I’ll happily admit, I don’t like change.
I don’t like new things happening, I don’t like surprises, I like knowing what will happen tomorrow.
When my life is changing, I always feel I’m in the middle of the sea not being able to swim back to known shores. Just stuck, scared of drowning.
But if I think about it, and really think about it.
Every single change in my life has been for the better.
It has taught me valuable lessons, about myself.
It has brought me closer to happiness every time.
Unexpected change hurts the most yes. Heartbreak, loss and the list goes on.
Living in Foster care
When I was a teen I lived in foster care, only seeing my real parents in the weekend.
Back then I lived with a secret that I even managed to hide from myself most days.
A secret of sexual abuse, from my foster father.
At the time, I thought I was happy.
I was in high school or college? Not sure what it is in Denmark.
I had just turned 18.
I had a lot of friends, a boyfriend I loved.
The day my life changed forever I had gone to school with a smile on my face, looking forward to spending time with my boyfriend before I had to go home and study.
It was a normal day, and I had just gotten off school. I meet my boyfriend and we got into a fight, where I suddenly told him the secret, I had never told anyone before.
To this day I still don’t know why I did it. I had managed to lie to myself for years, that it wasn’t a big deal, been able to put this well-hidden secret into a box where I thought it belonged.
But here I was, after the words had escaped my mouth, looking at my boyfriend who was clearly in shock, and in that second my first thought was “Shit, change is about to happen”.
And it did.
My boyfriend had reacted a lot stronger than I thought he would, and in that moment I realised the lie I had lived with, how much that lie had destroyed so much in me. How much of a burden I had lived with, how that secret had torn away bits of myself with it.
That day everything changed.
I escaped my foster parents. When The secret got out, I had to realise the damage it had done to me, and I lived a year with post traumatic stress.
But that change was also the best that could happen to me.
I learned in that moment to never hide how I was feeling again. I learned what freedom tastes like. Freedom from a burden to hard to bear.
The moment I realised I was pregnant
I had a boyfriend I had only know for 6 months, and one day I took a pregnancy test.
I was scared of the answer telling me it was positive.
I had recently been diagnosed with depression, and I was only 20 years old.
Hardly able to take responsibility for myself, how could I take responsibility for a baby.
The test was positive and my first taught was “Oh shit, here we go again.”
And everything changed again.
But that change changed my life to the better.
I learned what love truly is.
A love from a mother to her daughter.
It’s the most beautiful love to me.
I now look at my daughter today and my heart fills with love, and pride.
Yes, I had been too young, and yes, I wasn’t really ready to be a mother, but I never regret a single second that it happened.
When I got out of an 8 year old relationship
I had lived with my fiancé for 8 years, and we were about to get married, when I found myself talking to a guy from the UK on coms.
I realised suddenly that I had developed feelings for this guy, and I was in shock.
My first thought was “Ohh shiiit, change incoming”.
I told my fiancé about my feelings and realised that the reason why I had found myself developing feelings for another guy, was because our relationship had gone from good to worse.
I no longer felt that we where good for each other, I felt that we had been more room mates for the last 2 years, and I felt stuck. I could see that he was just as unhappy, and we broke up.
It wasn’t because I wanted to date the other guy, it was because I could see then how truly wrong it was to get married.
It was the hardest change I’ve ever had to make, saying goodbye to someone I loved, living alone. Realising love isn’t always enough.
And this event changed my view on love, and I learned so much from it.
These 3 moments was one of the bigger events of change happening to me.
It was something that changed my entire world. My daily routine, how I viewed myself, and how I lived.
Yes, it was hard to change that much, but it was also the best moments in my life.
It was the best moments because it brought me closer to learning more about myself, and these events brought me happiness, that I couldn’t have known before.
Today I’m going through another change.
And yes, my initial thoughts were “Oh shit here we go again”, but its also change I’m welcoming.
Its change that’s necessary.
This time the change didn’t happen to me, but rather it’s a choice. Changing the ways, I’ve lived the last few years. Change that’s healthier for me.
So why do I still hate change so much?
When, I can see the good it does?
When, I can feel the good it does?
I think the reason why we fear change so much, is that we fear the unknown.
It’s a scary thought to not know what will happen tomorrow.
When at the same time we have to say goodbye to the lives we are so used to living.
Saying goodbye to the routine we had.
It’s a loss, and it’s a loss we have to morn too, even if its change that’s good for us.
I did morn the loss of the life I had when I lived with my foster parents. I mourned the loss of my foster siblings; I had gotten used to spend every day with and that I loved dearly. I never talked to them after the incident again, and I still miss them today.
I mourned the loss of my lifestyle before I had my daughter. Mostly I mourn my body before I got pregnant. I still have the belly fat from my pregnancy. I never really got rid of it.
I mourned saying goodbye to my fiancé. We had so many years together, and even though it was for the best for both of us, I still occasional miss the good times we shared.
Change can be hard to go through, but I think if we remember the good change brought us in the past, it can be a little bit easier to not fear as much.
To dive straight into the ocean of change, and just let the waves take you to new shores, instead of fighting it.
Do you fear change?
How did change in your life affect you today?
Missfaylyn out
Until next time
Have a truly magical day, today, tonight, tomorrow ❤
Missfaylyn 