I wanted to write about friendship as an HSP (Highly sensitive person), but the more I looked at the empty paper in front of me I just couldn’t put into words what I was going to write.
I kept thinking back to one episode in my life that was recent in my mind still.
I decided to just go with the flow and ended up with this.
A tear ran down her cheek, silently, reflecting the light in her room.
Music playing through her headset, heavy metal, songs of anger and pain.
She felt the anger rise in her chest and had to release it before she burst into a rage.
She hated feeling anger.
She only felt angry now because she was yet again in a situation beyond her control.
She understood that it wasn’t her fault.
She understood it was just a misunderstanding, yet she couldn’t explain that to them.
She had spent so much energy trying to explain what had really happened 2 years ago.
Why she had been gone, why she had been sad, why she had been angry.
She had tried to explain how much their actions had affected her, how it had broken her heart.
She had tried to explain that it wasn’t his fault, it wasn’t their fault, she just had to deal with it herself.
It had been a rough period in her life.
She had realised then that the loneliness inside of her, wasn’t being filled with activity and people all around her from morning to late night. It was a loneliness that was all consuming, a loneliness she had to heal slowly deep within her, one step by step, or it would swallow her whole.
How could she explain that to her friends?
That she just from one day to the other had changed?
That she finally had realised the lie she had told herself for years…
The lie that she didn’t care about her own happiness, that she liked her life as it was, that she liked being in charge, that she was naïve, pretending not knowing things, to play innocent, when she knew in her heart she wasn’t.
She was playing the role she had for years, the role she had learned to play her entire life.
The role of the innocent, the naïve sweet girl who was always smiling, who never shared how she felt inside.
She had held back and bit her tongue for years. She held back when she disagreed with others.
She had dropped everything to be there for everyone when she would rather do something else.
She had rarely said no, and if she did, she had felt guilty. So guilty that she ended up doing it anyway.
She had no boundaries and had no idea how to create healthy boundaries for herself.
She was at her core a people pleaser. Not because she liked that part of her, but because she couldn’t bear it to see people around her not happy.
When and if she had burst into emotion, either anger or pain, yes, her friends had been there for her, but she had gone to bed feeling so guilty and worried how they felt about the sudden emotion outburst from her.
She had sensed some distress from them, a slight change in voice, that had hurried her to change her tears into a smile.
In the past she had always hid away her tears from people she cared for. She had always dealt with emotions herself, until people close to her had asked her not to run away when she was upset, but instead share.
So, she had, and they where happy for a while being there for her, and she had been happy to feel loved in return, something she hadn’t felt to that extend before.
Thing is, she knew her feelings were intense.
They always had been intense.
Anger, pain, happiness, even love felt intense.
So intense that her mood changed everything around her.
Her happiness drew people in, made them feel safe and happy as well.
She was fun to be around, and she knew it.
But that was only when she was happy.
When she was angry, she often felt the room freeze, she felt it go quiet. The quiet was the worst. She hated the quiet.
When she was sad, she was like in a fog, and the world moved in slow motion. Everything slowed down, everyone around her slowed down.
It wasn’t that she started acting out her anger, or cried out in pain when she was sad, she just went quiet.
But her tone changed, and her facial expressions changed so much that it was almost impossible to hide, unless she ran away to hide as she had always done.
Feeling everything so intense and living in a world where she felt she had to either hide it or apologise for it, was too much.
She had hated being the way she was.
Even though she knew her intense feelings also granted the ability to feel a strong empathy towards others. The creativity it would bring.
She wanted to believe more then anything that being a highly sensitive person was a good thing.
She tried to explain that HSP was a good thing, but often people always replied back that it must be a burden to feel everything so intensely. That it didn’t sound like a good thing.
She had always felt different, her entire life alienated by the people close to her, to be the crazy one, the drama queen, the emotional one.
Until she had found out she wasn’t alone.
Being a highly sensitive person.
There were others.
In fact, there were 20 % of the worlds population that were like her, well had the same traits as her.
So why did she still feel alienated by the world? By her friends, her family?
Was it really up to her to learn how to feel less, to show less, to act more normal?
Should she hide or be authentic?
If she hid, she never felt connected to anyone. If she hid, she would just hurt people around her because she never opened up.
If she shared, she would end up being too much, and get hurt in return.
She had tried again and again to explain her emotions when they hit. Why it was okay she cried, why she just needed a little time when she was angry to be okay again, why she had to disappear sometimes to recharge when it got too busy.
But no matter what she did, how she did, it was always the wrong thing to do, and she would always end up being the too sensitive one, the drama queen, the friend who hid.
She would often late at night contemplate emotions and why the world thought it okay to hide them away.
Why it was an embarrassment to burst into tears and open up about the pains and troubles people had in their lives from time to time.
Should we really live in a world where emotions where only okay if it was in small portions and where the negative emotions should be hidden away, drowned down, put into a box.
How are we really alive if we don’t feel both the good and the bad?
How could she explain to her friends that even though she was sad, it wasn’t a negative thing?
Being sad, followed the sweet relief of having unburdened your heart. The feeling of freedom, of feeling light as a feather.
Even anger was a good feeling because anger brought activity, determination, the feeling of bravery. It was an energy boost.
Feeling love was like flying through the clouds, seeing the world in a million colours and not being able to stop laughing. Like every cell in your body was smiling and laughing at the same time.
How could emotions be so bad.
How could emotions cause drama.
She understood causing drama as something you did on purpose to hurt or cause trouble around you.
Thing is as a highly sensitive person; it is never intentional hurting someone else.
If you cross that line as an HSP, the guilt and the shame that comes after hurts 10-fold, so you avoid hurting others at all costs.
The feeling of guilt was the worst feeling she had ever had to deal with. The shame of it, almost drove her mad. It was something that could easily take months to heal through.
The guilt of having hurt someone she loved still haunted her today.
Yet she was happy she had that experience because she had learned never ever to do it again.
She had learned that honesty was always the only option in a relationship: Because dishonesty hurt more in the long run.
She knew that she couldn’t avoid hurting others, she couldn’t avoid disappointing others, she couldn’t avoid getting hurt in return.
What she had realised now, was something she knew would change her life.
She didn’t want to feel she had to hide who she was at her core anymore.
She didn’t want to feel that being a highly sensitive person was something to be ashamed about.
She didn’t want to explain over and over to her friends, why she felt so strongly, why she sometimes were overwhelmed by impressions and why she sometimes had to take breaks to recharge.
She had come to a realisation 2 years ago, that she was different yes, but instead of hiding away from it, and try to fit in, to just embrace it instead.
She couldn’t control if she was liked by everyone. She couldn’t control if she lost friends, loved one’s through time, but she could control her own happiness.
Over the last 2 years she had slowly learned to be happy alone. Something she had always found uncomfortable being an extrovert.
Was it possible to be an extrovert as a highly sensitive?
Sometimes she had her doubts about that.
She had never met another HSP and longed for the day where she would be brave enough to reach out and to hopefully one day feel less alone in the world.
At her core, she wasn’t embarrassed by her emotions. They where a part of who she was.
The part of her that were truly alive.
The part of her that could dance in the rain in the middle of an abandoned street.
The part of her that would sing along to heavy metal and play games like never before when she was angry. So many of her stories written on her computer had been born in anger.
Same with sadness. Creativity blossoming, planting roots, growing far into the sky.
The first smile after having felt heartbroken, the first spontaneous laugh, is the best laugh after a period of sadness.
Where would she be if not for those emotions.
The lessons her anger and sadness had taught her. How much had she not grown from those emotions being present in her life?
She was a highly sensitive person.
Majority would never understand her, Majority would always misunderstand her intention and her actions, but she knew who she was now. She knew what she had to do.
She knew she had to be authentic. She knew some would always find her to be different, she knew most wouldn’t understand. She knew that she had to create boundaries. She knew she had to learn to say no. To think of herself and her own needs first.
She knew that she if she didn’t, she would never have enough energy to really be there for her loved ones. She knew some would be hurt by this sudden change of behaviour. That people around her had always depended on her to be active and always around. To be there night and day despite her own needs.
She knew she couldn’t go on like that anymore.
She knew sometimes she would have to be honest about her opinions, to voice her concerns, to sometimes disagree with people around her.
She knew she would have to walk away from people who would drain her of her energy and never give any care back.
She had learned to spend her energy on herself mostly, take time to breathe, to reflect, to take care of herself.
2 Years ago, she had changed.
She was finally happy at her core.
Sad that her friends still didn’t understand, but she finally understood what friendship is about.
Friendship should be about being able to be yourself.
This little story was inspired from the last 2 years of my life.
2 years ago, I had a falling out with a few of my friends.
During that time, spending a lot of my time on my own, I realised how my friendships had been.
How destructive to me it was. It wasn’t their fault; it was my fault.
The way I always hid a big part of who I am away, because of fear of feeling different. Of being alienated.
The way I never had boundaries, that would lead to burnout and emotional outbursts.
I knew I had to change so I took a journey inside, to really feel how I was feeling, instead of dismissing my feelings I went through them one by one, to try and understand why I was feeling this way.
I learned to be alone with them and to feel okay.
I learned to take better care of myself.
Was it hard changing my ways?
Absolutely.
But it was worth it, I am in a better place today because of it.
Instead of feeling shame of my own feelings, I embrace them, go through them, and use them.
I use them to be creative.
I’ve learned to control the intensity a little bit, so they don’t last as long, with a lot of selfcare.
What I still need to learn is to be a better friend, to be more authentic, and to be open about being an HSP.
To not shy away from who I am anymore.
I want to dive deeper into this subject another time, so stay tuned for part 2
Missfaylyn out and have a fantastic day
Missfaylyn 