Inspiration has hit again, and today I want to write about 3 core moments in my past relationships.
Where my sensitive side came through.
- The Beauty of a Song…
The Phone rang, it was him.
She looked around in a panic.
Unsure if she should pick up…
She tried to wipe her tears and drown down her sobs.
She wrote him a message.
”ehm..can we talk soon I just need a moment 😊 “ she put a smiley on purpose
He was typing back…
She watched the dots dance on her screen, waiting nervously for his reply.
Her phone made a beep. Message had been received.
She read the message while nervously pulling at her shirt.
“What’s wrong? You know you can talk to me if you are upset right?” He wrote
She laughed nervously and felt really stupid, so ashamed. Would he really understand if she told him why she was upset?
What if she told him and he thought her to be a little crazy? To be too sensitive?
She decided to write him back and see what his reply would be.
Yep, she defo felt a bit stupid.
“Ehm… I’m okay… I’m just crying a bit, but it’s nothing really, I just wanted to gather myself a little and then call you back in like 5 mins, but I if you want, I can talk to you about it” “I’m sorry I feel a little bit silly”
The phone rang again, before she picked up, she took a deep breath, tried to smile a little, but just ended up laughing a little nervously again.
“hey…..”
Her voice was quiet and a little shaky. Her cheeks flushed pink, and she felt so ashamed.
“Hey Hunny Bunny, what’s wrong?” There was so much love and care in his voice it almost made her break into tears again.
“……. this is ehm, really embarrassing… but I’ll try to explain” she felt her cheeks flush an even harder red. Her voice cracked a little.
“okay” his voice more serious this time
“So… I was just listening to music, chilling, when this song suddenly played. The song was so beautiful and so sad at the same time, that I couldn’t help myself. I’ve been crying since, unable to stop...
It was just so beautiful that I had to really feel it. When you called and I was still crying I felt a bit embarrassed” she hoped he would understand, and not think she was crazy.
She had only just started dating him, they had been together for 2 months, and she hadn’t really told him about her being an HSP or shown him her sensitive side yet.
This was not the first time a song had moved her to tears. She had a deep connection to music and often felt the emotions go through her when she listened to music.
“You had me scared there for a second Fay, I thought it was something more serious” He still sounded so serious
She got a little scared that she had made herself sound more crazy then she was. How could she explain how she felt, why she cried, why it wasn’t a bad thing? She loved feeling so deeply. How could she explain the song was every colour in a rainbow, a sunrise, midnight silence, it was the wind playing with her hair.
She didn’t know how to explain so she just said
“yeah, I’m sorry I’m a little bit silly, you know when I told you I get a little sensitive sometimes. Well, this is one of those moments, I just…” she took a deep breath and finished her sentence
“I just need a bit time sometimes to just sit alone and deal, but I promise you I’m actually feeling pretty good, I missed you, you want to watch something”
They watched a movie that night, silence between them. She never talked about her sensitive side aside from that night.
2. Why you should never fight before bed time
She was so furious she wanted to scream, so frustrated that she felt like pulling her own hair out, so angry she wanted to kick the wall.
Instead, she put her favourite heavy metal album on.
She started crying and in between sobs, she started to sing along.
Singing along to heavy metal always made her walk through her anger.
It was the wrong song, she looked through the songs until she found the perfect one.
With enough speed and anger.
He tried calling her.
She knew if she talked to him now, she would say something she would regret, something he would regret. She had told him she needed time to let the anger pass through her before she could discuss why she was so angry, why she was hurt by his words.
He had told her that she was too sensitive, that she needed to grow the fuck up. There had been so much anger in his voice.
She knew he didn’t mean it. She knew that he had just had another really bad day at work and wanted to pick a fight.
They had been together for 3 years now, how could he still not tell that she hated fights. How could he not know still that the fights hurt her deeply, that she would overthink them, and that she really hated conflict.
How could he not know still that she wanted more then anything to talk to him if he felt bad about something, that she would be there, listen to him, help him trough it.
But she also knew that he didn’t want to get all touchy feely like that, she knew that he didn’t want to open up about how unhappy he felt at work.
Could he not tell that she knew all this, that she could tell what it did to him, that she could spot his voice changing when they talked.
He wrote her…
“Pick up now, we have to talk about this, you better pick up right NOW! Or else!”
She was so angry, but she really needed more time, she knew it would be a bad idea to talk now. Like really bad. She knew she wouldn’t be sleeping tonight, but what could she do, no matter how much she explained it to him he never really understood what it did to her, talking to each other this way.
She took a deep breath, tried to channel her anger into a box, and just calm down a little before they talked.
She called him…
“WHAT THE FUCK Fay!, you cant just leave like that when we are talking, you cant just run like that”
The anger in his voice was undeniable. She knew it was more about his day then him being angry at her.
The lump in her throat got bigger making it hard to swallow, her chest hurt, her head hurt. She felt the fury within her rise, the hair on her arms rise, her muscles in her back tense.
She mustered every power she had in her voice and said as calmly as she possible could. Her voice sounded a lot colder than she intended, but at least she managed to mask the angry tone in it a little
“When we fight like this, I have to go chill a little, I don’t like being this angry, I don’t want to say anything that hurts you, I don’t want to say something I regret. You know I love you, but I feel you are being a bit unfair”
They talked for 2 hours and 15 minutes. It was well past midnight and they had been fighting for 2. The last 15 minutes they had spend trying to calmly talk about something else, so they wouldn’t leave the call, in anger. She knew 2 hours had not been enough, but it was past midnight, and they both needed to sleep.
She crawled her way to her bed, exhausted. She knew she had an appointment tomorrow early morning, but she felt so drained, so she would end up cancelling.
She was lying in her bed, twiddling her tombs, looking up into the ceiling, trying to sleep.
Even though she was so tired, she still felt the anger, the hurt. Her heart raced.
How could she have turned that around, how could she have prevented this to happen, how could she in the future find a way to stop the fighting and make him feel a little better after a bad day at work?
How could she explain to him that she couldn’t deal with these fights this way? That going to bed this angry, this late, it would be impossible to sleep.
4 hours later, she was still awake, thinking, still feeling angry and hurt.
It was morning now, and she gave up trying to sleep. She felt the need to write her feelings down, to listen to calm music and just try to forget what had happened. Hopefully he would be in a better mood today after work. She could only hope.
She got up and cancelled her appointment, and wrote furiously in her journal while singing along to heavy metal.
She talked with him later that night, but it felt like walking on eggshells, she found herself scared of saying the wrong things, she felt the rift between them grow bigger, but instead of talking it out, she kept quiet, not wanting to create another conflict. She burried any residual anger into a box, knowing it was the worst thing she could do, but she didnt know how to communicate in a way without having to fight.
3. The guy sitting on a bench
They where walking hand in hand down the street, talking lovingly to each other, sharing the moments that they had realised they had feelings for each other.
Today she had been brave enough to tell him how she felt about him, and he had responded with, that he was also in love with her.
They were walking into town, with their friends.
She was smiling and felt really happy but was also a little scared.
How well did she know him? How well did he know her? How would he respond to her sensitivity?
She was always terrified of opening up to someone else. To let others, see her sensitive nature.
She looked at him and he looked back with a big smile, she blushed and smiled back.
It would be okay, she felt more at ease now.
Suddenly while they had been walking for a while, she heard crying.
She turned her head to her side and saw a guy sitting on a bench, crying. He was drunk. Without thinking she stopped and moved towards the guy. She sat down on her knee, a comforting hand on his back and asked him if he was, okay?
Normally she would be a bit more hesitant about just going over like that, but she couldn’t explain it, she felt a pull towards this guy. She had acted before really thinking if it was the right thing to do or not, society wise.
He looked up at her and told her a story that had happened to him that night, he had, had his heart broken. She felt so moved and felt like it sounded like he could need some company tonight. So, she asked him if he wanted to tag along, at least to take his mind off things a bit.
She couldn’t explain it, but she felt that what he needed right now was to not be alone.
He agreed and the whole way into town, she talked to him, comforted him the best she could, trying to make him smile a little.
Her new boyfriend walked in the back, she knew he wasn’t happy about this, and she would try to explain why she had felt this sudden need. She would rather hold hands with her boyfriend right now, but her heart couldn’t just abandon this stranger in need.
She was sure her boyfriend would understand. Right?
The evening went by.
The stranger she had meet started feeling a bit better, he thanked her kindly for being there, when he really had needed a bit of company to deal with what had happened to him earlier. She waved goodbye and thanked him too for a nice chat and that it was nice to meet him.
She turned to talk to her new boyfriend.
He was silent and looked angry.
This was not going to be pretty. She knew.
He wouldn’t understand.
“How could you just go over to a stranger like that” The anger in his voice was undeniable “it’s not normal to be with me and then pick up a guy like that and then flirt with him”
Her eyes wide. She was shocked.
Hearing his words. She had expected something all right but not that.
She had just been a kind Samaritan or tried to be. She had not flirted with the guy, but she just couldn’t walk away from someone crying like that.
How could anyone walk away from a person in need like that?
If she had been on the bench crying, she would have wished someone would come talk to her.
It wasn’t like it wasn’t scary to do it, it wasn’t that it wasn’t inconvenient, of course she would rather spend time with her boyfriend, especially on the first day, but she couldn’t in good conscience just walk away.
She tried to explain why she had done it, that she wasn’t flirting, that she was just like that.
She could never just ignore someone in pain. It wasn’t who she was
“I’m sorry” he said, still angry “but I can’t be with someone like that, Its not normal. We just found each other tonight how can you act this way?”
She felt the tears in her eyes, shocked she looked at him, she wanted to say so much more but the only thing she managed to say was.
“I’m sorry but this is who I am”
He walked away, she watched him walk away, and she knew that her sensitive side had again been the downfall of another relationship. Misunderstood yet again.
She walked home alone that night, with a heavy chest, but with a clear conscience that at least she had managed to make someone feel a little bit better tonight. She hoped the guy on the bench was feeling a bit better.
She questioned if she should have explained herself better, but then again, if he couldnt except that side of her, it was probably for the best to call it a day. She would never be able to give away that side of herself, nor did she want to give that up.
These 3 moments is 3 moments I’ve never been able to forget.
Moments in my life where I found it so hard to communicate why I feel or act differently.
It’s the HSP side of me, where I feel no matter how much I try to explain I always come short.
Often people find me to dramatic, too sensitive, but to me its normal and I have a hard time understanding what the norm should be.
Do I wish I could have acted differently?
No, because then I would give up on who I am.
Yes I am sensitive, I cry a lot, especially to things that touch me, things I find beautiful, I shy away from conflict, I drop everything to help someone in need.
These 3 relationships didnt last, because of one main reason. We failed in our communication.
Communication for me is one of the hardest things for me, I try my best, I really do, but when you go into a relationship already failing to be understood in the quirky ways you react and act sometimes, its hard to build that communication into something thats healthy.
Could I have acted differently?
Yes.
Could they have acted differently?
Yes
No relationship is perfect.
A quote about love that I really love is this
“When you like a flower you just pluck it. But when you love a flower, you water it daily”
Gautama Buddha
To me this quote, is about love. A love that you tend and nuture, daily, to watch it grow into the beautiful flower it is. You never try to control it, by plugging it, you instead take pride in watching it grow in the wild.
To me love is like that.
Love is Just Love
Im a sensitive snowflake, im quirky, I react from my empathy towards others. I have baggage, sometimes I can be a drama queen, not because I intend to make drama, but because I feel, and I feel deeply, I’m more heart then head. I don’t always think of how I act, I just act what I feel.
Sometimes I still feel I have to put a lid on myself in some situations, sometimes I feel like I have to hide my emotions.
And for me its so hard not being able to just be yourself, and to be accepted as is.
I think where I fail to communicate how I really feel in situations or to be honest of how I feel, is because Ive always felt so misunderstood and so wrong in my reactions.
I grew up in a world where showing emotions, wasnt okay.
I grew up thinking I had to hide them.
I got used to shouting matches, and got critisized for running away from conflict, even when the conflict would overextend and never really be resolved to a point where its healthy.
Its easier to be angry right? Then admit how you really feel in your life?
If you have a bad day at work or if you feel you come short at things in your life, if you feel insecure or scared, its easier to just be angry that the toilet seat is still up.
I grew up in a world where empathy towards strangers isnt a common thing. Seeing a person in the street upset, its less complicated to just keep walking.
What I wish we had in the world instead was that emotions is to be understood as a strenght instead of something thats wierd to act out.
Where we can open up about whats really inside of our hearts instead of putting a lit on it.
Ive been doing a lot of soul searching thinking back on my love relationships and aknowledge that I shouldnt fear my sensitive side. I shouldnt fear my emotions and I shouldnt feel ashamed for “running” away during a conflict to collect myself to return less angry.
I’m sensitive, but that in a relationship makes me more empathetic towards my partner.
I can sense behind the surface of what they let on, and can be there fully hearted.
Because I can cry over something thats beautiful, gives me the inate abilty to find beauty in the smallest detail. I feel a deep love for life because of it, and are generally happier because of it.
Lately I just think more deeply on these past moments in my life, I dont remember them as a negative thing but as a leasson how to go into my next relationship. How to be more honest about my feelings, and to let them in to see who I really am.
Are there any moments in your previous relationships that you remember?
What have you learned from them?
Feel free to comment down below 🙂
Missfaylyn out 🙂 Until next time 😉
Missfaylyn 