Day 5
I did manage to cry last night, after I had written my blog post, it started and ended up crying on and off for an hour or so, maybe longer, all the emotions I was feeling got out, and I felt it as relief. I got the knot I was feeling out my chest, and I felt it was easier to breathe, but also felt really exhausted and numb after.
It hit me a lot harder the chat we had last night.
I felt I had meant nothing to him, and that the last few months had been a lie. Like every time he told me he loved me, I started questioning it last night if he had meant it, or if he had just said it to say it, I started to question if the time he spend with me was him forcing it, or if he really wanted and did enjoy it.
No matter what I did to tell my brain that, of cause he had cared and loved me, I still couldn’t convince myself that it was true. I ended up sitting alone, crying and listening to music to the early hours in the morning and eventually I ended talking to one of my friends.
She was talking about new clothes she wanted to buy, and she managed to distract me with all these really cute looking dresses, and I felt relaxed enough to hit the bed.
First night since the breakup, I managed to fully sleep and not dream. I slept 12 hours and it was great.
I realised how exhausted I had been, and I was happy that I got the rest.
Throughout the day I was still feeling blue, the heaviness in my chest came back but I tried as usual to keep myself busy and not think about.
Its so much easier in the day to not think about the break up and feel it, I can share some fun with my friends, play games, and take care of myself better, but at night it gets so hard.
I know its still only temporary, but I’m already so sick of feeling heartbroken. I’m tired of hurting, both psychically and emotionally, I’m tired of feeling all of these emotions and I was really wishing and hoping there would be some sort of cure to just let me feel nothing for just one day, just one day of nothing would be great.
But I know there is no cure for that, so its just about taking one day at a time, enjoy the good, and push through the bad.
I’m already taking more note on the small improvements I do. Like sleep more and eat more.
I managed to feel hungry today and was thinking about getting myself some crisps, I ate some shrimp salad, not enough to be back to normal, but its more than I had the last 4 days. So, its progress in the right direction.
I did feel more sad today, but its because it has really started to sink in, that we are over now. The shock of it all has passed now, and I really feel now after the talk last night that it was final.
I know it was for the best, since he couldn’t give what I wanted and we both deserve to be happy, but it doesn’t mean I just stop loving him or missing him like that, and a part of me, still wish it hadn’t happened, and we where together still.
But I know I wont think that forever, I feel im getting closer to fully accepting it, and when I do I can move on, but I will have to go through the loss first for a little while longer.
I try to just take one day at a time, to feel the blues, cry it out and try to look at the positives as well, even just the small things.
Like my amazing friends who manages to still make me smile and laugh.
That I’m putting my pain into creative use instead of doing nothing all day, by writing this post.
I haven’t worked on making videos in a while, but I’m giving myself time to heal first.
A breakup takes times to heal from even one where it might have been best it ended. It still hurts losing someone you love.
I’m still not angry at him yet, not like I was in my previous breakups, I’m angry at some things, but I still care more then hate, but then again we never really fought over anything, he was still very considerate about some things, and took time to listen when I was upset.
Yeah im angry that he did it in text but we did have the chat last night, so at least he did his best.
He said he still wants me as a friend, and I said maybe one day, in a months’ time or more when I’m feeling better. But we will see
I still haven’t found it possible to be friends with an ex, and I’m not sure if it is possible.
Tomorrow, is going to be a day I’m looking forward too, I’m getting drunk with my best friend who is having a discord birthday party. All our friends are going to be there, and I hope I can celebrate her and have some fun with them and be less emotional.
Mainly today I’ve just been feeling really sad, and numb.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better…
ps. Its not my best written post, but I’m feeling so tired today
Missfaylyn 