In this post and the next I’m going to write a journal like blog, where I go through my recent breakup with my Boyfriend, and how every day ill feel a little bit better.
I will write about the ups and downs, so stay tuned, and I really hope with these posts that I could help someone in the same position or let you guys in on, how a highly sensitive person deals with heartbreak.
Sunday morning:
I felt a little sad, I had been looking forward to spending time with my boyfriend. I had been wanting to tell him for a while that I really needed more time with him, so today I was going to be brave and have a chat with him.
I took a deep breath, felt my heart racing, I was a little scared of how he was going to react, if he would get a little hurt from me asking for more time, and expressing my needs, but also felt a little silly thinking that, he would be understanding and we would have the chat and all would be good, so I wrote him.
I need more time with you, I need us to spend more quality time together just you and me, and to talk more about the future.
I wasn’t expecting what happened next. I could never have imagined what happened next.
He wrote
“I don’t think I can give you that, I’m not that kind of guy.”
I wrote
“But I don’t get it, we used to spend a lot of time together in the beginning.”
“What changed?”
My heart broke a little then, I felt the end coming, and the sadness from earlier, and the loneliness I felt grew
He wrote
“Well its different in the beginning isn’t it?”
I was proper upset now, and wrote a longer text back that relationships is work and that communication and spending time together is important and that it should never be forced, and then I wrote that if he thought he was forcing himself to spend more time with me maybe I wasn’t the right girl for him.
Then he wrote it. The end had come of 10 months of happiness and love
“I hate saying it, but I just don’t think we are a good match.”
And that was it, no voice coms, no last hugs, no goodbyes or a last I love you.
I felt in shock and my heart broke. I felt this heaviness around my heart, like it got weighed down by the pain I was feeling.
I didn’t understand what had just happened. I sat there for a while, and then I started crying.
I called my friend, and I wanted to say what happened, but I just couldn’t stop crying, I muted myself and wrote what happened, with her in the call still. I wanted to speak the words, but I just couldn’t stop the tears and the wails of pain escaping me.
An hour later I finally got myself together and could sit down and chat with her, and I told her I didn’t understand what happened.
I just wanted me and my bf to spend a little more time together, and I hadn’t expected that reaction or to have our relationship end in the way it did, in text and with such coldness to it.
I was feeling scared that what now, what was next. I knew from experience going through a heartbreak wasn’t going to be fun for a couple of months, and thinking back on my last breakups, I had done a lot of things that wasn’t making it easier.
This time around I was determined to change the experience to feel less painful.
Being a highly sensitive person, feeling emotions I feel them in extremes. When I feel pain, it feels so strong that even the smallest things in my daily life like sleeping, eating, going to the shop, is difficult.
And this time I wanted to take better care of myself.
I sat talking to my friend until 8 in the morning, and it helped a little, I felt less lonely but I still didn’t understand, I was tired, but I couldn’t quiet my thoughts and my heart was racing.
Another friend got on discord, and I played a game with him for a bit, when I suddenly felt drained and really tired. It was 10 in the morning, and I decided to try and sleep.
It took a while before I managed to sleep, but eventually I did.
2 hours later
I woke up suddenly. My chest was hurting, I had a dream about him writing me a message, so I ran to pick up my phone to check.
No new messages.
The feeling of disappointment and remembering what happened last night brought me to tears. I went out to make coffee trying to hold the tears back. I was greeted by my mother and tried to smile and hide what had happened, I wasn’t ready to talk about anything yet.
I went into my room, with my coffee, and turned up the music, and started crying again, this time more fiercely. I knew from experience I had to release the pain I was feeling by crying, it always felt a little bit better after a good cry.
I got a message from a friend, if I wanted to talk and I ended up calling him, we played a little bit of rocket league, and world of warcraft.
He was being an amazing friend and even managed to make me laugh a little.
I vented out to my friend that I still didn’t get what happened, and I really wish it hadn’t.
I felt the way my relationship had ended wasn’t right, I felt that I couldn’t have been that important to him, and I was trying to understand where I had done wrong. We never had any fights, or big issues. I couldn’t come up with anything bad and it didn’t make it any easier thinking back, so I tried to just accept it for what it was.
From experience I knew that when you go through a breakup, there is no way you will ever really understand the reason and get your why’s answered truthfully.
Just because I felt happy didn’t mean he was, or maybe he was but wasn’t ready to commit the way I wanted to, and there is nothing wrong in that, its just how it is, even though it sucks.
I spend a few hours with my friend, and I had cried, I had laughed, I had gotten everything out, and it felt a little better, but then I started feeling the sadness coming up again, so I took my leave and put my music on and started crying again.
I read through the messages again, trying to understand what happened, but still didn’t manage to feel better from it.
There were no secret messages in it, that I could suddenly decipher, there was just the had fact and no goodbyes.
I realised it had been hours, and it was 8 o clock in the evening and I hadn’t had any food all day.
I went into the kitchen and ate a little piece of meat and some veggies, it wasn’t a lot, but I had to eat something.
I felt disgusted by eating but I knew that starving myself wasn’t the answer.
I walked back into my room, dragging my feet feeling like a zombie. I was tired, my stomach was hurting, my head was pounding, I felt dizzy and my chest still felt heavy.
I sat down in my chair again and went to hang with my friends a little.
I knew that I had to surround myself with people, sitting alone wasn’t helping, but at the same time, I didn’t feel that sociable either.
I wanted to go to sleep again but I knew I wouldn’t be able to, and I knew I would dream about him again.
I sat amongst my friends, in silence for a while, until I felt restless and suggested we could run a mythic + in wow, we ended up doing a few keys.
I was drinking some wine. I’m not a big drinker, but I knew that a little bit of alcohol, helped numb down the psychical and emotional pain I was feeling and after a while it worked, and I ended up laughing and having fun with my friends.
I had had a little bit too much to drink so when it was time for bed, again in the early morning my room was spinning and it took me a while before I managed to sleep, I woke up a few hours later after having had a nightmare about my ex. ( it’s still weird writing ex, like it’s all a bad dream and I’m still trying to wake up from)
will be continued…
Day 2 coming soon
I decided that writing about me going through yet another heartbreak is going to help me heal, but I also hope that it might inspire someone who is going through the same thing that you aren’t alone feeling really shitty.
I know from experience that I will be fine again, and it wont hurt as much in a month or two, but I also know that it is going to be a rough ride.
Being a highly sensitive person dealing with heartbreak really sucks, anyone who has to deal with heartbreak really sucks.
I will try and be as positive I can, and write about how I feel, and how my healing process goes.
a little bit of a backstory to my relationship.
I meet him a year ago in world of warcraft online and he is an amazing guy, i went to see him 2 times, and had the best time, we shared a lot of good moments, and even though I had my heart broken by him, I will always see him as a great and caring guy, I wont write anything bad about him but only focus on how I am feeling and my days healing from the break up.
Missfaylyn 