I have a confession to make

I have a confession to make

In the last post I wrote about my ambitions, how I wanted to become a You tuber and a streamer, how I wanted to fight for the things I dream about and that I dream big.

My confession isn’t about those things.

I still want those things. My ambition is still great, but what is bigger right now is my fear.

I love making my videos, and when I stream, I love that too, so why don’t I do it more?

You see that’s where its super silly.

Every time I start, I immediately expect to fail, and I start giving up even before I keep trying.

So my confession is I’m terrified.

That’s properly normal you think, if you put yourself out there in that way, who wouldn’t be terrified, who isn’t terrified when they start streaming or posting videos.

In the beginning I was terrified when I started streaming in a good way, it was the exciting kinda way.

Now that fear feels different.

It stops me from doing what I love. It stops me from moving forward, and instead I stagnate.

I went back to my old routines of gaming alone, I stopped being competitive, I stopped socialising.

I was angry at my friends for a while, because selfish me, was secretly angry they didn’t watch my videos and give me the support I secretly craved, and in being angry at them I got angry at myself for being angry at them. So it’s a silly vicious circle of annoying pesky thoughts Ive been struggling with for a few months.

So how can I conquer this irrational fear of something that hasn’t happened yet, and what is my fear about?

Well that’s the ironic of it all.

My name is MissFaylyn, a name I gave my brand on every social platform, that is a secret reminder to myself that I will Fail.  (Failing is a part of success) Missfaylyn = Miss Failing.

I celebrate that name because it’s supposed to be a reminder of not being scared of failure, but to keep getting up on that horse and fight. Fight like never before and definitely not stay in the same place for too long.

So why is fear of failure so petrifying?

Why cant I make a schedule and fight through it, even though I go this road alone, it’s a road I have chosen for myself, that I know I have to walk alone, and I cant expect or even really need anyone to walk It with me, or to even watch my stuff if I myself can feel proud of what I do.

The thing Is I am proud of my videos.

Every time I make a video I feel this rush of high, the sweet taste of feeling proud of what I have achieved, even if it took me a few hard days of work, but after a while the devil voice of doubt creeps in.

Telling me that I could have done better, and my head celebrates that voice because every time I make a new video it comes out a lot better than the one I did before that, so I just improve my craft which is what I want, so why is the devil voice of doubt holding me back?

That’s the question I keep asking myself and have been asking myself for months now.

Instead of following my mantra of Don’t think just do, I do think, I think way to much, and its time to just do again.

Not for you, not for peter, not for mom, not for dad, for me and just for me, and If someone likes my vidoes, that’s just a bonus but I promised myself I would never do It for anyone but myself first otherwise I would be bound to fail from day one.

My confession is I have fear, and also really want my videos to be watched, not to be celebrated but I realised what I really crave is a second opinion, someone to help me improve my craft, but I also know stubborn me, don’t learn well from others, I learn the best my way.

That’s why failing is so important to me, so I can learn to succeed.

What I need to learn is to stop thinking so damn much sometimes, and just keep doing, and to never hold myself back from something that I love.

No one should ever hold themselves back from things they love to do. No matter what it is, even if its scary sometimes doing those things, or if people don’t like what you do, so what. Aslong as it brings a smile to your face that’s all that matters isn’t it?

Lets see if I can take my own advice.

I am MissFaylyn and failing is what I do, so stay tuned and watch, because one day I will turn a failure into success.

Got a few other life updates so stay tuned 🙂

MissFaylyn out, cya soon and have an amazing day and a few days with failures, the best of kinds so you can one day succed and improve your craft