Everyone who is alive today will or have experienced a loss of a person. Either it’s a death or it’s a relationship ending.
I know those two losses are different, but the feeling is still the same.
How do you heal after a loss?
My gran mother’s death:
Both my gran mothers died, fairly quickly after each other, and it was a loss that was so sudden. They where both old and I knew it would come one day but it still shocked me to my core.
I wasn’t ready yet to let them go, I wasn’t ready to never see them again or to never be able to tell them I loved them again.
Heartbreaks:
Every relationship I’ve had I had to go through the same feeling of loss, though different from death, this loss was filled with emotions of rejection and not being good enough as well. But initially it is the same loss, you never get to spend time with them again the same way, you never get to hold their hands and tell them you love them again.
It doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship; this can also be a friendship you held dear
So how do you after the feeling of anger, shock and denial mourn the loss of the ones you loved and reach acceptance.
For me love doesn’t go away, and it doesn’t matter if it was a death or an ending of a relationship, it still hurt the same.
It didn’t help when people said, your granmothers where old it was just their time or he was an ass, you deserve more.
Yeah maybe it was the truth, but it doesn’t change the hurt inside.
It didn’t change the fact I would never get to eat my gran mothers chicken again, I would never watch her favorite tv show with her again, I would never wake up with my boyfriend next to me, I would never get to tell him about my day again, and share my excitement with either of them of something that happened in my life.
I would never again… insert the dots here.
So how do you heal the void inside your heart where they used to be?
How do you keep moving forward?
Cry:
Every opportunity I could get, I would withdraw from people to cry, I would get it out and physically and emotionally mourn the loss of the people I loved who where now gone.
Crying is the only thing that seems to release the knot in my chest, and able to give me release.
Write letters or talk to them:
Being able to say goodbye or say the things you never will be able to say to them again.
Saying your goodbyes really helps or even if just to tell them about your day, it can be anything. Anything helps.
For me words unspoken hurts me more, I have to get the last words out, and If I can’t do it in person then saying it in my mind gives me relief.
Talk to others about them:
Telling someone else a memory you had of that person that made you laugh or that brought you joy can be healing. You keep the memory of them alive and you feel they aren’t completely gone.
I’m gonna share a memory I have of my gran mothers and one of my ex boyfriends that to this day still makes me smile.
I remember my gran mothers chicken, she made the best chicken in the world, the skin was crisp and the meat was so tender it melted in my mouth, she would often serve strawberries with cream as a dessert, and to this day this is why I love strawberries so much, I’ve never found anyone who could make chicken just as well as her, we used to watch old drama shows together and talk about them at the same time.
My second gran mother, I remember she got angry at me for messing up the house, she cursed and yelled at me, I just went over and kissed her forehead, she was so small, so I had to bend down to kiss her, she just looked at me and laughed, and we both burst out laughing. She took my head and kissed it too, we would often talk about life.
My best memory I have of my ex. We where camping and it was a big lightning storm. I’m terrified of lighting, and couldn’t sleep, so he sang me to sleep and made me feel so safe even though it was lightning outside.
These memories still give me comfort. Yeah, they are gone, but the memories I will have with me are forever.
Time:
You have to give yourself time to mourn them. Its not something you can put into a box and pretend never happened. It will eventually come up to the surface.
Both with my gran mother’s death and when I lose a relationship, I’ve been trying to fast to say I’m okay, when I wasn’t. I never allowed myself to heal long enough and it would eventually come out to the surface and hit me harder.
I didn’t cry at my gran mother’s funeral, I was in shock still and boxed my emotions in, I had to be strong for my family.
I didn’t allow myself to feel when my relationship ended, I tried to fast to box it in, because dealing with the hurt I didn’t have time for, I had responsibilities and other things I had to deal with. Instead the feeling of loss came to me at night, with occurring nightmares, and eventually I allowed myself to really feel the loss.
It takes time, and sometimes it can take months, years even, though every day it hurts a little less, and is easier to get through.
For me I always expect that I can just cry for a day and that’s it, but I don’t know if its me or being a highly sensitive person but dealing with loss, doesn’t just take a day. Its many many tears later and more often months before I am feeling like myself again.
Give thanks:
The people you lost wasn’t in your control but remembering what they gave you is worth cherishing and being thankful for.
I am truly thankful for the time I had with the people I loved, the good and the bad. The many things they taught me is worth the pain I had when I lost them. I am thankful for having known them and loved them, and for being loved by them.
I would never change the fact that I did love and know them, even despite dealing with the pain of losing them.
To me this reminds me that yeah it hurts when you lose people, but that I would never trade the fact that I did love them once and that a part of me still does.
It’s okay to mourn for as long as you need to, and if you cant do it alone, talk to friends family, talk to them about the memories you had of those you loved, even if it’s a relationship that failed, its still a loss you are experiencing and even if it was a bad relationship and it was the best thing for you, or if it was a gran parent who died and you know it was for the best since they where in pain, it’s okay to mourn. It’s okay to be sad and feel sad for as long as you need to feel sad.
No one gets to decide when or how long your mourning period should last that is up to you.
Missfaylyn 