in myself again, but it’s so hard, when I keep failing at everything I try to do”
She started tearing up and tried just as quickly to wipe away the tears running down her cheek.
God, now she was crying again, how embarrassing.
The social worker got up from her chair, smiled with such care that it was too late for Fay to stop herself from crying, now she was openly crying. Tears in a constant stream
She was handed a handkerchief and the social worker put a hand on Fays shoulders, as to try and comfort her as much as she could.
Fay looking up, smiling
“It’s just I don’t know what to do. I’ve always wanted a dog, but I’m not aloud that where I live. I like wrtiting sometimes and playing video games, but it’s not something I can do for a living, its Pointless” With a heavy sigh she looked up at her social worker waiting for her to agree with her. To realise it was pointless
“And why do you think that you can’t do that for a living eventually in let’s say 10 years?”
“It might take time Fay, but I believe you can get out there again, I don’t think its pointless, a lot can happen in 10 years, have faith”
“You could work with computers, gaming or writing, even if its just part time, There will always be new oppertunities opening up, new career options.“
The answer shook fay. She didn’t expect her social worker to say that.
Why was it that she thought it pointless to work?
That there was no hope?
Fay smiled and felt a little silly.
Her social worker was right, maybe there was hope.
Suddenly her world brightened up just a little bit more.
Yes, she was unemployed, unfit to work, but now there was hope.
Hope that one day she would get out on the other side and be able to dream again.
Hope….
She tasted the word in her mouth
Hope…
It felt good
Take that Dark Inner voice.
This little story was an experience I had, going through the exact same thing
Having been unemployed for years, I stopped dreaming and stopped believing that I could have a normal life, with a job I loved, or any job at all.
During that time, I felt like a zombie, eat, sleep repeat.
Until I meet a caring social worker who made me believe in myself again.
Just asking me to have a little faith in myself.
That was the point in my life where I stopped settling for just existing, and where I began to dream.
The dreams started out small, like wanting to move one day to get a dog, then the dreams grew a little bigger.
Like getting better at gaming.
Then the dreams grew to what they are today.
Today I have so many dreams, and I am confident enough to say that one day those dreams will happen.
I Understand now what hope can do.
Hope and faith that things change.
Understanding that we grow every year as people. Externally, internally, and in wisdom.
Today I am ever so thankful towards my social worker and other professionals in my life who helped me remember that hope is everything.
Hope sparked the flame inside.
Being able to dream is so important to me.
To have a purpose of waking up in the morning, and work towards my dreams and small goals in life is the main reason I feel truly happy.
Every time I reach a goal, even if it was back then to just being able to be a better gamer it gave me the confidence to set new goals, make new dreams.
Of cause it’s a lot of work in the background, but its work I do happily knowing that it’s never pointless to dream, and to try and follow your dreams.
Today Im always greatful for the words of my socialworker. Without the care and compassion I had from her, Im not sure if I would have listened. Without the words that inspired me to hope to dream where would I be today?
If you find yourself in the same situation in your life as I was in, where it feels pointless to dream, remember that there is always hope, you just have to have faith in yourself and that we constantly grow in every aspect of our life. Ever changing, expanding.
Dare to dream, to dream big, and have faith and hope that one day its possible to reach the end of the line of your goals, to accomplish your dreams and that hope is always there.
Now im gonna go stick my head in the freezer for 5 mins, and try to cool down in this heatwave.
Have an amazing evening 🙂
MissFaylyn Out ❤
Missfaylyn 