One of the subjects that’s been on my mind lately, is something the last few years and especially in my past I’ve struggled with.
So much so that I avoided it as much as I could.
The subject I want to talk about today, is something so simple as going outside my door.
I’ve always found it hard to explain why I don’t like going out more. People close to me has always thought it was fear, but it’s a lot deeper than that, and something that’s hard to put into words.
For me sitting on a bus on the way to shops in town, or to go visit a friend somewhere, or even just go for a small walk around my block, has always filled me with the feeling of being overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed by noise, and impressions from everything.
Like when I sit inside a bus and its rush hour.
I’m extroverted, I like being around people, but too many feels like my whole system are being bombarded with impressions all the time.
At times I can drown those impressions down a little, by putting on my headset and listening to loud music or reading a book, but mostly when I get home, I just feel so drained that I just want to crawl into bed and sleep.
I’m a highly sensitive person, and I didn’t know this fact about myself growing up, so I just had to get through the feeling of being constantly overwhelmed.
Ill try and explain a bit further of what this does to me.
Imagine you sitting in the bus and there are no seats, so you are standing up. Its crowded and everyone’s talking either to each other or on the phone. Someone is listening to music.
It’s loud, like someone turned up the television a little to loud to be comfortable.
What is even louder is when you look around and you look at everyone’s facial expression. Some are chilling with a book, or someone looks happy, but it’s the faces of people being uncomfortable, you notice. Some look annoyed, some look a little angry some look stressed.
You try your best to not look around, but sometimes you catch a glimpse, and you wish you could do something to put a smile on the faces, but you know its not because they are angry or upset, its just rush hour.
You start to feel that stress and start feeling a little annoyed yourself.
You really don’t like that feeling of stress, of being annoyed.
It feels like someone is pulling your back down, with rocks. You feel your face muscles retract into an awkward position.
It’s a beautiful day and you would rather just smile and be happy.
Someone is pushing behind you, and quickly apologises to you, you nod and try to smile a little, understanding that it’s cramped in here and it’s not their fault.
Only 3 more stops and finally you can get out to breathe a little.
The air feels so heavy, and the smell of sweat gets to you. The lighting is too bright and just not comfortable at all.
You hear a big truck driving past the bus, and you almost jump a little by this sudden loud sound.
2 more stops you can’t wait to get outside.
A woman with a stroller gets into the bus, the child cries, and she holds her baby tight, trying to comfort it. You understand the toddler and almost want to do the same.
You feel a little embarrassed by this, and, also that you are feeling more and more angry. You try to smile a little so people around you won’t get too affected by your obvious mood.
Its just rush hour, and everyone is trying to get around the town. Its not the bus drivers’ fault, it’s not the peoples. It’s not your fault, it just is.
Finally next stop is your stop, and you try to get ready for exit. You politely start moving forward to reach the exit, and smile to everyone on the way out.
You get out and feel so tired, you sit down for a second before you hit the shops in town, you know it’s a crowded time, but fresh air is good for you, and you are about to meet a friend in town. You hope that the way home is a little less crowded and you can sit down and zone out a bit by reading your book. At least that way you whole system can take a little break from too many impressions.
Overwhelm is a feeling that’s so hard to describe for me, and I hope I tried my best with the scenario above.
I think most people get annoyed being in a crowded bus, but I think why I try so hard to avoid this feeling for me, is that it sits with me for most of the day.
I just feel like all my energy is sucked right out of me, when I am put into a situation where there is a lot going on.
I live in the big city and I at times wish I lived some place more secluded.
I have since I can remember always felt so overwhelmed that I learned quickly to escape into books or music.
When I was in school, I would try to look out the window and focus on the leaves on a big tree nearby to escape some of the impressions I got from sitting in a classroom full of 25 + students.
I would take a book from home with me and read in that when the teacher was writing on the board or talking to class.
I would take a few second of breaks where I could take them.
In my early years in school my teacher would complain to my parents that I was daydreaming too much, so I tried to take less “daydreaming” breaks and just ended going home from school exhausted every day.
I became an expert soon enough to just live with this constant bombardment of impressions.
What I mean by bombardment of impressions is.
You notice everything.
Lights are so bright. Scent gets to you, good and bad, especially bad. You can feel the air when it’s heavy, the sound of traffic almost feels like someone turned up the volume too loud.
When I became an adult, and going into town, to parties, it was easier to use alcohol to numb some of the feelings down, and it later became my cigarettes that took some of the edge of stress off.
Thing is being at home where I can control my lighting and the sounds, and just be in a calm surrounding that I can control is just so much better.
I do love going out to travel or see new things.
I love being in a place where the mood is great, and everyone is happy.
I love being in a forest or going to the beach, but when you live smack middle in a city there will be a crowded bus or two to get to those places.
I would give anything to not feel so overwhelmed when I go out, but I’ve learned that being a highly sensitive person its just something I have to deal with.
I did learn though that taking small breaks in between it helps a little.
Even though I haven’t been out much the last 2 years I’ve also learned that I still have to do what’s uncomfortable sometimes to really live in the world.
But I’ve also learned to not necessarily push myself to do it too much.
Being hypervigilant to everything can be hard to get used to, I don’t think ill ever get used to it.
But it does have its perks sometimes.
Like when I’m in a forest.
I feel everything in that Forrest. The feel of quiet air on my skin, the natural sound of leaves in the wind, the bird song in the trees. The tree bark on my palm.
When I’m in that moment, its beautiful, more than beautiful. Something that can’t be described in enough words.
Being a highly sensitive person, for me, the hardest thing about it, is the feeling of being overwhelmed with impressions, so yes I’ve tried my best to avoid scenarios like being in a crowded bus.
Because I am an extrovert, I used to in the past to push myself to stay out longer, to say yes to every meetup, and ignored what it did to my body and my own mental wellfare.
But the longer I did it, the bigger affect it had on me, where I just felt stressed and hyper all the time.
Until I started gaming and ended up being at home more.
There I could be an extrovert without the constant bombardment of impressions.
Today I need to learn to find that balance of going out more, but to stop and take my natural breaks more.
Breaks from the crowd, find somewhere quiet where I can just be in the moment of quiet peace, to breathe and relax.
It can be a little embarrashing for me to admit that this bothers me. Also because I wish it didnt bother me.
I love experiencing new things and meeting new people, but I wish I wouldnt feel everything so deeply most of the time.
Do you ever feel overwhelmed by the world around you?
What do you do to take your breaks from the impressions?
Feel free to write down below off your experiences, would love to hear them 🙂
Missfaylyn out until next time 🙂
Missfaylyn 