A lot have been on my mind these last few months and one of these things has been love.
Now before I can fully describe this conundrum, I have to start from the beginning.
Like every fairy tale starts
Once upon a time there was this girl who idolized fairy tales and only ever dreamed of one thing, finding her own prince of her very own fairy tale, that little girl yes you guessed it, it was me.
Since I can remember I would watch Disney movies, and dream of meeting my own prince who would one day carry me away into happily ever after.
I never really let go of this dream and im 36 years old.
My past relationships did feel at first like a fairy tale.
I fell hard like struck by lightning and everything went pink until it didn’t and heartbreak after heartbreak followed
Still I was secretly looking forward to the next time I would fall in love again, and maybe next time my prince would take me to wonderland.
Until a few months ago, where I realized, a year after my last breakup that I had fallen in love with my best friend.
This friend I had been in love with before.
I bet you have at least one of those cases where you fall in love with someone that’s beyond your reach, someone who is just too perfect in every way, and you just know you can never be together.
That one guy ( or girl) that will always be your what if guy/girl
Well this friend of mine is that guy for me.
But as I knew the first time I told him of my feelings that it could never be, this time I knew the same thing.
Because I realized something.
Even though I crave fairy tale endings, and that one big love that is life changing I also see one important thing.
Life isn’t a fairy tale.
Life is life.
Sometimes it can feel like a fairy tale but this fairy tale doesn’t have the happy ending that last forever.
Life is more a book of repeating fairy tales, that weaves themselves into one long story but is never ending. Life is love, its heartbreak its feeling content and every emotion in between.
So what happened with this guy? My friend.
Well story short I told him I have those annoying in love feelings with him again, and I got shot down.
I realized in that moment that my first intuition was right.
The reason why he isn’t my prince charming and I his princess, is because of life.
I realized I am not ready for that kinda of love right now, and neither is he, and we have something bigger then love.
We have our friendship that in the end means the world to me, more then love could mean.
Having his friendship is more important to me
But more importantly I need to be my own prince charming for a while.
I need to let go of the fairytales and realize reality, before I can find my happy what comes next. ( I wont say happy ending because there is no happy ending 😉, not in the sense I was dreaming of anyway)
I need to love my self first for a while.
Because what I realized in my previous relationship is that I have been too good at losing a little of myself every time I entered a new relationship.
Ive non-stop been in a relationship, because as my friends tells me I fall easily in love, almost instantly in the first nice guy I meet, and I realize to late that I gave too much of myself or that we weren’t compatible in dreams, and what else makes someone compatible. I still don’t know the difference, I learned it too late, stuck in a relationship that made me unhappy.
It was either problems, like age, living in different countries that no one was willing to move away from, or just wishes for the future or lifestyle.
I never learned to ask prince charming what he wants for the future, I would just love and follow my prince where he told me to go, until I realized to late that I couldn’t cross the boundaries on the path we had created for ourselves.
So when I fell in love with my friend and got rejected ( in the sweetest way I ever have been rejected) I realized that now Is the time to just stop and take a break.
Take a break from love, until I have learned that I am enough and I can make myself happy, so I don’t need to fill the void in me that I previosuly wrongly learned that I should have someone else fill in me.
So this is a huge breaking point for me.
Realizing I don’t need love.
Ive already been single for longer then I have ever been, and ill tell you a secret, its actually not that bad.
I always rushed into a new relationship because I was terrified of ending alone, and yes I am still a little afraid that will happen, but is that really so bad?
What if the fairy tale I grew up watching didn’t end with they lived happily ever after but she lived happily ever after alone.
Why is being alone such a bad thing?
Why is it something that I feared for so many years.
I learned a few important things about being single.
I only have my self to answer for if Im not happy
There are no fights or arguments, and no heartbreaks.
I can do whatever I want without having to compromise
I am no longer scared of not being good enough.
Im just me.
Of cause I miss some things of being in a relationships but as much as I can think of that I miss I can also think of a lot of things I don’t miss.
And my break isn’t forever. That’s the thing nothing is forever but its for right now.
If my younger self saw me write this post I would have properly thought myself the cruelest person ever to crush my dreams of fairy tales, but id like to think that I still believe in fairytales but I have to rewrite them a little bit.
So here is to celebrating my break from love, and to be my own biggest love right now. The one and only person I need right now.
So one day I am ready to find love again, I do it with thought and not to rush into the next inevitable heartbreak, but actually matching myself with someone who builds on to me on not just find a relationship because I was scared of being alone, even if I was in love.
Being in love dosnt mean you meet mister right, it means its a possibilty but you cant just rush into it without some thought.
and I have to be alone to learn this fact, I have to learn that being alone dosnt mean you are a princess stuck in your tower waiting endlessly for prince charming to swoop you of your feet and ride off into the sunset of happily ever after, but its the princess in the tower in her very own castle owning the place up happier then ever before because she has the biggest love in her life that should could ever find, herself. and everything else is just a bonus that comes along to add to her happiness.
Thats the fairytale I would rather have my life end with, not the sad dream of waiting for a prince that dosnt excist to show up and making everything perfect.
Im 36 years old, and ive loved and lived a life of many fairy tales, and have many more beautiful fairytales to come, one of the biggest fairy tales I live right now and its the story of Fay and her biggest love Fay riding together as one whole being into the sunset owning her own happiness.
anyway thats the end of my nightly ramble until next time 🙂
Im sure ill write more about love and life and other things in between, when the late night inspiration desides to bloom into the very chaotic rambling flower that it is, but that is how I MissFaylyn rolls.
Perfect is in the imperfect, like an uncut diamond. its a lot prettier that way.
Have an amazing day and I hope you find your own fairy tale story ❤
Missfaylyn 