Today I’m going to write about something that I’ve noticed I have issues with, first I’m going to write about my emotions. I’ve covered a little about the extent of my emotions in previous posts, but never got to explain how greatly they impact me.
Emotions for me, is so ingrained in me, that it fills my daily life. I can’t hide from how I feel, If I’m sad, it shows, and it lasts hours sometimes, until its dealt with, same with anger, joy, every feeling out there.
Its heightened and feels like its too much.
I’ve been in situations where I watch the news and suddenly feel overwhelmingly sad about what I see, and I can’t stop crying all the sudden.
If someone says something to someone, that’s slightly insulting or hurtful and I can tell the person was upset by this, I get angry and I get snappy quickly. Even if it wasn’t about me, but I feel it, the anger building up. I feel the urge to protect that person’s feelings and I sometimes step out of line and snap at the offender. Even if it wasn’t something that affected the person a lot, but I sensed the hurt, even for a second, and its so hard not to act on.
I have to hold my emotions back a lot, because if I was to act them all out every day in public, people would get to see the extent of it.
Growing up I heard this sentence a lot from people around me.
You are too emotional Fay.
And hearing this has made me want to hide my emotions, because it was too much.
I’ve later learned that its part of being a highly sensitive person, and its just because I notice more subtleties in what other notices.
And it all affects me.
I feel it if someone cries in public, I feel that pain, take It in, and feel the urge to cry myself.
When someone is fighting its almost impossible to be in that room, and not do anything about it.
My senses feels heightened, and I feel stress when I hear conflict, and I get the urge to heal, repair, and intermediate the conflict quickly, but it’s not always my place to do this, and doing nothing is really hard for me.
But doing nothing is something you sometimes just have to do, let people resolve their own issues, or stand up for themselves.
I know this fact, so I do nothing, but doesn’t mean I don’t empathize. It follows me after, that feeling of anger, of hurt, still sits there. Nagging, until I deal with it, and when it becomes too much that’s where I have to go away and cry it out.
People see me upset, and they question it, and I do what I normally do and say the 2 words I’m so used to saying.
I’m fine.
I can’t always explain what’s happening inside of me. How I’m really feeling, because from experience, I’ve tried it before trying to explain why I suddenly feel upset, and that’s where I hear those 4 words. You are too emotional.
In saying the words I’m fine, and people see I’m not, its not always a good thing.
It creates distance and disconnect from people who cares about me.
One of the things I pride myself in, is that I love being there for the people I love, feeling I’m needed when they are upset about something. I take pride in when they come to me and ask me for comfort or to talk about something that bothers them, and I can help them smile again, and not to worry too much, but I’m not really giving them the same experience back, by hiding my own feelings away.
So, I’m taking away the good I feel in being there for someone from them.
I asked my friends a while back what is the worst thing about me, I was feeling curious and I was so surprised when they all said, the worst thing about you fay, is that you run. You run away when you are upset, and you don’t let anyone in.
I always thought I protected them from my feelings and that it initially was a good thing. I would only be around if I was feeling happy and in that I could show them I could be the strong one, for them. Be there for them when they needed a shoulder to cry on.
But I did the opposite.
How can you expect anyone to come to you and share their emotions with you if you aren’t doing the same in return?
Its about letting yourself be vulnerable with people you love sometimes.
The people I feel mostly connected with in my life right now, Is the people I let in.
They saw me crying, they saw me consumed with anger, they saw all the crazy emotions I normally try to hide, and because of this I feel I can be myself completely with them, I don’t have to hide behind my walls and pretend I’m fine.
They now understand if I act in a certain way, why I act this way. They understand.
Knowing that fact is freeing. To be yourself, both the bad and good, and still feel loved by them.
There have been occasions where I still run, but my close friends now tell me to come straight back and talk to them instead.
I’ve learned from this. To create a deeper meaningful relationship with someone you have to be honest about how you feel, let yourself be vulnerable, and let people see all of you, not just the good parts.
Its still a hard lesson to act out, because when I cry and I’m upset about something, and I hear the tone in my friend’s voice changing to worry, I feel that too. And I feel the urge to comfort them instead.
Having empathy is a good thing but it can also feel like a burden sometimes. It can be hard to feel so much all the time, and it can be hard for people around me to understand why I feel the way I do about things.
I have great self-care when it comes to dealing with my own emotions, but I still need to work on letting people in.
I have a little example.
I got into a new relationship half a year ago, and I love my boyfriend dearly.
I think we where a few months into our relationship, and I had a day where I was upset. I had heard a song on you tube, that had resonated with me deeply and I spent most of the night crying. I had remembered something from my past and I suddenly felt all of it again. The little girl missing her mother.
That evening I did what I normally do, and I hide, my boyfriend wrote me” you okay?”
And I said the two words.
I’m fine.
He then wrote me that if I can’t come talk to him when I’m upset that might be a problem in the future.
I suddenly realized I was doing it again.
I was running away again.
Not letting him in and only letting him see my walls.
When I go into a new relationship, I’m always a little terrified of showing them me. I fear they won’t understand, and I’m scared of rejection.
That night I called him and I told him, I had been crying because I had been listening to a song, that had upset me, the following days after I told him everything, about my past, me being highly sensitive, and some of the things I have issues with sometimes, and he was so understanding and didn’t run away screaming.
It’s still a little intimidating showing people around me all of me, and it’s a work in progress, but I learn a little more every day, and I don’t run away as often as I used to.
I’ve also learned you don’t need to explain everything when you are upset, you can do it in a sentence, and then people at least know what’s up.
Just by saying, hey, I’m just feeling a little sad at the moment but after a good cry ill be okay again.
That can be enough.
Sometimes the people close will still want to hear a little more and instead of running away talking to them about why you feel sad, can be healing.
On my roughest days talking to my close friends, helped me immensely.
One of my biggest examples I have on this, is when I had just gone through my breakup, and I was feeling guilty for having hurt my ex deeply, I talked to a friend of mine, and he told me “ Fay you are human, we all make mistakes, you can’t blame yourself for being human, instead of blaming yourself, learn from it and do differently if the situation happens again”
I had been beating myself up every day for a week, and I hadn’t talked to anyone about it. I was feeling so guilty and shameful that I hadn’t been able to sleep or eat, the only thing I cared about was that I had hurt someone I loved, and it made me feel like the most evil person alive, talking to my friend back then, made me realize that yes I had made a mistake. I wasn’t perfect and that is okay but wanting to be a better person and learning from your mistakes, is all it takes to be better.
For years I always wanted to have deeper connections with the people around me, and I didn’t understand why I didn’t have that, why most of my friendship even the relationships I was in, felt like I wasn’t connected to them. It was in the subtleties, I felt how their voice suddenly changed, and I couldn’t understand why they couldn’t talk to me.
I could see they where upset, and I sensed they knew I was upset, but we never talked about it. It would be in the air, but we would be talking about everything else. Never going deeper into how we where feeling.
In that I never felt we where close.
I never understood.
Until now.
Now I see.
I wish I would have shared more with them, because If I had done so, maybe they would have shared more with me in return, and in that create a deeper meaningful connection.
I’ve always wanted to be seen as strong and being able to take care of myself, but sometimes strength comes from being vulnerable, allowing people around you to see you that way, and letting people be there for you.
That’s where the connection to them comes.
One of the most inspirational things I’ve learned about intimacy is.
Take the word intimacy, I’ve always thought it meant being romantically intimate with your partner, but intimacy, if you bend the words, in to me see. That’s what intimacy means to me. Being able to really see and feel a person, see everything about them, understand them that’s how you get close, and that’s how you feel connected to them.
We talk about self-care and how important it is to learn about taking care of yourself but how good are your connections with people around you. How much do you let people into your life?
And what is stopping you?
I didn’t let people really see me, or get close to me for two main reasons, rejection or fear of losing them. I also didn’t want to upset the people around me. I always thought if they saw me upset, they would be upset too, and yes there where upset by me being upset, but only because I never gave them the option of them being there for me. I took that away and in that, robbed them from feeling connected to me.
I also robbed myself from feeling a deeper meaningful connection with anyone, and I’ve learned it’s a lonely road.
Only sharing the good and never the bad.
Its how you isolate yourself from people, and that’s where you feel empty and lonely.
You might be good at self-care, but that’s only about surviving. Life is more then that, its about love, connection, and so much more.
We are social creatures, and we can’t go the road alone. We need people to be there, to sometimes hold our hands, and give us comfort and love, and do the same in return.
Share with your loved ones how you are feeling, don’t do what I did and hide it. It only creates disconnect.
Let them hold your hand, and love you for who you are.
Show them who you are, and trust that they will be there.
Thank you for reading, and have a nice evening out there ❤
Missfaylyn 