Day 4 – How a highly sensitive person deals with heartbreak

Day 4

I couldn’t sleep last night so only manged to have a small nap.

I was obsessing about the talk I knew I was going to have with my ex later today, and I was going through everything I was going to ask, and I was really worried how he would react or what he would say.

I just wanted it over with so hopefully my head would calm down a little.

The need to understand why was intense.

Why we broke up?

Why he did it that way?

So many why’s in my head.

I wanted to understand it, but I also wanted to let those thoughts go, I just didn’t know how to, so was hoping the talk would help.

Most of the night I was listening to music, heavy metal again, but I was also really angry.  

Angry at him, angry at myself, angry at the world, angry at love.

I kept myself busy trying to put that anger into my game, and channel it in a more healthy way, and it worked for a while.

I started feeling less angry around 9 in the morning, had a chat with my friend for a bit and it helped being distracted from my own overwhelming emotions.

I went back to my game, and played until 3 until I was feeling so exhausted and crashed for a few hours.

When I woke up a few hours later he whispered me he was ready to talk, and I called him on discord.

We talked for about an hour and it was a real struggle to not shout, cry or beg him to come back.

I had tried to prepare myself for the worst and not have any hopes up, and I got most of the answers I needed, but it also still left me feeling really confused, and still really hurt.

I managed to after the talk to push through those emotions, I’m not sure how, and go on discord to talk to my friends.

I streamed and played with them for a while, without allowing myself to feel anything from the chat, and just burrow it in a box somewhere.

I am now sitting here alone, its 3 at night, and I still feel empty.

There is also still the feeling of anger, and hurt, but it just sits in my stomach and chest like a big knot pulling down.

I feel dizzy, exhausted, too awake too sleep, nauseous but also a little hungry.

I miss him

And I wish the last few days had never happened. But it did, and from what I learned today is that it would have happened anyway eventually.

I thought we where happy but turned out we didn’t feel the same way, and that’s what happens sometimes. My guess is that he properly fell out of love with me at some point.

And that’s okay, but still makes me feel really hurt.

Though, I know from my past experience that I will be fine. I keep telling myself that, but the more I say it, it helps drown the thoughts of losing him out a little.

I know my brain is just addicted to the love hormone I got from him, and I know that it makes you feel physical pain, as well as emotional pain. I also know it makes you feel depressed and that you will never feel happy again the same way.

I know this love hormone is going to fade and every day will get a little bit easier, but I also know that I still have a long way to go.

I have a good support network behind me, and I know I can handle this, I’ve been through it before, and a lot worse.

I’m writing my blog post now, and I feel like I really need to cry, but not a small cry but a deep emotional cry to get those pesky knots out of my stomach and chest, so I’m just waiting for that to happen. I keep staring at the banana I brought in from the kitchen, and I want to eat it, but I also just cant right now.

I know from science that experiencing heartbreak, you either feel like eating all the time, or not at all, so I understand that its normal, but I know it isn’t healthy in the long run.

I wrote in my calendar today a month from now, this will be the day I should have or around that day that the love hormone goes away, and hopefully on that date I will be feeling better. Ill sleep better, ill eat better and ill feel like myself again. Not in pain anymore, but closer to or have moved on from this. The date I put in was the 6 of June, so I have that to look forward too.

I already hate feeling like this..

I understand why they call it a roller coaster of emotions. Its never just feeling fine, its up and down and sideways, going through one emotion to the next in a few seconds, but mostly just with the feeling of intense sadness and anger. I do look forward to the bright seconds where a friend makes me laugh or smile throughout the day.

but right now im still waiting to have that long cry today…

to be continued tomorrow….