Rejection

I broke down last night.

I saw a picture of my ex on my Facebook that he had already moved on.

First thought I had “3 months ago we broke up and he already moved on”

Second thought “he looks happy I’m really happy for him” I even smiled a little and then

Third thought happened and was the culmination of many hours of tears and total melt down.

The thought was

 “He rejected me, why?”

And suddenly all the people in my life who had rejected me, came flooding in, every time I had felt heartbreak, pain, the feeling of being left alone with a heart full of love, but no one to give it to, of not feeling good enough, feeling worthless, just left me devasted and hopeless.

I think since the heartbreak I ended up crying for hours. I couldn’t stop, I just cried for hours on end, and all the thoughts I had been trying so hard to keep at bay, the thoughts that I’m worthless, that I’m always gonna be alone, that everyone will leave at some point, that I’m not good at anything, that every connection I create in life is a lie, or gets broken eventually

I was at a point there and then that I couldn’t stop the thoughts and I wanted to silence them so badly that I felt something I hadn’t felt in years. I wanted that pain to stop, I wanted to quit, I wanted life to stop and just feel nothing. I thought about ending my life, only for a split second but it scared me.

I was in a state of panic and had some reasoning thoughts still left so I reached out to a friend and that was my life line back to sanity.

I reached out with the purpose of getting the number for the psych ward, to get myself admitted because I was in a state where I knew if I kept giving in to these thoughts I would end up in a place where I didn’t want to be in again.

But luckily, I have amazing friends and I never reached the psych ward, even though I thought that is where I belonged in a moment of insanity. They helped me see reason.

They helped me see, that there is much more to life and that bad things happens, but even though I feel alone and abandoned I’m not alone, and that yeah some people will leave but then they are not the right ones for me.

The many hours of tears, and feeling of despair, I imagined myself in 10 years, my worst fear.

I see myself in my room, my moms passed away, and I’m alone. Broken by my past, and never strong enough to make it. Unemployed, bitter and emotionless. No family left, no friends, no nothing but myself, my room and my computer, and that was the scariest thought.

I’ve been working so hard to heal from my past, create connection with people in  my life, and to work myself out of my darkest years, and I’ve come a long way, but still to this day what brings me back to point zero, the dark pit that I climbed myself out of, is the feeling of being rejected

Rejection isn’t a nice feeling to go through.

Whether you feel rejected in your work life, by friends, strangers, family or people you love, will make you feel a little worthless in that moment, or not good enough.

And the feeling of not being good enough is hard to turn around.

I’m a huge people pleaser, I know this fact about myself, and it’s something I’m still working on tuning down a little in my life, but when I feel rejected my world just melts down, I don’t see anything but “YOU weren’t good enough” big letters on a big screen inside my head.

And when im in that emotional state I have to have either people around me or myself getting angry to tell myself very loudly “no that’s not true”

When I am myself and not in that dark moment I was in last night, I can see reason.

I know that even you are rejected for some reason, its not about you, its not about you being not good enough, its deeper then that, and even if you weren’t the right one for the job or for that person, it doesn’t mean you wont be perfect in another job or for someone else.

Its impossible to please everyone, and at the end of the day you need to do what’s right for you.

Self-love, is what I forgot last night.

I completely forgot everything I had taught myself the last years.

What I should have told myself is that yeah I was rejected and its okay to feel sad, its okay to feel alone, its okay to be angry, but you are not alone. You might feel alone, but you will never be alone. There will always be someone out there who really cares and loves you for you, and you will always have the biggest love and best friend, and family in your life, and that’s yourself.

It sounds weird that you have yourself, but its true. You can choose to be your best friend or your worst enemy, but if you choose to be there for yourself when you feel shit, you will come out on the other side a lot easier. You won’t feel alone.

My friend asked me. “Fay what makes you happy? You need to do stuff that makes you happy.”

I replied to him “ You guys make me happy, my friends, making videos, and playing video games makes me happy”

And then he told me very intelligently.

“Fay then do that, and you will be happy, spend time with us, play video games and make videos”

Before I gave it a good thought, I blurted out long list of what if’s and a whole lot of fear and doubt.

Eventually I heard myself and that it was just fear talking, and I came to my senses.

I am not going to end up alone, like in my worst fear.

I know that with every inch of who I am, but last night I gave into those dark thoughts.

I won’t end up alone, because I won’t give up, despite feeling rejected.

I wont stop trying to build connection with new people, I wont stop meeting new people, I won’t give up on my family and friends that I already have a strong foundation with, I wont give up on my dreams and work hard at what I do, even if I get rejected from what I create or future jobs or opportunities.

A rejection will never again be the reason I stop moving forward, it will never again be the reason to quit.

And yeah, I might get rejected again one day, but never from myself.