Day 3
I was up for ages this morning, listening to heavy metal music, and half crying and half singing along to the songs. I couldn’t find the rest to go to sleep, and I started feeling this anger.
Being angry at the breakup, how it ended.
Being angry at not getting these questions that keeps running through my head answered, like why I feel the need so strong to understand what happened, makes me angry, because I cant get it, I want it, but I also know it’s not going to lessen the pain. It still happened, but maybe If I knew everything he was feeling or thinking, I would stop blaming myself or stop thinking the what ifs.
What if: I had written it differently, or just called him instead, and we could have talked on voice coms
What if: Covid 19 wasn’t a thing and I would have travelled to see him in April, and we wouldn’t be anxious about when next to see each other again.
What if: I had been braver and talked to him about my feelings months ago and we could have worked more at being a little closer online.
The what ifs is my worst enemy in a breakup. They slowly creep up on you and dig through your mind, and the next thing you know you cry and cry and cry while you imagine if you had said it differently or if you had done something different you wouldn’t be broken up.
But I know that is not true.
I’ve learned a relationship ending can be a lot of things, it can also be because you aren’t ready or want to commit, or it could be I felt strongly about him but he might not have thought the same of me.
The what ifs: Doesn’t change what happened, it still happened.
I’m also feeling really angry about that I didn’t think it was fair.
I didn’t think I deserved it. We have been together almost a year, and I thought that at least a better ending would be a bit more respectful to the time and love we shared.
I reached out to him today, feeling my heart pounding, slightly hopeful but also 90 % sure of the outcome that we where broken up still, but somehow I still had the slight hope of maybe, just maybe he would say it was all a mistake, a miscommunication and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was.
He wrote me back and my little glimpse of hope vanished, yes we are still broken up, but he agreed to talk tomorrow.
It might not be the smartest idea, but at least I get the closure or goodbye I crave, a break up over voice and not in text.
I know its going to be hard, and painful but I also feel like its going to help me soothe my mind a little of the what ifs and make me feel more at ease, but be able to properly move on. Whatever that means. But I’m hopeful. I need an ending for a new beginning, having a glimpse of hope when there is none, is just going to postpone the hurt, and I really don’t need that.
For taking care of myself today, well I’ve been successful at some parts, I managed to sleep more than I thought I would, I ended up streaming a key again with my friends, I showered and dressed up for having my webcam on, and I felt I looked pretty good despite my unfortunate situation.
I wasn’t as successful at remembering to eat healthy today. I only managed to push down some melon, nuts and a bit of cucumber.
I still don’t feel hungry at all, and food still makes me feel nauseous.
I havent cried as much today but I know it will come again, when things quiet down, the night is always the worst, but I will try and keep myself a little busy before I drop.
Music is really a big help, singing along to the songs of pain, heartbreak and anger, it helps me get those strong emotions out.
I didnt cry today, but my chest has been feeling really heavy and got these jacked spiked pains inside of my chest during the day, when I was thinking of him.
I talked to a friend I havent talked to in ages today and I loved talking to her, but the conversation turned around to the girl talk we normally have, and my memories of him came up, and I even at some point said yeah my boyfriend is like that, but realised then that he wasnt my boyfriend anymore, that was in the past.
I’m not to distraught as I used to be in the past about this breakup, yes it hurts and yes, it takes time to heal, but in the past I had convinced myself somehow that I would never find love again, and I felt so out of hope back then for my future. I know now that there is a lot more to love in life.
Its hard to admit that because im a huge fan of love, I always imagined myself finding someone I would spend my 20s and 30s and so on with, but im now 35 and it didnt turn out that way.
For me this break up dosnt hurt because im single again, its hurts because I shared something great and genuine I thought, but it ended in a breakup and thats a tough cookie to swallow, and I still question why, but hopefully my questions or some of them will be answered tomorrow.
Until tomorrow ❤
Missfaylyn 