How do you survive Heartbreak

I’ve had a few heartbreaks in my life, and it’s always been really painful.

Heartbreak is different from person to person, and in my case different from relationship to relationship.

I always thought it would get easier after the first, but it only seems to get harder and harder every time.

Science says it’s called heartbreak because it feels like your heart breaks after you lose a loved one. After a relationship has ended.

Apparently, there is something called broken heart syndrome that can make you heart stop beating and in worst case you can die from it.

I never knew this, until I googled heartbreak.

I remember the pain still.

Not being able to sleep, or feel disgusted by food, and just the feeling of utterly hopelessness. The what now feeling.

Losing someone will always hurt and if you where close to that person, if it was someone you thought you where going to marry, that they where your whole world, how do you keep moving forward after that loss.

I didn’t think I ever would, I didn’t think I could ever smile or laugh again.

I remember dreaming about my ex’s in my dream, and wake up smiling, realizing it was just a dream and the smile quickly turning into tears.

When I was upset the need to talk to them like I used to. To feel loved by them and comforted by them, and then realizing I couldn’t because it was over, and we weren’t even friends anymore.

Days passing by and feeling alone, and betrayed.

I remember I used to write them unsent letters, where I felt I at least could get a last say that way, talk to them in a way. It would help a little, and I still have those unsent letters on my computer.

I would write fiction, and try to direct my heartache into words, to let it all out.

I remember for every heartbreak there is different stages you are in.

First is shock:

I remember sitting and waiting hoping for a text message or a phone call where he would say sorry and come back and talk it out, and we would get back together again. I couldn’t believe the words we had just said, it was just so sudden. Days would go by, and I would still be waiting, for that text or phone call that would never come.

Second stage is pain:

Then it would hit me, it really was over, he wasn’t going to call or text, he really meant it, it was over. I had lost him, my best friend, the guy I thought I was going to marry.

My heart would race, feeling like it was trying to jump out of my chest. I would feel it got hard to breathe, even move, and the only thing I could do to release the pain from my chest was to try and cry, and when I did cry it helped a little, but then the pain would start again once I stopped crying, and I would wait until I could get it released.

I wouldn’t be able to sleep, I remember only getting a few hours tops in a weeks’ time, and food would disgust me, having to force down an apple or a piece of toast.

When I feel heartbreak, I feel it hard.

I remember my friends and family getting worried about my sleep pattern and food habits and would tell me to go see a doctor for sleeping pills or order me to eat food.

I wouldn’t be a in nice place and would often snap at them, saying It didn’t matter and don’t you think I’ve already tried. And I did try. I was trying. It was just impossible to fall asleep at night because my chest would hurt and if I did fall asleep it was because I cried myself to sleep. If I did eat it was because I felt I had to and tried to eat slowly but I felt every bite was going to make me puke, and I just couldn’t, This was hard trying to explain to my family and my friends, because according to them, they never felt heartbreak this bad before.

Third stage is anger, and bargaining:

Then after several days of pain and guilt, I would get angry, finally.

I would get furious, and feel it was unfair.

It wasn’t fair to be treated this way. That we should have talked better, we should have ended it better, I deserved better.

I would be a little more alive then and be able to sleep and eat a little better. But with the anger comes stupid behavior, and I would try and reach out, not always in a nice way, but as a storm of emotions, and its never a good idea, and wasn’t in these cases either. It didn’t go well, and I would get right back to pain and sadness again and feeling guilty.

Fourth stage Depression:

Then I would realize it was over but also accept it, and depression would hit me. Or feeling depressed. I would go into a state where I just didn’t care about anything, and just do my routine of eating sleeping, listening to music and sing along to it.

I wouldn’t be very sociable and would often just do the above. Eat, sleep, sing. Next day, eat, sleep sing.

After a while, after the pain numbed down a little, I would play rocket league, or other games on my computer, or log into world of Warcraft and watch trade chat.

Fifth stage Acceptance:

After a while In a depressive state, where I just wouldn’t care about anything I would slowly feel less pain, and I would come to terms with what happened, and that there is only one way forward, that I had to keep moving and that one day I would be fine again.

Yes, I had lost him, but the world didn’t end, and I would get up, and start socializing again.

So, I would get back up on the horse, and talk to my friends again, play the games I used to, and fill my days with more then just eat sleep and sing.

I would also start feeling hope for tomorrow, and start to feel like myself again slowly, but also feeling proud I had survived the pain of a loss.

A few months after I would finally be able to see the breakup more clearly and look outside of the rose-tinted classes I had on in the relationship. That it was the right thing to do, and that we just weren’t meant to be, that I cherished the memories but we both did wrong in the relationship, and that it was something I could learn from.

When you are in the relationship its really hard to be objective and you only see things with love, but it doesn’t mean that it’s a healthy relationship, and I didn’t realize this until after a few months where I could finally be objective.

When I go into a relationship its hats on and get ready for a wild ride, I lose myself in the relationship and its all about the love for the person, and I tend to forget myself. I find it hard being honest to myself, if I’m not happy in the relationship. If you love someone, its hard realizing they aren’t treating you right or that your goals in life doesn’t align.

I always believed and part of me still wants to believe loving someone is enough, but I’ve learned that its not. A relationship is hard work and it requires you are a good match. When you fall in love with someone that can be hard to see, its only a few months later this shows its first signs, and I always choose to ignore those signs, because by then I love the person already.

I’ve had a few long relationships, and they have all ended in heartbreak.

The biggest thing I learned from it, is that I lost myself in the relationship, to the point where everything I did was, what he wanted to do, what I thought he wanted me to do, and I lost my identity.

After the breakups, I had to find myself again, and I always went back to my old ways, and feeling strong independent and confident.

I’m in a new relationship today and this is the first time I’ve managed to hold on to my own identity, and do what I want to do, and not just follow my boyfriend like a little lovesick puppy, and I’m really proud of myself for that.

It was my last relationship ending that made me realize I had to change my ways, since I had lost friendships and gave up on a lot of the things I liked doing.

Heartbreak sucks, and it will always hurt.

But in heartbreak we find truth about ourselves too. The good and the bad. Things we can change for next time.
I always make myself a promise when I experience heartbreak and that is never again. Never again to find love or fall in love again, but I’ve learned that it happens, and it will happen again.

The trick is to not be scared of it. Yes, it might end in another heartbreak, but it might not. If it does, you will still have the memories, and you will feel a little stronger for having survived it every time.

I don’t look back with regret. I’m happy I went through it because I learned so much from it, I have the amazing memories, and it led me to a new love.

I got to fall in love again, that’s always amazing. Experience new things and have another person to love.

I still care about my ex’s, and it’s not long ago, one of them messaged me again, after not having talked to him for 7 years, and he told me he was proud of me for writing this blog. Our last conversation had ended it anger, but now after 7 years we apologized, and talked about our lives today and where genuinely happy for each other.

So how do you survive heartbreak?

• Have faith that one day it will make sense, and that you will get to love again and feel loved again.

• Have faith there was a good reason for the relationship ending, it might not be visible right now, but one day it will make sense.

• Take one day at a time, don’t think to far ahead. Looking into the future will only remind you of the future you planned with him, so take one day at a time, if that’s hard one hour or a minute. Take it slow and go down to survival mode. Treat yourself with what you need. If you need to sleep, sleep, eat when you feel the need, and tell people around you that you need some time, mostly everyone will understand and give you time to heal.

• When it hurts too much, sing. It sounds crazy but singing releases endorphins and it helps numb the pain a little. Doesn’t matter if you sing badly, I can’t sing, but I put my headphones on and just sing along, have it so loud I can’t hear my singing.

• If you feel you can’t talk to anyone or people don’t understand you. Get creative, write letters. Paint, write stories, play music.

• Get those feelings out, if you hold them in too long, they will escape at inconvenient times, in public. I realized this when I suddenly burst out in tears or got angry and started shouting at someone. If you get them out before in your own private space, then its less likely it will happen as an awkward outburst.

• Talk to friends and family about how you feel. That can help too. Its not always they will understand but they will most likely be there, to listen.

• Surround yourself with people.

I had a friend who just sat with me in silence when I was hurting, just knowing he was there, even though we didn’t really say anything gave me great comfort, because I felt less alone, and the hours passed easier that way.

This is how I dealt with heartbreak and it helped big time.

How do you deal with heartbreak? Feel free to comment down below 🙂